How many times should you hang out with friends while in a serious relationship?
September 15, 2012 8:09 AM Subscribe
My fiance and I seem to be in disagreement of how much time is "enough" to spend with friends.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend was the type of guy that would hang out with friends SEVERAL times a week, every week. We were in a LDR so he had plenty of time to hang out with friends, then I moved and "interrupted" their dynamic. (he has never said I interrupted it just fyi)
I've hung out with these group of friends of his several times and they are all very nice and pretty calm guys & girls, they are not a wild bunch, so I've always felt ok with my fiance going out by himself. They've known each other for a lot of years, so Im the odd girl out and even though they have made me feel welcome, most of them are extremely shy, it seems everyone already knows their place in the group and I haven't been able to feel completely comfortable around them, even after a year of moving here.
My fiance and I live together and we always do fun things together, we have 2 couples that we sometimes hang out with that we randomly met. However, this previous group of friends usually make him feel guilty whenever they see him about not hanging as much time as he did before, they will say it jokingly and usually never in front of me. However, all of these friends are younger than him, 1 or 2 years, they have just graduated college while my fiance graduated almost 3 years ago so I feel that although they have tons of things in common they are in a different stage in their lives. There is one particular friend of his, who is one of his closest friends out of the group, who, even though he could, doesnt work at all, lives off his parent's money and is CONSTANTLY inviting my fiance to do things. Some are mild things like going over his apt to watch baseball or whatever, while others are going to spend the whole day at a different city, but he always has something planned during the week (3x times per week). He also travels constantly, something that my boyfriend and I love to do, but we plan and save ahead of time to visit new places. This friend, since he doesnt work, travels on every whim and of course tries to get my fiance to go with him, he is also the one person that has tried the least to get to know me (i have tried, but he seems to be really shy around me), as to where sometimes I wonder if he actually likes me, he has never mentioned anything to my fiance so I'll just assume is out of being a shy guy.
Anyway, long story short, my fiance is a complete people pleaser and I know that he often feels guilty for not hanging out as often as he did with his friends, specially when they tell him so. He now spends around 3 times a month with them (always invites me and I go whenever I can) and thinks that he should be spending AT LEAST one night every week with them, he assumes that because we live together and see each other after work that we should probably cut back on our weekend time, which I believe is our quality time to do things, so he can go visit these friends, specially that one friend. I've told him that is not uncommon for friends to drift apart when one is the only person out of the whole group who is in a committed relationship. I believe that things change, people change and friendships rarely stay exactly the same. He says that he doesnt think that friendships should drift apart because one person is in a relationship but I think he doesnt understand or maybe doesnt accept that he is different from his friends. Unfortunately now he has to divide his time and I feel his friends should understand.
Sometimes I feel like a bitch for making him choose between going over to his friends or us doing something, but most of the time I feel that as a couple our relationship should come first. Dont get me wrong, I do believe in each person spending time with their friends, and together as a couple with friends. After all he still sees them a couple of times during the month and talks to them every day.
1. Am I wrong in my assumption that it is completely common for friendships to drift apart as people grow and transition to a new place in their lives?
2. How much time do you think is the "average" amount to spend with your friends when you also have to balance time with your fiance?
Any other comments are appreciated.