Post-Traumatic In-Law Disorder?
August 6, 2012 12:11 PM Subscribe
An in-law said a bunch of hurtful things to me and now I can't get over it. How do I get past anger and resentment—and the worry that the in-law's hostility to me will harm my kids—so we can get on with the business of being a family?
Nearly a year ago an in-law with whom I am not particularly close, but who I previously felt no animosity towards, and I had a serious falling out. Over the course of a couple of days during a family visit they became more and more irritated with me, and eventually freaked out in a very public way over what seemed to me (and what others confirmed) was an innocuous, offhand, and unserious remark. In my attempts to smooth over the situation in the following couple days I apparently made things much worse. The devolution of events eventually left me on the receiving end of a tirade containing a laundry list of things reasons why I am an awful person. Following this I cut off all contact and have not communicated with my in-law at all in nearly a year.
Now we have been invited to join in a family event and I realize I am nowhere close to being able to put this behind me. I don't want to see my in-law, nor do I want to have contact of any kind with them. Neither do I want to subject my kids to the hostility and negativity I am afraid we may encounter from the in-law at this event. So I do not want to participate, and neither do I want my partner (the in-law is married to a sibling of my partner) to go alone with the kids, because I don't want them around the in-law either. (My partner will respect my wishes in this matter, but is understandably upset about the whole thing.)
While we can probably invent some excuse to miss the family this time, it's clear that in the long term I have to find a way to move on. I want the kids to see aunts and uncles and grandparents on this side of the family; I want to see people on this side of the family too (just not the inlaw). Normally I'm pretty quick to forgive and forget, but something about this particular instance just seems impossible to get over. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like I did nothing wrong and that every attempt to be nice and apologetic and try to reconcile only made the situation worse. Maybe it's just because, although I'm sure the in-law is not the first person I've known who didn't really like me, I've never had someone tell me so directly that they think I'm an asshole. Maybe some of it is that I feel a little like just moving on and acting like I'm ok with everything that happened means giving in to a bully.
So, knowing that avoiding the problem won't make it go away, but also that it will probably never be really resolved, how do I get over the hurt and anger I still feel? How do I help my kids and partner (and self) to have a normal (extended) family life after such an ugly incident?
Nearly a year ago an in-law with whom I am not particularly close, but who I previously felt no animosity towards, and I had a serious falling out. Over the course of a couple of days during a family visit they became more and more irritated with me, and eventually freaked out in a very public way over what seemed to me (and what others confirmed) was an innocuous, offhand, and unserious remark. In my attempts to smooth over the situation in the following couple days I apparently made things much worse. The devolution of events eventually left me on the receiving end of a tirade containing a laundry list of things reasons why I am an awful person. Following this I cut off all contact and have not communicated with my in-law at all in nearly a year.
Now we have been invited to join in a family event and I realize I am nowhere close to being able to put this behind me. I don't want to see my in-law, nor do I want to have contact of any kind with them. Neither do I want to subject my kids to the hostility and negativity I am afraid we may encounter from the in-law at this event. So I do not want to participate, and neither do I want my partner (the in-law is married to a sibling of my partner) to go alone with the kids, because I don't want them around the in-law either. (My partner will respect my wishes in this matter, but is understandably upset about the whole thing.)
While we can probably invent some excuse to miss the family this time, it's clear that in the long term I have to find a way to move on. I want the kids to see aunts and uncles and grandparents on this side of the family; I want to see people on this side of the family too (just not the inlaw). Normally I'm pretty quick to forgive and forget, but something about this particular instance just seems impossible to get over. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like I did nothing wrong and that every attempt to be nice and apologetic and try to reconcile only made the situation worse. Maybe it's just because, although I'm sure the in-law is not the first person I've known who didn't really like me, I've never had someone tell me so directly that they think I'm an asshole. Maybe some of it is that I feel a little like just moving on and acting like I'm ok with everything that happened means giving in to a bully.
So, knowing that avoiding the problem won't make it go away, but also that it will probably never be really resolved, how do I get over the hurt and anger I still feel? How do I help my kids and partner (and self) to have a normal (extended) family life after such an ugly incident?
I don't want to sound really harsh, and I hope you will take this as kindly as possible:
I think that your children, their relationship with their extended family, and your relationship with your partner will all be better served by trying to let this blow over, rather than trying to make this a stand against a bully. You are doing them a disservice if you teach them to overreact to slights from other people.
I think that people I know who are happiest are also very often good at disengaging from this type of interpersonal drama. I think that, inasmuch as you are capable, letting your kids and your partner move past this without drama or explicit resolution is a good solution. Do not teach your kids that they need to stand and fight every time there is a dispute.
People will say stupid, hurtful, thoughtless things, and the right lesson for your kids is to let them roll off your back - not engage.
[If this develops into a pattern, that's a different story, but don't let one incident poison a family dynamic. It's way to high stakes to cut out a your partner's brother or sister in law over one fighty weekend.]
posted by mercredi at 12:22 PM on August 6, 2012 [28 favorites]
I think that your children, their relationship with their extended family, and your relationship with your partner will all be better served by trying to let this blow over, rather than trying to make this a stand against a bully. You are doing them a disservice if you teach them to overreact to slights from other people.
I think that people I know who are happiest are also very often good at disengaging from this type of interpersonal drama. I think that, inasmuch as you are capable, letting your kids and your partner move past this without drama or explicit resolution is a good solution. Do not teach your kids that they need to stand and fight every time there is a dispute.
People will say stupid, hurtful, thoughtless things, and the right lesson for your kids is to let them roll off your back - not engage.
[If this develops into a pattern, that's a different story, but don't let one incident poison a family dynamic. It's way to high stakes to cut out a your partner's brother or sister in law over one fighty weekend.]
posted by mercredi at 12:22 PM on August 6, 2012 [28 favorites]
...just moving on and acting like I'm ok with everything that happened means giving in to a bully.
"Moving on" doesn't deserve the minimizing word "just" in front of it. Moving on is hard, and it's worth doing. It's not small. But there's no need to pretend the conflict didn't happen. I think your best move is to go to the event, maintain your relationships with everyone else and keep your interactions with the problem in-law civil and minimal. Be a grown-up. Letting this nasty event ruin everything really would be giving into a bully.
posted by jon1270 at 12:24 PM on August 6, 2012 [10 favorites]
"Moving on" doesn't deserve the minimizing word "just" in front of it. Moving on is hard, and it's worth doing. It's not small. But there's no need to pretend the conflict didn't happen. I think your best move is to go to the event, maintain your relationships with everyone else and keep your interactions with the problem in-law civil and minimal. Be a grown-up. Letting this nasty event ruin everything really would be giving into a bully.
posted by jon1270 at 12:24 PM on August 6, 2012 [10 favorites]
While I understand that you don't want to see this person, and they probably don't want to see you, you should go to the family event for everyone else there who doesn't think you're an asshole.
You don't have to be okay with this one person. One thing to do is not to cause drama. You must rise above everything. I wouldn't go out of my way to interact with this person, but if your paths do cross, act non-committal. If this person wants to "talk it over" you don't have to. I'd even say, "I think that ship sailed. I'd rather not dredge it up." Then turn around and find someone else to talk to.
Have an exit plan if things get ugly. Perhaps leave kids with grandparents while you and your partner quietly go elsewhere.
You have given this person power if you're willing to avoid a whole family of people you enjoy based upon the actions of one person.
Go, anticipate having a great time and be so nice and gracious to everyone that if this person acts up, she'll only succeed in showing her ass.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:26 PM on August 6, 2012 [15 favorites]
You don't have to be okay with this one person. One thing to do is not to cause drama. You must rise above everything. I wouldn't go out of my way to interact with this person, but if your paths do cross, act non-committal. If this person wants to "talk it over" you don't have to. I'd even say, "I think that ship sailed. I'd rather not dredge it up." Then turn around and find someone else to talk to.
Have an exit plan if things get ugly. Perhaps leave kids with grandparents while you and your partner quietly go elsewhere.
You have given this person power if you're willing to avoid a whole family of people you enjoy based upon the actions of one person.
Go, anticipate having a great time and be so nice and gracious to everyone that if this person acts up, she'll only succeed in showing her ass.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:26 PM on August 6, 2012 [15 favorites]
So I do not want to participate, and neither do I want my partner (the in-law is married to a sibling of my partner) to go alone with the kids, because I don't want them around the in-law either.
Are you afraid this in-law will hurt your children or your partner in some way? If not, then it sounds more like a control thing than anything else, and I don't think it's fair of you to put your partner in the position of avoiding his/her entire family.
(My partner will respect my wishes in this matter, but is understandably upset about the whole thing.)
I am not sure what this means. Does this mean your partner is upset at the way in-law treated you? Or that partner is upset about the drama? There is a world of difference between a situation where your partner really has your back in this, and one where he/she just wants it all to go away.
A partner who totally had your back would have said "whoa, cool it, in-law, that's my partner you're talking to!" or would have gone to his/her sibling to say "hey your spouse was out of line and I want him/her to apologize to my partner!" But this would have happened a year ago.
If your partner doesn't have your back, then this isn't about how to deal with occasional encounters with one unpleasant in-law. It's an issue with your relationship with your partner.
posted by headnsouth at 12:43 PM on August 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
Are you afraid this in-law will hurt your children or your partner in some way? If not, then it sounds more like a control thing than anything else, and I don't think it's fair of you to put your partner in the position of avoiding his/her entire family.
(My partner will respect my wishes in this matter, but is understandably upset about the whole thing.)
I am not sure what this means. Does this mean your partner is upset at the way in-law treated you? Or that partner is upset about the drama? There is a world of difference between a situation where your partner really has your back in this, and one where he/she just wants it all to go away.
A partner who totally had your back would have said "whoa, cool it, in-law, that's my partner you're talking to!" or would have gone to his/her sibling to say "hey your spouse was out of line and I want him/her to apologize to my partner!" But this would have happened a year ago.
If your partner doesn't have your back, then this isn't about how to deal with occasional encounters with one unpleasant in-law. It's an issue with your relationship with your partner.
posted by headnsouth at 12:43 PM on August 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think your partner needs to proactively go to his/her sibling and say, "Your spouse said awful things to my spouse, and that's not ok. What are we going to do about this?" Both of these siblings (your partner and the in-law's spouse) are somewhat responsible for helping to smoothly integrate their partners into the family. Maybe your partner thinks s/he's doing enough by deferring to your wishes on this matter, but I think there's more for him/her to do.
Other than that, I think the way to move forward is to go to one family event, and then reevaluate. Spend time with the family, be as civil as you can toward this in-law, and see how it goes. Have a plan ahead of time--worked out with your partner--for what to do if the in-law says something nasty to you, or is somehow unpleasant towards your kids. Maybe you all leave. Maybe your partner confronts his/her sibling. Whatever makes sense to you.
And then, based on how that visit goes, you make a decision about the next visit, and then do the same for the next visit, and so on. Maybe you decide that it's worth having a big family gathering, even if it feels uncomfortable to be around the in-law. Maybe you decide that the in-law was behaving out of character, and you're willing to forgive and move on. Maybe you decide that you hate pretending to get along with the in-law, and so you make a plan that for the next big family event, you'll pop in and out--spend some time with the big group, spend some time as your own little family with your partner and kids--to maintain your sanity. Maybe you decide that the family dynamics aren't worth trying to change, and you just bow out of big family events in favor of smaller gatherings--just your family unit and the grandparents, or just your family unit and a couple siblings. Again, whatever makes sense to you.
I don't think you need to go nuclear right now and cut them off entirely, but I do think you need to be prepared to work with your partner to evaluate the situation and manage it in the way that's healthiest for you and your family.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:43 PM on August 6, 2012 [3 favorites]
Other than that, I think the way to move forward is to go to one family event, and then reevaluate. Spend time with the family, be as civil as you can toward this in-law, and see how it goes. Have a plan ahead of time--worked out with your partner--for what to do if the in-law says something nasty to you, or is somehow unpleasant towards your kids. Maybe you all leave. Maybe your partner confronts his/her sibling. Whatever makes sense to you.
And then, based on how that visit goes, you make a decision about the next visit, and then do the same for the next visit, and so on. Maybe you decide that it's worth having a big family gathering, even if it feels uncomfortable to be around the in-law. Maybe you decide that the in-law was behaving out of character, and you're willing to forgive and move on. Maybe you decide that you hate pretending to get along with the in-law, and so you make a plan that for the next big family event, you'll pop in and out--spend some time with the big group, spend some time as your own little family with your partner and kids--to maintain your sanity. Maybe you decide that the family dynamics aren't worth trying to change, and you just bow out of big family events in favor of smaller gatherings--just your family unit and the grandparents, or just your family unit and a couple siblings. Again, whatever makes sense to you.
I don't think you need to go nuclear right now and cut them off entirely, but I do think you need to be prepared to work with your partner to evaluate the situation and manage it in the way that's healthiest for you and your family.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:43 PM on August 6, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think the idea that others have already put forward is to change your perspective.
Right now you see acting civilly towards your in-law as giving up your principles, because what they did was unforgivable, and why should you have to be decent towards them after they acted like such a jerk, it's not right, etc. You feel like doing this will be "giving in" or "allowing them to believe what they did was OK, when it wasn't".
You must realize that it is highly unlikely that anything you do is going to change the mind of a person who is behaving badly, and efforts to try to "show them how wrong they are" just end up creating more stress and hurt. You don't have to make any further effort to apologize or be particularly kind to this person - if we accept your interpretation of the events, then you are not at fault here. Just tolerate their presence, that's all, and if they try to engage you, make your greatest effort not to engage back.
Shift your point of view and think of your actions as "being the bigger person", or "acting like the mature adult" or "rising above it" as other answers have put it, and you will be able to frame the issue so that you realize that rather than compromising your principles, you are adhering to them, and rather than letting the person get away with bad actions, you are simply doing the right thing to make peace within your family. What you're going to do is not about the relationship between you and your in-law, it's about the relationship between your family and your in-laws' family, and that is more important than a personal grudge.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:44 PM on August 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
Right now you see acting civilly towards your in-law as giving up your principles, because what they did was unforgivable, and why should you have to be decent towards them after they acted like such a jerk, it's not right, etc. You feel like doing this will be "giving in" or "allowing them to believe what they did was OK, when it wasn't".
You must realize that it is highly unlikely that anything you do is going to change the mind of a person who is behaving badly, and efforts to try to "show them how wrong they are" just end up creating more stress and hurt. You don't have to make any further effort to apologize or be particularly kind to this person - if we accept your interpretation of the events, then you are not at fault here. Just tolerate their presence, that's all, and if they try to engage you, make your greatest effort not to engage back.
Shift your point of view and think of your actions as "being the bigger person", or "acting like the mature adult" or "rising above it" as other answers have put it, and you will be able to frame the issue so that you realize that rather than compromising your principles, you are adhering to them, and rather than letting the person get away with bad actions, you are simply doing the right thing to make peace within your family. What you're going to do is not about the relationship between you and your in-law, it's about the relationship between your family and your in-laws' family, and that is more important than a personal grudge.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:44 PM on August 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
People who act like your in-law-- flipping out and sending you laundry lists of your shortcomings-- may appear to be rewarded for it socially, but look, everyone knows who flipped out and who made that list, and it wasn't you. In addition to all the other good advice, I'd suggest feeling sorry for that person because their behavior is embarrassing and surely reflects some kind of insecurity.
posted by BibiRose at 12:51 PM on August 6, 2012
posted by BibiRose at 12:51 PM on August 6, 2012
acting like I'm ok with everything that happened means giving in to a bully.
So, knowing that avoiding the problem won't make it go away, but also that it will probably never be really resolved,
What exactly happened? What exactly was the in-law's complaint about you? I ask because this may very well be something that could be resolved. And you may be reading it as the in-law trying to bully you, and it is really hard sometimes to release and back down when you think bullying is going on. But that may actually not be what is going on at all, it may end up being a situation where you find out what was really going on with the person, and you have a moment where you go "Ohhhh..." And most of your resentment goes away.
For example, the fact that their meltdown was triggered over what you describe as an "innocuous, offhand, and unserious remark" -- that makes me think that maybe you were saying something insensitive or hurtful. Not that you MEANT to just that is a possibility. And over the next several days when everything you said made things worse, you could have been saying things like "Calm down and it is just a joke. It is no big deal. You are being too sensitive" and things like that.
So to your perspective they are bullying you, but to their perspective you were bullying them and hurting them and just wouldn't stop and leave them alone, see what I mean? That is DEFINITELY something that could be solved if approached the right way.
Anyway that particular example I just gave is only an example, I'm not saying I think that's necessarily what went down, I just think we could do a better job of helping you to fix this with more detail of what happened and why they were saying they were mad at you, what your innocuous remark was, etc.
posted by cairdeas at 12:51 PM on August 6, 2012 [11 favorites]
So, knowing that avoiding the problem won't make it go away, but also that it will probably never be really resolved,
What exactly happened? What exactly was the in-law's complaint about you? I ask because this may very well be something that could be resolved. And you may be reading it as the in-law trying to bully you, and it is really hard sometimes to release and back down when you think bullying is going on. But that may actually not be what is going on at all, it may end up being a situation where you find out what was really going on with the person, and you have a moment where you go "Ohhhh..." And most of your resentment goes away.
For example, the fact that their meltdown was triggered over what you describe as an "innocuous, offhand, and unserious remark" -- that makes me think that maybe you were saying something insensitive or hurtful. Not that you MEANT to just that is a possibility. And over the next several days when everything you said made things worse, you could have been saying things like "Calm down and it is just a joke. It is no big deal. You are being too sensitive" and things like that.
So to your perspective they are bullying you, but to their perspective you were bullying them and hurting them and just wouldn't stop and leave them alone, see what I mean? That is DEFINITELY something that could be solved if approached the right way.
Anyway that particular example I just gave is only an example, I'm not saying I think that's necessarily what went down, I just think we could do a better job of helping you to fix this with more detail of what happened and why they were saying they were mad at you, what your innocuous remark was, etc.
posted by cairdeas at 12:51 PM on August 6, 2012 [11 favorites]
I'm feeling like there's a bit of missing information - namely, what the nature of the hurtful things and the nature of the innocuous remark were.
Not that I'm accusing you of making it up or anything; it's just that, I'd actually advise you a few different ways depending on whether:
a) you were all having a fallout over politics and the innocuous remark was "and then of COURSE you have these nutcases who don't trust Obama's birth certificate" and then your in-law freaked out because they were a birther, or if
b) you were having a fallout over something like, say, spanking, and your innocuous remark was "I don't think spanking's acceptable under any circumstances" and your in-law freaked out because they wanted to reserve the right to spank YOUR kids even if necessary.
What I'm getting at is: there are arguments and discussions where the best way to deal with it is just to agree to disagree for the sake of civility, agree to avoid future discussion of the topic, and give each other a clean slate, and then there are discussions where the best way to deal with it is to give someone a wide berth. I'm really not clear which of the two situations this one falls into, though, as I'm not clear what you discussed.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:51 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
Not that I'm accusing you of making it up or anything; it's just that, I'd actually advise you a few different ways depending on whether:
a) you were all having a fallout over politics and the innocuous remark was "and then of COURSE you have these nutcases who don't trust Obama's birth certificate" and then your in-law freaked out because they were a birther, or if
b) you were having a fallout over something like, say, spanking, and your innocuous remark was "I don't think spanking's acceptable under any circumstances" and your in-law freaked out because they wanted to reserve the right to spank YOUR kids even if necessary.
What I'm getting at is: there are arguments and discussions where the best way to deal with it is just to agree to disagree for the sake of civility, agree to avoid future discussion of the topic, and give each other a clean slate, and then there are discussions where the best way to deal with it is to give someone a wide berth. I'm really not clear which of the two situations this one falls into, though, as I'm not clear what you discussed.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:51 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
I don't want to see my in-law, nor do I want to have contact of any kind with them.
Right but that's really not how families work. I mean, barring some sort of fear of actual physical attack, it's understood that over the years family gatherings will occasionally result in some tension and unpleasantness, and that everyone will just do their best to rise to the occasion. "Families" are large, straggling, fluid groups of people that often include people we'd rather not socialize with typically. In a way that's part of what makes families good for us -- it trains you for other unpleasant encounters out in the world, among people who have even less incentive to respect or tolerate you.
Right now you have everyone more or less on your side, believing that the other party made a big stink out of nothing. You're going to make it a lot harder for them to maintain that position if you make an even more dramatic show of avoidance and intolerance.
People hide behind "what's best for their kids" a lot in situations like these, but your kids are going to have to get used to being around people who aren't that pleasant, and this is a chance for you to model good behavior for them.
posted by hermitosis at 1:50 PM on August 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
Right but that's really not how families work. I mean, barring some sort of fear of actual physical attack, it's understood that over the years family gatherings will occasionally result in some tension and unpleasantness, and that everyone will just do their best to rise to the occasion. "Families" are large, straggling, fluid groups of people that often include people we'd rather not socialize with typically. In a way that's part of what makes families good for us -- it trains you for other unpleasant encounters out in the world, among people who have even less incentive to respect or tolerate you.
Right now you have everyone more or less on your side, believing that the other party made a big stink out of nothing. You're going to make it a lot harder for them to maintain that position if you make an even more dramatic show of avoidance and intolerance.
People hide behind "what's best for their kids" a lot in situations like these, but your kids are going to have to get used to being around people who aren't that pleasant, and this is a chance for you to model good behavior for them.
posted by hermitosis at 1:50 PM on August 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
Oh yeah, if you did say something initially where an apology was called for, apologize now. It is hard to tell what happened here
In my attempts to smooth over the situation in the following couple days I apparently made things much worse.
But if you did minimize their feelings or act dismissive or something like that, again, apologize now.
posted by BibiRose at 1:51 PM on August 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
In my attempts to smooth over the situation in the following couple days I apparently made things much worse.
But if you did minimize their feelings or act dismissive or something like that, again, apologize now.
posted by BibiRose at 1:51 PM on August 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't mean this unkindly, because I really don't know what the situation is/was, but it just sounds like you're martyring yourself over this - except in really extreme cases, your hurt and anger over the incident should not color the relationships that your children and partner have with this in-law. There's a big difference between moving on and "giving into a bully" which is a great lesson for kids to learn -- avoidance, in this case, is clearly just leading to more souring of relations and feelings. I think there's a way to resolve this that doesn't end with everyone necessarily "liking" each other again and I'm really not sure why that hasn't happened if your partner is "upset" about this. Have the siblings discussed trying to resolve this?
posted by sm1tten at 2:31 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by sm1tten at 2:31 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
One of my in-laws recently said some not-so-nice things about me in front of my wife and kids (I wasn't there). I was really pissed off when I heard about it, and complained to my wife because she didn't even stand up for me at the time.
Last week there was an event in town that caters to a specific hobby that my in-law enjoys. Knowing that he has some health issues and can't drive, and knowing that his wife wouldn't want to go to the event with him, I called him up and invited him to go with me. He was taken aback by the invitation ("I never thought YOU would be into X!") but went with me and we had a decent time.
I don't say this to pat myself on the back, but rather to make a point: I chose to repay "evil" with "good" because I want my kids to have a life-long relationship with this man. I don't want the friction between him and me to make them miss out on having him in their lives. So I did what had to be done and consciously did something nice for him.. And guess what: I'm glad I did. The next time someone brings me up in conversation, he will say "Tacodave did the nicest thing for me..." I hope.
posted by tacodave at 3:03 PM on August 6, 2012 [12 favorites]
Last week there was an event in town that caters to a specific hobby that my in-law enjoys. Knowing that he has some health issues and can't drive, and knowing that his wife wouldn't want to go to the event with him, I called him up and invited him to go with me. He was taken aback by the invitation ("I never thought YOU would be into X!") but went with me and we had a decent time.
I don't say this to pat myself on the back, but rather to make a point: I chose to repay "evil" with "good" because I want my kids to have a life-long relationship with this man. I don't want the friction between him and me to make them miss out on having him in their lives. So I did what had to be done and consciously did something nice for him.. And guess what: I'm glad I did. The next time someone brings me up in conversation, he will say "Tacodave did the nicest thing for me..." I hope.
posted by tacodave at 3:03 PM on August 6, 2012 [12 favorites]
Maybe some of it is that I feel a little like just moving on and acting like I'm ok with everything that happened means giving in to a bully.
Keep your eye on the ball.
The ball in this case isn't justice, or acting on the principle of the thing, the ball is obtaining the best outcome. The ball is acting in your own best interests and those of your family.
posted by -harlequin- at 3:03 PM on August 6, 2012
Keep your eye on the ball.
The ball in this case isn't justice, or acting on the principle of the thing, the ball is obtaining the best outcome. The ball is acting in your own best interests and those of your family.
posted by -harlequin- at 3:03 PM on August 6, 2012
Also, setting aside the whole issue of moving past your anger and/or maybe repairing your relationship with the in-law, it sounds like the issue of the kids' involvement with this relative needs to be handled very differently.
Neither do I want to subject my kids to the hostility and negativity I am afraid we may encounter from the in-law at this event. So I do not want to participate, and neither do I want my partner (the in-law is married to a sibling of my partner) to go alone with the kids, because I don't want them around the in-law either.
-Has this relative directed anger and hostility towards the kids?
-Does the relative generally spew out anger and hostility *around* the kids in situations they are stuck in?
If the answer to both of these is no, then I see no reason at all to prevent your partner from going along with the kids, and no reason to not want the in-law around the kids. This seems like dragging the kids into the negative consequences of something between 2 adults that has nothing to do with them and would not otherwise affect them.
If you are afraid that the relative is just going to talk trash about you in front of the kids, then the partner should make it very clear to them before hand that the kids are to be left out of this and if it is even mentioned in front of them, then the 3 of them will leave.
With that, there is no reason to prevent the kids from going and I think it would be really wrong to do so.
posted by cairdeas at 3:27 PM on August 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
Neither do I want to subject my kids to the hostility and negativity I am afraid we may encounter from the in-law at this event. So I do not want to participate, and neither do I want my partner (the in-law is married to a sibling of my partner) to go alone with the kids, because I don't want them around the in-law either.
-Has this relative directed anger and hostility towards the kids?
-Does the relative generally spew out anger and hostility *around* the kids in situations they are stuck in?
If the answer to both of these is no, then I see no reason at all to prevent your partner from going along with the kids, and no reason to not want the in-law around the kids. This seems like dragging the kids into the negative consequences of something between 2 adults that has nothing to do with them and would not otherwise affect them.
If you are afraid that the relative is just going to talk trash about you in front of the kids, then the partner should make it very clear to them before hand that the kids are to be left out of this and if it is even mentioned in front of them, then the 3 of them will leave.
With that, there is no reason to prevent the kids from going and I think it would be really wrong to do so.
posted by cairdeas at 3:27 PM on August 6, 2012 [4 favorites]
Well, y'know, part of winning this is being the person who can interact with everyone else, even if you're cold to the in-law. It sounds like — if the comment truly was innocuous — that they showed their ass a lot more than you did, so the way you beat them is by being nonchalant about the fact that you know they're an asshole.
Plus, your kids are going to have to deal with a lot of assholes in their lives, and chances are they'll even be related to some. So modeling good behavior here can help them in the long term when they hit the inevitable shit-heel.
posted by klangklangston at 5:17 PM on August 6, 2012
Plus, your kids are going to have to deal with a lot of assholes in their lives, and chances are they'll even be related to some. So modeling good behavior here can help them in the long term when they hit the inevitable shit-heel.
posted by klangklangston at 5:17 PM on August 6, 2012
So, knowing that avoiding the problem won't make it go away, but also that it will probably never be really resolved, how do I get over the hurt and anger I still feel? How do I help my kids and partner (and self) to have a normal (extended) family life after such an ugly incident?
The easy but hard answer is: you attend the event, be in the same room with this person (you don't have to speak to them) and, by doing it, you learn how to have a normal extended family life. There may be tension, hopefully there won't be another confrontation, but you will at least start to figure how you're going to handle this relationship in the long run. You gotta practice. Talk with your spouse about your concerns and figure out how they can help you avoid a confrontation. Just remember you can always quietly, calmly excuse yourself from any conversation or any room where you don't want to be. My feeling is this person won't want to engage with you either. There's no way of knowing exactly how they're going to act/how you're going to react until you put yourself in it.
Neither do I want to subject my kids to the hostility and negativity I am afraid we may encounter from the in-law at this event.
If you haven't had contact with this person in a year, do you have any evidence that this hostility or negativity will actually happen? You were obviously hurt very deeply, but was anyone else in your family so deeply affected? Is anyone else still talking or thinking about this event a year later? I can't tell from your question, but if you have been stewing about this for a year and not talking to anyone about your anxiety, it may be much more real to you than to anyone else in your family, your spouse included. If you don't go and also forbid your spouse or children from going, you run the risk of being seen as the crazy in-law who won't let the grandparents see the grandchildren because she got in a fight with so and so. Moving on is really hard especially if it feels like no one understands why you were so hurt or even gets that you were hurt at all, but it is very admirable (and it may take a little while). Also, this is why you need to talk to your spouse so they can understand the depth of your hurt, shield you from interacting with that person if necessary and give a little pat on the back for grinning and bearing it like a champ.
posted by dahliachewswell at 7:36 PM on August 6, 2012
The easy but hard answer is: you attend the event, be in the same room with this person (you don't have to speak to them) and, by doing it, you learn how to have a normal extended family life. There may be tension, hopefully there won't be another confrontation, but you will at least start to figure how you're going to handle this relationship in the long run. You gotta practice. Talk with your spouse about your concerns and figure out how they can help you avoid a confrontation. Just remember you can always quietly, calmly excuse yourself from any conversation or any room where you don't want to be. My feeling is this person won't want to engage with you either. There's no way of knowing exactly how they're going to act/how you're going to react until you put yourself in it.
Neither do I want to subject my kids to the hostility and negativity I am afraid we may encounter from the in-law at this event.
If you haven't had contact with this person in a year, do you have any evidence that this hostility or negativity will actually happen? You were obviously hurt very deeply, but was anyone else in your family so deeply affected? Is anyone else still talking or thinking about this event a year later? I can't tell from your question, but if you have been stewing about this for a year and not talking to anyone about your anxiety, it may be much more real to you than to anyone else in your family, your spouse included. If you don't go and also forbid your spouse or children from going, you run the risk of being seen as the crazy in-law who won't let the grandparents see the grandchildren because she got in a fight with so and so. Moving on is really hard especially if it feels like no one understands why you were so hurt or even gets that you were hurt at all, but it is very admirable (and it may take a little while). Also, this is why you need to talk to your spouse so they can understand the depth of your hurt, shield you from interacting with that person if necessary and give a little pat on the back for grinning and bearing it like a champ.
posted by dahliachewswell at 7:36 PM on August 6, 2012
My sense from what you wrote was that you've some wariness about the person launching into another tirade, possibly doing so in front of your kids... which seems not unreasonable on your part.
Me? I'd ask my partner to talk to the person in question and get assurances that all will be civil (tho I could appreciate some wariness on your part that the person would say the right things to your partner, get uncivil at the event). If your partner doesn't want to do that, that's another issue....)
Failing that, I wouldn't go.
I entirely reject the broader concept that this is how families work and stuff like that. If the person's that far out there and your partner won't talk to 'em/they won't give assurances that they'll behave, don't go.
posted by ambient2 at 1:42 AM on August 7, 2012 [5 favorites]
Me? I'd ask my partner to talk to the person in question and get assurances that all will be civil (tho I could appreciate some wariness on your part that the person would say the right things to your partner, get uncivil at the event). If your partner doesn't want to do that, that's another issue....)
Failing that, I wouldn't go.
I entirely reject the broader concept that this is how families work and stuff like that. If the person's that far out there and your partner won't talk to 'em/they won't give assurances that they'll behave, don't go.
posted by ambient2 at 1:42 AM on August 7, 2012 [5 favorites]
I have to agree with ambient2. I do appreciate cairdeas' point that we need to know more about the nature of the disagreement.
However, if what happened here truly was a case of one person attacking another, I am someone who's completely run out of energy for being the bigger person. It doesn't get me anything but more verbal abuse. I'd rather be the gone person than the bigger person. I especially don't see why you should put up with that happening when your kids are around.
So, first do what cairdeas said, and if need be, do what ambient2 said.
posted by tel3path at 3:03 AM on August 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
However, if what happened here truly was a case of one person attacking another, I am someone who's completely run out of energy for being the bigger person. It doesn't get me anything but more verbal abuse. I'd rather be the gone person than the bigger person. I especially don't see why you should put up with that happening when your kids are around.
So, first do what cairdeas said, and if need be, do what ambient2 said.
posted by tel3path at 3:03 AM on August 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
...but on reflection, maybe that's not so great of me. Everyone else's advice is a lot closer to "greet your enemies in the marketplace" than mine is. So maybe you should go, and be above the argument, but not without trying to work it out with them first.
posted by tel3path at 3:09 AM on August 7, 2012
posted by tel3path at 3:09 AM on August 7, 2012
I really don't see why people hang out with people they don't like, even for their children. There is no reason why you should have to be exposed to rudeness, again. Let your kids know what happened and that you don't want to participate as long as there are hurtful and rude people there, they can go with their dad, or not go at all if they choose. I just don't understand why anyone would put up a front, which is basically a big fat lie in front of your kids! How is that modeling good behavior for them? Live a life of truth and dignity and don't cow tow to jerks, and always be honest with your kids (without using expletives, of course). Maybe you can go to a massage or something instead, be seriously kind to yourself--rather than hurt, confused and bullied-- and your kids will love you for it.
posted by waving at 12:38 PM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 12:38 PM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]
Actually going to the event will help. You will see the relative and take the upper road. Be polite, but no more. If the relative starts to act up, don't say anything, just leave the situation. If the person doesn't have the audience they want, it will blow over. (This is how I deal with seeing my father at family reunions.)
As someone said up-thread - your kids need to learn to deal with unpleasant people. Keeping calm, cool and collected is exactly what you need to show them.
posted by deborah at 2:53 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
As someone said up-thread - your kids need to learn to deal with unpleasant people. Keeping calm, cool and collected is exactly what you need to show them.
posted by deborah at 2:53 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
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I mean, I really don't see why you should have to or want to get over the hurt and anger this person has caused you. They behaved like an arse. And yes, I agree with you that if you just let this slide, in-law will think this was completely acceptable and probably not stop behaving like this. Life's too short to waste it on arseholes, related or not.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:22 PM on August 6, 2012 [12 favorites]