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Should we have another child? Two is enough for me.
August 13, 2012 7:27 PM   Subscribe

I have two kids. My wife wants another. I don't. How do we decide? I have two boys. Ages 6 and 2 1/2. My wife is saying we should have another child because she wants a girl.

Some context: We have been married seven years. She is from Ethiopia. I live in Canada. My reasons for not having another child are:

1) It is time we enjoy our marriage as our two kids grow and become independent.

2) We are secure financially - now. But who knows what can happen tomorrow.

3) I want her start becoming more integrated into Canadian society. With two boys so far, she has been a stay at home mom. She doesn't have time for herself especially since she homeschools our children. She hasn't even had time to learn how to drive.

4) She is shy. She needs to take courses to educate herself. She needs to get out. She needs time to herself - if I havent yet mentioned that!

I have made up my mind, but emotionally, I just want to know will I regret not having another child? Or will having another child just give me more yearning to have yet another one?

For those of you with only two kids, are there any regrets not having more children?
posted by alshain to Society & Culture (34 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Simply wanting to have more children because she wants one of the other sex? Sorry, bad idea --- and I say that as the third of four daughters (no sons) of a man who was himself one of five sons (no daughters).
posted by easily confused at 7:31 PM on August 13, 2012 [11 favorites]


1. Most people naturally come to value the life that they have. Most people with two kids think "this is the perfect family for me, thank goodness we stopped at two." Most people with three think "this is the perfect family for me, I'm so glad we had one more."

2. If you do decide to go ahead, you had better have an iron-clad agreement about what happens when it's another boy.
posted by escabeche at 7:31 PM on August 13, 2012 [9 favorites]


How much do you suppose part of her reason for wanting another kid is that she's intimidated or nervous at the prospect of getting out and becoming more integrated in Canadian society, and young kids provide a reason to not do that?

More generally, I think it would be good to make sure you've communicated well about both of your reasons for wanting kids - and have done so in enough depth to bring to the front any currently not-articulated reasons there might be. Not saying there are such reasons, but it might go a bit beyond just wanting a girl.
posted by forza at 7:40 PM on August 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


1) You can enjoy your marriage after #3 grows and becomes more independent. Even better, work on enjoying your marriage regardless of the age of your children. As a parent of 4 children under 4, I know how hard it is. But your marriage is something that you should always work on, not something that should be put off.
2) IMO, not a compelling reason to stop having children. You can always spend your time worrying about what might happen, but it won't do you any good, because you can't predict the future. If you are going to use the excuse that things could go bad at any time, then it could have been argued that you should never have had children in the first place. (Sorry if that sounds judgmental or harsh, I don't mean to be.)
3) and 4) are things YOU want for her, at least based on the way you phrased it. But the more important thing is what SHE wants for herself, you, and your family. Sounds like she wants to try for another child. You must listen to her.

In general, I'm of the outlook that I only regret the things I didn't do; not the things I did do. I'm willing to bet there are very few loving, caring parents out there who ever regretting having another child. There are probably plenty more loving, caring parents out there who regret not having more children.

I definitely agree with escabeche, though, that you need to have a master plan if #3 ends up a boy!
posted by puritycontrol at 7:41 PM on August 13, 2012 [11 favorites]


Your question contains alot of "I want her to do this and that and be this and do that" and not alot of information about what she wants. You have made up your mind and perhaps she has made up hers as well. Barring the surprises life holds (friends of mine wanted one more and got twins instead!), this is one of those moments where one of you has to cave in to the demands of the other. That can foster some serious resentment down the road, possibly years after baby comes along (or doesn't) so when it's a Big Ticket life decision I would head to a professional for a little help.

To answer the second part of your question, we have two children, ages 12 and 11 now. I don't regret NOT having a third, because we planned for two. This was something we worked out in mandatory premarital counseling. When asked how many we wanted, my husband said 3 children and I said 1. We worked out a healthy compromise before we walked down the aisle and the one time my husband waffled and wondered if we should have a third, I reminded him that I was enjoying the fact that we're finished the infant/toddler years. A lot. He concurred.
posted by pink candy floss at 7:49 PM on August 13, 2012 [11 favorites]


As other posters have pointed out, there is no guarantee that the next child will be a girl. Why does she want a girl? Sometimes parents want a child of a particular gender because they want a very gender-typical kid for company, to play sports with, to dress up, etc. What if your wife has a girl and she's not what her mom expects her to be? That's not healthy for either parent or child.

I know moms of boys who are thrilled to be moms of boys. Boys can be just as much loving company to their moms as girls. I would suggest that your wife talk to other moms of all-boy families - there are so many mom boards online discussing every topic under the sun.

This, I think, is the most compelling reason to really think about having another child. Children grow up and become more independent, budgets stretch, but there's no guarantee you're going to have a girl on the third try. You may or may not decide to have a third child and that is something you both have to do together - no one makes a unilateral decision. But gender of baby is a roll of the dice. You may have another son and then what?

Now as far as integrating into Canadian society, shyness, etc. - if I were you, I would absolutely avoid taking on any kind of parental role or pushing her "for her own good." You want to be a support and that's great, that's what spouses are for, but don't infantilize her. She is an autonomous adult and deserves to be treated like one. If she learns to drive or gets more education, that is something she needs to do for HER - not because YOU think it's "for her own good" and "I want the best for her." Of course spouses want the best for one another. But spouses, unlike parents, don't get to tell the other person what to do because they know best.


Is she in contact with any other immigrants, especially Ethiopian immigrants? Maybe a support group of other immigrant moms, especially ones of her nationality, might be just what she needs. Other women in her same boat (immigrants, homeschooling, etc.) would be a good support system for her and be able to understand what she is going through. One thing you might do for her is point her towards something like this.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:52 PM on August 13, 2012 [13 favorites]


I know someone who is in a somewhat similar situation -- she has a child (who she plans to homeschool in the fall, but I won't derail in that direction), and has talked about having another baby.

Far be it from me to tell anyone how many kids to have, but I get a strong sense that she is talking about another baby (and potentially homeschooling the one she already has) because she's lonely and afraid to branch out and create a life for herself.

I have no advice for what the next step is, there. How do you tell your spouse that you see through their desires and really know what's best for them, without coming off as a condescending prick?

Can you help her put it off for a while, say a year or so? Say that you might want another kid later, but for now you want to help her work on herself?

On the other hand, if you really never ever want any more children, period, that's a pretty strong feeling and much harder to reconcile, regardless of what anyone's reasoning is.
posted by Sara C. at 7:53 PM on August 13, 2012


i have many relatives with 5 or 6 kids - i've heard a lot of them says "we just want a boy/girl!". for some this was the actual reason, for some it was just an excuse. your wife might really want a third child and using the fact that she doesn't have a girl as a way to reason you into it.

the way you talk about your wife makes me sad. choosing her life for her won't actually make her more independent.

it has been my experience that in a traditional marriage (which it sounds like yours is) if the wife wants more kids and the husband doesn't, unless he gets snipped or stops having sex with her all together, another child will happen.
posted by nadawi at 7:57 PM on August 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


My wife is saying we should have another child because she wants a girl.

If it turns out to be a boy you can name him Dissapointment--or Dizzy for short.

I think the default in any relationship should be not to have a kid unless both of the partners are agreed.
posted by LarryC at 8:00 PM on August 13, 2012 [9 favorites]


In general, I'm of the outlook that I only regret the things I didn't do; not the things I did do. I'm willing to bet there are very few loving, caring parents out there who ever regretting having another child. There are probably plenty more loving, caring parents out there who regret not having more children.

This is a human being, not a 'thing you do'. I know a number of parents who've privately regretted having more children.

Children should be wanted by both parents, not wanted by one and grudgingly accepted by the other. If you don't want another child, you don't want another one.

Nadawi is right, though. If you don't want another one you need to get snipped or you'll have another one whether you want one or not.
posted by winna at 8:02 PM on August 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


Your reasons #1 and #2 are perfectly valid. If you don't want another child, those reasons alone would be enough to stand by your decision.

However, with reasons #3 and #4 you're talking about things you want her to do. If she doesn't want those same things, or doesn't feel capable of doing those things, they won't happen no matter how many children you have.

For what it's worth I've known families with one child, two children, or even eight children, and they all seemed happy with the number of kids they had. You could probably lead a very happy life with your two kids. But don't expect only having two kids to change anything with your wife.
posted by christinetheslp at 8:13 PM on August 13, 2012


I think this is a conversation you should be having with a therapist and your wife, rather than with the internet. Make sure the therapist is really good with cross-cultural stuff. Bear in mind that if your wife is at all traditional, it is quite likely that her mental image of an ideal family includes quite a few more than "just two." Also: a child of your same sex is (among other things) a built-in friend/companion. She may be lonely on top of everything else - loneliness is not exactly solved by transforming yourself into a member of an entirely different culture.

For what it's worth I know several people who regret stopping with two. My mom is sad she only has three (four if you count my stepbrother.) She's been saying that since the youngest was about the age your younger son is now; we're up to 21 years later and she's still saying it, so.
posted by SMPA at 8:23 PM on August 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Let me put in a counterpoint to Rosie M. Banks. If she really is very shy and having trouble getting out there in the world, it might be OK to nudge "in her best interest". Not everyone is strong and independent. Some people need that person in their life looking out for them and helping them stay on track. Maybe she doesnt have parents or friends and the OP is her only connection to the rest of the world. I'm not saying this is true in your case, and I'm not saying its a healthy spouse relationship dynamic, but it is sometimes true.
posted by scose at 8:27 PM on August 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


It is one thing to dictate your wife's activities, quite another to want her to involve herself in her surrounding community enough to get a little independence. If something were to happen to you and she's so isolated she can't even drive it would be devastating for her and your boys in more ways than just the loss of you.

Have you brought up your concerns about her independence in those terms? Children do not have to be tethers to the home, but even gregarious and independent stay-at-home moms with young kids have trouble finding time to themselves and opportunities for adult socialization.
posted by schroedinger at 8:41 PM on August 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Regarding items #3 and #4. It is true I want those things for her. She has no other support other than me. She has no friends. Her family is back home. Little or no contact. All she has are her in laws and we all know how that works out. My parents are also very traditional. I do push her too much sometimes and she lets me know that I have crossed the line. But socialization has been a very weak point of hers all throughout her life. Her parents were very protective of her.

Like 'scose' pointed out, I want her to survive independently if I die tomorrow.

A few of the families we know from Ethiopia are having more kids here. May be that is playing into our/her conscious?

I have told her we are past the infant/toddler stage. Lets raise our two boys to our best ability. Each child is about 6-7 years of full time commitment. Another child - another 6-7 years. That means, putting things off. Vacations, Education, Independence, Married Life.
posted by alshain at 9:01 PM on August 13, 2012


That means, putting things off. Vacations, Education, Independence, Married Life.

As I said above, if you don't want any more kids, you don't, and that's that. But all of these things can be had, whether you have another baby or not.

I'm one of four (and later one of seven, after divorce and remarriage), and we went on family vacations when my younger siblings were babies and toddlers. We didn't go on HUGE trips (cross-country drives, Europe, etc) until my youngest brother was around four, but are you likely to do that kind of travel in the next few years anyway?

Childcare exists, so if either of you wants to further your education, you can probably work it out. If we're mostly talking about her, keep in mind that pregnancy lasts nine months. There's no reason she couldn't start a degree and then take time off to care for a new baby, if a new baby were to arise.

As for independence, honestly, I think you assume too much about what it will be like to have children in the 7-18 age range. Yes, by the time you're six or seven you can wipe your own ass and tie your own shoes. But, no, neither of you is going to be fully independent of your children for another sixteen years at least. You guys gave up a solid two decades of independence when you had the first kid, so kid #3 is not the time to start getting worried about that.

And married life? You're having that, right now, whether you have a third child or not.
posted by Sara C. at 9:17 PM on August 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


I only have one child, but married life doesn't stop with kids. Vacations don't. Education doesn't. Independence is a goddamn myth.

When you have an image in your head of how your family will be it can be a heartbreaker if it doesn't work out. My mother still gets upset talking about the fourth child she was never able to have (many miscarriages and early menopause rather than marital disagreement) and I am never more nervous about my marriage than when I contemplate that I am done with children, and my partner really would love more.

It's a hard road to walk. It is. Another child is a huge undertaking, but you don't have to put your life on hold for a child. We don't do things the same way, but that will be the case forever more. Simple as that.

I'm the one who needs to get pushed to socialise and I'm also the one who up until a week ago was the breadwinner and I'm also the one who doesn't want more children. They are not causative factors. They might weigh in, sure, but since she's homeschool two kids already a baby isn't exactly going to curtail things that much. She's already tied to home for the next 10/15 years. Another child adds maybe 2 or 3 years to that, as a rough guide. Not 7.

Telling her how it is, that you're done, that she needs to do X, is not helping her gain independence or skills. And you would be surprised how well she would probably function without you there - it might not be in your manner, but it wouldn't be a catastrophe.

And things aren't matching up - if the families you know from Ethiopia have more kids, how does that factor in to no friends, no other support? Or is it that she isn't doing things your way, with your friends and your approved social networks?
posted by geek anachronism at 9:26 PM on August 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


Is she willing to do traditional "girl things" from her culture with the boys?
posted by brujita at 9:31 PM on August 13, 2012


We have three. I regret not having a fourth, although I would have been happy with two. I think an even number of kids makes the most sense from family social dynamic. With even numbers, they can pair off. With an odd number like 3, there is a tendency for one to be left out and that is not good.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:33 PM on August 13, 2012


If you don't want another child, you don't want another child.

You should make sure you have good life insurance and critical illness insurance, no matter what route you choose.

Can you talk to your wife about her getting her driver's license this year and starting on the path to learning a trade? With the idea that she can still be a stay at home mom -- yet she'd be able to support herself or the kids if anything happened. Maybe even something like hairstyling - since you all need haircuts a lot, being boys/men.

Does *she* feel like she needs to get out? Read Care and Feeding of Your Introvert. It's okay to be shy - unless it's affecting her ability to parent and look after herself. But be careful about being controlling. I'm getting a bit of that in your post, although it may simply be the nature of the Internet. She needs to have autonomy in how she chooses to live.

As for having another kid...that's really something you need to work out between you. Maybe you can look at trade-offs, such as a postpartum doula, babysitters and more organized activities for the kids, along with some of my suggestions above. Or maybe it really just doesn't work for you to have another child - and it's okay for you to tell her that.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:38 PM on August 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


(Oh, and does your wife know something about sex selection? Because she should read the odds on having 2 boys and then a girl. If you want another baby, you haven't got control over the sex. Maybe you could help her find ways to do "girl" things with the boys? My son loves wearing princess dresses and having tea parties, when he isn't playing Star Wars or smashing things.)
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:39 PM on August 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's nice that you think she needs time to herself and to "take courses to educate herself", but I'll tell you point-blank that if my spouse were saying any of the things that you're saying, that'd be a sign for me that it was time to DTMFA. You don't get to decide what she needs, and I find it really worrying that you feel that those things are "context" for this question.

Similarly, if you're not enjoying "married life", then you're having the wrong discussion--you shouldn't be discussing having more kids, you should be discussing getting a divorce.

This question reads to me like you resent your wife and children, and like you feel that they're holding you back from whatever it is that you want to be doing with your life. What I'm hearing about your wife here is this: she can't do anything for herself, she can't drive, she's uneducated, she's not outgoing enough for your tastes. Reading this leaves me honest to god confused about why you married her in the first place, let alone had kids with her.

You need to sit down and talk to your wife. About having kids, yes, but also about what you both want out of your marriage and your adult lives. Because reading this, it doesn't sound like your priorities align, and if that's the case, you need to find out sooner rather than later.
posted by MeghanC at 10:30 PM on August 13, 2012 [9 favorites]


Guys (and alshain, forgive me if I'm wrong), it may be the concerns he's trying to convey about introversion and lack of independence go way beyond cutesy-poo "So You're Dating an Introvert!" relationship articles aimed towards Western audiences. The subtext I'm reading is she's in the territory of "Culture clash leading to withdrawal from the society she's immigrated into and clinging to her culture's more traditional views about the role of wife and mother in the household."

Again, alshain, correct me if I assume too much, but was she maybe taught the role of a woman as mother and wife was someone who should be staying home with the kids and mostly dependent on her husband? And she may not have developed the kind of social skills (like job-seeking in a Western society) that geek anachronism has that enables him/her to be the breadwinner.

And perhaps where she grew up socialization and outside support in times of trouble came primarily in the form of a wide net of extended family and friends within a relatively close-knit community? So a woman whose husband became incapacitated could rely on this network to help support her and her children rather than be forced to suddenly start working a 9-5 and manage the household and find daycare and everything else.

If this is the type of society where she grew up then integration into a much more individualist Western society is pretty rough. If people want friends and a support system they are expected to go out and find them for themselves. If you don't do this, you're left alone. They aren't built into your community for you by virtue of familial relations or neighbhors who actively seek to welcome you. Along these lines women are also expected to figure out how to get the resources to support their family if their partner isn't able.

If these things are the case, then alshain's desires for integration aren't "I want to go to parties and she doesn't!" stuff but represent the fear that she may end up profoundly isolated from the world outside her home to the detriment of herself and her family. When you enter a new culture and you aren't living in a "Little [Insert Country of Birth Here]" you kind of have to start learning the customs and mores of your new culture and getting out in the community as soon as possible. Because you really do not want to have to do that in the middle of a crisis when you're trying to navigate your new society for avenues of support.

(and for the third time, I could be totally off about all of this)
posted by schroedinger at 10:51 PM on August 13, 2012 [12 favorites]


Completely personal anecdata, but...after my 3rd child I had my tubes tied and immediately regretted it. There was just this feeling inside me that my family just wasn't "complete" yet. It felt exactly like those women who hit their early 30s and have baby cravings. Even though having a 4th child made NO SENSE, especially in the context of my life situation at that time, I still had that twinge at every baby shower, birth announcement and birthday party. I chalked it up to immaturity and selfishness.

12 years later, I was in a different marriage and that longing hadn't gone away. My husband was ok either way-he loves my older 3 children like his own and didn't have that particular drive to have his own bio child. Because I just had this constant nagging feeling that I wasn't done, we decided to try one cycle of IVF and now we have a son who will be 10 in a couple months. After my youngest son was born, I was content. I felt like my family was complete.

In talking with other mothers in playgroups and PTA and places like that-I hear this sentiment a lot. That it seems almost like women have some sort of setpoint of children that they mentally/emotionally want to have and if they go over/under that number, they won't be satisfied and feel like their family is complete.

Also, it's actually remarkable how many people I know who have 4 children that go B,B,G,B including myself. I know at least 3 other families who have that exact same gender pattern.

So, maybe I"m way off base, but is is possible she doesn't necessarily want a girl, but she just doesn't feel she's done having children until she has 3?
posted by hollygoheavy at 12:09 AM on August 14, 2012 [5 favorites]


I agree with some of the posters above that your criticism of your wife seems over the line - it almost reads to me as if you've gotten the message that intercultural marriages don't work or that Ethiopians don't assimilate, and you are now seeing your wife through that sort of lens. Is this really about another kid, or is it more about changes you were hoping your wife would make after you married her, that you are thinking another child will put off?

It's fine to mention to her that you'd be less worried about emergencies if she learned to drive, and to push that point for practical reasons. It's much less fine for you to tell her that she needs more education or to change her personality or preferences. I'd also think hard about how your talk of suddenly not being around sounds to her: some of the wording sounds a bit like a veiled threat to leave her, especially mixed with your other highly critical comments about her personally and life. She may be hearing it that way.

It strikes me that you are a homeschooling family: if your wife is in contact with other homeschooling families, she's probably seen families with five or more children in which the parents are thriving (HS-ers on average have more kids than other families, even when religion is taken into account). She may not think that another kid will keep you from having a good marriage or a good life together, and you might need to discuss your specific concerns about this in more detail with her. If she's involved in the local homeschooling community, that also might strike her as more than enough social time for herself and additional education, since parents in these groups often have strong connections, and spend a lot of time sharing tips. Finally, have you made it clear to her that you are not thinking of sending your two sons to school when they get older? It may be that she thinks she needs another young child to justify continuing to homeschool, if that's something she feels is working for your family.
posted by Wylla at 1:15 AM on August 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm sure there are good reasons for some people to have a third child but wanting a girl isn't one of them. Is her plan to keep having children until a girl happens? You need to talk to her about this. There are far more reasons not to have this child than to have it.

Regret is kind of a red herring. You might regret not having more children, in an abstract sort of way; you also might regret having another child (if you do). I know which of those two I think is worse.
posted by Polychrome at 2:25 AM on August 14, 2012


schroedinger may have an extremely valid point to make. I've just spent a lot of time in East Africa understanding household customs (though not in Ethiopia directly) and children are welcomed and wanted and women seek to have them (often feeling that the bigger the family the greater the value of family life etc)

The rest of the challenges sound a lot like what schroedinger is trying to articulate (having myself been a South Asian arranged marriage bride off to the US within a week of the ceremony without the extended family and social networks - my response was the reverse, no children because I couldn't imagine trying to do it alone without the support networks)
posted by infini at 3:59 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


My grandparents had a third child hoping for a girl. My dad, their third, is not a girl.

Then my grandmother decided that she wasn't taking any more chances and they adopted. (And my aunt is the child they are closest to).
posted by jb at 7:25 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


People who are telling you you can have the same life with a third child that you have now are delusional! Children take time and cost money.

The partner who doesn't want children gets to say they don't want children. I think that not having children is the default. Bringing a child into the world when one of its parents doesn't want to have it is a tragedy.

That said, you can't force her to change who she is; if she's the type to stay home and not socialize, she might always be that way, children or no. In that case, it seems like children and family are her purpose. Some people are like that. It might be worth it for her to look into other ways she can continue to care for children, like perhaps taking in a child for daycare or working in childcare.
posted by the young rope-rider at 7:38 AM on August 14, 2012


Also--be sensitive. She's spent many years of her life dedicated to your children and home. To suddenly be looking at the end of that time is very difficult for many women. If I told you today you were retiring, never to return to your chosen career again, you'd have a lot of mixed feelings and you might not be willing to give it up! That is where she is. It is a difficult transition and she might flounder for a while before she finds something that gives her a strong sense of purpose like childrearing has.
posted by the young rope-rider at 7:39 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


My parents had a similar question. I was 7, my sister was 5 and they thought they might want to have another kid. So they agreed to watch the neighbor's baby for a weekend so that the neighbors could get away.

On Saturday morning we kids woke up, I got the baby changed and in her high chair, cooked oatmeal for breakfast and then we went into the living room to watch cartoons. When my parents left the bedroom at around 10, they saw that the whole baby thing was being handled by the kids, they realized that maybe they were past the whole baby thing.
Borrow a baby for a week or so. Either you'll realize it's WAY too much work or you'll realize that one more baby would be awesome.

Or you'll continue to disagree. Have you thought about discussing this in counseling? A counselor can help you negotiate this very important issue.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:53 AM on August 14, 2012


I'm a little concerned that you seem to think your wife has no life, I would argue that raising two children and home schooling them is very much a life and a very busy life at that and one she seems happy with.

I would suggest a counselor of some sort to help you both work out the whole third child thing, it is a very big decision for BOTH of you, if she choose to give up her dream of a daughter it will be a hard thing for her to give up and you need to respect that, and that she is probably going to have to go through some sort of grieving over the idea. Just as she needs to respect that you are happy with your family the size it is. Which ever way this goes someone is going to feel resentful as this is not an easy situation to find a compromise in and a counselor of some sort can help you both deal with that resentment in none destructive ways.

Having said that if you want her to get more involved with other people then you need to too. The boys will need to go to group events, some sort of team sport or club as they will need to do this if only to learn social skills with their peers, I can't think of a home schooling group that doesn't recommend this. This would be a good way to encourage your wife, if you BOTH get involved and she would still be doing something with her children, an area that is obviously important to her.

Also start enjoying your marriage now instead of waiting for some magical perfect time, it's much more fun that way.
posted by wwax at 9:54 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


As someone who has basically had a child in diapers consistently for the past 11 years, I will say this: "I cannot WAIT for two years from now when I finally don't have to buy diapers and formula ever again. I cannot WAIT for the time when my kids all sleep through the night and don't require action from me in the early morning to get them up/changed/fed. And I'm nervous about the future when all of my kids are too big for kids menus and child discounts and I will be left with zero expendable income."

That said, having five kids is one of the best parts of my life. I do not regret a thing.
posted by tacodave at 2:56 PM on August 14, 2012


Please do not do anything that you are not okay with, especially in regards to having another child. It's so important that the two of you are 100% on board with the entire thing to make the experience worth having. IF you do decide to have another child, maybe talk to her about adopting as an option. It would be awful for you to have a third child to appease her want for a girl, and then just to be back in this situation in a few years talking about a FOURTH child.
posted by AbsolutelyHonest at 11:58 AM on August 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


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