My neighbour cries a lot, and I'm worried

August 14, 2012 4:07 AM

My neighbour is clearly in distress - what do I do?

I live in a mid-terrace house and if the neighbours on either side are particularly loud (even speaking loudly), it's not difficult to hear them. This doesn't generally bother me - I understand the disadvantages of living so close to other families, and despite working from home (ie. I can hear the day- and night-time activities), hey, that's life. There have been times in the past where I could hear fights taking place on one side, and have no problem phoning the police and reporting these things, so that sort of situation is not what I'm worried about, really.

I regularly hear one of my neighbours crying/sobbing, and he's obviously in distress. He's in his early 20s and lives there with his mum. Over the past 5 or 6 months, the frequency of this has gone up, as has the instances of them shouting at each other. If I can hear fighting, I know that calling the police is the best course of action. But dude is clearly experiencing some problems if he's sitting in his room and crying 3 times a week, and I really don't know what to do about that (or if there even is anything to be done). We do not have a relationship with them, apart from acknowledging each other if there's an encounter outside, and he has been rude to us in the past. Even if that weren't the case, I would be totally disinclined to approach him in person over the fact that I can hear him sobbing.

There is obviously tension in their household. Based on what floats through the walls, I don't think he is being abused - their fights seem to have a lot to do with him not finding a job and her worrying about him when he's not at home - but I really don't know. Is the best approach to simply phone the police if I hear them fighting with each other and try to ignore anything else I hear? It is distressing to be privy to it, but if I need to butt out, I will.

posted by catch as catch can to human relations (22 answers total)

You need to butt out.
posted by cincinnatus c at 4:10 AM on August 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

Smile and be friendly whenever you see him, because if he's sobbing in his room that often, he's probably not very happy.

Anything else is absolutely none of your business.
posted by xingcat at 4:12 AM on August 14, 2012 [11 favorites]

Kind thought, but no. It'd just add humiliation into the mix. He's crying privately.
posted by likeso at 4:25 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I agree with the comments above. He'd probably be absolutely mortified to know that someone is listening (even unintentionally) to his breakdowns, and may refuse whatever help/guidance you can offer.

Be friendly to him if you see him, maybe invest in some headphones or earplugs if it bothers you, but there's really nothing else you can do without potentially making the situation much, much worse.
posted by fight or flight at 4:32 AM on August 14, 2012

Jeez, really? Am I the only person who thinks it is definitely your business if you know someone is unhappy and want to help?

OP, I'm not saying bust in there next time you hear the poor guy crying, but what I would do (and have done in fact, for elderly neighbours I wanted to check were ok) is bake a huge pie or cake, and take half round to them, claiming you have too much and won't eat it.

This opens up conversation. Then you can say hi to him in the street when you see him. Then one day, you can invite him in for tea if you want to, and there are people aware of you doing this (safety etc etc, I hate that we are so scared of each other but sure there are crazy people out there). And then maybe he will open up to you and you, if you are up for it, can try to offer him advice.

I would DEFINITELY do this. You might not actually want to go that far. But I feel strongly that it is wrong to "butt out" by default. If you want to help, why not try to do it. Just go in gently, and be careful.
posted by greenish at 4:37 AM on August 14, 2012 [46 favorites]

You know what? A few years back, I asked MeFi what I could do to help my neighbor who had an eating disorder. And a large and ever-so-helpful contingent here assured me that I didn't know what I was talking about and to butt out.

Instead of listening to them, I did something more along the lines of what greenish suggests (though without the cake) and tried to befriend her the best I could. Well, she was (is) eating disordered (and pretty severely), and even though there obviously wasn't anything I could to to help that specific situation, I felt better knowing that I offered her a safe place right upstairs if she needed anything.

So if I were you, try to befriend this guy. Don't make it too obvious, but laying on the neighborly gestures (have some pie! I brought in your paper! Want to come over for tea?) just as greenish suggests would be (I think) a wonderful suggestion.

For what it's worth, I spent a significant amount of time unemployed a while back, and--yeah--it's really tough to deal with. A big part of it is that I was afraid to see people I knew because I would have to answer the what are you up to kind of questions and, yet again, not have any answer for them. If you could be the one new person in his life who DIDN'T ask him things like that, and instead got to know him, that could go a long, long way.
posted by phunniemee at 4:49 AM on August 14, 2012 [16 favorites]

He's crying in his room; common walls notwithstanding, he has an expectation of privacy. If he lives with someone with whom he has a drama-filled or dysfunctional relationship, then his bedroom might be the only place where he feels safe enough to let his guard down and cry. Please don't invade that sanctuary by letting on that you can hear him through the walls.
posted by headnsouth at 4:52 AM on August 14, 2012 [8 favorites]

The fact that you're feeling sympathy for this chap obviously shows that you're somewhat interested in him as a person. This can prompt you towards starting up a friendship with him, if you have stuff in common, but if you don't and you're just feeling sorry for him but don't really want to take it further then you should probably butt out. Just be nice when you see him, in either circumstance.
posted by h00py at 4:53 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Based on your statement " I don't think he is being abused", I agree with those that say this is none of your business.

And I disagree with the concept of attempting to build a relationship for the sole reason of getting involved in this persons emotional/mental health issues, that is intrusive and disrespectful of his right to privacy.

If you want to preface any attempt to befriend him with an honest statement to him of something along the lines of "Hey, buddy, I'm concerned about what I hear coming through my walls and I would like to get to know you a bit in an attempt to provide a resource for you and improve your mental health.", then go for it. (but, we all know how odd that sounds when you come right out and say it, don't we?).
posted by HuronBob at 4:54 AM on August 14, 2012

(Also, no mention of his tears should be brought up in either circumstance.)
posted by h00py at 4:55 AM on August 14, 2012

I don't mean to threadsit, but I just wanted to clarify and reiterate that I do not want to talk to him about what I'm hearing - I agree with everyone else who has said that has too much potential to be weird/humiliating/intrusive/etc. I also am not in any way equipped to be someone's sounding board for said problems, so I'm almost as disinclined to try and be his buddy to help him through this (as I hinted at, his interactions with us have been somewhat unfriendly in the past, so suddenly turning up at his house with a cake would read as completely strange, I think). I guess I was just wondering (in an unformed way) if there is some sort of mechanism (analogous to fight=phoning the police) that I can employ to address the situation.
posted by catch as catch can at 5:02 AM on August 14, 2012

Unless you're handing out jobs - and willing to give one to your neighbor - then his employment situation is not a solvable problem, at least from your end. Bringing it up is likely to only depress him more.

Also, can you imagine how embarrassing that would be from a male perspective? To not only be unemployed and fighting with your mom all the time, but to also have the nice girl next door (who doesn't even know you) view you with so much pity that she tries to comfort you? His ego's already taken a beating: don't add to that.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 5:05 AM on August 14, 2012

Thanks for making that clear, catch as catch can. My comment above is no longer relevant.

That said, if the activities next door are violating noise ordinances and disturbing you, call the police. If the activities sound like someone is getting hurt, call the police.
posted by HuronBob at 5:08 AM on August 14, 2012

I cry sometimes at home and quite loudly, but it doesn't mean anything untoward is happening.

I hope that if I were in distress my neighbours would knock on the door and/or call the cops, but that would be if I were yelling "help help" or something or knocking the SOS signal on the walls. I once heard what sounded like my neighbor falling downstairs and called an ambulance, for indeed that's what had happened.

Just try to be on polite nodding terms with him and call the cops if he breaks noise ordinances or you hear something that sounds illegal or dangerous. And, indeed, if you hear of a job vacancy that could suit him, you could ask if he's still looking for work because X. That's really all you can do here.
posted by tel3path at 5:18 AM on August 14, 2012

Fellow terrace-liver and I sympathise. I don't think you can do much without being a trusted friend. Jobs are hard to come by but sometimes people make it more difficult than it otherwise is. If there's any way you can find out whether a lack of training or opportunity is a problem you could maybe help by spending a little time looking for solutions to them. But to be honest you would probably needs to be closer than just a neighbour that they don't know before that's plausible.
posted by cromagnon at 5:20 AM on August 14, 2012

I guess I was just wondering (in an unformed way) if there is some sort of mechanism (analogous to fight=phoning the police) that I can employ to address the situation.

No, there aren't any government agencies you can call to report someone for being sad. Fighting? Yes. Hurting himself or others? Yes. Crying alone in his room? No.

This type of thing falls solidly into the people-helping-people category. Not all problems can be solved by shipping them out. If the crying is truly worrying you, about the only thing you can do is reach out a hand. If you don't want to do this (and it's OK if you don't), then there's not much else left than to get a pair of noise-blocking headphones.
posted by phunniemee at 5:45 AM on August 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

About 20 years ago I lived alone and would sometimes have sobbing sessions in my apartment because I was working through some stuff and being able to cry was part of it. At one point my neighbor (a woman my age that I didn't know at all) talked to me in passing and asked me some really inappropriate questions about the cause of my damage. At the time I felt really awkward and just wanted to get away, but now I think she was really rude. Leave the guy to work out his stuff in peace; don't make any assumptions.
posted by matildaben at 7:18 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

> He's crying in his room; common walls notwithstanding, he has an expectation of privacy. If he lives with someone with whom he has a drama-filled or dysfunctional relationship, then his bedroom might be the only place where he feels safe enough to let his guard down and cry. Please don't invade that sanctuary by letting on that you can hear him through the walls.

Agreed about not breaching his privacy. I've gone through a couple of rough times where I did a lot of serious sobbing alone. I can only imagine what my neighbors thought, but I'm grateful that no-one ever said anything.
posted by desuetude at 7:46 AM on August 14, 2012

It is YOUR business. I think it is time we learnt that we live in a community and the concept of butting out is creating havoc in our society. We own our community and need to speak up when we see something wrong.

You can befriend the guy, maybe informal chats. You can be friendly to them, encourage him in some non intrusive way. You can share your experiences with him.

What would you do if this was a friend you knew? Same thing applies but with a little more boundaries, that's it.
posted by pakora1 at 9:48 AM on August 14, 2012

It's incredibly kind of you to be concerned about your neighbour. But, at this point, I don't think it's necessary to get the police involved.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT let him know that you heard him crying in his room. I would feel so uncomfortable if someone said that they heard me sobbing in my room. That's the one truly safe space, sanctuary-like place for me.

As someone with depression I can't tell you how much I would appreciate if someone tried to befriend me despite my depression.

Many people steer away from others when they are going through rough times or very depressed, and I get that, believe me, I do. But, a lot of people that are sad or very depressed need some sort of social contact that's positive. I'm lucky to have a couple of friends in my life, but not everyone does.

Slowly get to know this neighbour. Have random chats with him when you see each other and figure out if he wants to talk or not. If he does seem to enjoy talking to you, then great! However, if he doesn't then give him his space and don't take it personally.

Don't befriend this person stricty because they are upset or seem depressed. Befriend this person because you want to get to know him, support him, and help him. This will all take time, but positive interactions can drastically improve someone's day and if it's long term, then positive relationships can improve someone's life.
posted by livinglearning at 10:06 AM on August 14, 2012

Instead of being friendly, let me suggest being extremely polite and respectful. Also, forgive whatever rudeness went down previously. Really and truly let it go. It likely was not about you per se. If and only if your respectful behavior draws him out, you can attempt to help in a practical way with the root problem which seems to be a job hunt.

Also figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself emotionally. And maybe add some soundproofing -- curtains, a tapestry, bookshelves, something.
posted by Michele in California at 10:15 AM on August 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think it's good advice to reflect on how his sadness and all the anger in the household next door affects you. In order to be able to help, you need to make sure you are in good shape first.
Since you say it would be odd to simply march over with a cake and the guy wasn't particularly open to conversations until now, I would suggest using his mailbox.
He's in his early 20s - info about teaching ESL abroad, some training opportunities for young unemployed folks in your city, some job offer from the inet/newspaper, a cool magazine article or something along those lines - just stick a post-it with his name on it and put it in his mailbox. Sometimes little things like that can give a bit of hope or spark an interest/new idea. It might change his outlook on his future and it is always nice to know that there is someone who cares - even if you decide not to disclose that it is coming from you.
posted by travelwithcats at 11:31 AM on August 14, 2012