Comments on: How to pick a wedding date & everything that goes along with it?

Question: How to pick a wedding date & everything that goes along with it?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 22:52:01 -0800

My fiancé and I have different ideas about when we should get married. Help us sort through the muck!

My fiancé "Patrick" and I can't agree on a wedding date! Whenever we talk about it, we argue about how soon we should get married. There are a lot of factors at play in our decision; we are both students with 3 semesters of university left (we graduate at the end of the fall 2013 semester) and we don't want to get married during the school year, we want to get married outside, and we are poor college students.

When we look at dates for next summer, we cannot seem to come up with any that work, as Patrick has a mandatory month long field camp for his studies after spring semester ends mid May. We live in a southern US state, which means June, July, and most of August are out of the question for an outdoor wedding as the temperature will be in the 90s F/ 33 C, peaking around 105F/41C. Couple that with wanting to get married outside, that leaves us with an April 2014 wedding.

Also, to complicate matters more, my parents want us to wait to get married until after we graduate university. If we have the wedding before then, they probably will not help out financially, which hurts us as poor college students. I understand their concern for us, wanting us to complete our education before we get married and eventually start a family. As these factors accumulate, I become more comfortable with the idea of an extended engagement. It is more important to me to make realistic plans that are actually able to happen!

Patrick does not share these feelings. When we tried to talk about the logistics, his insecurities seem to come out full force. He gets angry that I seem perfectly fine with waiting two years to get married. When I ask him when he wants to hold the wedding though, he can't come up with a solution. He accuses me of not wanting the marriage as much as he does (not true) or else I would not be okay with waiting so long.

I feel that Patrick's insecurities, especially in this instance, are getting in the way of us moving forward in our relationship. In conversations in the past, he has told me he does not believe I actually love him, which obviously feeds into him thinking I'm trying to delay the marriage. He has also admitted he doesn't think he is good enough for me. His previous girlfriends have all had, in his words, "major flaws" (e.g. extremely shy, overweight, not pretty) that somehow leveled the playing field. He thinks I am the first to lack this sort of major flaw.

He also has some strange ideas about his appearance. When I suggested he try on a shirt while shopping, he didn't want to because "I don't look good in stripes or in bright colors like yellow or purple." I asked him where he got such a crazy and inaccurate idea of himself, and he admitted his last ex had told him that. I realize that some of these insecurities may have external roots (i.e. ex girlfriend) but what things could be factoring into this? I know Patrick also had a hard time in last relationship with Ex pressuring him to get married and when he pushed back and they broke up, he found out she was cheating on him, talking to some dolt overseas. Is this previous scenario somehow playing a role in his insecurities about us?

Also, I am worried that having difficulties at this early stage of planning is not a good sign. I am over the moon, crazy smitten with Patrick. He is the swing in my walk and the sugar in my tea. He is the one thing in this whole deal that is non-negotiable. Should I be seriously worried about our relationship's health in this?
I am probably bean plating all the circumstances to this situation, but Hive Mind, please help me: am I being insensitive/thick in regards to his anger towards me? How do we have a productive conversation? And any thoughts on when we should get married?

By: St. Alia of the Bunnies

St. Alia of the Bunnies — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 23:04:01 -0800

Negotiating this topic with each other is a good mirror into how negotiating topics in your married life will go. You don't need us to tell you when to get married, you need to each work on your communication and negotiating skills with each other to come to a satisfactory conclusion. Because if you can't do that, guess what? You don't need to get married yet.

PS. Outdoor weddings aren't what they are cracked up to be. I have been to two. The first one was rain delayed-I was the keyboardist at that one and I'm grateful I wasn't electrocuted- and I froze half to death at the second one. Is that the hill you want to die on?

By: Sal and Richard

Sal and Richard — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 23:07:29 -0800

I'm assuming you are both 21 or so, correct? What is the rush to get married? If he is, as you say, "the swing in your step", what difference does it make if you guys get married after you graduate? I'd wait until then and see if this really is a good idea for both of you. And if your parents don't want to pay while you are still in school (wisely), they are probably worried about this lasting. Slow it down, you have a lifetime ahead of you.

By: Jubey

Jubey — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 23:26:59 -0800

I wouldn't get married until Patrick works through his issues, whatever the weather or schedule. Because I can tell you now, if he thinks marrying you is going to soothe his insecurities about you cheating on him, they won't. If he doesn't trust you now, he won't later either and this desperate need to tie you down so you don't leave won't be assuaged by a marriage. It'll just drive a wedge between you, until one night when you have to work back with a colleague turns into a full blown affair he thinks you're having. Pre-marital counselling, it's a damn sight cheaper than a divorce.

By: dry white toast

dry white toast — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 23:27:20 -0800

He says he's not sure you love him and you're trying to pick a wedding date?

Sounds like you both need to slow your roll and get more secure in what you mean to each other. It sounds like he's pushing a wedding date because insecurities make him want a clear trustworthy commitment from you. But that is a terrible reason to get married. You deserve to have him have faith in your love and you should be utterly confident in that faith before you make any serious plans. If he doesn't trust that you love him now, he won't after you get married.

By: cairdeas

cairdeas — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 23:28:33 -0800

I know that you love him, and are smitten with him. And I totally believe you when you say you want to get married just as much as he does. But just in case the idea of waiting a few years to get married maybe, possibly, gives you the slightest bit of relief, or feeling that maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea ever... I think that feeling is good to pay attention to. One of my serious relationships was with someone I was also completely gaga over, just utterly infatuated. There were some very, very serious problems but I just glossed them over in my mind and tried not to dwell on them. But, as the years went on they became much worse to the point where they could not be ignored at all, and actually turned me life into a nightmare. I am sooooooo happy that I did not marry that guy when I was gaga over him! I totally would have too, but I didn't, and that was honestly probably the best thing I ever DIDN'T do.

I'm not saying that is how your relationship is or that it is the way it is going to go. I'm just saying... if these problems are coming up that are troubling you and making you take pause, it's good to take pause. It's really good to put off marriage until they are way more resolved.

By: treehorn+bunny

treehorn+bunny — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 23:32:37 -0800

Well, something's got to give.

You know, part of marriage is the art of compromise. It seems to me that your plan for this wedding is very rigid and that is what's causing the tension.

If Patrick agreed with you that having a wedding outside in your home state at a time when temperatures are not going to be hot was indeed non-negotiable, then the only possible solution would be to wait until almost 2 years from now to get married. But he clearly doesn't feel that way, because he doesn't want to wait almost 2 years to get married.

If you're so desperately in love with this guy, wouldn't you be willing to say "hey, we don't have to get married outside in this state in temperate weather - let's just find a way to spend the rest of our lives together!" and you'd work out a plan to get it done sometime soon. There are any number of compromises you could offer, from having the wedding in a different, more temperate location, to getting married during a school holiday break, to getting married (shudder) indoors! Heck, my husband's the love of my life, and if that was the way he realllllly wanted it, I would have just driven over to the town office and picked up a marriage license and been done with it, and had a party with the family and friends some other time as a compromise.

However, you've got a bunch of concerns that do seem to be really valid issues in this relationship (he gets angry and accusatory with you about wedding planning, but doesn't offer any sort of solution to the problem?), and I think at the least you should get some premarital counseling to help address them before you get into further wedding planning.

By: These Birds of a Feather

These Birds of a Feather — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 00:31:01 -0800

Whenever someone starts to rush you towards a really big life changing thing like marriage, but gets angry when you ask to slow things down, that's your signal from the universe to take a good, critical look at that person and stop everything until they change their tune.

By: These Birds of a Feather

These Birds of a Feather — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 00:32:38 -0800

Also: don't marry this guy. Seriously. What you've told us doesn't sound like a good foundation for a lasting, productive, and mutually beneficial marriage.

By: ead

ead — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 01:24:18 -0800

Yeah, slow way down on this. It's hard to say what is going on in your relationship, but all I hear is warning klaxons in my ears about trying to force it into a marriage. Doesn't sound like you two are communicating well enough for that to make sense yet. Back away from that, take your time, figure each other out some more.

By: heyjude

heyjude — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 04:17:01 -0800

Premarital counselling - he has things he needs to unpack re: his previous relationships before he marries you.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 04:47:59 -0800

Waiting until you finish college and know what your next life step is is a no-brainer. Waiting another 5 months to get married outside? Meh. Don't know if I would consider that worthwhile after the first long wait.

By: showbiz_liz

showbiz_liz — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 06:15:46 -0800

Yeah, I would really go for some premarital counseling at this point. I know you love him, and I'm not going to sit here on the other side of a computer and tell you not to marry him. But relationships are WORK, they require negotiation and compromise, and if you two don't naturally do that sort of thing, then a counselor will be able to help you develop strategies to do so. If you DON'T get counseling, this problem is not going to just go away.

By: heatherann

heatherann — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 06:32:00 -0800

How do we have a productive conversation?

Great question! I'm assuming that as students you have little time and little cash, so while premarital counseling could be awesome, it might be tricky to pull off at the moment. So let's talk books.

Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations For A Lifetime Of Love is a great start. It has lots of exercises designed to get to the bottom of why these conversations are difficult. Your partner sounds scared. These conversations are freaking him out, and you're not going to get constructive input from a scared mammal. What is he afraid will happen if your engagement is 2 years long? Or if you just want it to be 2 years long? This book will help you find the answer to that and have the gentle conversations that reassure him and increase your relationship's emotional security.

This will enable you both to move on to other topics like wedding dates, but first you'll probably realize you both have weird assumptions and fears about all of this. You'll learn to become each other's best resource in those times, and that is a skill you will need to use many times before and after your wedding.

By: Tanizaki

Tanizaki — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 06:42:17 -0800

I recommend calling off the engagement, which does not necessarily mean ending the relationship (although it may). To me, and until rather recently, the engagement was the beginning of the wedding planning process, which was to begin forthwith. I do not understand this business of people having several-year engagements. In my mind, an engagement does not exist until the date is set.

Based upon your question, your fiance clearly has emotional issues that make it inappropriate for him to be thinking about marrying anyone. I do not think that they are insurmountable, but they do need to be addressed.

As a practical matter, if you were my daughter, I would have very serious concerns about how your fiance intends to support you. How do you two plan on living after the wedding?

By: that's how you get ants

that's how you get ants — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 06:56:11 -0800

You know what happens when you graduate college? Things change, a ton. You will both be trying to get different jobs, perhaps in different places. You will certainly both be living different lifestyles than you are now. You will become different people.

I was crazy, over-the-moon smitten with my college boyfriend, until he graduated, then I graduated. Suddenly we were both in different places, geographically and emotionally, and each of us was wondering, "Who am I now? And who is this other person now?" We broke up.

In our case, after several months, we were able to answer the "who is this other person now" question with "someone I still want to be with." Four year later, I'm crazy in love with him, and over-the-moon smitten with our son, but man am I glad I didn't have to go through that post-college period married.

By: misha

misha — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 07:39:28 -0800

Marriage is not playing house. If you are arguing over this stuff now, I guarantee you will be arguing over finances, when to have children (if you plan on having any), whether you will both work after the kids--there's tons of stuff to negotiate in a relationship, and most of it is a lot more important to your future than whether you get married inside or outside, in April or June or whatever.

Finances are the number one issues couples argue about. Right now, neither of you has a source of income. There is no guarantee that either of you will have a job immediately after graduating, either--I'm sorry, but the economy makes that pretty iffy, even with your degrees.

Added into that are the issues you already have as a couple. I don't know how long you and Patrick dated before you got engaged, but it sounds as if at least he rushed into the idea of marriage as a panacea to cure all of his insecurities left over from his past relationships. I'm sure you love each other, but it is important to realize that love is only the first step; a proposal should come from the certainty that the two of you have progressed in your relationship to the point where it makes logical sense.

You fiance doesn't want to wait until the two of you being married makes sense logically. He wants to get married as soon as possible because he is indulging in magical thinking: once you are married, he will know that you love him! He will be worthy of your love! He will finally believe that you won't cheat on him like his ex! A ring is not going to work all that magic, though. He is trying to control things he cannot control.

Worse, your fiance' is viewing you not as the unique individual you are, but through the jaundiced eye of someone who has been disappointed in love too many times. You've never cheated on him or told him you thought you deserved better, right? No, of course not. He had all those issues with his exes. So, before he even met you, he determined a One Size Fits All solution: get married fast so he can't be dumped again, and everything will be fine after that. That is not fair to you. You KNOW you deserve better.

I would postpone the marriage until the April date you want at the *earliest*. Whatever you do, do not even consider getting married until at least one of you has a job post-college.

By: nakedmolerats

nakedmolerats — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 07:46:56 -0800

Please memail me.