Do I respectfully acknowledge to my colleague that I find him hot?
August 10, 2012 10:56 AM Subscribe
Tell a friend/colleague who I have no intentions of dating that I find him very attractive?
A classmate/colleague/friend of mine is really, really hot. I instantly developed a crush on him when I met him, and spent the next 6 months shyly trying to catch his eye until I found out he had a girlfriend. It's been about a year now, and our community gets together often, so he and I hang out from time to time for group dinners, etc.
Every time we interact, I get this sudden urge to like, nibble on his neck and smell him and wrestle and tell him how delicious he is, hahah. I'm laughing because it does feel innocent to me - I respect him and his girlfriend quite a bit and would never actually act on these feelings with things as they are. I take his commitment to his girlfriend seriously, and I have a guy I'm seeing as well - it just isn't going to happen.
That said, we do have a good "chemistry" which is quite mutual and have been channeling it into art, etc, all in group contexts and quite kosher.
I've noticed that I have trouble meeting his eyes some times and have been holding back in casual conversation just because I don't want to explode all over him...
He is a sensitive, intelligent, supportive, kind and strong fellow... would it make sense for me to tell him and/or his (also amazing) girlfriend that I have feelings for him? I hope to turn our dynamic into a respectful/playful acknowledgement so that all this energy I feel has a positive outlet for everyone, rather than creating any awkward tension or unnatural distancing.
A classmate/colleague/friend of mine is really, really hot. I instantly developed a crush on him when I met him, and spent the next 6 months shyly trying to catch his eye until I found out he had a girlfriend. It's been about a year now, and our community gets together often, so he and I hang out from time to time for group dinners, etc.
Every time we interact, I get this sudden urge to like, nibble on his neck and smell him and wrestle and tell him how delicious he is, hahah. I'm laughing because it does feel innocent to me - I respect him and his girlfriend quite a bit and would never actually act on these feelings with things as they are. I take his commitment to his girlfriend seriously, and I have a guy I'm seeing as well - it just isn't going to happen.
That said, we do have a good "chemistry" which is quite mutual and have been channeling it into art, etc, all in group contexts and quite kosher.
I've noticed that I have trouble meeting his eyes some times and have been holding back in casual conversation just because I don't want to explode all over him...
He is a sensitive, intelligent, supportive, kind and strong fellow... would it make sense for me to tell him and/or his (also amazing) girlfriend that I have feelings for him? I hope to turn our dynamic into a respectful/playful acknowledgement so that all this energy I feel has a positive outlet for everyone, rather than creating any awkward tension or unnatural distancing.
Response by poster: Also, I am not the only woman in my class who feels this way about him... we've been joking about having a "fan club" for him :P
posted by dolce_voce at 10:58 AM on August 10, 2012
posted by dolce_voce at 10:58 AM on August 10, 2012
Keep it to yourself.
posted by modernnomad at 10:58 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by modernnomad at 10:58 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
I would say absolutely not. There's not a lot I can see to be gained from that. I doubt it will bring about the intimate friendship moment you may be hoping for.
posted by namesarehard at 10:59 AM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by namesarehard at 10:59 AM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
What would you hope to gain from doing something like that? The two potential outcomes are 1. awkwardness or 2. affair. Nothing good will happen.
posted by something something at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [12 favorites]
posted by something something at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [12 favorites]
There is absolutely no way of doing this without making things weird and difficult for him. So don't.
posted by griphus at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by griphus at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
Definitely keep this as your fun little secret. There's nothing he or his girlfriend can do with this information.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I think you just enjoy having a crush on him. Crushes are wonderful things. I don't know if there's a good way to explicitly have this conversation without making things weird. A little flirtation and fantasizing never killed anyone though.
posted by the jam at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by the jam at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
What the everloving fuck purpose would this serve except to make things REALLY GODDAMN AWKWARD for everyone?
posted by mollymayhem at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [42 favorites]
posted by mollymayhem at 11:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [42 favorites]
Do not make your feelings his responsibility. This means you cannot tell him or his girlfriend that you're all crushed out in hopes of turning the dynamic....into something completely unrealistic and only seen in romcoms.
so that all this energy I feel has a positive outlet for everyone
This is a fairy tale you're telling yourself in order to justify your desire to impose your feelings on someone else. Don't do this.
posted by rtha at 11:02 AM on August 10, 2012 [35 favorites]
so that all this energy I feel has a positive outlet for everyone
This is a fairy tale you're telling yourself in order to justify your desire to impose your feelings on someone else. Don't do this.
posted by rtha at 11:02 AM on August 10, 2012 [35 favorites]
No, why would you do that?
posted by Sara C. at 11:02 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 11:02 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: part of growing into your own skin is learning to handle issues like this. Having the confidence to be in the same room as someone you find so utterly engaging and retaining your composure, acting normally is not only considerate of others, it marks you put as a wonderful person.
I work sometimes with people who have titles, are world leaders in X, and seeing someone fawning over them is so difficult, it makes everyone feel awkward. So don't be that person.
posted by Wilder at 11:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [21 favorites]
I work sometimes with people who have titles, are world leaders in X, and seeing someone fawning over them is so difficult, it makes everyone feel awkward. So don't be that person.
posted by Wilder at 11:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [21 favorites]
The only reason I could ever imagine telling someone that sort of thing is if they were under the impression that they weren't attractive and you wanted to reassure them that they are and make them feel better/more confident.
Given that they are not, then no, there is no reason to tell them and could only possibly backfire. Also, you might find that they aren't so attractive in a bit. (I have a good friend who I once had a huge crush on, now no attraction whatsoever. Life is weird).
posted by jb at 11:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Given that they are not, then no, there is no reason to tell them and could only possibly backfire. Also, you might find that they aren't so attractive in a bit. (I have a good friend who I once had a huge crush on, now no attraction whatsoever. Life is weird).
posted by jb at 11:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
There is zero to be gained from this, and metric tonne that you put at risk. Don't do this. It would extremely selfish and inappropriate and fairly disrespectful of his girlfriend/his relationship. How would YOU feel if you were his girlfriend and a "friend" of his told him that they had feelings for him?
I also think you are lying to yourself when you say that your hope is to change your dynamic blah blah blah. Your hope is that he is all "I'm so glad you told me because I feel the same about you! I'm going to go dump my girlfriend now and date you instead!" Your mention of your having good "chemistry" screamed it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
I also think you are lying to yourself when you say that your hope is to change your dynamic blah blah blah. Your hope is that he is all "I'm so glad you told me because I feel the same about you! I'm going to go dump my girlfriend now and date you instead!" Your mention of your having good "chemistry" screamed it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
You think telling him and his girlfriend is going to create one big swell group dynamic? What does the guy you are seeing think about this plan?
Keep it to yourself.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Keep it to yourself.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
I take his commitment to his girlfriend seriously
If there were a single particle of my being that believed this, I would be much more comfortable with your pursuing the course of action you propose.
In the real world? Your current strategy of channeling your romantic frustration into art sounds like a great choice. If people didn't do that, we'd have much less art.
posted by escabeche at 11:05 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
If there were a single particle of my being that believed this, I would be much more comfortable with your pursuing the course of action you propose.
In the real world? Your current strategy of channeling your romantic frustration into art sounds like a great choice. If people didn't do that, we'd have much less art.
posted by escabeche at 11:05 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
I never imagined I'd be referencing cube in this situation, but you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. I'd hate to be your boyfriend. Who wants to be with someone who is infatuated with another person to the point they are openly talking about it with a 3rd party. And on top of it that person is in a relationship. Just all kinds of no here.
posted by cashman at 11:06 AM on August 10, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by cashman at 11:06 AM on August 10, 2012 [9 favorites]
If you want a positive outlet, use this energy to write fiction, start a web comic, or otherwise fuel something artistic in nature. Telling him is likely to merely cause problems.
posted by Michele in California at 11:06 AM on August 10, 2012
posted by Michele in California at 11:06 AM on August 10, 2012
If the genders were reversed in this question, you would be getting answers that are a lot less diplomatic. What you want to do is a terrible, creeptastic, disrespectful, inappropriate thing to do no matter what your gender is.
posted by elizardbits at 11:06 AM on August 10, 2012 [45 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 11:06 AM on August 10, 2012 [45 favorites]
Also, man... the guy you are seeing doesn't deserve to be dating someone who is so clearly infatuated with someone else. How would he feel if he read this question? Pretty shitty I'm guessing.
Either start focusing on the guy you are actually dating or do him a favour and cut him loose.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:07 AM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Either start focusing on the guy you are actually dating or do him a favour and cut him loose.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:07 AM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you have already decided to do it, why ask here?
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:12 AM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:12 AM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Just because people did it before you doesn't mean that they weren't acting like selfish disrespectful people, nor does it make your doing this any less of a sketch and disrepectful thing to do.
Behave in a way that matches the best of your associates, not the worst. Adapting to the lowest common denominator is never the way to go. Be better than them. Be a grown up. Act with respect.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:12 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
Behave in a way that matches the best of your associates, not the worst. Adapting to the lowest common denominator is never the way to go. Be better than them. Be a grown up. Act with respect.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:12 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
No, times a million. If you really thought this was a great idea, you wouldn't be here asking. I don't think people here are assuming it can *only" be painful and awkward, but there's a big chance it could be, and that's not something you want to bring into your professional life.
I would bet a significant sum of money that he knows you guys (you) are all crushing on him, and his girlfriend probably knows too. If you make a big thing of this, and respectfully I say that you're gushing a little, which is way different from a casual haha, how funny I think you're hot, then I don't think either of them will find that positive.
posted by mrs. taters at 11:13 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would bet a significant sum of money that he knows you guys (you) are all crushing on him, and his girlfriend probably knows too. If you make a big thing of this, and respectfully I say that you're gushing a little, which is way different from a casual haha, how funny I think you're hot, then I don't think either of them will find that positive.
posted by mrs. taters at 11:13 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Mod note: A few comments removed. dolce_voce, it's fine to ask for folks' feedback on this situation/idea but if you're at the point of telling all assembled that you feel bad for them for not having the same outlook on this you you may not be engaging with askme in a way that's gonna work. You kind of need to take or leave the answers you get here, clarify something if you need to but don't get into sort of jabbing-at-the-answerers territory.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:18 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:18 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Cortex - ok. I apologize for getting defensive; I just don't know what to say when multiple people take judgmental stances towards my attitude, which seem to be coming from cultural differences more than anything else.
posted by dolce_voce at 11:20 AM on August 10, 2012
posted by dolce_voce at 11:20 AM on August 10, 2012
Best answer: There are actually multiple people in our group who have already done this with their crushes and it has become a source of silliness and love for everyone involved... I feel bad for those of you who assume that it can only be painful or awkward!
The group you're referring to, what is it, exactly? Is this a situation where the normal standards of interpersonal relations with non-intimates don't apply for some reason? Because declaring a desire to "to like, nibble on his neck and smell him and wrestle and tell him how delicious he is, hahah" and having that awkward and kind of gross declaration "become a source of silliness and love for everyone involved" sounds like something that would happen in a hippie commune or ashram or something, but is totally crazy-sounding in a generic social context. And also, are lots of people in your group who have developed feelings for each other and then voiced them? That strikes the reader as peculiar. What nationality/class/etc are you all and where are you?
I feel like there's some social context here that you know about and take for granted but we do not, which is making this question very difficult to answer.
posted by clockzero at 11:22 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
The group you're referring to, what is it, exactly? Is this a situation where the normal standards of interpersonal relations with non-intimates don't apply for some reason? Because declaring a desire to "to like, nibble on his neck and smell him and wrestle and tell him how delicious he is, hahah" and having that awkward and kind of gross declaration "become a source of silliness and love for everyone involved" sounds like something that would happen in a hippie commune or ashram or something, but is totally crazy-sounding in a generic social context. And also, are lots of people in your group who have developed feelings for each other and then voiced them? That strikes the reader as peculiar. What nationality/class/etc are you all and where are you?
I feel like there's some social context here that you know about and take for granted but we do not, which is making this question very difficult to answer.
posted by clockzero at 11:22 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
I think this spells a problem for your own relationship.
To answer your question, no. Just, no. Do not tell someone who is in a relationship that you're attracted to him and have feelings for him. Especially don't do it if you aren't trying to date him. Whatever you hope to accomplish is not likely to happen, but you could easily damage your friendship, possibly beyond repair.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:22 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
To answer your question, no. Just, no. Do not tell someone who is in a relationship that you're attracted to him and have feelings for him. Especially don't do it if you aren't trying to date him. Whatever you hope to accomplish is not likely to happen, but you could easily damage your friendship, possibly beyond repair.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:22 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Clockzero hits it on the head. Yes, we are some kind of hippie ashram ;-) I won't bother posting questions like these here in the future and just stick with the perspectives of other folks in my community! Thanks anyway, folks - for mainstream social context you were all absolutely spot on... It just doesn't apply round these parts.
posted by dolce_voce at 11:25 AM on August 10, 2012
posted by dolce_voce at 11:25 AM on August 10, 2012
Best answer: I'd bet my IRA he already knows you think he's hot.
posted by jessca84 at 11:26 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by jessca84 at 11:26 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Do you want to break him and his girlfriend up? Have an affair? Do you want a threesome with him and his girlfriend? Confessing your desire in those instances could work. But if you just want to have fun platonic energy with him and his girlfriend based on your powerful crush on him, no, that's not going to happen, even in a commune.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:28 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 11:28 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think you should try telling him so you can discover for yourself how, regardless of culture, voicing such feelings is totally upsetting and destructive. You may be the kind of person who only learns by doing. If it takes destroying your own relationship, possibly destroying his relationship, maybe ruining the dynamics of a whole group of people, turning friends into enemies and lovers into combatants, in order that you might learn to keep your mouth shut about inappropriate feelings, then by all means do it, and be ready to learn a pretty harsh lesson.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 11:30 AM on August 10, 2012 [23 favorites]
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 11:30 AM on August 10, 2012 [23 favorites]
It's not a cultural difference, it's a simple human kindness situation. Inserting your personal emotions, unwanted, into someone else's committed relationship without being invited to do so by all consenting parties is a jerkish thing to do no matter where you are.
posted by elizardbits at 11:30 AM on August 10, 2012 [17 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 11:30 AM on August 10, 2012 [17 favorites]
Best answer: Well then, it sounds like a fine idea! Enjoy the wonder of cosmic connection and love :-)
posted by clockzero at 11:31 AM on August 10, 2012
posted by clockzero at 11:31 AM on August 10, 2012
I guess I'm still kind of wondering. This is a commune-ish kind of community, but you didn't find out for six months that he had a girlfriend. If his girlfriend is not part of this community, then you really need to take that into account when deciding whether or not "everyone" (including her) would find your declaration to be a source of delight and fun and so on.
posted by rtha at 11:35 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by rtha at 11:35 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I'm going to disagree with everyone else here to a limited extent. It's OK to tell somebody you can't sleep with that you think they're hot, but only in the context of explaining behavior that might otherwise be misinterpreted.
For example, when I was with my last girlfriend, I occasionally had female friends hit on me, and sometimes they were friends I was very attracted to. My response was generally something along the lines of "Look, I think you're very attractive, and that makes me uncomfortable, since I'm in a committed relationship. So, going forwards, if you find me spending less time hanging out with you, please don't be offended and take this as a sign that I don't like you. It's actually the opposite - I'm avoiding you because I like you too much. So in a way, it's a compliment!" Honesty in situations like this is OK, because it has a logical purpose and also helps demarcate clear boundaries to the friendship.
Of course, your situation is exactly the opposite - regardless of whether it's deliberate or not, your telling your friend about your attraction is almost certain to blur the distinction between friendship and prospective relationship, and it's obvious to me and most other people here that you're totally lying to yourself when you say that you have no intentions of dating him. That's why you're experiencing a lot of "judgemental" feedback from Mefites - being dishonest with yourself in an AskMe tends to draw that effect.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 11:38 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
For example, when I was with my last girlfriend, I occasionally had female friends hit on me, and sometimes they were friends I was very attracted to. My response was generally something along the lines of "Look, I think you're very attractive, and that makes me uncomfortable, since I'm in a committed relationship. So, going forwards, if you find me spending less time hanging out with you, please don't be offended and take this as a sign that I don't like you. It's actually the opposite - I'm avoiding you because I like you too much. So in a way, it's a compliment!" Honesty in situations like this is OK, because it has a logical purpose and also helps demarcate clear boundaries to the friendship.
Of course, your situation is exactly the opposite - regardless of whether it's deliberate or not, your telling your friend about your attraction is almost certain to blur the distinction between friendship and prospective relationship, and it's obvious to me and most other people here that you're totally lying to yourself when you say that you have no intentions of dating him. That's why you're experiencing a lot of "judgemental" feedback from Mefites - being dishonest with yourself in an AskMe tends to draw that effect.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 11:38 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Part of growing up is learning to just kind of ride the feeling of a crush.
If you have chemistry then he already knows you at least find him attractive, so I'd say just keep it to yourself. The potential positive consequences are few and the potential negative consequences are many.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:45 AM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you have chemistry then he already knows you at least find him attractive, so I'd say just keep it to yourself. The potential positive consequences are few and the potential negative consequences are many.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:45 AM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: rtha - I was joking when I agreed it was a hippie ashram (that was what the subtle winky face was about). We don't all live together and chant every day. But, this is an alternative community which smacks of similar cultural dynamics; I will leave it at that.
wolfdreams - the first part of your answer applies well. It just isn't going to make sense to most of you here unless I go into detail that would no longer allow this question to be anonymous. The other advice posted about showing up to the situation with a high level integrity (the ones I favorited) seem to be the way to go. Thanks everyone!
posted by dolce_voce at 11:47 AM on August 10, 2012
wolfdreams - the first part of your answer applies well. It just isn't going to make sense to most of you here unless I go into detail that would no longer allow this question to be anonymous. The other advice posted about showing up to the situation with a high level integrity (the ones I favorited) seem to be the way to go. Thanks everyone!
posted by dolce_voce at 11:47 AM on August 10, 2012
I'm going to leave aside the "this is a bad idea on a personal level" advice because previous posters have pointed this out several times.
You say this guy is a "classmate/colleague." I take it to mean you work with this guy? Because I can't think of a workplace or classroom - even a laid-back hippie one - where telling a colleague or classmate that he's "delicious" and you want to nibble his neck and wrestle with him, can possibly end well. In fact, it has the potential to end very, very badly if one of the other classmates or colleagues, or an instructor or supervisor, decides that this is an "unprofessional environment" or that sexual harassment is going on or your work is suffering. You're putting yourself in a position where someone who wanted to could get vindictive.
Maybe this is a different workplace or classroom than I can imagine, but you have to remember that there are others in the classroom and/or workplace besides you and Crush Object. You don't want to make an unprofessional environment for them. I for one would feel uncomfortable in a workplace where there was constant sexualized flirting and horseplay.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:49 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
You say this guy is a "classmate/colleague." I take it to mean you work with this guy? Because I can't think of a workplace or classroom - even a laid-back hippie one - where telling a colleague or classmate that he's "delicious" and you want to nibble his neck and wrestle with him, can possibly end well. In fact, it has the potential to end very, very badly if one of the other classmates or colleagues, or an instructor or supervisor, decides that this is an "unprofessional environment" or that sexual harassment is going on or your work is suffering. You're putting yourself in a position where someone who wanted to could get vindictive.
Maybe this is a different workplace or classroom than I can imagine, but you have to remember that there are others in the classroom and/or workplace besides you and Crush Object. You don't want to make an unprofessional environment for them. I for one would feel uncomfortable in a workplace where there was constant sexualized flirting and horseplay.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:49 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Rosie - sexualized flirting and horseplay is common here. Like I said, we aren't all living together, but it is certainly nonstandard.
posted by dolce_voce at 11:55 AM on August 10, 2012
posted by dolce_voce at 11:55 AM on August 10, 2012
Leave well enough alone, and keep everything within the realm of plausible deniability, if this situation tanks.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:58 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:58 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
What you are secretly hoping is that he will tell you back that he has had this crush on you for a long long time and then you will fall in each others arms.
Not going to happen. Snap out of it. It is all your imagination and desire, it has nothing to do with him. Not sure how much you respect his relationship as this step that you are considering has absolutely no respect for her feelings or considerations. Why don't you admit to her so that she is on guard when you are around him??
posted by pakora1 at 12:04 PM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Not going to happen. Snap out of it. It is all your imagination and desire, it has nothing to do with him. Not sure how much you respect his relationship as this step that you are considering has absolutely no respect for her feelings or considerations. Why don't you admit to her so that she is on guard when you are around him??
posted by pakora1 at 12:04 PM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
rtha - I was joking when I agreed it was a hippie ashram (that was what the subtle winky face was about). We don't all live together and chant every day. But, this is an alternative community which smacks of similar cultural dynamics; I will leave it at that.
Okay, that's good clarification. And my warning about if the gf isn't part of this community stands even more in that case.
posted by rtha at 12:05 PM on August 10, 2012
Okay, that's good clarification. And my warning about if the gf isn't part of this community stands even more in that case.
posted by rtha at 12:05 PM on August 10, 2012
Response by poster: One very true thing clockzero mentioned is that I take my culture for granted... I apologize for imposing by thinking that what is normal to me would not raise serious alarm bells for y'all.
posted by dolce_voce at 12:06 PM on August 10, 2012
posted by dolce_voce at 12:06 PM on August 10, 2012
It looks like you have your mind made up, but this is a bad idea. I did this when I was 16. It was a terrible idea then, and would be even worse in the adult world. There's nothing to be gained, you won't feel better.
posted by Fig at 12:08 PM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by Fig at 12:08 PM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
Everybody thinks their circle of friends is totes OK with the sexy flirting until somebody crosses a line.
Then it's no fun for anybody.
Do you want to be the person who crosses the line?
posted by Sara C. at 12:11 PM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
Then it's no fun for anybody.
Do you want to be the person who crosses the line?
posted by Sara C. at 12:11 PM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
This thread is bizarre. If you know what you intend to do, you don't need AskMe. I'm with everyone else who says this is disrespectful to tell him. Keep your distance, be professional, enjoy private fantasies. You won't die if you don't reveal this.
posted by agregoli at 12:27 PM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by agregoli at 12:27 PM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Look, your questions betray the fact that you seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding of generally accepted appropriate behaviors in modern day society - and the community's near-unanimous responses to your questions should be considered more than just mainstream white noise that you shrug off because it doesn't seem to fit your perspective on the world.
Woah there cowboy! Things aren't nearly that monolithic. This is a great community, but it definitely skews conservative on some things, which honestly is part of the charm, but people tend to state absolutes that aren't really that absolute.
Sure, at my workplace, I'd never dream of telling someone they were hot, and if someone did that to me I'd be considering writing a memo to HR in case things got weird later. But I can't be the only person here who has had totally ok and aboveboard conversations with friends where we acknowledge mutual attraction, agree that nothing is going to happen, and happily remain friends? That seems utterly unremarkable in my world, though obviously something reserved only for very close friends who feel similarly.
To make a perhaps tortured analogy, we'd all agree that smoking pot is a big societal no-no, one that you keep out of the workplace and out of conversations with strangers. And yet, there are other social spaces where different rules apply and people can happily discuss bonging vs rolling or whatever.
posted by Forktine at 12:28 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Woah there cowboy! Things aren't nearly that monolithic. This is a great community, but it definitely skews conservative on some things, which honestly is part of the charm, but people tend to state absolutes that aren't really that absolute.
Sure, at my workplace, I'd never dream of telling someone they were hot, and if someone did that to me I'd be considering writing a memo to HR in case things got weird later. But I can't be the only person here who has had totally ok and aboveboard conversations with friends where we acknowledge mutual attraction, agree that nothing is going to happen, and happily remain friends? That seems utterly unremarkable in my world, though obviously something reserved only for very close friends who feel similarly.
To make a perhaps tortured analogy, we'd all agree that smoking pot is a big societal no-no, one that you keep out of the workplace and out of conversations with strangers. And yet, there are other social spaces where different rules apply and people can happily discuss bonging vs rolling or whatever.
posted by Forktine at 12:28 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Mod note: dolce_voce, cortex already spoke to you about your hyperresponsiveness here. You seem to be having trouble understanding how AskMe works - please do not debate or respond to answers. Thanks.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 12:33 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 12:33 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Too many nuances and cultural differences at play here for clarity to come forth for everyone at once.
Here's the thing: If Crush's girlfriend is not in this program, then it doesn't matter whether you're at Woo College of Leeching or Harvard Medical School. *He* might be okay with a certain amount of eyefucking or flirting, and the gf might not get to know anything about it. Until he breaks up with her because she just "doesn't understand" him anymore. This is not uncommon in relationships where one person is in an intense grad school program and the partner is not. Your situation is really not that special; millions of broken-up/divorced med and law school grads are proof of that. If you want to contribute to that, that's on you.
posted by rtha at 12:34 PM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
Here's the thing: If Crush's girlfriend is not in this program, then it doesn't matter whether you're at Woo College of Leeching or Harvard Medical School. *He* might be okay with a certain amount of eyefucking or flirting, and the gf might not get to know anything about it. Until he breaks up with her because she just "doesn't understand" him anymore. This is not uncommon in relationships where one person is in an intense grad school program and the partner is not. Your situation is really not that special; millions of broken-up/divorced med and law school grads are proof of that. If you want to contribute to that, that's on you.
posted by rtha at 12:34 PM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
I literally cannot tell you how often someone has confessed feelings like this to me, but its a lot, maybe 50 times. And not one time did it end in some kind of magical relationship. It ends in me going "uh... Thanks?" and running the fuck away.
posted by fshgrl at 12:34 PM on August 10, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 12:34 PM on August 10, 2012 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I guess I feel like a lot of different things are being described by the OP.
Is it OK to tell a friend/coworker that they're hot? Sure. I do it all the time. I just make sure not to do it in the context of "and I want you."
Is it OK to voice mutual attraction with a close friend when you know that it'll be understood and definitely for sure nothing will happen? Sure. Potential minefield if it turns out not everyone is on the same page, and especially if there are significant others involved. But not blatantly inappropriate.
Is it OK to tell a coworker that you find him "delicious" and want to nibble his ears? No, not at all.
posted by Sara C. at 12:37 PM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Is it OK to tell a friend/coworker that they're hot? Sure. I do it all the time. I just make sure not to do it in the context of "and I want you."
Is it OK to voice mutual attraction with a close friend when you know that it'll be understood and definitely for sure nothing will happen? Sure. Potential minefield if it turns out not everyone is on the same page, and especially if there are significant others involved. But not blatantly inappropriate.
Is it OK to tell a coworker that you find him "delicious" and want to nibble his ears? No, not at all.
posted by Sara C. at 12:37 PM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
I respect him and his girlfriend quite a bit and would never actually act on these feelings with things as they are. I take his commitment to his girlfriend seriously, and I have a guy I'm seeing as well - it just isn't going to happen
That's how you initially described your "culture", for everyone to read. If this description counts at all, the answer would very likely be no.
If, however, your culture is rather one of writing haha and "subtle" emoticons when confrontation gets too real, by all means, tell your friend already how hot he is. You always can add haha wink wink.
And for Pete's sake quit threadsitting
posted by Namlit at 12:38 PM on August 10, 2012 [12 favorites]
That's how you initially described your "culture", for everyone to read. If this description counts at all, the answer would very likely be no.
If, however, your culture is rather one of writing haha and "subtle" emoticons when confrontation gets too real, by all means, tell your friend already how hot he is. You always can add haha wink wink.
And for Pete's sake quit threadsitting
posted by Namlit at 12:38 PM on August 10, 2012 [12 favorites]
Don't tell him. If nothing else, it's not very respectful or fair to your boyfriend, unless he's totally aware of what's going on - and even then, were I your boyfriend, my feelings would probably be hurt, even if I was a hippie-lovey type.
People do things because they have a goal. What's your goal? Really examine what you want out of this situation before you act. Is it to make him feel good? Is it to let him know he's attractive? Is it to make yourself feel good? Once you've identified your goal or goals, try to figure out if there are other ways of meeting them, because the method you've identified is suboptimal, at best.
This just seems like one of those AskMe's where the OP knew what she wanted to hear, and other responses would be ignored. It's annoying, but they happen.
posted by k8lin at 12:41 PM on August 10, 2012 [10 favorites]
People do things because they have a goal. What's your goal? Really examine what you want out of this situation before you act. Is it to make him feel good? Is it to let him know he's attractive? Is it to make yourself feel good? Once you've identified your goal or goals, try to figure out if there are other ways of meeting them, because the method you've identified is suboptimal, at best.
This just seems like one of those AskMe's where the OP knew what she wanted to hear, and other responses would be ignored. It's annoying, but they happen.
posted by k8lin at 12:41 PM on August 10, 2012 [10 favorites]
Respectfully--you seem to have asked a question, received a fairly unanimous response, and then dismissed everyone who answered as unqualified to respond because they don't understand your community.
Nevertheless, despite your own understanding of your community, you felt the need to ask the question.
It seems to me that if you were sure it was an okay thing to do, you wouldn't have asked the question, nor have reacted defensively to the answers that you didn't want.
and tell him how delicious he is, hahah. I'm laughing because it does feel innocent to me -
Two common reasons for laughing are 1.) because something is funny, and 2.) because laughter diffuses awkwardness or nervousness. This seems very much like the latter case.
The phrasing of your question, and the fact that you asked it at all, suggest that you yourself feel awkward and uncomfortable about what you're proposing to do. Maybe you should listen to that inner voice.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 12:45 PM on August 10, 2012 [14 favorites]
Nevertheless, despite your own understanding of your community, you felt the need to ask the question.
It seems to me that if you were sure it was an okay thing to do, you wouldn't have asked the question, nor have reacted defensively to the answers that you didn't want.
and tell him how delicious he is, hahah. I'm laughing because it does feel innocent to me -
Two common reasons for laughing are 1.) because something is funny, and 2.) because laughter diffuses awkwardness or nervousness. This seems very much like the latter case.
The phrasing of your question, and the fact that you asked it at all, suggest that you yourself feel awkward and uncomfortable about what you're proposing to do. Maybe you should listen to that inner voice.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 12:45 PM on August 10, 2012 [14 favorites]
Best answer: You described his relationship in a way that implies its a committed, monagomous one (if not your own, although you were not clear on that). Is that the case? That could influence feedback.
It sounds like you know what you're going to do, so I'm puzzled why you came here to ask. I'm also puzzled why you're dancing so hard around the fact of what your relationships and this subculture you're apparently immersed in are like, but I strongly suspect it's not nearly as different as you think and you're not really such a special snowflake.
Your previous question and this one, together, suggest that you have something going on that's leaving you very flustered and unable to think through pretty basic, fundamental aspects of human behavior. I second young rope rider's comment that you should think about seeing a mental health professional -- not because you're necessarily unwell, but because it's clear that you have some things going on emotionally and socially that this forum isn't equipped to help you with.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:50 PM on August 10, 2012 [15 favorites]
It sounds like you know what you're going to do, so I'm puzzled why you came here to ask. I'm also puzzled why you're dancing so hard around the fact of what your relationships and this subculture you're apparently immersed in are like, but I strongly suspect it's not nearly as different as you think and you're not really such a special snowflake.
Your previous question and this one, together, suggest that you have something going on that's leaving you very flustered and unable to think through pretty basic, fundamental aspects of human behavior. I second young rope rider's comment that you should think about seeing a mental health professional -- not because you're necessarily unwell, but because it's clear that you have some things going on emotionally and socially that this forum isn't equipped to help you with.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:50 PM on August 10, 2012 [15 favorites]
Also consider that you're communicating poorly with us here, and ask yourself whether it's possible that whatever you intend to communicate to him will be heard in the way you hope.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:53 PM on August 10, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 12:53 PM on August 10, 2012 [13 favorites]
I'm friends with an alternative group of individuals, a lot of activists/queer/feminists who are very open with their sexuality. I think if they were in an open relationship, sure I might say something, but I think jealously can arise even in these alternative, supposedly more open groups. I think this girlfriend likely knows she's got the hot BF but you telling him might be viewed as threatening if they aren't an open relationship. I know from having friends who do the open-relationship, alternative relationship scenarios, but they still get messy when jealousy does happen to creep in or when someone pushes a boundary a little too far. I think it's likely already obvious so there's little need to vocalize it unless there's an underlying reason why you want to be sure knows.
posted by DorothySmith at 12:56 PM on August 10, 2012
posted by DorothySmith at 12:56 PM on August 10, 2012
I am sorry you are not getting the answers you would like. Much of askme has weighed in to tell you that disclosing a crush to a crushee rarely leads to a diffused situation. In my experience, apparently shared with others here, I have found that disclosing a crush leads to either awkwardness and embarrassment, or an intensification of mutual feelings.
It is pretty unlikely that your group dynamics (which is probably a better term here than culture) will moderate such outcome, unless non-monogamy is something the group dynamic encourages.
And calling consensus opinion on metafilter "mainstream" is pretty wide of the mark, if you ask me.
posted by everythings_interrelated at 12:57 PM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
It is pretty unlikely that your group dynamics (which is probably a better term here than culture) will moderate such outcome, unless non-monogamy is something the group dynamic encourages.
And calling consensus opinion on metafilter "mainstream" is pretty wide of the mark, if you ask me.
posted by everythings_interrelated at 12:57 PM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
And calling consensus opinion on metafilter "mainstream" is pretty wide of the mark, if you ask me.
I am not going to list all the gender identities and sexual orientations and kinks and races and ages and ethnicities represented by commenters in this thread, but seriously, the fact that we are all almost uniformly in agreement here should not be dismissed as some kind of vanilla mainstream consensus.
posted by elizardbits at 1:04 PM on August 10, 2012 [34 favorites]
I am not going to list all the gender identities and sexual orientations and kinks and races and ages and ethnicities represented by commenters in this thread, but seriously, the fact that we are all almost uniformly in agreement here should not be dismissed as some kind of vanilla mainstream consensus.
posted by elizardbits at 1:04 PM on August 10, 2012 [34 favorites]
I also know from experience both in "mainstream" friendships versus my friendships with those in "alternative" circles, there's often more overlap than there is complete difference in the ways people act when it comes to feelings. My straight "mainstream" friends get upset when a friend is too friendly with a significant other just like my feminist lesbian friends in open relationships get uncomfortable if someone is approaching their partner in a way that doesn't follow their rules... I've also seem most of these relationships fail due to jealously as well. When someone oversteps, they're awkwardly talked about behind their backs as well, just like in the "mainstream" friendships.
posted by DorothySmith at 1:04 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by DorothySmith at 1:04 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
...we'd all agree that smoking pot is a big societal no-no, one that you keep out of the workplace and out of conversations with strangers. And yet, there are other social spaces where different rules apply and people can happily discuss bonging vs rolling
but if you knew you were in a community where it was cool, why would you need to ask a third party? If you're looking for a standard social expectation, and you describe the person as a "classmate/colleague" who you see within a community, then people will tell you what you're doing breaks a taboo.
To go back to your analogy - offering a joint might fly, like light flirting may be considered okay (although both will be seen as kinda against the rules). But telling someone unavailable you think he's delicious and you want to explode all over him is more like showing up with crack. In some communities, it's all good; in others that is going too far, but if you ask strangers on the internet, very few are going to tell you it's fine to offer your colleagues crack.
Everything's a judgment call, but it's worth considering that a much higher portion of people live alternative and libertine lifestyles in college or when quite young. Somehow, a bunch of folks either close off or grow up, however you want to view it. Many times it is because these things end up being a lot harder in reality than it seems like they should be. Sexual openness and relationship honesty are great ideals. But emotions are real, delicate, and not very rational, so be careful.
posted by mdn at 1:10 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
but if you knew you were in a community where it was cool, why would you need to ask a third party? If you're looking for a standard social expectation, and you describe the person as a "classmate/colleague" who you see within a community, then people will tell you what you're doing breaks a taboo.
To go back to your analogy - offering a joint might fly, like light flirting may be considered okay (although both will be seen as kinda against the rules). But telling someone unavailable you think he's delicious and you want to explode all over him is more like showing up with crack. In some communities, it's all good; in others that is going too far, but if you ask strangers on the internet, very few are going to tell you it's fine to offer your colleagues crack.
Everything's a judgment call, but it's worth considering that a much higher portion of people live alternative and libertine lifestyles in college or when quite young. Somehow, a bunch of folks either close off or grow up, however you want to view it. Many times it is because these things end up being a lot harder in reality than it seems like they should be. Sexual openness and relationship honesty are great ideals. But emotions are real, delicate, and not very rational, so be careful.
posted by mdn at 1:10 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: J. Wilson - you're probably right. It doesn't seem like what I'm looking for here is appropriate to this forum. The "things going on" emotionally and socially for me are processes I would prefer to get support on from a parent or family member, but I did say in my first-ever post here (since you are tracking mine) that I don't have them. So it's just learning how to be an adult. I can handle it on my own, and talking through it helps. The way young roperider said it, I heard it as "you're crazy", but hiring a professional to talk with as I process makes sense. Thank you for saying that the way I needed to hear it.
posted by dolce_voce at 1:13 PM on August 10, 2012
posted by dolce_voce at 1:13 PM on August 10, 2012
So, boundaries are a good thing. And they're not just for people who you have a problem with, or for people that you're trying to keep out. They're also healthy for your friends who you care deeply about.
You asked this question for a reason. And I think it is because you knew the answer you would get here. And I think rather than listening to us, you are using our chorus of raised voices to justify the behavior that you wanted to take part in at the outset. The community's near-unanimous responses to your questions should be considered more than just mainstream white noise that you shrug off because it doesn't seem to fit your perspective on the world. What we're telling you is that your perspective, as it currently exists, is a potential liability for you.
If these people are your classmates, then your "some kind of hippie ashram" far from that, and your utopian subculture of no boundaries is illusory and imagined. High stress environments like educational programs frequently cloud judgment about professional and appropriate behavior and even inspire people to behave badly as methods for de-stressing. (Not just speaking abstractly here: I went to law school; I've seen it all.) These people that you're engaging in sexualized flirting and horseplay with? These ARE your colleagues - not members of some kind of a hippie ashram. And your inappropriate behavior will follow you into your career if you don't nip this in the bud and learn appropriate boundary-setting for the workplace.
Is admitting a crush a career-ending mistake? No. Probably not on its own. But the places it leads? Absolutely. And do you want to know where this leads? Two weeks ago, I plugged in a work device to back up some files and found a sex tape of two of my colleagues saved there. I'm still employed here today. Guess who isn't?
You need to stop excusing your disordered thinking about appropriate behaviors. Seek some help. A professional mentor would be great to cultivate. Find one who feels comfortable helping you with professional and interpersonal issues.
posted by jph at 1:19 PM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
You asked this question for a reason. And I think it is because you knew the answer you would get here. And I think rather than listening to us, you are using our chorus of raised voices to justify the behavior that you wanted to take part in at the outset. The community's near-unanimous responses to your questions should be considered more than just mainstream white noise that you shrug off because it doesn't seem to fit your perspective on the world. What we're telling you is that your perspective, as it currently exists, is a potential liability for you.
If these people are your classmates, then your "some kind of hippie ashram" far from that, and your utopian subculture of no boundaries is illusory and imagined. High stress environments like educational programs frequently cloud judgment about professional and appropriate behavior and even inspire people to behave badly as methods for de-stressing. (Not just speaking abstractly here: I went to law school; I've seen it all.) These people that you're engaging in sexualized flirting and horseplay with? These ARE your colleagues - not members of some kind of a hippie ashram. And your inappropriate behavior will follow you into your career if you don't nip this in the bud and learn appropriate boundary-setting for the workplace.
Is admitting a crush a career-ending mistake? No. Probably not on its own. But the places it leads? Absolutely. And do you want to know where this leads? Two weeks ago, I plugged in a work device to back up some files and found a sex tape of two of my colleagues saved there. I'm still employed here today. Guess who isn't?
You need to stop excusing your disordered thinking about appropriate behaviors. Seek some help. A professional mentor would be great to cultivate. Find one who feels comfortable helping you with professional and interpersonal issues.
posted by jph at 1:19 PM on August 10, 2012 [7 favorites]
Best answer: It doesn't seem like what I'm looking for here is appropriate to this forum.
It really depends on what you want. If it's a lot of back-and-forth discussion/arguing, then no, that's not what askme is for. If it's for a sort of blanket permission to go do what you want to do anyway, then it's not great for that either.
For questions that have a culturally specific component to them - and I am using "culture" in a less loosey-goosey way than you seem to be - like, "I would like to wish my colleague, who is from XYZ country, a happy birthday; are there any specific phrases I should use/avoid?", askme is actually pretty damn good at stuff like that.
So think about what you really want (in this instance, and in general) when you ask people for advice. Not just people here on the green, but in general. If it's just a bullshit session - and those can be awesome! - then friends are pretty great for that. If it's a reality check from an outside perspective, then you might need to go outside your comfort zone, and be willing to take some licks.
posted by rtha at 1:29 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
It really depends on what you want. If it's a lot of back-and-forth discussion/arguing, then no, that's not what askme is for. If it's for a sort of blanket permission to go do what you want to do anyway, then it's not great for that either.
For questions that have a culturally specific component to them - and I am using "culture" in a less loosey-goosey way than you seem to be - like, "I would like to wish my colleague, who is from XYZ country, a happy birthday; are there any specific phrases I should use/avoid?", askme is actually pretty damn good at stuff like that.
So think about what you really want (in this instance, and in general) when you ask people for advice. Not just people here on the green, but in general. If it's just a bullshit session - and those can be awesome! - then friends are pretty great for that. If it's a reality check from an outside perspective, then you might need to go outside your comfort zone, and be willing to take some licks.
posted by rtha at 1:29 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't think hippie ashrams are immune to sexual jealousy. You're kidding yourself if you think that you can pull this off - both in terms of your motivation and your friend's likely reaction.
Signed,
Someone who knows a surprising number of people who did/are doing the hippie ashram thing, and who heard about a whole lotta of relationship drama in those circles
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:12 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Signed,
Someone who knows a surprising number of people who did/are doing the hippie ashram thing, and who heard about a whole lotta of relationship drama in those circles
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:12 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Why are you asking if you can tell this man and his girlfriend, but not asking about telling YOUR boyfriend?
Does he already know about your feelings? If he was to read the question as you've written it, would he be fine with this?
posted by Dynex at 2:59 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Does he already know about your feelings? If he was to read the question as you've written it, would he be fine with this?
posted by Dynex at 2:59 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
(since you are tracking mine)
For values of "tracking" that include "clicking on your username to see if there is context that can be gleaned from your previous posts," maybe.
One of the really useful things a good therapist provides is coaching in how to navigate whatever social situations a client finds complicated. For whatever reasons, your instincts about what's appropriate in social situations are really at odds with the instincts of most of the people here, and I would guess with most of the people you interact with in real life. That's not because you're bad or "crazy" or whatever, you just somehow didn't learn that information, just like someone else might not know how to drive or cook or whatever.
So, in regard to this particular thing, I can tell you that what you are considering would be considered faintly inappropriate and definitely awkward among some groups of people I know who are sex and sexuality activists, people who as part of their profession do things like give fisting workshops. Telling someone you don't intend to fuck that you are interested in fucking them is just useless information at best, and awkward at worst. There's just no point. It's like going up to someone and saying "I would totally buy your house if I was looking for a house to buy and you were selling a house"---there is no percentage to be gained for either party in the conversation.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:08 PM on August 10, 2012 [12 favorites]
For values of "tracking" that include "clicking on your username to see if there is context that can be gleaned from your previous posts," maybe.
One of the really useful things a good therapist provides is coaching in how to navigate whatever social situations a client finds complicated. For whatever reasons, your instincts about what's appropriate in social situations are really at odds with the instincts of most of the people here, and I would guess with most of the people you interact with in real life. That's not because you're bad or "crazy" or whatever, you just somehow didn't learn that information, just like someone else might not know how to drive or cook or whatever.
So, in regard to this particular thing, I can tell you that what you are considering would be considered faintly inappropriate and definitely awkward among some groups of people I know who are sex and sexuality activists, people who as part of their profession do things like give fisting workshops. Telling someone you don't intend to fuck that you are interested in fucking them is just useless information at best, and awkward at worst. There's just no point. It's like going up to someone and saying "I would totally buy your house if I was looking for a house to buy and you were selling a house"---there is no percentage to be gained for either party in the conversation.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:08 PM on August 10, 2012 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Given some of your updates, you are more than welcome to write me privately (with more details, I mean).
I had a string of unconventional relationships during my divorce and other odd situations as a youth. I have blogged about my feelings for a man I am acquainted with in part to notify him of how I really feel but do so obliquely, where he doesn't have to deal with it directly. As others suggested, I did so to clear up a problem. He has never acknowledged that he reads my blog and knows I am talking about him, but he has stopped picking fights with me and putting me in a damned if I do, damned if I don't position. So I feel pretty confident he reads it and knows I mean him.
Given the specific circumstances, I think I did the right thing. But I continue to wish I had an easier out. However, in this case, trying to avoid the subject was actively creating worse problems than confessing. So "it sucks to be me" and all that.
Whatever you decide, best of luck. This is never an easy situation.
posted by Michele in California at 3:45 PM on August 10, 2012
I had a string of unconventional relationships during my divorce and other odd situations as a youth. I have blogged about my feelings for a man I am acquainted with in part to notify him of how I really feel but do so obliquely, where he doesn't have to deal with it directly. As others suggested, I did so to clear up a problem. He has never acknowledged that he reads my blog and knows I am talking about him, but he has stopped picking fights with me and putting me in a damned if I do, damned if I don't position. So I feel pretty confident he reads it and knows I mean him.
Given the specific circumstances, I think I did the right thing. But I continue to wish I had an easier out. However, in this case, trying to avoid the subject was actively creating worse problems than confessing. So "it sucks to be me" and all that.
Whatever you decide, best of luck. This is never an easy situation.
posted by Michele in California at 3:45 PM on August 10, 2012
I hope to turn our dynamic into a respectful/playful acknowledgement...
This sounds like a euphemistic way of saying you would like to start openly flirting with each other. Say he is really into it. Have you considered how his girlfriend, and your boyfriend, would feel about that? If so, is that important to you? I had a close (I thought) friend who was a little too "playful" with my boyfriend for years. It kind of always stressed me out and made me feel uneasy, but I brushed it off as "she's my good friend, it's just joking, she would never do anything with him." Within days of when he broke up with me and broke my heart, she was all over him. Realizing what had been up all along was one of the most hurtful things that ever happened to me. Please consider the feelings of everyone else here, rather than just what would feel better for you.
...so that all this energy I feel has a positive outlet for everyone,
This strikes me as very dishonest framing. It is couching your desire to do something that usually results in awkwardness, worry, or pain for most humans, as something totally altruistic that you're doing for everyone else's happiness!! I worry that it is very easy for you to justify selfish actions to yourself by couching them in kind of hot-tub-guru, new-agey language. My advice is to really take a look at this and be honest about it when you really are doing things just because they are what YOU want. A more honest way of operating in life is usually the best way.
posted by cairdeas at 11:16 PM on August 10, 2012 [14 favorites]
This sounds like a euphemistic way of saying you would like to start openly flirting with each other. Say he is really into it. Have you considered how his girlfriend, and your boyfriend, would feel about that? If so, is that important to you? I had a close (I thought) friend who was a little too "playful" with my boyfriend for years. It kind of always stressed me out and made me feel uneasy, but I brushed it off as "she's my good friend, it's just joking, she would never do anything with him." Within days of when he broke up with me and broke my heart, she was all over him. Realizing what had been up all along was one of the most hurtful things that ever happened to me. Please consider the feelings of everyone else here, rather than just what would feel better for you.
...so that all this energy I feel has a positive outlet for everyone,
This strikes me as very dishonest framing. It is couching your desire to do something that usually results in awkwardness, worry, or pain for most humans, as something totally altruistic that you're doing for everyone else's happiness!! I worry that it is very easy for you to justify selfish actions to yourself by couching them in kind of hot-tub-guru, new-agey language. My advice is to really take a look at this and be honest about it when you really are doing things just because they are what YOU want. A more honest way of operating in life is usually the best way.
posted by cairdeas at 11:16 PM on August 10, 2012 [14 favorites]
Do you seriously think he hasn't picked up on this? He has, and so has his girlfriend and everyone else who's been in the same room with the two of you.
You've already made yourself look foolish. Either move right in on him and take the hurt when he throws you under the bus or grow up and move on.
If you're going to flirt in a sexy way with a man, don't be surprised if he takes you up on it - and don't cry if he dumps you after he's through playing with you if YOU were the one who just wouldn't leave him alone.
posted by aryma at 11:38 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
You've already made yourself look foolish. Either move right in on him and take the hurt when he throws you under the bus or grow up and move on.
If you're going to flirt in a sexy way with a man, don't be surprised if he takes you up on it - and don't cry if he dumps you after he's through playing with you if YOU were the one who just wouldn't leave him alone.
posted by aryma at 11:38 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
If the norms of your community are so well understood, then why do you have to ask?
If you are so distinctly different from the mainstream, why would you ask a bunch of squares on the internet?
This doesn't add up. You might want to reconsider what people here are saying to you; they're listening to you but you're not listening to them.
posted by AV at 6:30 AM on August 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
If you are so distinctly different from the mainstream, why would you ask a bunch of squares on the internet?
This doesn't add up. You might want to reconsider what people here are saying to you; they're listening to you but you're not listening to them.
posted by AV at 6:30 AM on August 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
OP, if you are still reading - you mentioned you don't have close family that you could talk through this with. This, and reading some of your previous questions, leads me to believe that you weren't taught conventional workplace or social norms in your family of origin. And that's OK - there are a lot of us from dysfunctional families, and some of us have parents who are abusive, socially unskilled, or have undiagnosed learning disabilities and don't model correct behavior for their kids. (Example: a kid I knew in high school was ostracized for picking his nose in public. Turns out his dad STILL picked his nose in public where all could see it! Kid wasn't taught that this is not acceptable behavior in a social situation, much to his detriment.)
In this case, you have to learn social norms from scratch. In addition to regular therapy, I recommend group therapy work - whether through a group that meets regularly at a mental health center, a twelve-step support group, a general "Children Of..." support group or a MeetUp (there are MeetUps for people with social anxiety, so I believe there would be ones for people dealing with other issues to work through.) I strongly suggest a group so that you get a group perspective, outside your own tight little circle, of what is considered conventionally acceptable behavior. A group can give you good feedback and coaching. With a group, you also can see how others act in various situations. And you will be sheltered while you are still learning.
Assuming you are in medical school or some other "hothouse" professional program, you aren't going to be there forever. You are going to go out into the working world where blatant flirting and sexy horseplay is NOT permitted. It's not going to go over well if you tell a co-worker at a hospital or doctor's office that you want to nuzzle his neck and tickle him because he's mmm-delicious! Even if by chance your target doesn't mind, any spectators most certainly will (see: "hostile working environment). You are not going to stay in a "hippie ashram" bubble forever, and these kind of actions could get you into real, career-derailing trouble in the world outside.
Something you might want to read, as it is also a great teaching tool, is Miss Manner's Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. MeFi user tel3path has recommended it in the past and I got myself a copy and it is a terrific roadmap for politeness, setting proper boundaries with yourself and others, workplace etiquette, and romantic relationships.
So yes - definitely therapy and group work. It's not your fault you didn't learn this from family and don't have family to lean upon - many people don't, either! But it is important that you DO learn.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:10 AM on August 11, 2012 [9 favorites]
In this case, you have to learn social norms from scratch. In addition to regular therapy, I recommend group therapy work - whether through a group that meets regularly at a mental health center, a twelve-step support group, a general "Children Of..." support group or a MeetUp (there are MeetUps for people with social anxiety, so I believe there would be ones for people dealing with other issues to work through.) I strongly suggest a group so that you get a group perspective, outside your own tight little circle, of what is considered conventionally acceptable behavior. A group can give you good feedback and coaching. With a group, you also can see how others act in various situations. And you will be sheltered while you are still learning.
Assuming you are in medical school or some other "hothouse" professional program, you aren't going to be there forever. You are going to go out into the working world where blatant flirting and sexy horseplay is NOT permitted. It's not going to go over well if you tell a co-worker at a hospital or doctor's office that you want to nuzzle his neck and tickle him because he's mmm-delicious! Even if by chance your target doesn't mind, any spectators most certainly will (see: "hostile working environment). You are not going to stay in a "hippie ashram" bubble forever, and these kind of actions could get you into real, career-derailing trouble in the world outside.
Something you might want to read, as it is also a great teaching tool, is Miss Manner's Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. MeFi user tel3path has recommended it in the past and I got myself a copy and it is a terrific roadmap for politeness, setting proper boundaries with yourself and others, workplace etiquette, and romantic relationships.
So yes - definitely therapy and group work. It's not your fault you didn't learn this from family and don't have family to lean upon - many people don't, either! But it is important that you DO learn.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:10 AM on August 11, 2012 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: Update - he broke up with his girlfriend and I stopped seeing the guy I'd been dating (who wasn't ever officially my boyfriend), I told him my feelings and he has been pursuing me. So, I get that there was miscommunication in this thread but I'm not as nutz as some of you may have thought.
posted by dolce_voce at 12:13 AM on September 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by dolce_voce at 12:13 AM on September 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't think the reason for the miscommunication was that people didn't think this guy would be into you.
My read was that people were telling you that doing this would cause drama.
It sounds like we were right.
posted by Sara C. at 12:16 AM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
My read was that people were telling you that doing this would cause drama.
It sounds like we were right.
posted by Sara C. at 12:16 AM on September 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: There was no drama involved, actually. Not sure where you for that idea.
posted by dolce_voce at 12:18 AM on September 18, 2012
posted by dolce_voce at 12:18 AM on September 18, 2012
Two breakups sounds like drama to me, but this is clearly chat, so I'll stop there.
posted by Sara C. at 12:46 AM on September 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 12:46 AM on September 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
Not sure why you feel the need to try to convince us that you were right and all of metafilter was wrong, but yeah, people weren't questioning so much whether he might like you as whether pursuing him was a bad idea because you were both in relationships with other people. You guys apparently ended those relationships, so, you know, go for it... but it still wouldn't have been cool to do this before, and your claim that everyone could be happy in those other relationships with you just voicing your crush and attraction because you're all hippies or something was plainly wrong (as evidenced by the breakups). It's ok if your motivation was really to break them up, but people here aren't going to give that kind of thing their blessing, and you just make everything harder when you pretend your motivation is something else.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:48 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 5:48 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
It was more that everyone thought you were being a creeper, actually.
posted by elizardbits at 8:38 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 8:38 AM on September 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
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posted by grouse at 10:58 AM on August 10, 2012 [101 favorites]