What is a reasonable expectation for couple time?

August 16, 2012 11:20 AM

What is a reasonable expectation for 'couple time' on a typical evening?

I'd like some perspectives on how people manage the balance between 'alone' time and 'couple' time. I feel like I want my partner to spend more time with me, but I am not sure if my expectations are reasonable or not. The details:

- We are both mid-30s, have been together a year and a half, living together six months (so we are still ironing out the kinks in the living arrangement)

- We both work; I am home between 5 and 6:15 depending on my afternoon schedule. He has a longer commute and is home between 6:30 and 7:30.

On a good evening, he'll spend ten minutes or so when he gets home saying hello, opening mail, checking internet etc. Then he'll go work out for an hour at the gym in his parents building. He's usually back by 7:30; sometimes, he will eat dinner with me (or we will go out) and sometimes he will want some 'alone time' and eat in front of the computer. After that, he will sometimes watch a movie with me and sometimes play video games (we have a few he will play with me as well). I have been able to get him into the habit of coming to bed with me most of the time; if he is not at all tired, he may stay up (if I ask, he'll come say goodnight to me before returning to whatever he was doing) but usually he'll come to bed and we'll read in bed together and cuddle.

What I find challenging though is the nights where he seems to spend ALL the time on him: home, then to the gym, then eats at the computer so he can check the baseball cards on ebay, then an hour or so on the video games because he needs the 'me' time, and by then it's 10 pm and he's barely said boo to me. And if I ask him to, he'll get snippy that he's been at work all day and needs some time for himself (okay, but it's 10 pm by then so what were the last four hours about?) I get that he needs to relax. I need to relax too though, and one of the ways that I do that is by reconnecting with him. Is it reasonable to ask him to not do the baseball cards EVERY night? To pick two of his hobbies but not all three? Or to shorten the duration so he is done at a certain time so we can schedule some time together?

I don't want to be that needy, demanding partner who codependently can't get along without him, but I do feel like sometimes I am not as compelling to him as the mantoys are, and I'm not sure what I can do to make him *want* to choose me instead, or even if that is a fair and worthwhile goal. I am okay with the occassional night where he just does his own thing because he needs the time, but when it gets to three or four days in a row like that, my insecurity monster kicks in and I wonder why I am not as 'relaxing' for him as the other stuff is. And I worry about getting him used to habits where he is so used to this 'me' time that if we have kids, all the work will be on me.

And---sorry for the length here, but two special snowflake details worth mentioning---on his part, he has a chronic medical condition for which he takes medication which makes him prone to fatigue. So I get that he does need a certain amount of relaxing/unwinding time. But at the same time, my issue is some residual 'child of divorce' stuff where feeling like I have to beg for attention is a bit of an anxiety trigger. I do feel like many days, I want more time with him than I get, but this issue makes me reluctant to trust my perceptions of whether or not that is valid and fair.

So, are my expectations unreasonable? Are his? What is this typically like for most people? This is my first relationship where I have lived with someone, so I don't have much to compare it to. I welcome with much appreaciation any feedback I can get on how to strike the right balance here.

posted by JoannaC to human relations (35 answers total)

This is negotiated. Everything is.

Husbunny and I dine and clean up together. Then he goes to the family room to do what he do, and I go to the bedroom to do what I do (loll around with the kitties watching appalling TV.)

We have some shows we watch together, usually we put them on the DVR until "Pride Time".

"Pride Time" starts at 10:00 PM. We get in the big bed, pet the kitties (all four of us are the "pride"), and watch whatever we planned on watching. We talk back to the TV, play with the cats, and hang out until one or the other of us gets sleepy.

It's nice having it as a routine. I know when I'm going to get my time with him, I know when MY alone time is ending, and we each get to faff around and do whatever makes us happy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:25 AM on August 16, 2012 [23 favorites]

I don't want to seem dismissive of your problem, but it absolutely does not matter what other people do. Everybody's partnership is a snowflake. And the more attention and weight you give to "what's usual, what's fair" the less attention you're giving to what is going on between The. Two. Of. You. I'm sure this post will be followed by people giving very sincere advice, and people sharing what they do. But this is what I know, from my own life and sharing the stories of other people: Talk to him. Think about what you want. Talk to him some more. Ask him what he wants. Talk some more. Find the ways that work for the two of you.

Good luck!

(and the fact that if you really followed my advice you would pay no attention to what I wrote makes my head hurt, so I'm ignoring it.)
posted by kestralwing at 11:28 AM on August 16, 2012 [15 favorites]

The only thing unreasonable is the expectation that there is some universal amount of "couple time" and "alone time" that everyone will agree is reasonable. You have to find something that works for you and your boyfriend.
posted by grouse at 11:31 AM on August 16, 2012 [6 favorites]

Did you guys (or did he) live alone for a while before you got together and moved in with one another? If so, it could be that he's just used to a certain routine of running through his thoughts and unwinding and expects you to accommodate that.

Talk to him about it the next time you guys have "couple" time--not when he's actively trying to be alone, and tell him how much it bothers you. Maybe he'll be willing to compromise.
posted by sundaydriver at 11:32 AM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

What I find challenging though is the nights where he seems to spend ALL the time on him:

That's a totally fine thing to do maybe... once or twice a week, IMHO. Go make your own plans to maximise your own "me" time - take a yoga class, have dinner with a friend or a group of friends weekly, find a late night bookstore.

FWIW it sounds like the rest of your time together is very together so I think you're fine.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:35 AM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

Yup. There's nothing "reasonable" in relationships.

If I had it my way, we wouldn't even speak two or three days out of the week! Except when I suddenly want attention. Then if he's on the Internet reading about ancient pottery, doing his thing, I get fussy.

(Another secret of living together: the things people do alone at home are horrifying from the outside. YOU BET I want to watch three straight seasons of this terrible TV show, pal! You would never have known if you just hadn't moved in with me....)

So, yeah. You just transitioned into living together. You've both been living on your own, doing your own things. That's a radical change.

Enjoy it! But I think one of the secrets is to have a full life of your own. Do the things you want to do; invite him along when you want. (I didn't hear anything in this about "seeing people" or "going out with friends" which struck me as notable.) And then, if you want more time, make structured plans. Invite him, in advance, to do things with you, whether it's baking or bill-paying or sex.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:35 AM on August 16, 2012 [8 favorites]

Do you have regular dates where you get out of the house, away from the internet, in a place where you talk or do something together, exclusively, for some good chunk of time? Try scheduling those rather than framing it as a problem with the specific things he does to unwind.
posted by slow graffiti at 11:36 AM on August 16, 2012 [5 favorites]

I'm a pretty introverted introvert. I no longer work away from home, so it's not so big an issue now, but your boyfriend's activities sort of remind me of how I was when I worked in an office. Being around people all day, and having to interact with them, it was exhausting. I rarely had energy for other people, including my ex-husband, when I got home from work. It was really tough, and I didn't really understand that I was an introvert, I thought I was an antisocial freak and that I didn't like spending time with my husband.

Maybe he's just set in his ways, not used to integrated another person into his routine, and needs practice. If he's an introvert, it may take some creativity for everyone to have their needs met.
posted by upatree at 11:40 AM on August 16, 2012 [6 favorites]

I started riding a bicycle a few years ago, and if I had my choice, I'd ride more. That riding more would come primarily at the expense of time with my wife. At times, I have ridden a lot and not seen my wife hardly at all for days at a time.

She complained about it at one point, and we talked it out, and I pretty much said that although I really like to ride, *she* is my Number One priority. So generally, before I go out for a ride, I ask her first. It is really just a courtesy most of the time and she says to go riding and have a good time. Once in a while, though, she'll say that she'd prefer me to stay home and we spend the evening together.

Because the vast majority of the time she doesn't object to my riding, the occasional time that she does, I respect that and do my best to forget that I even considered riding.

Before we talked it out, there was clearly a tension between us, almost as if the bicycle was my "mistress". She would sometimes be frustrated because the bike took me away from her when she wanted us to have some together time, and I almost always felt guilty for riding the bike. Now it's all out on the table. She doesn't mind that I ride, as long as she knows that ultimately, she's my Number One priority.

We celebrated our 28th anniversary last Sunday, for what it's worth.
posted by Doohickie at 11:41 AM on August 16, 2012 [21 favorites]

1. And I worry about getting him used to habits where he is so used to this 'me' time that if we have kids, all the work will be on me.

Uh, I would absolutely worry about that too. Maybe that isn't fair, but that is what I was thinking as I read your question. If he isn't able/willing to devote what you feel to be enough time to you and your relationship now, I doubt he'll change if kids enter the picture.



2. I am okay with the occassional night where he just does his own thing because he needs the time, but when it gets to three or four days in a row like that, my insecurity monster kicks in and I wonder why I am not as 'relaxing' for him as the other stuff is.

The 3 or 4 nights in a row, in my relationship, would be very unreasonable. But that is my relationship, not yours, and what is normal or acceptable to me may not be for you.


_________________

I have lived with my partner for a while now and we have a very different scenario in place. Every morning when the alarm goes off we take two hits of the snooze to just snuggle and say good morning to each other. We go to work and I go to the gym directly after work and try to get home at a reasonable time so that we can have dinner together. It is VERY rare for us not to eat together. If one of us is especially tired or has something that needs doing, the other does the dishes. If not, it is whoever DIDN"T make supper's responsiblity to do the dishes. After that we finish up any chores that need doing, and then it is "our" time. Sometimes we just sit outside and chat. Sometimes we spend the whole evening having a sex marathon. Sometimes we just go to bed and cuddle quietly for an hour or so until we decide to go to sleep (or have sex, which is a common outcome of cuddling). We avoid doing eletronic things like watching tv or playing video games because they aren't very interractive. Bonus points - We always go to bed together, at the same time, so that before we sleep we cuddle and talk about our day.

So you can see, I have a ridiculous amount of "couple" time, only because we both like it and value it. If one of us says "I need some alone time" we give it without question, but that is hella rare and only lasts an hour or so before they come back.




Personally I don't think you're being unreasonable, I would be very dissatisfied with that situation as well. However, maybe he isn't being unreasonable either. Before you moved in together would you have a occasionally go a day or two without seeing each other in person? If you did, maybe his need for "alone time" was being satisfied during those days, but now that you live together he doesn't get them.

As RuthlessBunny said, this is something to be negotiated. You and your partner need to sit down and talk about it. Talk about what HE needs in order to be happy, talk about what YOU need in order to be happy, and then you both work together to come up with a scenario that satisfies both. Maybe it is that he promise give you an hour of focused "couple" time an evening, and you promise to give him an hour to himself without disturbance. The rest of the evening can be spent however you two wish. Or maybe he gets one night a week to just be quiet and alone and have his alone time.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:41 AM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Mantoys? Oh, that's not nice.

Anyway, you need to read caring for your introvert.

My husband and I are both different degrees of introverted--he far more than me--and what you describe was pretty much our first year living together, before we both worked at home (which has helped enormously for both of us, since we're not constantly stuck in a cycle of draining socializing/recharging). Having a routine helps us--honestly, for us, usually built around cuddling in front of certain TV shows at the same time every week, so that we know we'll have dedicated time together. So did getting laptops, so we can sit next to each other in our mutual cones of silence staring at the screen.

But when it comes down to it, it sounds like you've just got a classic introvert on your hands, and from experience I can tell you that it's going to take a year, maybe two, until he sees your presence as just part of the background noise and not as another draining, demanding person sapping his precious life force away. Do your best not to take it too personally.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:51 AM on August 16, 2012 [9 favorites]

I'm like you, I like lots of couple time (or did, pre-kids... now I'm happy to have time to myself) and was frustrated that he was always staring at his laptop instead of interacting with me. This went on for a long time, with me sometimes nagging him about putting down his laptop but nothing really ever changing. Finally, what worked for us was a few things. First, I set concrete expectations with him so that we'd both agree in advance that we'd spend every Tuesday and Thursday night a week focused on each other with no laptops, or that we'd take a walk together every night, or no matter what have a device-free dinner, whatever worked for both of us. (We revised this once in a while.) Second, I made more of an effort to do things on my own, go out with friends, make phone calls, or get involved in projects during non-couple free time. That stuff takes more energy than snuggling on the couch, but what can you do. (Aside from maybe get a dog.)

If it helps, things changed (because they had to) once we had kids. He's involved with the kids, because just try sitting there with your laptop when a 2-year old is trying to climb into your lap and bang on the keyboard, and after they go to bed we're both so exhausted that laptop time sounds like a good idea to me too. We also value our couple time a lot more now, so if either one of us requests couple time, the other one is usually happy to go along with it.
posted by chickenmagazine at 12:02 PM on August 16, 2012

If you can, try to have an actual conversation about your ideal, his ideal, your limits/dealbreakers, and his limits/dealbreakers when it comes to spending time together and apart. Do this when there aren't any other stressors for either of you, and everything is calm and conducive to a productive conversation.

Try to be very honest, try not to take anything personal, and see if you can make everyone equally happy. Or equally, bearably unhappy if it comes to that.

I think the two possible killers are not addressing it on the one hand, or having one person do all the modification/sacrificing on the other.

I read a comment once about there being three parties that need to be considered in every negotiation: you, him, and the relationship. I think that was a profound insight, and it's worth keeping in mind as you deal with this.
posted by jsturgill at 12:05 PM on August 16, 2012

"It depends!"

Neither one of you is being unreasonable, but you need to communicate about what a good balance is for both of you. My husband and I are both big time"alone time"people, but moving in together actually helped our relationship because we were able to have a house with a room for each of us. Before then, I was always at his place and I think he felt that he had to entertain me.

Our weekday schedules are like this:

Morning - A hug, a kiss. Sometimes I make "hey baby" jokes at him when he's naked in the shower.
7:30pm - I get home, go to work in my studio.
8:00pm - He gets home, sometimes he comes by the studio to say hi, otherwise he just pages me on the intercom(crappy plastic thing) to say he's home.
9:00pm - Dinner, usually together. Maybe an episode of parks and rec.
9:30pm - We go back to doing our own thing.
11:30pm - I remind him that it's almost bedtime and we go to bed.

We usually try to do something together on weekends, though, even if it's just cleaning the house!

That said, even though we don't spend that much time together on weekdays, when one of us travels for business, the other definitely feels lonely. I really like knowing that someone is available in the house, even if I don't want to avail myself of their...availability.
posted by sawdustbear at 12:13 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

My inner oppressed introvert wants to say something snarky like "why don't you get your own hobbies and leave him the heck alone", but I realize that that's counterproductive.

It might help if you tried to show an interest in his "mantoys" instead of disdaining upon them -- but then again, if he's doing that stuff as part of his decompressing routine, I think it would be reasonable for him to not necessarily want to include you.

Do you work out at all? Maybe you could try going to the gym with him every so often?

I agree with the advice you're being given about negotiating something that is reasonable for the two of you. Maybe if you have a standing date-night once/twice a week, that will allow him to mentally/logistically prepare for not having hobby time on those particular nights?
posted by sparklemotion at 12:14 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yeah- it's all about communicating and balance. You want what you want- but you have to be able to present a workable solution to start the talks with. "I want more couple time" is a demand, but "let's make day X and day Y our nights to eat dinner together" is a starting point.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:23 PM on August 16, 2012

upatree said exactly what I was thinking. After a long terrible day at the office, I just want some SPACE, and sometimes that space involves not being near my husband whom I love very much, because that's how I recharge. If he's an introvert and doesn't know it, he might not even recognize that that's why he wants to do "his thing" on certain nights. If you push him on it, he's going to get grumpy.

On the other hand, he's an adult, and you're expressing your relationship needs, and both of you need to be able to compromise on this. Maybe he can commit to dinner with you instead of at the computer. Maybe you can settle for some more communication and appreciation ("Hey hun, this chicken was AWESOME! I'll be at the computer if you need anything, love you!" *smooch*). Maybe you'd both be happy if he had a laptop or tablet so that he could lounge with you on the couch and check the baseball cards while you watch a show. The thing is, you'll never figure this out if the two of you don't sit down and define what's really important for each of you in the relationship.
posted by specialagentwebb at 12:24 PM on August 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

I would like to add that my husband and I both live together and both work from home, yet I am someone who does need alone time. I get the most out of the total silence in the hours before my husband wakes up. Sometimes in the afternoon I go upstairs, close the door and read. He is going away for 10 days at the end of the month, and I am delighted.

None of that means I don't love him, huge amounts. My enjoying time by myself doesn't have anything at all to do with how much I like or dislike anyone but myself.

One thing I would say is about having kids. Right now, you can grant him all of this space. When you have kids, that option doesn't exist and he'll just have to agree that their needs and the needs of the family take precedence over either of your individual needs, at least for the very young years. He may find the attention demands of his own offspring to be different than the demands of other people. Regardless, tther introverts live. He'll live.

As a rule of thumb, don't breed with anyone not on board with that plan.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:28 PM on August 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

I had a boyfriend where after several months, I kind of felt like he'd said to himself, "Girlfriend? Check." And then went about his [own] life.

And I am an introvert.
posted by thebazilist at 12:43 PM on August 16, 2012 [8 favorites]

Obviously, no one can give you any standard amount or schedule.

What I do think is reasonable:

- Having the freedom and space to bring up, discuss, and negotiate (both of) your desires.

- Having the flexibility to ask for change when things aren't working for you, or to change when things aren't working for him, or to both change when environmental/external factors mean things aren't working for anyone.

- Developing a language to help make shorthand requests or observations in a fashion that is productive, as opposed to confrontational.

- Remembering that, if this is going to be a long-term thing, sometimes it's okay to suck up a shitty day or week for, you know, all the years to come, and it's okay for him to do the same (but it's not okay to silently suffer for months under a framework that is just not working for you, especially if it can be altered or worked on).

How you define and develop this framework is, of course, up to the two of you.
posted by vivid postcard at 1:00 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have heard/read that it takes between 18 and 20 hours per week to establish and maintain an intimate relationship. That averages out to between two and three hours daily, assuming you distribute it evenly. I am not aware of any rules regarding how it "should" be distributed. That figure fits with my experience and with other things I have read.
posted by Michele in California at 1:08 PM on August 16, 2012

Not that it matters (to each their own, etc etc):

7:00 hit snooze, snuggle for a while
7:30-8:30 get ready for work and leave the house
5 he gets home
6 I get home
6-8 we open mail, do some chores, cook & eat together
8-10 we watch tv or read together
10-11 read in bed together
11 bedtime for both of us

Some nights he will golf and I'll go to yoga and we get home around 7 or 8. I'd say at least once a week one of us will stay out later with a friend or family too-but we are both usually on the same page and try to schedule this same day.

I don't know if you buy the Love Languages nonsense- but I kind of do. We are both quality time, which makes it easy. Sounds like you are quality time and he's something else. The only option is to talk it out in a chill, non blaming way.
posted by murfed13 at 1:29 PM on August 16, 2012

I should add that my partner is really into video games too. With rose colored glasses, I see it as quality time. I cuddle next to him on the couch and watch (if it's a game I can get into). Otherwise I read next to him. Sometimes you can have alone time while feeling like you are still close.
posted by murfed13 at 1:36 PM on August 16, 2012

Our schedule is a little odd since my wife works mornings and I work from home, so we have all afternoon in the house together.

After I finish my work, I go to the gym for a couple hours, then come home, shower, eat, and settle in for the evening. We don't really have any set couple activities since we both kind of do our own thing, but usually she'll watch a show or movie or something while I'll half-watch and work on some projects on my laptop. Or I'll throw a baseball game on and she'll noodle around on her computer. Then she goes to bed early for work and I have 2-4+ hours of "me time."

And then on weekends, I usually go to the gym Saturday morning and take Sunday off, so we have pretty much a solid day and a half of hanging out and doing stuff. Sometimes, she works Saturday mornings so I'll do the shopping and run the errands when I get back from the gym, then we'll go to a movie or just hang out in the house being lazy and doing our own thing when she gets off.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:38 PM on August 16, 2012

It sounds like you're having a very tough time and feel disconnected from your partner. A few things stuck out that might help in understanding what is going on.

What I find challenging though is the nights where he seems to spend ALL the time on him: home, then to the gym, then eats at the computer so he can check the baseball cards on ebay, then an hour or so on the video games because he needs the 'me' time, and by then it's 10 pm and he's barely said boo to me. And if I ask him to, he'll get snippy that he's been at work all day and needs some time for himself (okay, but it's 10 pm by then so what were the last four hours about?)

You mention his chronic medical condition relating to fatigue; when he goes to the gym is this along the lines of physical therapy, cardio, body maintenance to help deal with this condition? Also how crowded is the gym? All of this sounds like it could be stressful, not relaxing.

And is he selling baseball cards on eBay? That is, is he doing this to bring in additional money so you as a couple have more money and can buy more video games, pay for the gym membership, go out together? There could certainly be an entertainment value to this for him but that may not be all that is going on and you are dismissing it as selfish play time when it sounds like it could have real value.

Playing video games alone does sound like it could be actual play time, actual fully relaxing time but you also mention that sometimes this is shared couple time, and you play games together. Who suggests playing together? How often does he insist on playing alone? Does he just start up games he knows you are not interested in or does he see if you're in the mood to play first?

If you can start seeing his "hobbies" as useful, helpful activities (or in the case of the video games, an opportunity to hang out casually) you may not resent them so much and you may feel better about his choices. (You didn't mention him going to work each day, presumably because as you see that as important).

Please feel free to read all of these questions as rhetorical. I am not trying to judge you and you certainly do not need to justify anything to me. Hopefully consideration of some of these items is useful.


...and by then it's 10 pm and he's barely said boo to me.... I get that he needs to relax. I need to relax too though, and one of the ways that I do that is by reconnecting with him.

Even with seeing the above in a new light it is possible he could easily give you more of what you want without taking away from what he is doing. Would a text here and there, a short conversation in between activities help you feel better? He may not want to say anything for fear that it will turn into a long conversation and mean he doesn't make it to the gym, etc. If you are able to make him feel like you respect his needs and that you try to not take away his time then he may in turn feel more comfortable opening up and communicating some, feeling confident that you won't push.

This may well not be enough for you, and that's OK. As others have said, this is something you negotiate as a couple. Every couple negotiates such things but not always with words, with both partners on the same page.

Good luck!
posted by mountmccabe at 2:19 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I had a very introverted boyfriend for a year and a half. After a while, we managed to achieve "alone time, together" - I would curl up in a beanbag chair near his computer, and read quietly while he gamed/surfed/etc. I saved anything I wanted to talk about for later, and if I couldn't sit fairly still, I'd leave. It satisfied my need to be near him, and he grew to enjoy my company and feel more comfortable around me overall because he trusted me to respect his needs. The other side of the coin was that we had agreed-upon times and limits for these things, if I needed it - preplanning that at X o'clock we're having dinner or whatever, at which point we'd have time to discuss our days and other things, perhaps things I'd thought of during alone-time. I also ended up cultivating and maintaining a lot more friendships and activities during that relationship, so I could do my thing and be GONE for a while so he could have true alone-time, and I could get my socializing needs met by others. He also knew that when I get back, I'd want us-time.
posted by lizbunny at 2:30 PM on August 16, 2012

As others have said, this needs to be negotiated. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to have one night a week where he is doing his own thing. Would you have the same issue if he was out with friends instead of simply being in the next room?

That said, lizbunny's "alone time, together" is a pretty reasonable solution that seems to work for a lot of the couples that I know. It's also what tends to work for my wife and I. While I will sometimes retreat to the office to play video games or surf the web, we tend to sit together on the couch even if we're not really interacting with one another. Sitting beside her while I read a book and she surf Pinterest, or while I watch TV and she wears headphones and watches YouTube videos of kittens falling over allows us to feel like we're spending time together and not neglecting one another even when we're having our "me time."

Obviously, this isn't always the case. But that's what works for us. Something like this might work for you guys. Your boyfriend gets to have his occasional full evening of solo time without making you feel like he's shutting you out.
posted by asnider at 2:50 PM on August 16, 2012

Maybe he is an introvert. Maybe he's a neglectful asshole who doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Possibly, he is both.

Being an introvert doesn't give someone a free pass to be "snippy" when a partner reaches out in an attempt to connect. Being an introvert doesn't mean that he is exempt from needing to compromise in good faith if there is a real, constitutional difference in the amount of personal space/alone time that each partner prefers.

I think you're well within your rights to be hurt and take it personally, actually. Your bf may well need more space than you, but it sounds like he's being a dick about it when you bring up your concerns.

I am hardly a member of the DTMFA crowd, but if you feel like you can't get him to engage about this issue without building a business case based on objective data... Doesn't sound very good to me.

Here's hoping he can muster a loving and cooperative response when you raise the issue in a low pressure situation. If not, ugh.
posted by Sublimity at 2:52 PM on August 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

Being an introvert doesn't give someone a free pass to be "snippy" when a partner reaches out in an attempt to connect. Being an introvert doesn't mean that he is exempt from needing to compromise in good faith if there is a real, constitutional difference in the amount of personal space/alone time that each partner prefers.

I think you're well within your rights to be hurt and take it personally, actually. Your bf may well need more space than you, but it sounds like he's being a dick about it when you bring up your concerns.

I am hardly a member of the DTMFA crowd, but if you feel like you can't get him to engage about this issue without building a business case based on objective data... Doesn't sound very good to me.


This. In addition to what I said above...this. If he acts like a huge dick when you try to bring up ideas of how you can both be pleased, such as the possibility that lizbunny and I have mentioned, well, that's not good. Sure, a negotiation involves two people, but negotiations within romantic/partner relationships shouldn't be hostile.
posted by asnider at 2:56 PM on August 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

You need to discuss what "together time" is.

For instance, Mr. 26.2 is completely unsatisfied if I'm watching a movie with him and simultaneously playing on the computer or sewing or something. He needs to feel like I'm focused on what we're doing together. To me, it's more like, "Hey we're sitting together on the same couch - how far does this togetherness thing need to go?

To compromise, I make sure I turn off my computer for a bit each evening. It's just not that big of a problem. Even though it doesn't mean togetherness to me; it does to him. Partnership is compromise - sometimes just to make your partner happy.

However, I couldn't have figured that out until he told me that my playing solitaire on the computer made him feel like I wasn't paying attention.

You need to make it clear that his being home doesn't equal togetherness to you.
posted by 26.2 at 3:03 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure this is purely introversion. I'm a pretty hardcore introvert and I was in a (far too long) relationship very, very similar to this. It just about killed my spirit to know that he was so very uninterested in spending any time together.

I can't offer any solutions because I tried just about everything to get him to spend time together, including leaving him alone completely, talking it out extensively, and compromising on the quality of time, without any success at all. In my case (not necessarily in yours) it was a symptom of an unhealthy relationship rather than a simple problem to solve.

But anyway, I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all, and his aren't either. You do need to have both sides willing to talk it out to find a compromise that works for both people, and then actually do it. If he's unwilling to compromise at all and/or not following through on what he agreed to, that would be a big red flag for me.
posted by randomnity at 7:42 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm currently negotiating this ground myself; I am an introvert and, when I get home, I am exhausted from being around people all day. Mrs. Machine doesn't work, so she has (totally legitimate) expectations that I will pursue Couple Time with her.

A serious problem, though, is that if I don't get time to "play by myself," so to speak, working on my hobbies, I get very depressed. It's hard to explain this to her, of course, since saying "if I spend time with you I will get depressed" is terrible.
posted by sonic meat machine at 4:44 AM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

Defining needs can be a bit a a vulnerability mind fuck, so it might be best to give yourself a little bit of a safety buffer.

To be avoided: I feel like you like your mantoys better than me.

Encouraged: My needs are not being met, so I'm going to give you the keys to the kingdom of domestic bliss by telling you exactly how this can be mitigated: I want [xyz] of your time on [x] frequency. I am willing to negotiate. Bribes and sexual favors allowed.
posted by skrozidile at 10:01 AM on August 17, 2012

I agree that he's barely meeting the social obligations of living with someone, even a roommate.

However, I think there's a fairly high chance that he's unused to Never Being Alone. Apart from his commute, it sounds like he's always with other people, and he's never at home alone. He's not used to having someone with him All The Time, and it's probably wigging him out. May I recommend getting out of the house a regular basis. Take an evening class. Take up jogging. Go visit your mum. Don't hang around the house hoping that he'll look at you. I think (completely projecting here), that he's pulling back because he doesn't think he'll ever be able to give you as much time as you want.

Also, ask him to do things that have a defined end. Personally, I would try to negotiate eating dinner together (and cleaning up) every night.
posted by kjs4 at 4:05 AM on August 18, 2012

I personally see the way he is spending his time as being just fine. I wouldn't necessarily want more time from my partner. Sounds like he really needs his alone time. It also sounds like he has a lot on his plate. But that's just me. Who is not you.

That being said, it's all about balance. Your needs. His needs. Meet in the middle. One idea would be to have the time he spends with you be special. As in two nights at home fully focused on you, and one night on a 100%, fully attentive, date out with you. That way you both have the freedom on those other nights to do as you please.

(or some other configuration, but you get the idea.)

Finally, remember, you will never get ALL your needs met from a single person. It's an impossibility. (It's also not a nice thing to ask of someone.)
posted by Vaike at 8:18 AM on August 19, 2012