Relationships, am I right?
September 6, 2012 9:04 AM Subscribe
New adult relationships. How do they work?
A little over a year ago, my boyfriend of a large number of years and I broke up. He was my first long-term boyfriend and we broke up for really valid reasons and blah blah, it was fine, that's not what this question is really about. I've been single since then, and I started going out on dates around the beginning of 2012, mostly met via online. I am also definitely a Jesus Girlfriend so I've been trying to reform myself.
Dating was fun for me - I had never really done it properly before, so it was a new experience. I met a lot of really lovely people, and some not-so-lovely, and I enjoyed myself immensely. I was never in a 'I just want to get this over with!' mindset when it came to dating, which I know some people are.
And then on a date where I didn't expect a lot of spark, there was a ton of spark. And we've been seeing each other for about a month since, with sleepovers and mini-road trips and dinners. This past weekend, he asked if we could be in a for reals relationship, and I said yes, ok.
The problem is..... now what? I mean, we see each other on weekends, and occasionally during the week. Soooooo do we just keep doing that? My last relationship went from 0 to cohabitation in a matter of weeks, and I'm not really into doing that this time around, but I'm also having trouble reconciling what feels like turtles crawling. Also, I have a fair amount of male friends that I made during DateAPalooza, one of whom I am particularly close to, and I'm wondering when the switch will happen where I become less dependent on him and more dependent on my apparent new boyfriend.... who doesn't really feel like a REAL boyfriend yet. And I'm not sure if that's because I've become used to sleeping with guys without any sort of upfront commitment or if it's because of him.
But I definitely get the squiggly feelings in my stomach when I see or talk to him, and I get excited when we get to hang out, so I know that I LIKE-LIKE him (gah) but I guess my main question is... how do I not screw this up and learn to let things go at their own pace?
Because everyone asks, I'm a 29 year old female. And in case it's not abundantly clear from this post, I definitely suffer from anxiety. Haha.
BONUS QUESTION: He was diagnosed with bipolar II a few years ago and while he has taken necessary and responsible steps to control his illness (medication, therapy, etc.), I have read a lot about this affliction and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing, or if he's probably got his stuff under control and doesn't really need me to do anything.
A little over a year ago, my boyfriend of a large number of years and I broke up. He was my first long-term boyfriend and we broke up for really valid reasons and blah blah, it was fine, that's not what this question is really about. I've been single since then, and I started going out on dates around the beginning of 2012, mostly met via online. I am also definitely a Jesus Girlfriend so I've been trying to reform myself.
Dating was fun for me - I had never really done it properly before, so it was a new experience. I met a lot of really lovely people, and some not-so-lovely, and I enjoyed myself immensely. I was never in a 'I just want to get this over with!' mindset when it came to dating, which I know some people are.
And then on a date where I didn't expect a lot of spark, there was a ton of spark. And we've been seeing each other for about a month since, with sleepovers and mini-road trips and dinners. This past weekend, he asked if we could be in a for reals relationship, and I said yes, ok.
The problem is..... now what? I mean, we see each other on weekends, and occasionally during the week. Soooooo do we just keep doing that? My last relationship went from 0 to cohabitation in a matter of weeks, and I'm not really into doing that this time around, but I'm also having trouble reconciling what feels like turtles crawling. Also, I have a fair amount of male friends that I made during DateAPalooza, one of whom I am particularly close to, and I'm wondering when the switch will happen where I become less dependent on him and more dependent on my apparent new boyfriend.... who doesn't really feel like a REAL boyfriend yet. And I'm not sure if that's because I've become used to sleeping with guys without any sort of upfront commitment or if it's because of him.
But I definitely get the squiggly feelings in my stomach when I see or talk to him, and I get excited when we get to hang out, so I know that I LIKE-LIKE him (gah) but I guess my main question is... how do I not screw this up and learn to let things go at their own pace?
Because everyone asks, I'm a 29 year old female. And in case it's not abundantly clear from this post, I definitely suffer from anxiety. Haha.
BONUS QUESTION: He was diagnosed with bipolar II a few years ago and while he has taken necessary and responsible steps to control his illness (medication, therapy, etc.), I have read a lot about this affliction and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing, or if he's probably got his stuff under control and doesn't really need me to do anything.
The problem is..... now what? I mean, we see each other on weekends, and occasionally during the week. Soooooo do we just keep doing that
If you have a history of taking things too fast (and you do) then taking it slow is exactly what you need to be doing. Of course, there's a difference between "taking it slow" and "dead end relationship" and, unfortunately, they're sort of identical in the first while, but there should be an organic growth to it. A month is nothing. It's maybe the beginning of the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and you can't judge shit by that phase. By your schedule, you've probably seen each other maybe a dozen separate times. You'll start seeing one another more often as you get closer, and then you'll hopefully be able to tell if this is a person with whom things are going to last. Everything sounds on track; if you two keep dating but don't get closer after three, six, nine months, then you might have to do some examining. For now, assume you're expecting an unrealistic speed of things happening.
I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing, or if he's probably got his stuff under control and doesn't really need me to do anything.
While things are still new, you can leave him be about it. And by "leave him be" I mean "don't assume it's bipolar disorder that is making him act this way" when he acts weird. It could be, it could not be. If he's responsibly taking care of it, he should have mental safeguards in place to let him know that something is wrong. At some point, you might end up being one of those safeguards, but not yet.
After you get closer -- much, much closer -- and you realize this is a Serious Relationship, you can ask him if you can attend one of his therapy sessions, for the purposes of getting better educated about his affliction. Keep in mind that it is well within reason for him to say 'no', and you'll have to be okay with that.
posted by griphus at 9:24 AM on September 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you have a history of taking things too fast (and you do) then taking it slow is exactly what you need to be doing. Of course, there's a difference between "taking it slow" and "dead end relationship" and, unfortunately, they're sort of identical in the first while, but there should be an organic growth to it. A month is nothing. It's maybe the beginning of the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and you can't judge shit by that phase. By your schedule, you've probably seen each other maybe a dozen separate times. You'll start seeing one another more often as you get closer, and then you'll hopefully be able to tell if this is a person with whom things are going to last. Everything sounds on track; if you two keep dating but don't get closer after three, six, nine months, then you might have to do some examining. For now, assume you're expecting an unrealistic speed of things happening.
I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing, or if he's probably got his stuff under control and doesn't really need me to do anything.
While things are still new, you can leave him be about it. And by "leave him be" I mean "don't assume it's bipolar disorder that is making him act this way" when he acts weird. It could be, it could not be. If he's responsibly taking care of it, he should have mental safeguards in place to let him know that something is wrong. At some point, you might end up being one of those safeguards, but not yet.
After you get closer -- much, much closer -- and you realize this is a Serious Relationship, you can ask him if you can attend one of his therapy sessions, for the purposes of getting better educated about his affliction. Keep in mind that it is well within reason for him to say 'no', and you'll have to be okay with that.
posted by griphus at 9:24 AM on September 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
The problem is..... now what? I mean, we see each other on weekends, and occasionally during the week. Soooooo do we just keep doing that?
Yes.
who doesn't really feel like a REAL boyfriend yet. And I'm not sure if that's because I've become used to sleeping with guys without any sort of upfront commitment or if it's because of him.
It's because it's been a month. Give it time. Let it grow. Learn to enjoy the slow, dizzy anticipation.
But I definitely get the squiggly feelings in my stomach when I see or talk to him, and I get excited when we get to hang out, so I know that I LIKE-LIKE him (gah) but I guess my main question is... how do I not screw this up and learn to let things go at their own pace?
If this is a good relationship, and it sounds like one, then my advice to you is to enjoy each moment, each phase of it, as it comes. Right now you're in the early, heady rush of getting to know someone new and exciting. Enjoy that. Here and now, these are some good times. Other times will come later and they'll be good in different ways.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:24 AM on September 6, 2012 [3 favorites]
Yes.
who doesn't really feel like a REAL boyfriend yet. And I'm not sure if that's because I've become used to sleeping with guys without any sort of upfront commitment or if it's because of him.
It's because it's been a month. Give it time. Let it grow. Learn to enjoy the slow, dizzy anticipation.
But I definitely get the squiggly feelings in my stomach when I see or talk to him, and I get excited when we get to hang out, so I know that I LIKE-LIKE him (gah) but I guess my main question is... how do I not screw this up and learn to let things go at their own pace?
If this is a good relationship, and it sounds like one, then my advice to you is to enjoy each moment, each phase of it, as it comes. Right now you're in the early, heady rush of getting to know someone new and exciting. Enjoy that. Here and now, these are some good times. Other times will come later and they'll be good in different ways.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:24 AM on September 6, 2012 [3 favorites]
Your own link to Jesus Girlfriend included this piece of advice i suggest re-reading
be completely unnecessary and thereby totally essential to this man
And vice versa. Be independent.
Sexual exclusivity, deep emotional connection, cohabitation, love, financial commitment etc... are not chained together: They are served a la carte.
Take what you want, do what you want, when you want to. And really stop to consider carefully when you are making these changes to be sure it is want you want and not just what ought to be next.
There are no hard and fast rules that work for everyone.
posted by French Fry at 9:27 AM on September 6, 2012 [8 favorites]
be completely unnecessary and thereby totally essential to this man
And vice versa. Be independent.
Sexual exclusivity, deep emotional connection, cohabitation, love, financial commitment etc... are not chained together: They are served a la carte.
Take what you want, do what you want, when you want to. And really stop to consider carefully when you are making these changes to be sure it is want you want and not just what ought to be next.
There are no hard and fast rules that work for everyone.
posted by French Fry at 9:27 AM on September 6, 2012 [8 favorites]
ALSO
this:
I have read a lot about this affliction and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing, or if he's probably got his stuff under control and doesn't really need me to do anything.
is in direct conflict with this:
I am also definitely a Jesus Girlfriend so I've been trying to reform myself.
don't do things you explicitly say you don't want to do.
posted by French Fry at 9:31 AM on September 6, 2012 [6 favorites]
this:
I have read a lot about this affliction and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing, or if he's probably got his stuff under control and doesn't really need me to do anything.
is in direct conflict with this:
I am also definitely a Jesus Girlfriend so I've been trying to reform myself.
don't do things you explicitly say you don't want to do.
posted by French Fry at 9:31 AM on September 6, 2012 [6 favorites]
I'm of the opinion that you co-habitate when you marry. Why on earth would you want to be in a financial/legal entanglement with someone who isn't legally committed to you?
Millions of people in the US alone do this and it works out fine for them, whether it ends in marriage or not. Sometimes it ends badly, but this is true of pretty much everything else. Why have an opinion that flies in the face of reality?
Soooooo do we just keep doing that?
Yep.
how do I not screw this up and learn to let things go at their own pace?
If your question is of the form "How do I learn to [do emotional work] so that I can [do this thing]", the answer is always: just do the thing, worry about the rest after you have done the thing. So, chill, and don't come to AskMe every week panicking and asking about what's going on. Your relationship is a month old; let it get established and become a thing before you start evaluating it.
I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing
Not this early in the relationship, apart from letting him know you appreciate the candor and encouraging him to be open about his illness as you two get more comfortable.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 9:34 AM on September 6, 2012 [5 favorites]
Millions of people in the US alone do this and it works out fine for them, whether it ends in marriage or not. Sometimes it ends badly, but this is true of pretty much everything else. Why have an opinion that flies in the face of reality?
Soooooo do we just keep doing that?
Yep.
how do I not screw this up and learn to let things go at their own pace?
If your question is of the form "How do I learn to [do emotional work] so that I can [do this thing]", the answer is always: just do the thing, worry about the rest after you have done the thing. So, chill, and don't come to AskMe every week panicking and asking about what's going on. Your relationship is a month old; let it get established and become a thing before you start evaluating it.
I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing
Not this early in the relationship, apart from letting him know you appreciate the candor and encouraging him to be open about his illness as you two get more comfortable.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 9:34 AM on September 6, 2012 [5 favorites]
The thing to realize about adult relationship is that you are both fully-formed people. By that I mean, assuming he's not got chronic debilitating problems, he's figured out how to cope and function in day-to-day at least as well as you have. He can feed himself, pay his bills and all that, but more importantly, he's figured out a worldview and how he likes his life arranged. Certainly, he wants more, a relationship at least, but he does have a mode of living figured out, as do you, and there need to be a certain level of respect for that, for his choices and opinions, even in the mundane things. Celebrate his independence. This is what not being a Jesus Girlfriend is, respecting and trusting his judgement.
As to how to proceed, there are no rules, only what the two of you feel the best thing is. I've known people who met as adults and were married with in a month. As one said, they were both adults, both knew what they wanted and didn't see any point in delay. I've equally known people to maintain separate households for years because that's what worked for them. External expectations shouldn't matter. What do you want? What does he want?
posted by bonehead at 9:37 AM on September 6, 2012 [5 favorites]
As to how to proceed, there are no rules, only what the two of you feel the best thing is. I've known people who met as adults and were married with in a month. As one said, they were both adults, both knew what they wanted and didn't see any point in delay. I've equally known people to maintain separate households for years because that's what worked for them. External expectations shouldn't matter. What do you want? What does he want?
posted by bonehead at 9:37 AM on September 6, 2012 [5 favorites]
What do you want? What does he want? --- in other words, have you discussed this with him yet?
posted by bonehead at 9:45 AM on September 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by bonehead at 9:45 AM on September 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
Imagine your best friend. You hang out, go to dinner, go to shows, go on vacations, etc. You even do some mundane things, like shopping for mops and oven cleaner, but the trip to the store is a little more fun because you can laugh and joke with your best friend.
You can do all that with a best friend, right?
Now imagine doing all of that with a best friend you can hold hands with on a long walk on the beach.
Bang, done.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:49 AM on September 6, 2012 [25 favorites]
You can do all that with a best friend, right?
Now imagine doing all of that with a best friend you can hold hands with on a long walk on the beach.
Bang, done.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:49 AM on September 6, 2012 [25 favorites]
He was diagnosed with bipolar II a few years ago and while he has taken necessary and responsible steps to control his illness (medication, therapy, etc.), I have read a lot about this affliction and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do or should be doing, or if he's probably got his stuff under control and doesn't really need me to do anything.
Many people with bipolar go through phases of feeling like they don't need the medication. This can be just a minor "ah, better get back on the horse" scenario, or it could go Horribly Wrong (running up credit cards, drinking and driving, risky sex). There's no way to tell if you've only been together a month. I wouldn't blindly trust what he says about it - he's trying to present his best face to you right now and he may minimize the effect the condition has on him. There's nothing you can do to manage his condition, but I would be cautious about making a concrete commitment until you've seen with your own eyes that he's carefully managing this over a period of, say, a year.
posted by desjardins at 10:48 AM on September 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
Many people with bipolar go through phases of feeling like they don't need the medication. This can be just a minor "ah, better get back on the horse" scenario, or it could go Horribly Wrong (running up credit cards, drinking and driving, risky sex). There's no way to tell if you've only been together a month. I wouldn't blindly trust what he says about it - he's trying to present his best face to you right now and he may minimize the effect the condition has on him. There's nothing you can do to manage his condition, but I would be cautious about making a concrete commitment until you've seen with your own eyes that he's carefully managing this over a period of, say, a year.
posted by desjardins at 10:48 AM on September 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
A list if things you should consider as part of "exclusivity and commitment."
1. You're likely to have at least 1 meal a day together. If this involves a meal at home, you should figure out if he expects cooking or take out.
2. Available sex. He likely understands that you don't want him having sex with someone else, therefore he will expect you will indulge him a lot more frequently than before. If your drive is less than his, you'll need to prepare & figure out how to keep him happy.
3. Activities : the activities you engage in together will change. He may introduce you to other interests on his life and activities based around those that you may have never considered before (sports, intellectual, religious, etc.)
4. Family interaction becomes more frequent and you should be prepared for this (Christmas, thanksgiving, weddings of family members, family getaways, etc.)
There will be plenty of other, smaller day-to-day things, but this is a good start.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:46 AM on September 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
1. You're likely to have at least 1 meal a day together. If this involves a meal at home, you should figure out if he expects cooking or take out.
2. Available sex. He likely understands that you don't want him having sex with someone else, therefore he will expect you will indulge him a lot more frequently than before. If your drive is less than his, you'll need to prepare & figure out how to keep him happy.
3. Activities : the activities you engage in together will change. He may introduce you to other interests on his life and activities based around those that you may have never considered before (sports, intellectual, religious, etc.)
4. Family interaction becomes more frequent and you should be prepared for this (Christmas, thanksgiving, weddings of family members, family getaways, etc.)
There will be plenty of other, smaller day-to-day things, but this is a good start.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:46 AM on September 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you do not want to screw this up, don't move too fast. Don't move in right away, don't bring up marriage until you're both ready. Be on the same page with him. If you're not, this is a great litmus test to tell if something isn't right.
posted by horizonseeker at 1:36 PM on September 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by horizonseeker at 1:36 PM on September 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
I am a former Jesus Girlfriend (cool link!) that still does the occasional care-taking act for my current boyfriend. But really, it's just the ebb and flow and tradeoff of convenience that I live and work near Target and he does not.
I've been a serial monogamist since I was 19, with very little downtime between serious relationships. In the span of 10 months, I left a boyfriend of two years, then met and married someone else. Divorced my husband after 4 years.
My current relationship, I've been in for about 18 months, and I am more "single" now than I have ever been in my adult life. I'm 28 and learning how to be independent, socially and emotionally. It's awesome.
So far, we're both in it for the long haul (though not kids, so maybe not marriage), but have no solid plans to live together. We each love the homes we have right now.
I stay with my boyfriend on weekends (we occasionally sleep at my place), and we see each other maybe 3 weeknights a month. We text/email most days, but not in much depth. Maybe 1 or 2 phone calls a week. He comes to support me at family gatherings, and he wants me to go along this Christmas to see his folks back east.
My suggestions for you:
1) Find a place in your life (NOT related to your boyfriend) where you can set goals and have a sense of progression/advancement. Whether it's your education or career or a hobby or achieving a particular rank in martial arts, find a new way to process progress and define yourself
2) Have a list of PERSONAL goals/accomplishments/things that you want to do before moving in with this guy. Maybe even have a smaller list that you want to accomplish before *discussing* moving in with him. Create a barrier that you can take seriously, and focus on yourself, to make sure that you're growing as yourself, and not just becoming a part of him.
By the way. Recovery from being a Jesus Girlfriend is hard. Learning to be independent and stand on your own two feet is hard. You've caught me on a good week, but I still struggle with this stuff. But totally worth it.
As to your bonus question: Assume that he has his shit together until he admits to you that he doesn't, or his behavior makes it abundantly clear that he does not. And when he needs help, make sure you have clear boundaries and don't loose yourself into Jesus Girlfriend Mode again.
Good luck.
posted by itesser at 1:56 PM on September 6, 2012 [3 favorites]
I've been a serial monogamist since I was 19, with very little downtime between serious relationships. In the span of 10 months, I left a boyfriend of two years, then met and married someone else. Divorced my husband after 4 years.
My current relationship, I've been in for about 18 months, and I am more "single" now than I have ever been in my adult life. I'm 28 and learning how to be independent, socially and emotionally. It's awesome.
So far, we're both in it for the long haul (though not kids, so maybe not marriage), but have no solid plans to live together. We each love the homes we have right now.
I stay with my boyfriend on weekends (we occasionally sleep at my place), and we see each other maybe 3 weeknights a month. We text/email most days, but not in much depth. Maybe 1 or 2 phone calls a week. He comes to support me at family gatherings, and he wants me to go along this Christmas to see his folks back east.
My suggestions for you:
1) Find a place in your life (NOT related to your boyfriend) where you can set goals and have a sense of progression/advancement. Whether it's your education or career or a hobby or achieving a particular rank in martial arts, find a new way to process progress and define yourself
2) Have a list of PERSONAL goals/accomplishments/things that you want to do before moving in with this guy. Maybe even have a smaller list that you want to accomplish before *discussing* moving in with him. Create a barrier that you can take seriously, and focus on yourself, to make sure that you're growing as yourself, and not just becoming a part of him.
By the way. Recovery from being a Jesus Girlfriend is hard. Learning to be independent and stand on your own two feet is hard. You've caught me on a good week, but I still struggle with this stuff. But totally worth it.
As to your bonus question: Assume that he has his shit together until he admits to you that he doesn't, or his behavior makes it abundantly clear that he does not. And when he needs help, make sure you have clear boundaries and don't loose yourself into Jesus Girlfriend Mode again.
Good luck.
posted by itesser at 1:56 PM on September 6, 2012 [3 favorites]
It sounds like things are going well. Just continue to see him when you both feel like getting together. For now that will probably still be on the weekends and sometimes during the week. When you find yourself starting to sleep in the same bed 5 nights out of the week, it's time to start thinking about cohabitation. Notice I said start thinking. Under no circumstances should you move in together before you've been in a relationship for a bare minimum of 6 months, and a year is much, much better. Along those lines, my opinion is the opposite of Ruthless Bunny's, in that I would never marry someone without living together first, because I would never want to make a permanent legal commitment to someone without knowing whether or not we can live together successfully.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:09 AM on September 7, 2012
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:09 AM on September 7, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
Continue to date. Do it as often as you both want to. At some point the time will come when it's time to take it to the next level. You'll know it. You may want to marry, or be domestic partners, or something along that line. THEN you move in together.
Also, don't be dependent on boys. Not if they're friends, not if they're boyfriends. Be independent. Independent makes your decision-making process so much easier! You take into account what is in YOUR best interests, and really, that's what it's about.
As for the bipolar thing, as long as he's doing his therapy and meds, unless his behavior gets wacky, it's not really any of your buisness. You can tell him, "Hey, we both have mental health issues, let's make a pact, I'll tell you when I need something from you and vice versa, okay?" Then do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:15 AM on September 6, 2012 [3 favorites]