A problem that isn't one but still is: my partner and I are planning on getting married next fall. YAAAY! But I feel like I'm getting made fun of constantly by my sister for it...
posted by PuppetMcSockerson to human relations (45 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
- I'm in my early 30s, my boyfriend is in his late 30s
- I'm the youngest of three kids, all women
- I will be the first of us to get married
- my family all approve of my relationship with my partner, they all like him, so no issue around that
- my middle sister is in a long term relationship with a man but not married and they don't particularly want to marry. They are very happy together though. I do NOT believe there is any element of jealousy in this.
- my eldest sister is single, has been single for basically her whole life, doesn't date (to my knowledge), and communicates an ambivilance towards marriage (but has expressed some interest in being in a relationship)
- my dad is very pro-my marrying my partner, but he would be fine with it just being a quick and dirty thing with like 4 people there and that's it.
- my mom is very pro-my marrying my partner too, but thankfully she is on board with basically everything my partner and I have been discussing and she is the only one in my immediate family that is fine with the cheesy stuff.
My family is close, but not at all the schmatlzy touchy feely type. For whatever reason *I* am, but they aren't. It is to the point where I still feel a little uncomfortable using the word "love" around my family and I feel uncomfortable showing physical affection around my family as well WITH CAUSE. The first time my sisters met my partner I gave him a brief kiss and hug outside at the car when he left. My middle sister saw through the window and made fun of me for it, not in a kind way but in a "give me a break" way. I'm sure she felt it was harmless but it just reinforced what I was already scared of, namely that any display of affection, no matter how innocent, would be mocked.
Before you ask, yes, there is a long history of my sisters (especially my middle sister) being very mocking and unkind towards me. I always sought the approval of my sisters as a kid but never got it. Instead I was purposefully excluded. My middle sister even went out of her way many times when we were kids to try to humiliate me in front of friends. It went beyond normal sister behaviour, her behaviour was often cruel, and it was a major concern to my parents. It wasn't until my mid/late 20's that she and I have managed to have any sort of normal, grown-up relationship, but it is a little strained and there are still emotional wounds that I carry. I know I need to let is go, I doubt they are even aware of the baggage I carry (I've tried to bring it up a few times but am instantly declared to be way off base, exaggerating, and dismissed), but I definitely have baggage and it still hurts. Irritatingly, I still catch myself doing things to try to get my sisters' approval and I am often crushed when it is denied.
So back to the wedding...
My partner and I want to have a small-ish (50-60 people), not too fussy, non-religious wedding, with the ceremony occuring out doors on my parents property. We're keeping things fairly inexpensive and simple, and I'm not hung up on anything apart from just ending the day being married to my partner. BUT the problem comes from our wanting to include some traditional/schmaltzy elements. Stuff like my walking down an aisle, my partner and I having our first dance, etc. As an example, when I mentioned to my father something about ceremony he said something along the lines of how we don't need an aisle because I obviously won't need to do that. Um, what? yes, I want to walk down an aisle!
So here is my issue. My partner and I intend to include elements in our wedding that I know are going to be mocked. The fact that I am even getting married has garnered some comments, and my middle sister recently went off on a tirade about how weddings are a sham and a waste of money. I don't think she meant it directed towards me, I think she forgot that I am here trying to plan my wedding, I think she was just making a general statement (possibly because she is feeling pressure to get married herself). It still really bothered me.
So I am worried that my middle sister and to a degree, my father are going to spend the whole wedding rolling their eyes and making fun of the fact that my partner and I dared have a first dance or had a cheesy romantic photo taken. God FORBID I include a heart ANYWHERE in the wedding. I have already decided that my cousin is going to be my maid of honour and that I'm not going to have bridesmaids. This is mostly because my cousin is the closest person to me (aside from my partner) and I love her dearly and is the only person I want to be up there with me, but also in part because I don't want any push back on any of my plans. I know my middle sister is almost definitely relieved (though I think my eldest sister is disappointed). I also have not been talking to either of them about the wedding or any details that my partner and I have been planning because I don't want to deal with the jokes and mockery.
So how do I keep from getting upset and bothered every time I get made fun of for doing something the majority of people would think was totally normal? How do I not let her disdain of anything romantic not ruin the fun of planning the wedding, or the day of the wedding, or ruin my memory of the wedding by making fun of me for it after the fact? The only thing I have come up with is to send an email out to my whole family (not just her), saying "Look, I get it, you guys don't really buy in to the romantic touchy feely stuff, but my partner and I do so there are going to be some elements in our wedding that you're going to think are stupid. Please don't joke about them or make comments or anything else because that will just upset me and I know you wouldn't want that.", but doing a pre-emptive email like that seems like overkill and, to be honest, I would probably be made fun of for sending an email like that out...