Reason vs emotion: Can't afford baby. Want a baby
August 3, 2012 10:52 AM Subscribe
Coming to terms with circumstances. Baby fever edition. I need help doing it. How did you decide to be ok with waiting to get pregnant? Alternatively, how did you decide to go ahead and attempt pregnancy even though it was a bad idea financially in the short term? What books or articles or blog posts can I read (the library is right down the street!) that address this?
posted by tulip-socks to human relations (28 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I have a mystery illness (frighteningly a likely ovarian teratoma, which may or may not be causing everything else, the tumor needs to come out but there is a lot of red tape between me and surgery), no job, and a boyfriend in 3rd year of medical school. I'm 30 and have always wanted to be a mother, this desire grows stronger every time I begin day one of another menstrual cycle. I'm taking birth control pills. I'm job searching and have geared up for volunteering here locally.
I've recently moved from one big city to another with better health care options for whatever is going on.
Boyfriend is very confident that he wants kids. We have moved in together and discuss these things with a great deal of candor. He has the privilege of being male, and not having the female egg quality hysteria that I worry about. (close family members of mine battling with not conceiving, and/or miscarriages) He has asked what he can do to help me with this, and I don't know. When I see the doctor about everything else I'll be asking about longer acting birth control, like depo-provera.
Other worries I have for delaying pregnancy are my being so much more exhausted than when I was 20 or 27. the prospect of starting (maybe) a 'real' career in the meantime and then putting it on hold to either give birth or adopt.
Financially, having a baby now would be a nightmare. I can't get my family to front me $100 so I can get the labs and lap required for the. Ext step of my medical care. They'd probably go nuts buying tiny baby clothes, but my married sister just had a miscarriage....recently. Her pregnancy and subsequent loss both definitely have something to do withy asking his now. I don't want to be a jealous monster when she does carry a baby to term.
Obviously, my health is a priority, and there is a (small, tiny) chance that my lady bits are trying to kill me anyway and getting pregnant may be out of the question entirely. But I'm pretty sure that if I wait 5 years and cannot bring a pregnancy to term, I will have some...regret? Anger? And it's not necessarily healthy to worry about how I might feel in 5 years.
Yes. Therapy is in the works. But the aforementioned labs? Also required to get a referral to affordable mental health care. So that's. Why I need your reading suggestions and/or anecdotes to help me get a handle on this issue. I have participated in DBT in the past, have a work book and still find it very helpful. Therapy is awesome.
I'm familiar with sociological theories of delaying childbearing (I am firmly in the group that waits to have a kid until you're established as an adult, not the group that is likely to join adulthood - my circumstances, this economy leave me feeling like here should be a third group!), know about sliding vs deciding, am not wanting a child to tie me to this particular man (we already express a great deal of commitment to each other), not wanting a baby to 'have someone to love me,' and might be wanting permission to just go ahead and have a baby after my health is sorted out.
(we live in the US, which is not super pro-mom, and many would argue is actively anti-motherhood.)