How to prevent ex-wife from using my house for custody
August 27, 2012 2:02 PM   Subscribe

My ex-wife told me she's using my house to keep our kids after school on her custody days. Aside from the issue of whether it's OK for a 9 year old to be alone at home for up to 3 hours a day, she has BPD (or whatever it's now called) as well as a history of snooping and taking my things without asking. I don't want her in and around my house when I'm not there. How can I prevent this?

My (future) ex-wife and I agreed in a separation agreement that we'd each be responsible for one of our boys after-school expenses. I signed up son #2 for after-care at school, as we've done every year. Yesterday, the day before school is to start, my ex said she didn't sign son #1 up for after-care, and that he will be riding the bus to my house every day. She said on her days, she'll pick #2 up at aftercare, then #1 up from my house when she gets off work. This saves her several hundred dollars a month.

I told her this is not OK with me, and that I don't want her around my house without me being there. She is ignoring my request, and says the house is my son's too, so she can use my house to keep him on her custody days if she'd like.

I'm not sure where to turn for help, so if anyone can shed any light on the situation it would be greatly appreciated. I'm in Maryland, for what it's worth.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
I have no idea about the legality of anything, but if I was you I would sign up kid #1 for the after care that he's used to having, and worry about getting the money from your ex wife later. Your kids should have the same quality of care, regardless of who is paying for what. This is definitely something to talk to your lawyer about (You have a lawyer right? You need one!).
posted by fermezporte at 2:06 PM on August 27, 2012 [33 favorites]


Call your lawyer STAT. Your wife is completely in the wrong.

And in the future, NEVER set children up for unequal treatment the way you have in this separation agreement. Renegotiate so that in the divorce agreement, you agree to split costs.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:06 PM on August 27, 2012 [73 favorites]


Talk to your lawyer. This is definitely a thing that should be hammered out on paper.

I don't know anything about the legalities, but I agree with you that morally/ethically speaking, your house is not your son's house, especially when he's not in your custody. Custody means responsibility as well, and she doesn't get to slough that off onto you indirectly by making the boy occupy your house.
posted by Etrigan at 2:07 PM on August 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


Nine seems way too young to be left alone. Maybe look into what the local child endangerment laws say? That might give you some muscle in the negotiation (which should be done through your lawyer).
posted by chowflap at 2:07 PM on August 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Buy yourself peace of mind by paying for the 9-year-old's after-school care.
posted by erst at 2:08 PM on August 27, 2012 [6 favorites]


My (future) ex-wife and I agreed in a separation agreement that we'd each be responsible for one of our boys after-school expenses. I signed up son #2 for after-care at school, as we've done every year.


IANAL, but if the agreement says that each parent is responsible for 1 kid's afterschool expenses, then I say, she can keep the kid at your house, under the watchful eye of a babysitter she pays for. Or she can pay for afterschool care at the school. Either way, call the lawyer, and see her in front of the judge.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:09 PM on August 27, 2012


You need to call your lawyer. Full stop.
posted by 26.2 at 2:13 PM on August 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'd venture a guess that each parent gets a kid to write off on their taxes, thus Dad pays for one and mom pays for the other.

But this is when that situation backfires.

Dad, I'd decide what your primary issue is - and the smartest one would be that Herbert isn't old enough to be at home alone at either house until middle school (or whatever) and that your ex-wife needs to sign him up for aftercare. Don't make this an issue about access to your house to her or to anyone that may speak to her.

I don't know anything about custody agreements but speak to your lawyer. This might be considered endangering the child.
posted by k8t at 2:15 PM on August 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


Talk to your lawyer before changing the locks.
posted by griphus at 2:16 PM on August 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


Get with your lawyer, this is not okay.

Pay for son #1 to go to aftercare, work it all out with your soon to be ex-wife later.

Change the locks so that your ex-wife does not have access to the house while you are gone.

You may want to revisit custody if these are the kinds of poor-judgement decisions she's making.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:17 PM on August 27, 2012 [8 favorites]


This is definitely a call-your-lawyer thing. I was fine alone for a couple of hours after school starting when I was about 10, but I am not your kid. Call your lawyer.
posted by rtha at 2:20 PM on August 27, 2012


Change the locks.

Yikes, don't do this; it sounds like your 9-year-old will be arriving by bus tomorrow, unaccompanied. What will he do if he can't get into the house?
posted by palliser at 2:27 PM on August 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


Really, each kid getting different levels of treatment is not a precedent you want to set for the future. What happens later on? Does the kid that "you pay for" get to be on a soccer team or take music lessons and go on school trips, and the kid your ex pays for doesn't get to do any of those things cause your ex has less money? That's incredibly unfair to the child and is setting up a situation where the kids are jealous of each other and resentful of their parents. (Even in the current scenario, one kids gets to play with kids at after care, while the other kid gets to go home alone. Not sure which one your kids prefer, but either way its very unequal.) You need to change your agreement so that you're splitting expenses for both kids.

Custody doesn't just mean 'knowing where your kid is'. Custody means she's responsible for your kids well being on those days. By sending them to your house, she's shirking her responsiblities. (And who will be responsible if something bad happens at your house while he's home alone? If he calls you because there's been an accident or he's locked himself out or even if he can't get the TV to work, that means you defacto have custody that day, because you're the one who'll have to deal with it.)
posted by Kololo at 2:36 PM on August 27, 2012 [19 favorites]


It looks like in Maryland it is illegal for children under the age of 8 to be home alone. Gosh that seems young!

Call your lawyer. Immediately. Arrange for a babysitter to meet your son in the meantime? Or simply pay for the after-school care while you sort out the rest in court??

I'm all for changing your locks as long as there is an adult that will meet your son AND your lawyer says it is OK.

Sorry you are dealing with this.
posted by jbenben at 2:41 PM on August 27, 2012


What's best for your 9 year-old?

Do whatever that is, no matter if it's 'fair' to you and your ex-wife.

Never under any circumstances utter a single bad word about their mother. Complain to everyone else if you like, but never ever say anything to them.

Also, whoever suggested the "I pay for one kid, you pay for the other kid" thing should be fired. Even though you're getting divorced, you are still parenting together. Forget this at your children's peril.

Go back and read my first two sentences again. Tattoo them in reverse on your forehead.
posted by incessant at 2:49 PM on August 27, 2012 [11 favorites]


As the child of divorced parents - please, don't ever divide your children like this.

If you wish to divide expenses, then decide together how you will arrange things for both children, and then split the cost in half. Dividing your children is just setting them up for unequal experiences and HUGE resentments.

Thing is: if your wife isn't willing to cooperate about dividing expenses, you will either have to get a court order or just give up and pay for it yourself. It may be easier to do the latter - it might cost less and cause less hassle.
posted by jb at 2:57 PM on August 27, 2012 [7 favorites]


I've paid for my kids all along and taken the negotiations later. With lawyers if needed. Kids come first. And my ex has never, ever had keys to my apartment.
posted by mumimor at 3:33 PM on August 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'd venture a guess that each parent gets a kid to write off on their taxes, thus Dad pays for one and mom pays for the other.

This is a good point -- OP, if this is the case and you're sharing custody essentially 50/50, you can stipulate in your separation agreement/divorce decree that one of you gets to claim one child and the other gets to claim the other, or it can swap each year or whatever. I'll add to the chorus that making different arrangements for each child based on what one parent or the other wants to do (or is capable of doing) is a Bad Idea.
posted by Etrigan at 3:33 PM on August 27, 2012


In the beginning I was very lenient, but over time I realised this had the opposite effect of what I intended. In retrospect it was logical; my ex felt no responsibility for anything, but felt entitled to everything. I needed to make it clear how responsibility and entitlement were two sides of a coin.
posted by mumimor at 3:36 PM on August 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


First off, take care of the kid and remove them from the separation drama. Don't set them up to arrive at a locked house for example.

In your agreement, share expenses for both kids. Prior to the agreement, get this kid in afterschool stat.

And yes, when the kids are older, they may want to come to your house if it's convenient, but on off days they ask you first. It's not for your wife to schedule, as it is certainly not her place (in both senses of the word).
posted by zippy at 4:09 PM on August 27, 2012


This is a good point -- OP, if this is the case and you're sharing custody essentially 50/50, you can stipulate in your separation agreement/divorce decree that one of you gets to claim one child and the other gets to claim the other

In an agreement with two kids, one kid can be, on paper, 51% with one parent, while the other kid is 51% with the other parent.
posted by zippy at 4:12 PM on August 27, 2012


9 years old is below legal latchkey age in my zip code and maybe yours too.
posted by bukvich at 4:14 PM on August 27, 2012


Talk to your lawyer. Don't wait, this is the kind of thing that can make divorce proceedings get nasty later on.
posted by markblasco at 5:10 PM on August 27, 2012


Also, your wife agreeing to cover the other kid's care and then putting them in your house? That is, as you may have gathered, completely unreasonable.

However, if that's her idea of care you may want to work with a mediator to come up with a sensible care arrangement, or just take over this aspect and remove her, in practice if not on paper, from the need to have much to do with it, if resources permit.
posted by zippy at 5:18 PM on August 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Another vote for sign the other kid up for after-school care in the short term, take a partial day off to be home for him if necessary tomorrow if you can't get him in by then, and once your son's welfare is taken care of in this way, reach out to your lawyer to get this addressed stat. Don't delay on the lawyer aspect, but don't delay on equalizing the kids' care, either.

Note that you might simply take the step of talking to her (post-lawyer if things are ugly) to say that, yes, legally there's still much to be resolved, but in practice a separation means "separate", and she shouldn't be entering your house without you around any more than you should be entering hers...but that the entering-while-not-home issue is nothing compared to the potential child endangerment of leaving your 9-year-old alone, and the potential emotional issues that will result from one child going to after-school care and the other being essentially abandoned for three hours, and so that needs to stop stat.

Otherwise you're going to have one child assuming -- no matter what you might tell him -- that he is the "bad" child that caused your divorce, because otherwise why would his parents pay for after-school care for one kid while leaving him abandoned and alone for three hours a day?

Good luck, and remember: even if it means financial inequality or her "winning" some intangible contest, the most important thing is making sure your kids are treated equally well and not made into some kind of pawn (or put in the position I described in the last paragraph.)
posted by davejay at 10:06 PM on August 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Like others have said, if the kid is lodging at your house without other supervision, he is your legal responsibility. If he were to have an emergency, it would be your responsibility to sort it out. I would tell your ex that her plan is absolutely will not work and you will be changing locks at your house to prevent her illegal entry. I think the best option for your kids is to pay for both kids to attend the aftercare program and pick some other cost saving measure that affects both kids equally.
posted by Foam Pants at 9:28 AM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


9 years old is too young to be left alone. In Wisconsin, CPS would be all over this. Your child needs a safe environment and being left alone is not it.
posted by sybarite09 at 5:30 AM on August 29, 2012


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