How to deal with "casually dating" someone I'm head-over-heels over? He's on the other side of the world, and I miss him ridiculously.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
TLDR: I'm a college student in the US dating someone older, who lives far away and loves me but isn't explicitly committed. We have known each other well for half a year and have been dating for four months, a month total of dating in person. He is very very busy, and the drop in contact recently is driving me nuts. How do I proceed, right now and in the future?
January of this year, I started to get to know an awesome, international graduate student at my university. Near the end of the academic year, we slipped into dating. I was smitten, and he was too, but both of us thought we would end he graduated in the spring, although I planned to visit him the end of the summer. So, after three weeks, he graduated and went back home to Asia. I went abroad for myself in Europe. We kept on talking, mostly over email and chat, and... Somehow neither of us could break away. The end of summer came, and I visited his city, staying part of the time on my own and part with him. By the end of that week, I was very in love with him, dangerously so for my heart considering the circumstances. He was, by his own confession, in love with me too.
I'm eager to date him seriously and told him that clearly when I was visiting. Specifically, I told him I would consider moving for him if that time came. But he told me he was only ready to date, not to be in a relationship, because of his increasing job responsibilities and the distance.
Other details that might be relevant: He is older by five years, and he may or may not be back at my university next spring for an extended, multi-year stay. He will definitely be back in the US in the next year or two, although perhaps not near my school. We are both Asian. We've both had serious relationships before. My guy is also the type to be quieter and less inclined to state everything out.
The trouble is that I'm craving him all the time, but I talk with him much less than I did in the summer, when we either exchanged long emails or chatted almost every day. He really is busier now, but I'm guessing if he wanted to, he could make more time for me - emailing, chatting, etc. I'm just a bit heartbroken. I know he feels strongly for me, but argh. It's driving me nuts. I have been sending him emails and trying to catch him online on chat clients, but I sometimes go days with silence from him. I'm not sure what to do because 1. we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend and 2. he is really, legitimately stressed and short on free time. I would like to be content with chatting with him for a little bit every few days, but I've been failing at that spectacularly. I'm alternatively cheery and brooding, and I can't keep doing this. Please help me hivemind!
1. What do I do in the short-term? Ask him for more time together? Let it go and distance myself? If so, how do I stop obsessing? Every time I talk with him, I'm reminded of how awesome he is and fall a bit more in love with him.
2. What do I do in the long-term? I'm willing to be serious, planning-our-future serious, but it takes two. I know from what he has told me and done that he loves me very much. I think the circumstances surrounding the relationship and where we are individually in our lives are, understandably, holding him back.