20-something seeks reassurance about lack of headway in life
August 30, 2012 8:55 PM Subscribe
I am in my mid twenties having some kind of ridiculous quarter life crisis. How can I constructively think about a Timeline For My Life? What are the things I should actually be putting my energy toward worrying about at this point in my life?
So I feel really young and ridiculous asking this question, but I am about to turn 25. I am more or less happy with what my life has looked like so far, but I feel like I've made some sort of timeline in my head where by the time I'm 30 I have some nice career and a long term relationship and am settled in my forever-city where I will live happily ever after with my dream partner and a successful career trajectory.
And that's just not going to happen, probably. I have bounced around the country (and to some extent, world) since I moved away from home, my longest relationship has lasted half a year, I've had a lot of interesting jobs but they're in a field where it's hard to find a full time permanent position. And I guess I'm not ready to even start working toward any of that-- I still want to do some more international travelling, if I met my dream guy I would probably always wish I'd had other serious relationships before him, I have no idea where in the US I would eventually like to settle.
Anyway, I objectively know that this is Okay (I think-- right??). I'm not really living aimlessly now-- I like my jobs and they are relevant to what I am interested in doing as a career, I'm self supported, I like the places that I am living, I generally like the guys I'm dating even though they're not what I have in mind for a life partner.
But I can't shake the feeling that someday I'm going to turn around and realize that it's Too Late to build those good, stable adult things. I grew up in a small town-- all the people I grew up with are five or more years into their marriages, buying houses, sending their children to kindergarten, etc. It's not at all that I am jealous (I am sure that this would not have been the right path for me), I just have this nagging feeling that I'll get left behind or something.
So I guess I'm looking for input on how to think about a Life Timeline in a constructive non-panicky way. And I'm also looking for any input from older people on what they do regret about (or are glad about) that they did or didn't do in their mid and late 20s, in terms of how they set themselves up for later decades. So, I'm looking for advice on what actually is important, as well as advice on how to relax about the things that will come with time.
So I feel really young and ridiculous asking this question, but I am about to turn 25. I am more or less happy with what my life has looked like so far, but I feel like I've made some sort of timeline in my head where by the time I'm 30 I have some nice career and a long term relationship and am settled in my forever-city where I will live happily ever after with my dream partner and a successful career trajectory.
And that's just not going to happen, probably. I have bounced around the country (and to some extent, world) since I moved away from home, my longest relationship has lasted half a year, I've had a lot of interesting jobs but they're in a field where it's hard to find a full time permanent position. And I guess I'm not ready to even start working toward any of that-- I still want to do some more international travelling, if I met my dream guy I would probably always wish I'd had other serious relationships before him, I have no idea where in the US I would eventually like to settle.
Anyway, I objectively know that this is Okay (I think-- right??). I'm not really living aimlessly now-- I like my jobs and they are relevant to what I am interested in doing as a career, I'm self supported, I like the places that I am living, I generally like the guys I'm dating even though they're not what I have in mind for a life partner.
But I can't shake the feeling that someday I'm going to turn around and realize that it's Too Late to build those good, stable adult things. I grew up in a small town-- all the people I grew up with are five or more years into their marriages, buying houses, sending their children to kindergarten, etc. It's not at all that I am jealous (I am sure that this would not have been the right path for me), I just have this nagging feeling that I'll get left behind or something.
So I guess I'm looking for input on how to think about a Life Timeline in a constructive non-panicky way. And I'm also looking for any input from older people on what they do regret about (or are glad about) that they did or didn't do in their mid and late 20s, in terms of how they set themselves up for later decades. So, I'm looking for advice on what actually is important, as well as advice on how to relax about the things that will come with time.
Your priorities are in exactly the right place.
The only thing I would say, which is the exact thing I said in this similar question, is that if there's something you've always wanted to do, something you figured you'd do "someday", start working toward that NOW. I don't mean things like an IRA and marriage and a good dentist.
What I mean is, you're traveling a lot and maybe working casual jobs, but is there some skill or qualification you need in order to (someday) get the career you really want? Start thinking realistically about that, and hopefully making a plan for how you'll achieve it. Is there some dream you've always had that you're not working on at all right now, like learning a foreign language or making art or starting a band? Don't procrastinate on that stuff.
Because someday you're going to turn around and realize it's Too Late to spend a year selling ethnic trinkets at music festivals or get a PhD in Persian literature or make an independent film. Whereas, short of childbearing, most of the typical "Grownup Stuff" can be put off almost indefinitely.
posted by Sara C. at 9:08 PM on August 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
The only thing I would say, which is the exact thing I said in this similar question, is that if there's something you've always wanted to do, something you figured you'd do "someday", start working toward that NOW. I don't mean things like an IRA and marriage and a good dentist.
What I mean is, you're traveling a lot and maybe working casual jobs, but is there some skill or qualification you need in order to (someday) get the career you really want? Start thinking realistically about that, and hopefully making a plan for how you'll achieve it. Is there some dream you've always had that you're not working on at all right now, like learning a foreign language or making art or starting a band? Don't procrastinate on that stuff.
Because someday you're going to turn around and realize it's Too Late to spend a year selling ethnic trinkets at music festivals or get a PhD in Persian literature or make an independent film. Whereas, short of childbearing, most of the typical "Grownup Stuff" can be put off almost indefinitely.
posted by Sara C. at 9:08 PM on August 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
When my kids were still relatively young, I read a book about the psychological relationship people have to time. They had people do timelines of their lives. Men typically wrote things for the future like "On X date, I will retire...and finally buy that boat I always wanted!" In other words, endings were anticipated as the start of some positive new thing. This was fairly strongly correlated with a positive outlook for their futire.
In contrast, women typically wrote futures filled with only endings and most of those endings were things they had no control over - husband retiring, kids graduating and moving out, people dying. This timeline profile was strongly correlated with a very negative outlook about the future.
I promptly decided to start planning a career for my future. I knew women who had done terrible things to try to avoid empty nest syndrome, because they needed their kids more than the kids needed them. I vowed that I would not be that type of mom, that when my kids grew up and moved out, that would be a long anticipated new beginning for me personally.
So I would suggest you set goals of some sort. I would also suggest your goals be tied to benchmarks rather than dates. Instead of "by age 30..." it could be "after X accomplishment I will do yadda".
Also, you might feel like your string of jobs is more serious if you do some financial planning and investing for retirement. A career is just meaningful work with some kind of future. It sounds like you have that piece of it but maybe don't have the "serious money" that most people assume goes with a "real career". Those two things can be somewhat separate. It doesn't have to be a job with tenure and a retirement plan. Actors generally don't get tenure or vested retirement accounts. If they want financial stability of that sort, they have to handle it kind of on their own.
posted by Michele in California at 9:18 PM on August 30, 2012 [7 favorites]
In contrast, women typically wrote futures filled with only endings and most of those endings were things they had no control over - husband retiring, kids graduating and moving out, people dying. This timeline profile was strongly correlated with a very negative outlook about the future.
I promptly decided to start planning a career for my future. I knew women who had done terrible things to try to avoid empty nest syndrome, because they needed their kids more than the kids needed them. I vowed that I would not be that type of mom, that when my kids grew up and moved out, that would be a long anticipated new beginning for me personally.
So I would suggest you set goals of some sort. I would also suggest your goals be tied to benchmarks rather than dates. Instead of "by age 30..." it could be "after X accomplishment I will do yadda".
Also, you might feel like your string of jobs is more serious if you do some financial planning and investing for retirement. A career is just meaningful work with some kind of future. It sounds like you have that piece of it but maybe don't have the "serious money" that most people assume goes with a "real career". Those two things can be somewhat separate. It doesn't have to be a job with tenure and a retirement plan. Actors generally don't get tenure or vested retirement accounts. If they want financial stability of that sort, they have to handle it kind of on their own.
posted by Michele in California at 9:18 PM on August 30, 2012 [7 favorites]
So I feel really young and ridiculous asking this question, but I am about to turn 25. I am more or less happy with what my life has looked like so far, but I feel like I've made some sort of timeline in my head where by the time I'm 30 I have some nice career and a long term relationship and am settled in my forever-city where I will live happily ever after with my dream partner and a successful career trajectory.
A lot of people have had those thoughts. A lot can change in 3 years, and sometimes it's hard to imagine some success that's healthy and nice to reflect on from age 30, but just different from one's own concept of success at age 27.
And I guess I'm not ready to even start working toward any of that-- I still want to do some more international travelling, if I met my dream guy I would probably always wish I'd had other serious relationships before him, I have no idea where in the US I would eventually like to settle.
You are right about this being OK. The pressure you feel about that stuff (settling into a "successful" career path) is normal and to some degree healthy, and you're doing the right thing by asking about it.
But I can't shake the feeling that someday I'm going to turn around and realize that it's Too Late to build those good, stable adult things. I grew up in a small town-- all the people I grew up with are five or more years into their marriages, buying houses, sending their children to kindergarten, etc. It's not at all that I am jealous (I am sure that this would not have been the right path for me), I just have this nagging feeling that I'll get left behind or something.
Guessing it's more of a comparison thing. There's a really good chance those people are looking at you and thinking, "Truly I have wasted my life." :-) (I do this on FB all the time and I am older than 30) Especially if you are traveling, sharing photos of your experiences, etc.
So I guess I'm looking for input on how to think about a Life Timeline in a constructive non-panicky way. And I'm also looking for any input from older people on what they do regret about (or are glad about) that they did or didn't do in their mid and late 20s, in terms of how they set themselves up for later decades. So, I'm looking for advice on what actually is important, as well as advice on how to relax about the things that will come with time.
Life Timeline: Wish I hadn't worried about mine so much. I started doing that sort of projecting when I was 21, and it just got more depressing to look at my progress throughout my 20s. When big changes did happen eventually, they sure happened fast though. That was neat to experience. :-)
What I regret about my mid and late 20s: Not taking care of myself better. I tried too hard to stay in positions where I thought I should be and didn't take enough time to do fun things. I spent too much time planning out what to say to people to make them think I would be successful soon. I didn't ask people for help when I needed it most, and pushed myself too hard to sort out my own problems. And that was really, really stupid. I also dialed out of social circles instead of finding different social circles that made me happier. So my 20s seem really lonely and depressed to me, looking back now.
How to relax: I would really suggest visiting a life coach if you can find one that is a personality match for you. They are typically fun people to talk to and can help you figure out where you are right now and what an appropriate set of "next steps" is, or just things to keep in mind like "do X, Y, and Z without judging myself," or "start attending activity X to break out of my shell a bit and do fun things" and so on.
Really though, having someone to talk to about these things is crucial. Be sure to open up and let others know how you feel. Good luck and I know you'll do awesome.
posted by circular at 9:19 PM on August 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
A lot of people have had those thoughts. A lot can change in 3 years, and sometimes it's hard to imagine some success that's healthy and nice to reflect on from age 30, but just different from one's own concept of success at age 27.
And I guess I'm not ready to even start working toward any of that-- I still want to do some more international travelling, if I met my dream guy I would probably always wish I'd had other serious relationships before him, I have no idea where in the US I would eventually like to settle.
You are right about this being OK. The pressure you feel about that stuff (settling into a "successful" career path) is normal and to some degree healthy, and you're doing the right thing by asking about it.
But I can't shake the feeling that someday I'm going to turn around and realize that it's Too Late to build those good, stable adult things. I grew up in a small town-- all the people I grew up with are five or more years into their marriages, buying houses, sending their children to kindergarten, etc. It's not at all that I am jealous (I am sure that this would not have been the right path for me), I just have this nagging feeling that I'll get left behind or something.
Guessing it's more of a comparison thing. There's a really good chance those people are looking at you and thinking, "Truly I have wasted my life." :-) (I do this on FB all the time and I am older than 30) Especially if you are traveling, sharing photos of your experiences, etc.
So I guess I'm looking for input on how to think about a Life Timeline in a constructive non-panicky way. And I'm also looking for any input from older people on what they do regret about (or are glad about) that they did or didn't do in their mid and late 20s, in terms of how they set themselves up for later decades. So, I'm looking for advice on what actually is important, as well as advice on how to relax about the things that will come with time.
Life Timeline: Wish I hadn't worried about mine so much. I started doing that sort of projecting when I was 21, and it just got more depressing to look at my progress throughout my 20s. When big changes did happen eventually, they sure happened fast though. That was neat to experience. :-)
What I regret about my mid and late 20s: Not taking care of myself better. I tried too hard to stay in positions where I thought I should be and didn't take enough time to do fun things. I spent too much time planning out what to say to people to make them think I would be successful soon. I didn't ask people for help when I needed it most, and pushed myself too hard to sort out my own problems. And that was really, really stupid. I also dialed out of social circles instead of finding different social circles that made me happier. So my 20s seem really lonely and depressed to me, looking back now.
How to relax: I would really suggest visiting a life coach if you can find one that is a personality match for you. They are typically fun people to talk to and can help you figure out where you are right now and what an appropriate set of "next steps" is, or just things to keep in mind like "do X, Y, and Z without judging myself," or "start attending activity X to break out of my shell a bit and do fun things" and so on.
Really though, having someone to talk to about these things is crucial. Be sure to open up and let others know how you feel. Good luck and I know you'll do awesome.
posted by circular at 9:19 PM on August 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
I dunno, I spent most of my twenties bouncing around--in fact, my 1 year anniversary in my current home was a few months back and it's the longest I've been in one place in 5 years--and while I regret not staying longer in each place just because I enjoyed living in each of them, I don't regret seeing cities and experiencing different lifestyles save for an ill-advised detour into Alabama.
Likewise, I bounced around a bunch of jobs and regret a lot of them not sticking (I got laid off from all of them) but at the same time, it taught me a lot. What I wanted to do, what I would tolerate, what I wouldn't tolerate, and so on.
Can't help with the timeline thing. 20 year old me was going to major in psychology and become a therapist or go to law school if it didn't work out. Currently 32 year old me did none of those things and "work retail and drop out of college twice then work 3 years at a startup doing all kinds of things then bounce around the world changing jobs and moving every 6-12 months before winding up a freelance marketing/PR consultant and writer" wasn't exactly the standard career trajectory. Me? Work a corporate job. "Heh. HEH. I'm not selling out to THE MAN!" says punk/communist 20 year old Ghostride The Whip, who was probably going to be an international law panda or whatever it is idealistic/delusional young folk went to law school for in those days.
I feel like if you force yourself to stick to a timeline, you'll inevitably wind up settling and making compromises because it's looming over you. I mean, when I was working at that startup, my family offered me and the then-girlfriend money for a down payment on a house. And EVERYONE was buying houses. The pressure was intense. It was pre-crash, so "Real estate will never, ever go down" was the common wisdom. It would've been the Sane, Sensible, Real Grownup step to take and Everyone Was Doing It.
And we didn't.
Which meant when I was truly loathing my job and the city we lived in to the point of near-alcoholism to cope with it, I could look for jobs in cities I might like. It meant when a European company called out of the blue to talk to me about a job, I could do it. When they offered me a job in another country, I could take it. And I did. And while that didn't go so great, I got some great experience that lead to experiences Stateside in great cities with great people. And all of those built up to where I am today. And I will occasionally comment to the now-wife, "Just imagine if we'd bought that stupid house. We'd be upside down, stuck in that awful town, working with people we loathe, making half what we make now, and unable to escape."
So timeline, not a fan. Goals, big fan. If you don't know exactly what you want to do, that's totally fine. But if you're not exploring and trying to find out, then you need to be. Because for all you're worried about flightiness, it's also possible to get locked into the work-home-internet-sleep-repeat cycle for 30-40+ years, then wake up to find that not only did you not have the awesome globe-trotting bohemian 20-something lifestyle because you were busy looking at cat pictures, you also didn't get to have the Real Adult Grownup Lifestyle because you were busy looking at cat pictures.
Always be hustling and exploring.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:35 PM on August 30, 2012 [11 favorites]
Likewise, I bounced around a bunch of jobs and regret a lot of them not sticking (I got laid off from all of them) but at the same time, it taught me a lot. What I wanted to do, what I would tolerate, what I wouldn't tolerate, and so on.
Can't help with the timeline thing. 20 year old me was going to major in psychology and become a therapist or go to law school if it didn't work out. Currently 32 year old me did none of those things and "work retail and drop out of college twice then work 3 years at a startup doing all kinds of things then bounce around the world changing jobs and moving every 6-12 months before winding up a freelance marketing/PR consultant and writer" wasn't exactly the standard career trajectory. Me? Work a corporate job. "Heh. HEH. I'm not selling out to THE MAN!" says punk/communist 20 year old Ghostride The Whip, who was probably going to be an international law panda or whatever it is idealistic/delusional young folk went to law school for in those days.
I feel like if you force yourself to stick to a timeline, you'll inevitably wind up settling and making compromises because it's looming over you. I mean, when I was working at that startup, my family offered me and the then-girlfriend money for a down payment on a house. And EVERYONE was buying houses. The pressure was intense. It was pre-crash, so "Real estate will never, ever go down" was the common wisdom. It would've been the Sane, Sensible, Real Grownup step to take and Everyone Was Doing It.
And we didn't.
Which meant when I was truly loathing my job and the city we lived in to the point of near-alcoholism to cope with it, I could look for jobs in cities I might like. It meant when a European company called out of the blue to talk to me about a job, I could do it. When they offered me a job in another country, I could take it. And I did. And while that didn't go so great, I got some great experience that lead to experiences Stateside in great cities with great people. And all of those built up to where I am today. And I will occasionally comment to the now-wife, "Just imagine if we'd bought that stupid house. We'd be upside down, stuck in that awful town, working with people we loathe, making half what we make now, and unable to escape."
So timeline, not a fan. Goals, big fan. If you don't know exactly what you want to do, that's totally fine. But if you're not exploring and trying to find out, then you need to be. Because for all you're worried about flightiness, it's also possible to get locked into the work-home-internet-sleep-repeat cycle for 30-40+ years, then wake up to find that not only did you not have the awesome globe-trotting bohemian 20-something lifestyle because you were busy looking at cat pictures, you also didn't get to have the Real Adult Grownup Lifestyle because you were busy looking at cat pictures.
Always be hustling and exploring.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:35 PM on August 30, 2012 [11 favorites]
Agree 100% with all the above advice about exploring now and not trying to make headway on goals it seems like other people think are important (marriage, homeownership, kids) just because hey, everyone else is doing it. The pressure to have all these things signed, sealed, and delivered (especially babies) will only increase as you get closer to 30. Be prepared to fight back against this pressure if you choose a life outside this script, especially if you are a lady.
The only other advice I have is that you should save as much money as you possibly can. I don't mean putting it into a retirement account, although that's a good idea too. I mean old-fashioned, cold-hearted, scrooge-penny-pinching saving, where some percentage of your paycheck goes immediately into a savings account every pay period and Tiny Tim be damned. If you do this for a few years, you will have so much more freedom. You will be able to leave jobs that make you unhappy without freaking out, you will be able to travel, you will be able to handle minor emergencies like they aren't even a thing. This was the single best thing my younger self did for my present-day self, and it has helped me a lot.
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 9:57 PM on August 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
The only other advice I have is that you should save as much money as you possibly can. I don't mean putting it into a retirement account, although that's a good idea too. I mean old-fashioned, cold-hearted, scrooge-penny-pinching saving, where some percentage of your paycheck goes immediately into a savings account every pay period and Tiny Tim be damned. If you do this for a few years, you will have so much more freedom. You will be able to leave jobs that make you unhappy without freaking out, you will be able to travel, you will be able to handle minor emergencies like they aren't even a thing. This was the single best thing my younger self did for my present-day self, and it has helped me a lot.
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 9:57 PM on August 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
At 40, I wished I had sat down at 25 and done this:
1: started managing my finances on a budget, to help me restrict my spending as my income grew;
2: started focusing on finding the place I'd like to eventually settle down in -- even if it meant moving to a few different places over several years, or at least traveling to and spending a lot of time in different places;
3: made a vow to keep myself debt free and maintain a bank of six months' solvency (based on the budget) so that I was always free to live for six months without a job;
4: started taking every raise or bonus or other windfall that put me over budget at the beginning of the month and dropping it into a savings account, so that I could self-finance things like cars and computers rather than going into debt.
Basically, set yourself up so that money isn't an issue, and so that you don't look back 15 years later and think "geez, why didn't I do this stuff 15 years ago, it seems so obvious now!" Plus, taking this approach means you won't be caught in that endless "I'm making more so I should spend more" trap. The 40-year-olds in the room likely know what I'm talking about; imagine if you made the money you're making today, but had the debt load and expenses that you had when you were 25!
posted by davejay at 10:16 PM on August 30, 2012 [7 favorites]
1: started managing my finances on a budget, to help me restrict my spending as my income grew;
2: started focusing on finding the place I'd like to eventually settle down in -- even if it meant moving to a few different places over several years, or at least traveling to and spending a lot of time in different places;
3: made a vow to keep myself debt free and maintain a bank of six months' solvency (based on the budget) so that I was always free to live for six months without a job;
4: started taking every raise or bonus or other windfall that put me over budget at the beginning of the month and dropping it into a savings account, so that I could self-finance things like cars and computers rather than going into debt.
Basically, set yourself up so that money isn't an issue, and so that you don't look back 15 years later and think "geez, why didn't I do this stuff 15 years ago, it seems so obvious now!" Plus, taking this approach means you won't be caught in that endless "I'm making more so I should spend more" trap. The 40-year-olds in the room likely know what I'm talking about; imagine if you made the money you're making today, but had the debt load and expenses that you had when you were 25!
posted by davejay at 10:16 PM on August 30, 2012 [7 favorites]
I traveled and had adventures in love during my twenties and I don't regret a thing. I am grateful though, that I graduated college and began working in my field a bit towards the end of the twenties, because we all have to work, and doing something you love contributes hugely to one's life. Then I tried all the "endings" in my thirties. The house, the husband, the family. Stultification ensued. Now, at 46, I'm going back to exploration, but the stability of a profession has carried me through. I say, get out there and live in your twenties. If you want to try the picket fence, do it in your thirties. At least you'll have the memories to brighten any fog routine and responsibility bring.
posted by Jandoe at 11:40 PM on August 30, 2012
posted by Jandoe at 11:40 PM on August 30, 2012
I've made some sort of timeline in my head where by the time I'm 30
No plan survives first contact. That is, you can create as many timelines, as many plans, as many goals as you want - but when decision time comes, and you have to make choices - there will be events, factors, or changes-of-heart that you didn't forsee. Better to come up with an end-state, and make decisions based on what it takes to achieve that end state.
that I'll get left behind or something.
Left behind to what? Life isn't a race, your friends aren't making a trip to Disney and if you don't get your shit together you'll be stuck at home for a week. Don't measure your life to theirs - measure your life to you.
if I met my dream guy I would probably always wish I'd had other serious relationships before him
I have never, never understood this line of thinking. Never. Can't help.
What worked for me: developing skills. I'm working in this job because four years ago I took a test (basically, to prove to myself that I wasn't as dumb as people told me) and got a certification that I thought would be a nice little trinket, but nothing important.
That certification is why I have the career I now have after I crashed-and-burned the previous one. Skill sets, classes, certifications.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 4:24 AM on August 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
No plan survives first contact. That is, you can create as many timelines, as many plans, as many goals as you want - but when decision time comes, and you have to make choices - there will be events, factors, or changes-of-heart that you didn't forsee. Better to come up with an end-state, and make decisions based on what it takes to achieve that end state.
that I'll get left behind or something.
Left behind to what? Life isn't a race, your friends aren't making a trip to Disney and if you don't get your shit together you'll be stuck at home for a week. Don't measure your life to theirs - measure your life to you.
if I met my dream guy I would probably always wish I'd had other serious relationships before him
I have never, never understood this line of thinking. Never. Can't help.
What worked for me: developing skills. I'm working in this job because four years ago I took a test (basically, to prove to myself that I wasn't as dumb as people told me) and got a certification that I thought would be a nice little trinket, but nothing important.
That certification is why I have the career I now have after I crashed-and-burned the previous one. Skill sets, classes, certifications.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 4:24 AM on August 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
I am 26 and none of my friends around my age have children and only a handful are married. No one owns real estate (except, as of extremely recently, me) and just about everyone is still in school or working at a job that is not their dream career. These are mostly city people (I'm in NYC though I went to college elsewhere). Do you live in a small town still? I think in large cities people tend to settle down later. Here, we all think it's kinda unusual if you've got everything figured out.
It's great that you're doing a job you like that is related to your career! And it's great that you've traveled so much. I've lived my whole life in the same place and sometimes feel I'm not truly adult because I haven't seen enough of the world. I think these things are completely adult.
And if you feel like you don't want to settle down right now, romantically or geographically, listen to yourself; I bet you've got good reasons why. There is plenty of time for that, really.
posted by mlle valentine at 8:07 AM on August 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
It's great that you're doing a job you like that is related to your career! And it's great that you've traveled so much. I've lived my whole life in the same place and sometimes feel I'm not truly adult because I haven't seen enough of the world. I think these things are completely adult.
And if you feel like you don't want to settle down right now, romantically or geographically, listen to yourself; I bet you've got good reasons why. There is plenty of time for that, really.
posted by mlle valentine at 8:07 AM on August 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
Hey there, I'm 31. I got married at 22 to my high school sweetheart, I bought my first house at 22 and my second at 25. I had my first child at 25. I did not grow up in a community where people got married at 22, in fact most of my high school friends got married about 3 years ago (28ish) and we had a baby boom last year (30ish) and now, my 5-year "headstart" means exactly squat diddly. Also, FWIW I had a functioning nervous break down at 28 - I did the full on "what does it all mean" freak, and I HAVE what it's all supposed to be about.
Timelines will not make you happy. Getting married to a great person will make you happy for a little bit, then you will still be you. Having a kid will make you happy for a little bit, then you will still be you with substantially less freetime and freedom to explore your other interests. Rather then setting specific time based goals for yourself consider focusing on what matters to you.
Are you motivated by Exploring and learning new things? Competition (do you like to "win" at work), Helping people? Creating things? Focus on living an authentic life that is built around doing the things you enjoy and are good at (or enjoy and don't mind being average at). Work hard, do your best, be nice. The rest will come out in a wash.
I know at LOT of 40 somethings who are meeting the right person now, and living full and interesting lives. I know older people who lived on a timeline and did everything they were "supposed" to do and really don't have very much in their lives.
There's not one right way to do things, but living your life a certain way because it's the way you're "supposed to" is IMO doing "it" wrong.
posted by dadici at 12:12 PM on August 31, 2012 [3 favorites]
Timelines will not make you happy. Getting married to a great person will make you happy for a little bit, then you will still be you. Having a kid will make you happy for a little bit, then you will still be you with substantially less freetime and freedom to explore your other interests. Rather then setting specific time based goals for yourself consider focusing on what matters to you.
Are you motivated by Exploring and learning new things? Competition (do you like to "win" at work), Helping people? Creating things? Focus on living an authentic life that is built around doing the things you enjoy and are good at (or enjoy and don't mind being average at). Work hard, do your best, be nice. The rest will come out in a wash.
I know at LOT of 40 somethings who are meeting the right person now, and living full and interesting lives. I know older people who lived on a timeline and did everything they were "supposed" to do and really don't have very much in their lives.
There's not one right way to do things, but living your life a certain way because it's the way you're "supposed to" is IMO doing "it" wrong.
posted by dadici at 12:12 PM on August 31, 2012 [3 favorites]
Here is a link to a blog by a woman who asked and worked through a similar dilemma. Look through the older stuff to see the transitions. I found it nourishing.
posted by lake59 at 4:33 AM on September 4, 2012
posted by lake59 at 4:33 AM on September 4, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
However, whenever I feel particularly aimless and bothered about how my life is going, I go back to this commencement address. It gives me a sense of clarity -- hopefully it will help you too.
posted by rahulrg at 9:04 PM on August 30, 2012