emotional affairs are still cheating
August 3, 2012 5:53 PM Subscribe
What to do about an emotional affair?
posted by shesaysgo to Human Relations (43 answers total)
My girlfriend and I have been together for over six years now [we're high school sweethearts]. We've been through a lot together and surprisingly, we're still together. I love her to death and would do pretty much anything for her.
About a year or two ago, she started talking again to her ex-boyfriend. It seemed like they were just friends at first, until I came across her AIM logs and they were flirting and there were several cases of him telling her his sexual desires for her and she encouraged such behavior by saying things like "that's so hot." Eventually I found out that she was sending him erotic photos of herself and trying to pass it off that she was sending them to me [she wasn't]. There was a terrible fight about it which ended up being more about my "horrible breach of trust" instead of her cheating on me. She still insists that he is just a good friend and she didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't make friends easily, so her excuse is that she doesn't want to lose one of the few friends she has. I don't have a problem with her being semi-flirty with our other male friends because they aren't sexually interested in her and trying to win her back.
The other day she casually asks me if it is ok for her to go visit him [by herself] or for him to come here. After thinking about it, I said that it would be ok for him to come here provided he didn't stay with us and I was home at the time. She became angry that I "insisted on babysitting them" and woudn't leave them alone. This was a giant red flag for me, and I later e-mailed her my concerns about the issue. She refuses to talk.
We have a generally sexless marriage because she insists that she "just isn't into sex" [despite seeming to really enjoy it on the instances in which we do]. But I do love her- I honestly think that she is my soulmate. We have a really good time together and she understands me in a way that I don't think anyone else ever would. I love all of her family and feel that she is part of mine.
I'm starting to feel like I am being used. I am the main breadwinner, and it feels like she's going to leave me as soon as she can afford to. She has threatened to break up with me on multiple occasions ans still uses the threat of not marrying me to bully me into doing things she wants me to do. She is intensely private and refuses to talk to me about most of the emotions she has- insisting that I am difficult to talk to and I don't listen. I have never had anyone else accuse me of that before, so I don't buy that one.
I honestly don't think that she sees what she is doing as cheating, despite my best efforts to convince her that yes it is. We are going to see a couples counselor for this, but I have such a terrible habit of folding and caving to her wishes as soon as an argument comes up because I'm terrified of losing her. I am planning on coming up with a list of talking points so I don't just give in to her again.
My question is:
What advice do you have for me in this situation? Am I being unreasonable? Is there any easier way to try and stand up for myself? Is there anything I should bring up with the therapist? What do I do?
This post was deleted for the following reason: I have no idea what's going on here, but Ask Metafilter is not for posting falsified information, whatever your purposes were. Please do not abuse the good will of the community this way again. -- taz