Ex reluctant to move out
August 5, 2012 9:45 AM Subscribe
How can I get my ex out of the apartment ASAP?
My partner of several years and I have split. The atmosphere at home is horrible for both of us, and it makes sense to me that he should move out ASAP. He's saying he'll stay for the rest of the month. It’s August 4.
This place is a one-bedroom, and the bedroom is rented out. So my ex and I have to share a room and a half, which felt small even when we were getting along. We also have to share a bed.
He's broke. He hasn’t worked in 18 months and his unemployment ran out early this year. He won’t say who’s been paying his rent, because it’s none of my business.
So I offered him money (gift, not loan) to help him rent a room or apartment, so he can leave sooner. He refused it. I offered it as a loan. He refused it. I framed it as repayment for his contributions to repairs to my car. He said he'd think about that, but not now. Apparently he doesn’t want to go.
This makes no sense to me. He is hostile to me, but won’t go.
I'm not quite as broke as he is; I've saved up money for an emergency, and this feels like an emergency. [I offered to leave the apartment to him and move out, but neither of us took that seriously, as I lived here for years before we met and because the dogs are my responsibility, which makes it difficult for me to move. He’s leaving his dog behind, because “legally, she’s yours.”]
What else should I try? How can I frame an offer of money so that he'll leave? It baffles me that he’s insisting on staying, when he is so unhappy and uncommunicative.
Even in couples therapy today he wouldn’t speak directly to me, so this is really difficult to negotiate.
Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
My partner of several years and I have split. The atmosphere at home is horrible for both of us, and it makes sense to me that he should move out ASAP. He's saying he'll stay for the rest of the month. It’s August 4.
This place is a one-bedroom, and the bedroom is rented out. So my ex and I have to share a room and a half, which felt small even when we were getting along. We also have to share a bed.
He's broke. He hasn’t worked in 18 months and his unemployment ran out early this year. He won’t say who’s been paying his rent, because it’s none of my business.
So I offered him money (gift, not loan) to help him rent a room or apartment, so he can leave sooner. He refused it. I offered it as a loan. He refused it. I framed it as repayment for his contributions to repairs to my car. He said he'd think about that, but not now. Apparently he doesn’t want to go.
This makes no sense to me. He is hostile to me, but won’t go.
I'm not quite as broke as he is; I've saved up money for an emergency, and this feels like an emergency. [I offered to leave the apartment to him and move out, but neither of us took that seriously, as I lived here for years before we met and because the dogs are my responsibility, which makes it difficult for me to move. He’s leaving his dog behind, because “legally, she’s yours.”]
What else should I try? How can I frame an offer of money so that he'll leave? It baffles me that he’s insisting on staying, when he is so unhappy and uncommunicative.
Even in couples therapy today he wouldn’t speak directly to me, so this is really difficult to negotiate.
Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
Take your spare cash and find a hotel for two weeks/a month. If he's not gone when you get back, he doesn't intend to leave and you should take seriously the option of moving out yourself.
posted by jacalata at 9:51 AM on August 5, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by jacalata at 9:51 AM on August 5, 2012 [11 favorites]
It is an emergency. Can you move somewhere else for the next three weeks, with or without the dogs (presuming you trust him not to neglect them, damage your stuff or trash the apartment)?
posted by carmicha at 9:51 AM on August 5, 2012
posted by carmicha at 9:51 AM on August 5, 2012
It may be difficult to move with dogs, but it will probably be easier than convincing him to move on your timetable. You can't control his actions, but you can control your own. If you can't stand him until the end of the month and want to be free of him, take the option of you moving out more seriously. Can you get out of your lease?
posted by lilac girl at 9:52 AM on August 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by lilac girl at 9:52 AM on August 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Not knowing where you are--I am doubtful he can be evicted as opined by one of the posters--regardless of whose name is on the lease. Eviction is essentially a civil matter--in most places a tenant/room mate/partner can only be forcibly removed if there has been abuse/violence/specific threats/etc. I would go woth the camp that suggests you temporarily relocate if reasonable negotiations with him have broken down.
posted by rmhsinc at 10:09 AM on August 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by rmhsinc at 10:09 AM on August 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think this sounds like an impending disaster. Unless you're the only one on the lease, I don't think you'll be able to get him out.
I would also advise that you not make any offers you don't mean - he may be waiting for you to find the possibility of moving out more attractive. If you are renting a one bedroom, and renting out the bedroom, I imagine the rent there is lower than he could get alone. If he's broke, I bet he's wanting to hang onto it.
But sharing a room and a bed is a recipe for disaster. You may want to look into your own options.
posted by corb at 10:11 AM on August 5, 2012
I would also advise that you not make any offers you don't mean - he may be waiting for you to find the possibility of moving out more attractive. If you are renting a one bedroom, and renting out the bedroom, I imagine the rent there is lower than he could get alone. If he's broke, I bet he's wanting to hang onto it.
But sharing a room and a bed is a recipe for disaster. You may want to look into your own options.
posted by corb at 10:11 AM on August 5, 2012
You really need to consult a lawyer or someone else who's experienced with the law in your area. If you were in California, my understanding is that you might have zero legal leverage to force him to move out (regardless of whether his name is on the lease), but there's no way of knowing what the law is where you are.
posted by Lexica at 10:23 AM on August 5, 2012
posted by Lexica at 10:23 AM on August 5, 2012
Leave for a month for your own safety and sanity. Spend that time looking for alternate housing. I suspect he's paying his own rent and is not as broke as he let's on. He's only staying to mess with you, once you remove yourself from the equation (NO contact) he'll leave.
posted by fshgrl at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2012
posted by fshgrl at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2012
it makes sense to me that he should move out ASAP. He's saying he'll stay for the rest of the month. It’s August 4.
From his side: it makes sense to him that he should stay till Sept. 1st. He's already paid for this month.
What do you reasonably expect to be able to do about it, other than find somewhere else to stay as often as possible throughout the month? Crash with friends, that's what friends are for during difficult times such as these. Also ask your friends if you can store some of your more valuable items with them until he's out.
posted by hermitosis at 10:27 AM on August 5, 2012 [9 favorites]
From his side: it makes sense to him that he should stay till Sept. 1st. He's already paid for this month.
What do you reasonably expect to be able to do about it, other than find somewhere else to stay as often as possible throughout the month? Crash with friends, that's what friends are for during difficult times such as these. Also ask your friends if you can store some of your more valuable items with them until he's out.
posted by hermitosis at 10:27 AM on August 5, 2012 [9 favorites]
If you have enough money to bribe him to leave, then you probably have enough to situate yourself somewhere else for the next three weeks.
posted by hermitosis at 10:28 AM on August 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 10:28 AM on August 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
Beyond exploring your legal options, I have this to say: you're still in couples therapy, which is unusual if you're both on the same page about splitting up. Is there a possibility that he still believes you'll be staying together? The refusal to leave, the refusal to provide details on the person paying his rent, the refusal to look at you in couples therapy; all of these suggest that he believes you will let him stay past the end of the month, if he just avoids direct confrontation until this whole thing blows over. Even if he says otherwise, this might be what he believes.
So, the quickest way to getting him out is to go to couples therapy again, and start the session with "As far as I'm concerned we have already broken up, and all that remains to be resolved is his departure from the apartment. Yet, here we are still going to couples therapy as if there was a chance we will not break up, and you are refusing to leave the apartment. So what I want to talk about today in therapy is this: do you realize we've already broken up, and why won't you leave the apartment, even when I offer to give you money to do so?"
Then let the therapist work on drawing him out on this for the session.
posted by davejay at 10:34 AM on August 5, 2012 [35 favorites]
So, the quickest way to getting him out is to go to couples therapy again, and start the session with "As far as I'm concerned we have already broken up, and all that remains to be resolved is his departure from the apartment. Yet, here we are still going to couples therapy as if there was a chance we will not break up, and you are refusing to leave the apartment. So what I want to talk about today in therapy is this: do you realize we've already broken up, and why won't you leave the apartment, even when I offer to give you money to do so?"
Then let the therapist work on drawing him out on this for the session.
posted by davejay at 10:34 AM on August 5, 2012 [35 favorites]
And then go and stay someplace he can't find you for a while in case he flips the fuck out. Ideally until he's left and turned in his key.
posted by fshgrl at 10:39 AM on August 5, 2012
posted by fshgrl at 10:39 AM on August 5, 2012
He doesn't think you're serious about the breakup. And as noted above, why are you still in couples therapy?
I think you need to be prepared to break the lease and both move.
I would be wary of taking his dog, which could give him an excuse for continued contact.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:44 AM on August 5, 2012
I think you need to be prepared to break the lease and both move.
I would be wary of taking his dog, which could give him an excuse for continued contact.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:44 AM on August 5, 2012
It's 26 days. If you're not in danger, suck it up. Do not absent your home without legal advice.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:53 AM on August 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:53 AM on August 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
Apartments for Sept 1st are being advertised now. If he actually intends to move out at the end of the month, he should be looking for something right now and have something lined up in the next week or so.
If he's actually doing this (figuring out a place to stay for Sept 1) I think you should either suck it up in the apartment or crash at a friend's until he's gone (bring your valuables with you).
If he's not actively looking for a place to live, I agree with davejay that he doesn't think you're actually broken up.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 11:34 AM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
If he's actually doing this (figuring out a place to stay for Sept 1) I think you should either suck it up in the apartment or crash at a friend's until he's gone (bring your valuables with you).
If he's not actively looking for a place to live, I agree with davejay that he doesn't think you're actually broken up.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 11:34 AM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
Are you offering reimbursement of August rent plus some additional incentive? Have you made clear that this incentive will go away if he waits until September 1st? I'd try pointing out that you're going to spend this incentive money on a hotel for yourself if he doesn't go. (All this still may not work. Eviction can be hard. Me, I might start figuring out how to move myself.)
posted by salvia at 12:17 PM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 12:17 PM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
This sort of situation is a drama filled disaster waiting to happen.
The easiest solution is for you to move. Is that fair? Maybe not. But it's the truth.
posted by Justinian at 12:23 PM on August 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
The easiest solution is for you to move. Is that fair? Maybe not. But it's the truth.
posted by Justinian at 12:23 PM on August 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
Have you tried telling him to leave, rather than trying to persuade him to leave? "You need to find someplace else to live immediately." "You can't live here anymore." "This isn't working for me, you living here."
posted by desuetude at 12:26 PM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by desuetude at 12:26 PM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
As others have said it would be useful to knwo what the dela is is in terms of contracts and who is on them. Essentially this seems to boil down to wheter he is likely to actually go at the end of August, is there any guarantee of this? Can he just stay and all you can do is bang your head against a brick wall? Because if you can't force him out then there seems to be lots of potential for him to hang around like a bad smell. If you can't force him out then bail. Yes that might seem like giving in, but screw it, its only an apartment and it will be a hassle to move but it may be worth it to get this bum out of your life. Give notice to your landlord, find a new place, just for you and your dog and then go, he can pay or rot.
posted by biffa at 12:32 PM on August 5, 2012
posted by biffa at 12:32 PM on August 5, 2012
Your legal options depend greatly on what jurisdiction your are in. But where-ever you are, do not expect the law to act quickly. It will not take much legal wrangling for him to delay any action well beyond next month.
You only have two options. Either you leave, or you get him to leave. I would determine how much money you would spend if you moved. Then offer him half that amount. You say this is difficult to negotiate - but I don't see why this is a negotiation at all. You are deciding what action you need to take next. His response determines that action - but there is no negotiation.
The conversation goes like this: "Look, we need to separate. I am prepared to move. I would rather stay. If you move by x date, I will give you x amount of cash. If you do not move by that day, I will move the next date. When I move, I will close all utility accounts in my name, I will void the lease with the realtor - and you will be left with nothing."
Then you start preparing to move - your move out date is x date +1. If he moves before then, he gets paid, if not you move. You need to take action - start moving. And either he goes first, or you go as planned.
Or, you could let it drag along - both of you lingering in a state of inaction, while blaming the other for the lack of action.
You want change - YOU MUST ACT. Start moving out - and if he goes first, give him some money.
posted by Flood at 12:39 PM on August 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
You only have two options. Either you leave, or you get him to leave. I would determine how much money you would spend if you moved. Then offer him half that amount. You say this is difficult to negotiate - but I don't see why this is a negotiation at all. You are deciding what action you need to take next. His response determines that action - but there is no negotiation.
The conversation goes like this: "Look, we need to separate. I am prepared to move. I would rather stay. If you move by x date, I will give you x amount of cash. If you do not move by that day, I will move the next date. When I move, I will close all utility accounts in my name, I will void the lease with the realtor - and you will be left with nothing."
Then you start preparing to move - your move out date is x date +1. If he moves before then, he gets paid, if not you move. You need to take action - start moving. And either he goes first, or you go as planned.
Or, you could let it drag along - both of you lingering in a state of inaction, while blaming the other for the lack of action.
You want change - YOU MUST ACT. Start moving out - and if he goes first, give him some money.
posted by Flood at 12:39 PM on August 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
From your exes perspective, why would he rather than you move? His answer may be emotional rather than rational, but I guarantee there's some reason, possibly even the mirror image of why you think you should stay rather than move.
The answer for how to get him out will depend on your local laws, but in parallel on what each of you want and are comfortable with. And I imagine your ex, being broke and perhaps depressed, is not feeling like changing homes is the best option for him.
Having split up with a partner in not entirely different circumstances once, you are going to feel much, much better if you can live elsewhere. Sharing a bed or an apartment with someone you are broken up with sucks.
So I'm going to recommend that you first talk about the apartment in therapy, the safe place to talk about hard things, and if that doesn't resolve this, find your own place, either temporarily or permanently, so you minimize further unhappy time.
posted by zippy at 12:46 PM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
The answer for how to get him out will depend on your local laws, but in parallel on what each of you want and are comfortable with. And I imagine your ex, being broke and perhaps depressed, is not feeling like changing homes is the best option for him.
Having split up with a partner in not entirely different circumstances once, you are going to feel much, much better if you can live elsewhere. Sharing a bed or an apartment with someone you are broken up with sucks.
So I'm going to recommend that you first talk about the apartment in therapy, the safe place to talk about hard things, and if that doesn't resolve this, find your own place, either temporarily or permanently, so you minimize further unhappy time.
posted by zippy at 12:46 PM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
He’s leaving his dog behind, because “legally, she’s yours.”]
Also, what? From this, I don't think you can expect positive action from your ex. In therapy, say "dude, you want to leave me your dog? The one you brought into my home, just because (guessing here) I was the one who got her a license? What is your major malfunction?"
Ok, maybe that's not a productive line, but if the scenario with the dog is accurate, you're the only one in this unhappy mess who will initiate any kind of change, and it will be hard because ex won't be a willing helper. Moving out, while not fair to you, may be the least traumatic of options for you.
But on the plus side, your ex may not be motivated to defend his renter's rights, if he has any. I would read up on local law and possibly talk to a free tenants'' rights clinic about your options. There may be a way to work with your landlord to get your roomie out, but you'll want to learn more before exploring that option.
posted by zippy at 12:58 PM on August 5, 2012
Also, what? From this, I don't think you can expect positive action from your ex. In therapy, say "dude, you want to leave me your dog? The one you brought into my home, just because (guessing here) I was the one who got her a license? What is your major malfunction?"
Ok, maybe that's not a productive line, but if the scenario with the dog is accurate, you're the only one in this unhappy mess who will initiate any kind of change, and it will be hard because ex won't be a willing helper. Moving out, while not fair to you, may be the least traumatic of options for you.
But on the plus side, your ex may not be motivated to defend his renter's rights, if he has any. I would read up on local law and possibly talk to a free tenants'' rights clinic about your options. There may be a way to work with your landlord to get your roomie out, but you'll want to learn more before exploring that option.
posted by zippy at 12:58 PM on August 5, 2012
Don't forget to look out for yourself. And do not make any assumptions about what a cornered and wounded spurned partner will or will not do, especially if he's already exhibiting hostility and giving you the silent treatment in therapy.
Thinking of you leaving your belongings and especially dogs with this guy while you stay in a hotel makes me nervous. Obviously I don't know the guy (or you) but steer well around anything that looks like it could blow up into a Scene.
posted by TheRedArmy at 1:55 PM on August 5, 2012
Thinking of you leaving your belongings and especially dogs with this guy while you stay in a hotel makes me nervous. Obviously I don't know the guy (or you) but steer well around anything that looks like it could blow up into a Scene.
posted by TheRedArmy at 1:55 PM on August 5, 2012
When my ex and I split up (and it was fairly amicable, although upsetting and sad), she initially proposed various scenarios involving me moving out, or possibly we would take turns moving to a temporary place. Presumably this was because of the TV trope where it's always the guy who leaves the wife and kids, in the dead of night, in the rain. I wasn't able to understand why I should move out of my home, and I never did.
You haven't explained why it's so obvious that it's he who must move out by the end of the month, and not you.
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:59 PM on August 5, 2012 [7 favorites]
You haven't explained why it's so obvious that it's he who must move out by the end of the month, and not you.
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:59 PM on August 5, 2012 [7 favorites]
I'm reading responses about the guy possibly being violent, destroying stuff, or generally acting malevolently, but I don't see anything suggesting this in the original post. Would it be OK if we don't jump on anonymous's ex being violent, psycho, or destructive?
posted by zippy at 5:37 PM on August 5, 2012
posted by zippy at 5:37 PM on August 5, 2012
Jim2TAW the OP states "I offered to leave the apartment to him and move out, but neither of us took that seriously, as I lived here for years before we met and because the dogs are my responsibility, which makes it difficult for me to move. He’s leaving his dog behind, because “legally, she’s yours.”"
They've already decided she's keeping the apartment, he just hasn't left yet.
posted by fshgrl at 8:13 PM on August 5, 2012
They've already decided she's keeping the apartment, he just hasn't left yet.
posted by fshgrl at 8:13 PM on August 5, 2012
If she was there for many years prior to him, can afford it more than he can, and has fewer choices available for replacement living space (dogs), then it's entirely logical that she keep the apartment.
OP, could his combination of negativity and sticking around be some sort of revenge? If there's any possibility, I'd ask the therapist to help you find a way to unplug that element for him to get him out sooner.
Or maybe he thinks he's keeping you from someone else? I'd also ask the therapist for help in working through that one.
Possibly he feels he can't establish himself outside of the existing home and is loathe to start the process...? Do you have any mutual friends who might be able to hype him up on the idea?
I know lengthy unemployment can be related to or the cause of depression...if that has any part in this, then perhaps he's simply in an unreasonable state. And that would definitely be easier with the therapist's input.
I think, basically, that if he won't give you a reason or take the most logical action, it's down to getting help from the therapist. I'm wary of the friend idea, even with suggesting it. Your only other option seems to be taking the hit and moving yourself, chalking it up to one of the more unfortunate outcomes of this relationship ending.
posted by batmonkey at 9:10 PM on August 5, 2012
OP, could his combination of negativity and sticking around be some sort of revenge? If there's any possibility, I'd ask the therapist to help you find a way to unplug that element for him to get him out sooner.
Or maybe he thinks he's keeping you from someone else? I'd also ask the therapist for help in working through that one.
Possibly he feels he can't establish himself outside of the existing home and is loathe to start the process...? Do you have any mutual friends who might be able to hype him up on the idea?
I know lengthy unemployment can be related to or the cause of depression...if that has any part in this, then perhaps he's simply in an unreasonable state. And that would definitely be easier with the therapist's input.
I think, basically, that if he won't give you a reason or take the most logical action, it's down to getting help from the therapist. I'm wary of the friend idea, even with suggesting it. Your only other option seems to be taking the hit and moving yourself, chalking it up to one of the more unfortunate outcomes of this relationship ending.
posted by batmonkey at 9:10 PM on August 5, 2012
(I don't believe the OP identified as female anywhere in the post.)
I agree with others that you should consider offering to leave and ensure that your name is not on any bills or the lease.
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:55 PM on August 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with others that you should consider offering to leave and ensure that your name is not on any bills or the lease.
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:55 PM on August 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Do you care about him? 18 months of no work, hostile in therapy, unwilling to move in a literal sense, all sound pretty depressed. Can you say to him
Look, I can't deal with us sleeping together and living in the same space. I need to plan a place for me and the dogs to live. I'm going to leave the dogs with you for 2 full days, and stay elsewhere. When I come back, I will sit down with you to make a plan.
I feel pretty attached to this apartment, since I lived here before, and since I need a dog-friendly place. I will listen to however you feel, and I will try to find a fair solution.
Go stay with a friend, no contact, for 2 or 3 days. Check into the lease, and talk to the landlord to make sure there will be no hassles, meaning you will try to keep the landlord from being hassled, and you will get no hassle from the landlord. Maybe the therapist would have some ideas of ways to move forward. Check to see what options are available to bf, like friends' couches, Y, family, or whatever. Then come back and make a real plan.
posted by theora55 at 10:01 AM on August 6, 2012
Look, I can't deal with us sleeping together and living in the same space. I need to plan a place for me and the dogs to live. I'm going to leave the dogs with you for 2 full days, and stay elsewhere. When I come back, I will sit down with you to make a plan.
I feel pretty attached to this apartment, since I lived here before, and since I need a dog-friendly place. I will listen to however you feel, and I will try to find a fair solution.
Go stay with a friend, no contact, for 2 or 3 days. Check into the lease, and talk to the landlord to make sure there will be no hassles, meaning you will try to keep the landlord from being hassled, and you will get no hassle from the landlord. Maybe the therapist would have some ideas of ways to move forward. Check to see what options are available to bf, like friends' couches, Y, family, or whatever. Then come back and make a real plan.
posted by theora55 at 10:01 AM on August 6, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ys at 9:50 AM on August 5, 2012 [2 favorites]