What is the best choice for this relationship?
September 9, 2012 8:56 AM Subscribe
Should I tell the person I've dated that his time is up?
posted by kellybird to human relations (30 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
32 year old female here. I've been dating someone on and off for 11 months. He has been skittish and unsure that whole time about whether he wants to have a relationship with me. He spent probably half of that time figuring out things with his ex, semi-seriously dating at least one other person, and casually dating/sleeping-with a few others. None of this crossed any major ethical lines that I know of. He has regularly come knocking and said he misses me and likes me, but he hasn't had consistent follow through in this becoming a relationship.
One hesitation he brought up was that he did not have giddy feelings of infatuation with me as he had with his ex, and his strong feelings of love are/were intermittent. The last time we spoke and he said he liked me was ~3 weeks ago. The last time he became wishy washy and said he was figuring things out was ~1.5 weeks ago. We spent a lot of the spring apart because I had to be away for work. Last time we officially dated was in April, and last time we had a good relationship and spent significant time together was in February. Our other breaks have been primarily my choice, where he says he is unsure or unavailable, or is seeing someone else, and I say I'd better be out of contact so I can move on. We haven't had sex while we haven't been in a relationship. So far we've usually reconnected after a month or two.
I am at a point where if he doesn't follow through in the next month (which will bring things to a year since we met), the option is over. To me, "doesn't follow through" means dating someone new who is not me, and/or not asking me to meet up regularly with the purpose of deciding what we are to each other. Right now he and I have friendly relations and the lines of communication are open. He knows I like him.
My question is this: is it better to tell him that time is up in a month, or just make that internal decision and not bring it up in a conversation? FWIW, communication is typically fine and I have talked with him about my feelings in the past. The positives (obviously) are that we like each other a lot and are compatible, and have lots in common and an easy relationship. I think some of this hesitation is standard commitment fear, though some of may be that he's a douchebag or not into me or whatever, who knows, and none of it is necessarily solveable (at least not by me!).
Happy to provide any more clarification as you like.
(And gosh, I do feel a twinge of humiliation in even posting this.)
TL; DR: I pretty solidly feel that a guy I've dated on and off, for 11 months, has one more month until dating is no longer an option. Is this something I should bring up in a conversation, or just decide for myself?