Does this friend-with-benefits want moar?

August 3, 2012 5:06 AM

A friend-with-benefits asks me - "Don't you want a boyfriend?" What does this mean?

I have this friend-with-benefits. I am 20 and he is 30.

One night we were discussing long term relationships, and I explained my viewpoint that I wasn't ready to settle down at this stage, and I didn't want to waste time on a relationship that might end somewhere down the line when I could be playing instead (my insecurity, I know). He on the other hand was quite supportive of LTRs, having them at around my age even, and how he likes the intimacy...etc.
Now he also asked me "Don't you want a boyfriend?" repeatedly in our convo, but obviously worded in different ways, e.g. When I was talking about how I felt hopeless and alone during my depressive episodes he'd say "See? This is why you ought to get a boyfriend, because of (reason)". He wasn't being pushy about it, he just interjected it at the appropriate moments.

So...does HE want to be my boyfriend? Or is he just giving me advice as a friend?

posted by mocoface to human relations (38 answers total)

So...does HE want to be my boyfriend?

Yes
posted by ghharr at 5:07 AM on August 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

He feels guilty and like he might be using you and/or that you're falling for him. He wants you to get a boyfriend that is not him so he doesn't have to feel the pressure to become your boyfriend.

Or maybe he was hinting, but I doubt it. The only way to find out is to ask him to be your boyfriend. I suspect the answer will be a lot of defensiveness and/or guilt, and a quick retreat, but you never know.
posted by the young rope-rider at 5:08 AM on August 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

Either he wants to be your boyfriend, or he doesn't want to be FWBs anymore, maybe because he's found a girlfriend?
posted by Rock Steady at 5:11 AM on August 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I am 20 and he is 30.

I think it's most likely that what he's encouraging you to do is actually date someone your own age. It's possible he's becoming uncomfortable with the age difference and/or life stage difference; that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you but probably does mean he'd like to see you happy with someone more age-matched.

In other words, I think he's... encouraging you to move on.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:13 AM on August 3, 2012 [29 favorites]

So...does HE want to be my boyfriend?

Yes.

However, as you can see from the answers, we can't read his mind (that's why we're interpreting him in different ways). So, why don't you ask HIM?
posted by John Cohen at 5:14 AM on August 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I wouldn't ordinarily assume, but it seems to be that he's not just saying "don't you want a boyfriend", he's also talking about how he wants a girlfriend. So it does kind of sound like a hint that he might be interested in at least moving slowly in that direction.

If you're kinda-sorta-possibly interested in more with him, too, then the easy way is to wait for a suggestion like that and do the big smile and say, "Why, are you volunteering?" Flirting can be full of those kinds of "this is totally a joke unless you want it to be serious" kinds of things. If you're really *not* interested in more with him, and you like things how they are, I wouldn't necessarily bring it up unless he starts hinting a little more firmly than this. Vague interest doesn't necessarily have to get in the way of FWB. Desperation would be another matter.
posted by gracedissolved at 5:18 AM on August 3, 2012

I'd just ask him. "You've brought this up several times now. Why do you think that is?"
posted by idest at 5:29 AM on August 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

There are a hundred possible reasons he could be saying this:

1. He wants to be your boyfriend
2. He wants to keep doing FWB but is worried that you are getting too attached to him
3. He wants to keep doing FWB but is worried that you'll drop him when you get what you really want, which is a boyfriend
4. He feels guilty that he's taking advantage of your youth, and he wants to make sure you're really not missing out anything that is important to you
5. etc...

I could keep writing, but hopefully you get the idea.

If you want to know why he keeps asking you, you'll need to ask him.
posted by alms at 5:41 AM on August 3, 2012 [26 favorites]

Though I am no expert at FWB. He may want to be your boyfriend. It is possible. But 30 is old enough to come out and say it, particularly since you guys are already having sex. If I were you, I would assume he means "get a boyfriend who's not me" unless he clearly says otherwise.

You could even dispense with talking to him if it is too painful. Just see less of him and think about meeting a regular boyfriend or another FWB.

This is not directed at you in particular, but I (a woman with a lifetime of male platonic friends) am always surprised by the "men don't know what they want" rhetoric. Most men, in my experience, know what they want most of the time...as with, you know, most women.
posted by skbw at 5:50 AM on August 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I vote "just giving me advice as a friend".

It sounds as if your relationship is comfortable enough that if it were anything else he'd feel free to just say so.
posted by Segundus at 5:50 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

DarlingBri almost has it: I think it's most likely that what he's encouraging you to do is actually date someone.

Your own age or not your own age, but date someone (NOT HIM) so that you can have a chance at intimacy, love, and commitment along with your sex. You know, those things which you obviously do not have between you. Sex is surely fun, but sex as a complement to a loving committed relationship is incomparable. I would guess your decade older friend gets that and thinks you deserve better than what he can offer. It sounds like this chap is trying to be a friend by trying to initiate that discussion. Isn't that what friends are for?
posted by three blind mice at 5:56 AM on August 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

My hunch is that I don't think he wants to be your boyfriend. I think he hears about your depressive episodes and his subtle way of saying he doesn't want to get involved is by saying, "don't you want a boyfriend to talk to about this."

When you start to bring emotional support type conversations into a friends with benefits arrangement, that basically turns it into a real relationship. I think he is trying to steer away from that.
posted by pwally at 6:04 AM on August 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

It could mean anything. All we know is that he thinks committed relationships have value.

You'll have to ask, I'm afraid. I think you should probably think about what your answer would be if he did ask you to be his girlfriend.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:06 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

How could we possibly know? You need to ask him.
posted by Forktine at 6:07 AM on August 3, 2012

"Why do you ask?"

None of us can answer this. You need to talk with him about it, even if it's a little uncomfortable at first.
posted by decathecting at 6:18 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

So...does HE want to be my boyfriend? Or is he just giving me advice as a friend?

There is absolutely, positively no way for anyone commenting in this thread to know for sure. None. Nads. Zip. What's more, no one commenting can care about the answer as much as you do, as it will effect none of us in the slightest.

So go ahead and ask him. Then ask yourself what answer you'd like.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:19 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'd strongly caution you to keep FWB arrangements strictly benefits focused.

All this sharing of feelings and future plans and hopes and dreams should be avoided in favor of sticking exclusively to the sexy times or else it is going to get confusing. Or has, rather.
posted by skrozidile at 6:49 AM on August 3, 2012

Of course I can't read his mind, like others have said, but if I had to guess, I'd say NO.

Because I've had more than one FWB say things like this to me, and that is what it meant. What it did mean was, "I don't want to lead you on. If you want a boyfriend, please look elsewhere.".

If you want to be his girlfriend, tell him, ask him if that's what he wants. If he doesn't, end the FWB thing. Although I'd caution you about the huge age gap between 20 and 30. Those ten years are a much bigger difference than the ten years between 30 and 40, for example.
posted by peacrow at 6:51 AM on August 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

It's really not clear whether he wants you to date him, or move on, or if he's fine as things stand but just curious. No matter his intentions, I think the idea of not wanting a serious relationship is just foreign to him, and that's why he keeps asking. He can't quite believe that you're really actually content with being single for the foreseeable future. Kind of like how some people assume that childfree-by-choice women will eventually change their mind.

On the other hand, the way your question is worded implies that maybe you are interested in a relationship, hypothetically, but you're protecting yourself from heartbreak by not considering it an option. I might be reading too much into this, and if this interpretation is wrong I apologize. But if that does describe you, maybe he's picking up that you're not quite happy with the status quo? He might not be thinking you need a boyfriend to be happy, just that you may be happier if you allowed yourself the possibility.

Either way, you'll need to ask him what he means and why he keeps bringing it up. Decide whether you would be interested in a relationship with him before you ask, so you're not thrown off guard in case he does want more. But it could be he's just trying to wrap his head around your perspective.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:57 AM on August 3, 2012

DarlingBri has it, spot on.

Additionally, my gut reaction is that he sees you as a [young] girl instead of an equal and he's feeling guilty and creepy about it. So while he enjoys you, he feels that it is his responsibility to help you move on and be with someone your own age, and more of an equal relationship.

He absolutely does NOT want to be your boyfriend.
posted by TinWhistle at 7:01 AM on August 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

I would bet that he's looking for a reason/excuse to bail. He's 30, maybe seeing some pressure (internal or external) to have a girlfriend, settle down, etc.

Whatever the quality of the sex, sex alone does not a real relationship make. You mention no other indication of interest on his part. It doesn't appear that he has ever suggested that he would like to spend more time with you - a movie, breakfast in bed - or suggests books you might like, or otherwise pays attention to things that I would want boyfriend material guys to pay attention to. But this observation on my part may simply be due to the nature of this forum. You don't have space to tell us everything.

So back to this conversation. I read his repeated suggestion/wondering if you want a boyfriend as him looking for an out. "well, she wants a boyfriend and she knows we're just FWB. I gotta bail before she tries to make me her boyfriend."
Or less subtly, he might immediately respond that y'all should break it off, once he gets you to say you would even enjoy or appreciate a hypothetical boyfriend.

Other readings are:
He's feeling insecure (this might happen for any number of reasons) and wants reassurance that you're not just biding time with him until you find a boyfriend.

As mentioned above, he might want you to be his girlfriend.

He might want someone else to be his girlfriend.

He might want to exit this FWB arrangement and find another.
posted by tulip-socks at 7:29 AM on August 3, 2012

I think it's ambiguous. We don't have his tone of voice or body language to help us interpret it.

Asking him is probably the best course of action. Maybe wait 'til he brings it up again and ask, "are you volunteering?" in a light-hearted fashion, so that you can take it in whatever direction is appropriate for how you feel about his answer.
posted by batmonkey at 7:38 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Just some more facts (don't want to spill too much online)

- he pursued me in the first place
- this arrangement has only lasted a month, we have gone out more times than we have sex
- he did express a desire to settle down, and I gave my honest opinion about marriage/children, he was fine with it
- he's aware that I have other buddies and we discuss each others FBs
- while he is not the best that I have had, he does display the personality traits of my ideal partner, so I wouldn't be opposed to a relationship.
- and most importantly, the reason I'm asking an impartial group is that I don't want to jeopardize what I have with him by asking a serious question like that!
posted by mocoface at 7:43 AM on August 3, 2012

Uggh, I've been in this situation (with almost this same age difference, when I was younger) and even then I DEFINITELY knew it meant " I don't see you that way, find someone else. Me asking you about it just shows you how very cool I am with the idea of you dating someone else."

I think "are you volunteering" might be a lighthearted but pretty revealing way to find out what's going on. See what he says.

Also: are any of these conversations happening naked? DON'T have a conversation like this naked. Even if you think it might go a way you want it to go. No naked relationship conversations, ok?
posted by sweetkid at 7:45 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

So...does HE want to be my boyfriend?

Doubt it.

I think it's most likely that what he's encouraging you to do is actually date someone your own age.

This. I think he's looking for a departure from this situation that won't cause hurt feelings, because he's afraid he's holding you back / doing you harm. My situation was different in many ways, and we've turned out great, but I was (not too long ago) a 30 year old who was dating a 20 year old. And that idea was on my mind frequently.
posted by penduluum at 7:45 AM on August 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I don't think he wants to be your boyfriend. He is a grown ass man. If he wanted to be your boyfriend he wouldn't be saying "See? This is why you ought to get a boyfriend, because of (reason)". He would say that he should be your boyfriend. At least that's what I think but mind you I don't posess any mind-reading powers.

You don't actually say if you do want a boyfriend or even if you want this guy to be your boyfriend. How do you actually feel about it? If you're quite happy as it is you should just tell him so. If you want him to be your boyfriend, just tell him that the FWB thing isn't working out because you want more. If you do think you're ready for something more solid but not with him, take the hint and go forth.

On preview, "I wouldn't be opposed to a relationship" is not exactly the most enthusiastic start of a relationship.
posted by like_neon at 7:47 AM on August 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

It could go either way. My expectation was that he wanted to be your boyfriend, but after reading this, based on the way it's worded, my hunch is he was offering advice, not auditioning. But that's only a hunch. There's no way to know.

You have to ask him. What are you worried about jeopardizing? Your fuck buddy situation? Those aren't hard to get!
posted by J. Wilson at 8:17 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Asking him what he means by the comments he's making should not jeopardize your relationship.

Are you sure that isn't just your insecurity talking again? You are afraid that if you make any reference to yourself considering a committed relationship (especially, god forbid, with someone you're already sleeping with and talking about the future with), everything will go to custard?
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:19 AM on August 3, 2012

You could go nuts trying to read someone's mind. I wouldn't attempt it.

I think YOU need to understand what YOU want out of this relationship.

If I woke you up in the middle of the night, held a gun to your head and asked, you, "So, do you want X for a boyfriend or not?" What would your answer be?

Don't ponder it, don't weigh it, just, what do you want?

If your answer is, "I want things to stay the same, I don't want a relationship with him." Then you need to be very clear with this guy that you are only interested in him for dating and sex and nothing else.

If you want to try a relationship with him, if you think you might want him for a boyfriend, then you need to tell him so.

What generally happens in these situations is that one of the friends cares more than the other, but is too afraid of losing even the crumb that is the 'benefits' that they don't say anything. Then they're devestated when the 'friend' drops them for a relationship.

Once you know what you want, ask for it. It's either going to be yes or no.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:45 AM on August 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I don't know for sure, but if you think asking will jeopardize the relationship, you already know the answer (no, he does not want to be your boyfriend). It sounds like you really hope that he does want to be your boyfriend, and you are looking for confirmation of that, but I just don't see it.

Might be time to end this FWB arrangement before it turns into heartbreak anyway, so I personally would suggest asking and if the answer is no, moving on to someone you're not into.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:51 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

the reason I'm asking an impartial group is that I don't want to jeopardize what I have with him by asking a serious question like that!

Him: "Don't you want a boyfriend?"
You (playfully): "Why do you keep asking me that?"
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:24 AM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

So...does HE want to be my boyfriend?
I'm leaning towards no, but unless you've changed your mind about being in a relationship, what difference does it make? Until he actually asks you to be his girlfriend and you accept or express a desire to be your boyfriend and you reject him, nothing has really changed.
posted by sm1tten at 9:49 AM on August 3, 2012

The myth that asking for clarification can "jeopardize" anything good is pretty toxic. The other person is already having whatever feelings or thoughts they're having before you ask about them.

I think someone you're going on dates with and fucking is a "date", not a friend with benefits or a fuckbuddy. At least, back in my day (the late Jurassic era), friends with benefits were people you had sex with and maybe ordered in pizza, and fuckbuddies didn't even require pizza.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:56 AM on August 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

If asking a simple question (and yes, "please clarify this easily misinterpreted thing you say to me all the time" is a very simple basic question and not SRS RLATINSHIP BZNSS) will ruin this relationship, then ugh, just walk away. FWB is not meant to be this difficult, and if asking for basic clarification of some cryptic thing he keeps saying to you is a huge big deal, something is wrong. You should be having fun, not stressing.
posted by elizardbits at 9:57 AM on August 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm with the young rope-rider on this one. I don't think he is asking to be your boyfriend. I think he wants you to get a boyfriend -- maybe someone your own age -- because he's either starting to feel like he's using and wants to eliminate his guilt OR because he is afraid that you're getting too attached to him and he has no interest in pursuing a LTR with you.

I mean, yeah, it's possible that he wants to be in a committed relationship with you, but that's not my first assumption based on the information you've presented.
posted by asnider at 10:29 AM on August 3, 2012

and most importantly, the reason I'm asking an impartial group is that I don't want to jeopardize what I have with him by asking a serious question like that!

You mean: the reason you're asking people who have no way of knowing the truth is that you're afraid to have open and honest communication with the one person who actually knows the answer. Think about it.
posted by John Cohen at 10:58 AM on August 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

He seems to be feeling you out about whether you are OK with the arrangement that you have and at the same time letting you know that he would be a supportive friend if you got a boyfriend. My take on it is that he is letting you know he's not possessive. Otherwise he'd be trying to comfort you in a more boyfriendly way when you're depressed. He probably feels kind of protective toward you due to your age, but also has the feeling that you are too young for him. He sounds like a nice friend, actually.
posted by xenophile at 4:14 PM on August 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I say if he wanted to be your boyfriend he would ask you. The way you say he raises it makes it sound like he wants you to have someone else as a boyfriend - while perhaps leaving a suggestion that you might be boyfriend and girlfriend hanging in the air.

Also, men don't volunteer to be a woman's boyfriend when she's talking about depressive episodes, especially if she's 10 years younger. It sounds more like friendly advice.

Don't agonize over it. You're still FWB. Next time he says 'Don't you want a boyfriend?' playfully ask 'Are you offering?' You will get your answer, and it may be vague. (Vague = no.)
posted by inkypinky at 4:30 PM on August 3, 2012 [3 favorites]