My husband doesn't value intimacy
September 9, 2012 8:04 AM Subscribe
My aspie husband and I have good sex, but he doesn't seem to value intimacy. Or maybe to even be capable of it.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
My aspie husband and I have been having sex for 10 years. Over this time sex has become increasingly lonely for me as I have come to the conclusion he doesn't really value intimacy.
In the beginning, I approached him the way I approached other lovers: I wore lingerie, I lit candles, I made romantic dinners. I think, in retrospect, he basically went along with this to please me (or because he was going through the motions to get laid).
But all of that only ever originated with me. He's very happy with the sex we have, which results in orgasm for everyone but feels empty to me. He is perfectly silent through the whole thing; he never says my name, never says things feel good, never compliments any part of my body, never says he loves me during, never says it was good after. There is no explorative foreplay before and little cuddling after. I often feel like I could be anyone at all.
I don't expect it to be like the movies but this seems extreme to me. So I guess I'm wondering:
1) Is drawing a distinction between having sex and making love juvenile romance novel territory? (I don't want violins all the time, I just want them to be part of the mix.)
2) Is this just how a percentage of men would prefer to have sex if they all had cheerfully compliant partners?
3) Can he learn to feel what I used to feel when we went to bed? I really don't want him to just fake it to make me happy. I want real intimacy that is actually, genuinely shared.
4) What do I do? I have tried to explain this to him and while he's happy to listen, I don't think he has any understanding of what I'm talking about. It's like I'm describing sex on Mars.
5) Is this an Aspie thing? Is there somewhere I can go for support if it is?
Don't bother with DTMFA; if I can't get the real intimacy I'm craving, I will carry on without it. The sex gets full technical marks, and my husband is otherwise smart, funny, supportive, and generally awesome.