Post-Break up Anxiety and Catastrophizing for a Month? Please Help?

September 5, 2012 3:13 PM

How do I stop being so scared of my ex boyfriend not thinking well of me in the future?

So it's been a month after breaking up our relationship of three years (which was very amicable and we both told each other we would continue to care for each other) and we still have very friendly conversations every now and then. I know he thinks well of me and he is pretty in-control of his emotions. However, I recently remembered that I had lied to him about the things I did with some guy prior to meeting my now ex-boyfriend. Also, during our relationship, I had confessed to a couple of lies or secrets I kept from him. Now I'm scared that he'll find out in the future about me lying about my previous relationship and think that I am some habitual liar, that our whole relationship was based on lies, and not look back on us as fondly as he does now. And I would feel better if I know he is the type of person to approach me and ask me why I lied, but I'm scared that he'll keep it inside and resent me forever. I just want us to be caring friends so I can leave our memories as good memories and move on... Is this just my anxiety and catastrophizing or are my concerns legitimate? Thank you so much for your perspectives.

posted by jujube123 to human relations (10 answers total)

Nope, this is anxiety and catastrophizing. He'll think what he wants to think, and since you're ex's now he probably won't kill a lot of time worrying about what you may or may not have said about something that happened before you dated.
posted by facetious at 3:17 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

May I recommend reading:

Seeking Validation & Understanding in Your Poor Relationships Part 1
Seeking Validation & Understanding in Your Poor Relationships Part 2

They discuss how to get over feeling validated by the other party after the relationship has ended.
posted by Shouraku at 3:24 PM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm so sorry. I've had these same sorts of thought processes a lot and finally after a couple decades of living with it, realized that it was anxiety. What's going to help these incredibly awful, intrusive thoughts recede is dealing with the anxiety itself (trying to do something about the situation will only make you more anxious.) Here's what I did, which has made a big fat difference:

I bought (and continue to do the exercises in) the oft-recommended book Feeling Good (writing style is hokey but advice and exercises contained within are incredibly useful).

I also started exercising most days (not just walking to work but doing things like running, or doing a Gillian Michaels tape that raise your heart rate)--which is key; and doing mindfulness meditation (a great book for this is The Mindful Way Through Depression. Don't let the title fool you, it's very much about anxiety.)

I also went to therapy which was helpful, but no more than the other things.

I'm sorry you have to deal with these shitty feelings, and good luck kicking the ass of your anxiety.
posted by supercoollady at 3:30 PM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

You are adjusting. Your mind is doing what your tongue does when it continues to return to the site of an extracted tooth. Give your self something else to think about. Do not wonder what might have been, think of what will be in this new stage of your life.
Distract yourself. Put away ex's picture. Cut yourself off from that old reality. Change your hair, buy new shoes, re-arrange you furniture. Scrub your bathroom.
posted by Cranberry at 4:23 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

One thing to consider, and while it's only one thing it can be kind of a biggie when evaluating relationships in the past tense, is that all couples lie to each other. The lies might be big or they might be small, they might be flat-out untruths or they might be ugly exaggerations that can often hurt more and be more dishonest than full-on lies, but they always happen.
posted by item at 4:24 PM on September 5, 2012

It's only been one month. Maybe this fear is one way your grief is expressing itself? I often find myself thinking of reasons I need to have some kind of serious or confessional talk with an ex in the wake of a breakup, and at the time it always seems VERY urgent. I think it comes from a longing to reconnect in an intimate way, and it fades in time. When I've stuck to my guns and have NOT followed through on that urge, I haven't regretted it. When I have followed through with it, I've never gotten the response that I hoped for - even if I thought it was what I hoped for, what I really wanted was for us to not have broken up.

Sometimes I think of my anxiety as a tantrum-throwing toddler. There's no talking to her, I can't force her to stop throwing the tantrum, but I'm the grownup and I'm in charge. I can distract her. I can make decisions. I can put her in time out. So ... I make accommodations as best I can - for me this means things like never getting on a plane without books and anti-anxiety pills. For you this might mean limiting contact with your ex for a while, until the wound isn't so raw, and giving yourself interesting and fun things to do. Intense physical activity is great for this.

I'm sorry this is happening, and I know it sucks like everything. But you'll get through it, you will. I promise.
posted by bunderful at 5:08 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Approach him. Talk to him, and then come clean about the lies. The solution is not found on the inside, but the outside. He's a man, he'll forgive, and you'll feel the weight lift off your shoulders.
posted by Kruger5 at 5:16 PM on September 5, 2012

I don't think you should talk to him about it. Running to him for comfort about something relatively minor that you did in your now-ended relationship would make you come off as needy, clingy, insecure, and, to many guys (we all know how this term is used to disempower women's emotions so please let's not get into a fight about it), kind of crazy- which will make him think far worse of you than the current circumstance. It's also not fair to him.

People tend to reminisce fondly about fairly good relationships that ended amicably, and forget the details, good and bad, as time goes by. I highly doubt that he would think any less of you if he found this stuff out; people lie sometimes, and besides, he probably didn't memorize what you said in the first place.

The bottom line is that if you two are broken up and he was a willing participant or an instigator of the breakup, he's not having that many thoughts about you- good or bad. I'm sorry. It sounds like you still really need his approval or validation, though, which happens to all of us sometimes- maybe you should talk to someone professional about this.

Sorry you're going through this- best of luck.
posted by windykites at 6:59 PM on September 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Hi guys, thank you for all of your advice! It really helped me think this through! Except I'm now anxious about another issue... It is again about having lied about something. While I was in a study abroad program, I wanted to come home earlier to see my ex bf, so I lied to my peers saying that my dad needed to get surgery. Now I am afraid one of these peers will look him up on facebook ( I don't have one anymore), ask him how my dad is doing, and he will find out that I lied about that and he will think I'm crazy... When will the anxiety and catastrophizing thoughts stop?
posted by jujube123 at 4:14 PM on September 14, 2012

All the same answers still apply. Also, maybe you shouldn't lie so much; it's obviously not helping you.


The thoughts will stop when they're done. When you don't care about his opinion so much. It's gonna take time. Go to therapy. Wait a year. Things will get better.
posted by windykites at 4:23 PM on September 14, 2012