Sometimes, I overshare. How do I get over it?

August 11, 2012 6:25 AM

I acted like an eyebrow/waxing session was a therapy session. I am a loyal customer of two years and I feel humiliated and don't know if I should go back to the spa after doing such an awkward thing. Advice?

I have been going to the same eyebrow/waxing artist for two years now and have probably gone at least once or twice every month. I always get my face waxed by the same individual (the owner of the spa) and really enjoy talking to her about various things that range from small talk topics to sharing various parts of my life with this person. Generally speaking, my conversations are light-hearted, but have noticed a particular pattern in our conversations where we start off with small talk which then leads to me disclosing information about my life with her.

I fear that I over disclosed and made this person uncomfortable. I would be SURPRISED if I didn't make this person feel uncomfortable and in turn, I feel very uncomfortable about this.

Somehow, we were talking about partying and I mentioned how people always say things that indicate their surprise or lack of belief that I party. I jokingly added "I would party, but I'm on anti-depressants" and she told me that I wasn't missing much and that it was smart not to be drinking while on anti-depressants. Then, I made some comment about how I didn't want to be the type of person that couldn't hold their alcohol, especially after my first year of college where I was the type of girl that stumbled to her door late at night. She also agreed that a lot of people are crazy at my age and do things that are pretty intense. The spa owner mentioned how she had a friend that was married to some man that was an alcoholic and how he confessed to his wife about various things that he had done. I responded that I respected that someone could acknowledge that they had a 'problem' because I had seen how alcohol could make a family dysfunctional like my family because of my dad's drinking problem and a mother that hit me. I also mentioned how I am not very close to my family anymore, especially one of my parents. In addition, I also talked about how I was always treated differently in school and bullied and what not. I didn't divulge a lot of information about these life experiences, but I did briefly mention them and I feel like this was such a terrible thing to do.

She provided good advice, shared her own experiences, didn't judge me outwardly at least, and didn't make me feel uncomfortable. We laughed so it wasn't all serious. I apologized for what happened because I didn't intend for the conversation to be like that and she said not to worry because a lot of people share information with her which tends to be crazy kind of information.

I don't know why I disclosed this information and feel ashamed about the whole experience. I tend to be aware of personal boundaries and that's why I feel so terrible about having this type of discussion with her. I am also in therapy so please don't mention therapy.

How do I get over this? Should I stop going to this eyebrow/waxing artist and spa because of the information that I have shared? I feel ashamed and anxious about this whole experience and I'm worried that I made her uncomfortable too. What makes people feel comfortable sharing life experiences with others that are employed in the client service industries like hair stylists, barbers, and eyebrow/waxing artists?

I am a regular, loyal customer and would like to keep going back because of the staff at this spa and the level of service provided, but I don't know if it's a wise decision to go back after what I said. Advice?

posted by anonymous to human relations (29 answers total)

She provided good advice, shared her own experiences, didn't judge me outwardly at least, and didn't make me feel uncomfortable. We laughed ....and she said not to worry.

You are projecting on her and making assumptions. She told you how she felt, believe her.
posted by saucysault at 6:29 AM on August 11, 2012 [39 favorites]

If you act like it's no big deal, it won't be.
posted by milarepa at 6:32 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you're worried about the impact that this has had on her (and I doubt it has had much of one), then I'm not sure that taking your regular business away from her will make things better.
posted by the young rope-rider at 6:33 AM on August 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

Oh, don't stop going. I mean, you can if you want to but I've heard much gnarlier stuff in salons and dentists offices. (Amazing the things people will say to you when your mouth is stuffed with cotton!) Plus I think people should be talking more about the dangers of addiction; it shouldn't be so hush-hush.
posted by BibiRose at 6:33 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

I fear that I over disclosed and made this person uncomfortable. I would be SURPRISED if I didn't make this person feel uncomfortable...

This:

She provided good advice, shared her own experiences, didn't judge me outwardly at least, and didn't make me feel uncomfortable. We laughed so it wasn't all serious.

is not what people who feel uncomfortable do. You did not make her feel uncomfortable. Take from me, client service people in all fields hear much more personal, uncomfortable stuff everyday. You'd be amazed at the number of people who want their veterinarian to take a look at their rash, for example.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:36 AM on August 11, 2012 [17 favorites]

If I had a dollar for every time someone over-shared with me, be they friend, acquaintance, or stranger, I could retire tomorrow. Please do not worry about this. It's no big deal and you have no reason to feel ashamed. Most people's stories are fairly complicated and/or dark, you know?

Don't worry about it.
posted by corey flood at 6:36 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm friends with a number of hairdressers and aestheticians, and you're not the first, or the hundredth, or the thousandth person to disclose a lot of your life to someone sitting in the chair of a person in the beauty industry. It's part of the job.

Relax.
posted by xingcat at 6:42 AM on August 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

It's such a cliche that women overshare with their hairdressers that I have read an entire mystery novel based around the fact that a hairdresser was secretly blackmailing her clients with the information they shared with her as she did their hair for their weddings. Not that I think your waxer is going to blackmail you, I'm just trying to point out that what you described is so common that it's part of the cultural zeitgeist.

No doubt other aestheticians have similar experiences to hairdressers. They're focused on you and making conversation in an environment where you're very relaxed. Often the salon or spa is a female only environment which may make it one of the few safe-seeming spaces most women encounter in their regular lives. It is neither surprising nor unusual for people to share personal information under these circumstances and it's likely that many of her clients do.

Moreover, none of the information you shared is the sort of thing you should feel shame about. Most of it was about the way other people have treated you poorly, which is not something you should feel bad about. The only things that really focused on you were the anti-depressant thing (and while depression still carries some stigma, please try not to feel guilty about telling people about it -- the more people talk about it, the less stigma it has, so ultimately, being willing to share that information openly does the world a favor) and the college drinking thing (and, well, if 'got drunk too much when I first went to college' was shameful, Facebook would be out of business).

Please don't beat yourself up over this. This is normal.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:49 AM on August 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

What makes people feel comfortable sharing life experiences with others that are employed in the client service industries like hair stylists, barbers, and eyebrow/waxing artists?

I think there are a few things at play that make it easier to open up with somebody like this:

1) They (generally speaking) have no other connection to you or your life other than the fact that you pay them for a service. This means they're relatively impartial and any info you divulge is unlikely to get back to the subject of your convo.*
2) Grooming services have always struck me as ways of caring for yourself, and certainly when I'm at a spa or having my hair done, I'm putting myself in someone else's hands with the expectation that they are taking on the role of a caregiver. It's easy, I think, to slip into a mode where someone becomes a bit of an emotional caregiver when they're taking care of you physically as well.

If you feel comfortable with this woman and feel she does a good job, then I would chalk this experience up to a one time verbal vomit offense, wipe the slate clean, and go back again without worrying about it. You apologised to her, she accepted your apology, so there's not much more you can do to mitigate the circumstances, apart from giving yourself a pass here and moving on.

*That said, I do think it's important to set up some filters when opening up; I have known hair stylists who had no compunction whatsoever about spreading gossip around that they'd heard from clients, from weight-related ("Suzie was telling me the other day that she's gained 3 stone since she had her baby, can you imagine?!") to homewrecking-related ("Barb's husband has been cheating on her with Phyllis, what a shame"). Just because someone offers you a nonjudgmental ear doesn't mean they're not repeating what you've said and judging you for it afterward.
posted by catch as catch can at 6:56 AM on August 11, 2012

Don't even worry about it! Salons are the confessionals of our time. The TMI you're worrying about prolly didn't even blip on her overshare radar.
posted by kreestar at 7:05 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

In my experiences, this is totally normal. Don't feel bad at all; it seems like this person was a willing partner in the discussion.
posted by two lights above the sea at 7:06 AM on August 11, 2012

She provided good advice, shared her own experiences, didn't judge me outwardly at least, and didn't make me feel uncomfortable. We laughed so it wasn't all serious. I apologized for what happened because I didn't intend for the conversation to be like that and she said not to worry

This was all good. By apologizing you 'checked out', and she'll be fine with it. By all means just go there again, and just don't refer to this situation any more. Since the conversation was not about her life, she'll forget it, don't worry.

The entire situation evolved like it did because any conversation is interactive. You are not the only one who is responsible for how it went. Don't make yourself responsible in hindsight.
posted by Namlit at 7:11 AM on August 11, 2012

It's fine. Hairdressers, salon employees, are used to people spilling their guts. No need to stop going. Trust me you were not even the worst over-sharer of the week, or day. No worries :)
posted by manicure12 at 7:15 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't feel like this is oversharing. You've seen her 1-2 times per month for 2 years? It is ok to have a conversation with another human being about things more substantial than eyebrows, hair color or the weather.

Besides...
Isn't there a cliche about beauticians being akin to therapists in the same way bartenders are? They are used to clients talking about their lives. It's cool. Just be casual when you next see her.
posted by teamnap at 7:17 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I have a friend who teaches yoga privately, and she says this often happens after she touches someone. She's just touching them to adjust their pose or something, but it creates a comfort zone and she says often it's only half a minute before she'll hear some personal confession or story. Of course. she's chosen an occupation where she does have to touch people and knows what it entails, and she's come to expect it.

It's very, very basic to how we are as animals.
posted by zadcat at 7:35 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

When I worked in a bakery I had regulars that I knew so well that I heard *everything*. To the point of them reading me the messages that their husbands sent their mistresses. They cried on my shoulder and bared it all. I never thought worse for someone sharing with me, I felt honoured to be let in their lives.

I don't think you crossed boundaries at all. That's a regular occurrence. As someone above said, they are a safe space not connected to your friends, families or acquaintances.
posted by jonathanstrange at 8:10 AM on August 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

Everyone else's answers about this being a totally normal phenomenon are right-on. In fact, if you've been seeing this person long enough to feel safe talking about some of your stuff, that's a good thing! So I'm not going to go really deeply into that topic, but there is something else that I wanted to address.

Many of us who grew up in alcoholic and/or abusive homes learned early on the Most Important Rule, which is that you Don't Talk About it.

You don't talk about it in your home and you certainly don't talk about it to people outside of your home. Some of this is learned through osmosis, some of it is actually flat-out told to us... along with the threats about what would happen if we did tell someone. (Have you ever heard that gem that one adult will say to another, while the kid is in hearing range of course: the grownups will be talking about Children's Aid, and one says to the other "If so-and-so ever threatened to call the Children's Aid on me, oh, yeah, c'mere, I'd give her a real good reason first" (smacks fist in palm)?)

That's one example of the way that we're indirectly trained to be silent about the bad, scary things that are happening to us and around us- and often it's a lot more direct than that. We also Don't Talk About It because we are ashamed and afraid of others' reactions. We may even stop talking about it to ourselves, try not to acknowledge it or pay attention to it, and we're terrified of how other people are going to treat us if they found out.

Which is exactly what I'm hearing from you.

When I first started dealing with and admitting to and acknowledging my issues, I found myself accidentally telling everyone (when I was drunk) about the bad shit that had happened to me. Twenty years of silence broke and it broke messy and it broke all over everyone, and that's ok.

I'm concerned that you're not just worried about your overshare, which by your account sounds like a pretty minor deal. I'm concerned that a part of you is ashamed/embarassed/scared because you Told Someone and now you're afraid there are going to be consequenses, that Bad Things are going to happen.

You are safe (I hope you now live in a safe environment), and the rules are different now.

You are Allowed to Tell.
You're allowed to tell Anybody You Want.
It is OK to talk about it.


You're allowed to tell as much, as often as you need to. People need to talk about their shit to work through it; other adults understand this and they allow for it. (Ever stood there nodding politely for 45 minutes while someone told you about their gross bladder operation or something? How much of that conversation did you even remember a week later? Did you think any less of that person, or did you just think they needed to talk?)

You might embarass yourself a few times, but unless you start crying into your drink at a party and telling everyone about your childhood, you have nothing to worry about. (and even then- I mean, if they're close friends, they'll probably let it slide, but if you do that kind of thing too often you just might not get invited to many parties is all).

I think it's a really positive thing that you're discussing this with people. The more you discuss it, the less power it will have over you to send you into this kind of panic. So if you need permission to talk, it's hereby granted. You're allowed to talk about it as much as you need to, as often as you need to, to as many people as you need to, to get it the fuck out of you.

And the eyebrowist that you've been seeing for a couple years and feel comfortable with is an excellent place to start. Even if she did gossip about you, does it really matter? It's not like you hang out in the same circles. What is she, going to call your mother on you? Tell all your friends? No, that's not very likely.

You should absolutely go back and don't dwell, don't feel ashamed; just be happy you have this person in your life that you can spill your guts to if you need it. Why give up a perfectly good relationship that's been over a year in the making- and a good waxer? Who knows how long that would take to replace.

Best of luck to you too.
posted by windykites at 8:39 AM on August 11, 2012 [27 favorites]

This is totally not a big deal. Also, if she's been a beautician for a while, she certainly understands the basic tools of conversation and how they can be used to encourage people to talk or subtly discourage them from continuing to talk, and it sounds like she encouraged you to keep talking. (Engaging and asking questions and making suggestions is not a "conversation closer.") She's fine with it.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:12 AM on August 11, 2012

I didn't divulge a lot of information about these life experiences, but I did briefly mention them and I feel like this was such a terrible thing to do.

What is the terrible part? What boundary did you cross? I would show this question to your therapist. Talking about having shitty parents and getting drunk in college is not exactly scandalous.
posted by rhizome at 9:57 AM on August 11, 2012

It's OK to share information about your life with others who you see on a regular basis.
posted by samthemander at 9:59 AM on August 11, 2012

I had what felt like an overshare at my very last eyebrow session, too, in a weird coincidence, so I think I have an idea of how it can happen. Like you, I've been seeing the same woman for over a year, and it usually starts as chitchat. But after a year, it does start to feel a bit weird to just talk about weather and how much you love getting your eyebrows done, so it makes sense things get a little bit more intimate.

Plus, even casual chitchat carries a lot of assumptions and at a certain point you feel like you have to correct some of them. In my case, I've mentioned my daughter a few times, I'm sure, and this time she said something about my husband. I'm not married, and my daughter has never met her father, so I had to decide whether I let the assumption about a husband stand or divulge what feels to me like fairly intimate information (and so forestall the sequence of questions that then go "Oh, your boyfriend, then. Oh? Well I mean your daughter's father..." etc.). So I just went for it, even though it made me a little uncomfortable. And it was fine, she shared that her father had left her mom when she was so small she didn't remember him and had never seen him since. The fact that she mirrored back the intimacy was reassuring.

In addition to the length of the relationship, there is just something incredibly intimate about having someone touch your face. The woman who works on me is above and behind my head at first, out of my line of vision--classic psychoanalysis posture!!--and then finishes by tweezing with her face basically in the intimate zone reserved for people you're about to kiss. It's amazing we don't spill all our secrets!
posted by looli at 10:05 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Next time you go in, WaxArtist, I'm so comfortable talking to you; if I overshared last time I was here, or any time, just let me know. You are a terrific listener.
posted by theora55 at 10:48 AM on August 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

People overshare with me all the time and all I do is sell them flowers. I am talking about a guy practically in tears showing me the texts his angry girlfriend is sending him RIGHT THAT MINUTE. Or a parent telling me about their child's suicide. Or a customer angrily dishing how an acquaintance's child died because someone was negligent. On and on and on and on and....in other words, sharing happens, it's normal, and many of us consider it an honor to be an ear for someone when they need it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:50 AM on August 11, 2012

Well, it's a pretty intimate relationship which relies on a leap of trust. It's your face. You're paying her to groom part of it, using a method that can be painful, which if messed up could make you look silly for a few weeks.

She told you that she wasn't uncomfortable, didn't act uncomfortable, and specifically explained that this kind of oversharing is par for the course with her clients. I don't know what else she can do to communicate that this is No Big Deal. Climb back on the horse and go to her as usual, you'll be glad that you did.

anonymous posted">> I didn't divulge a lot of information about these life experiences, but I did briefly mention them and I feel like this was such a terrible thing to do.

Talk to your therapist about your anxiety and feelings of shame, okay? Because egregious oversharing would be if you HAD gone on and on about the details. Mentioning these things the way you've described, eh, not not so much.
posted by desuetude at 12:10 PM on August 11, 2012

I tend not to talk so much with hairstylists or manicurists, but I have heard fellow customers being so much more over-sharey than what you describe. Oh, heavens, yes. I have heard stories about strangers' rashes and discharges and fistulas. Tales of affairs and intrafamily fights over inheritances and partners' drug and alcohol abuse, and you name it.

My guess is that if your eyebrow tech had been uncomfortable with the conversation, she would have employed some advanced topic-changing skills, because my observation is that people who work in these industries need to develop those to spare their serenity.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:29 PM on August 11, 2012

Keep going. I almost consider what you told her to be and undershare after 2 years of being her customer.
posted by Vaike at 12:57 PM on August 11, 2012

Women having close relationships with their hairdressers is so much of a thing that there are many public health projects centered around training salon workers as peer educators about health issues. It works with barbershops, too!
posted by clerestory at 3:16 PM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Not over sharing. Also I often HAVE to carry on conversation to distract myself from the impending wax removal so if you've known each other that long you're just entering normal conversation territory like chatting with anyone you've known for two years.
posted by ArgyleMarionette at 4:08 PM on August 11, 2012

What makes people feel comfortable sharing life experiences with others that are employed in the client service industries like hair stylists, barbers, and eyebrow/waxing artists?

Many animal species groom each other to strengthen social bonds, so maybe that's a factor, too--maybe we're kind of instinctually predisposed to bond with the people who groom us. In addition to all the other reasons people have pointed out (safe space, intimate/trusted relationship, she's not involved in your personal life, etc). Also, don't waste another second worrying about this--you said nothing even remotely out-of-line, and I'm sure this lady wasn't phased. (I have a similarly close relationship with my eyebrow lady!)
posted by désoeuvrée at 12:47 AM on August 12, 2012