How to start dating again after a broken engagement?

August 3, 2005 3:55 PM

How to start dating again after a broken engagement?

I'm 28 years old and my girlfriend of 2.6 years and fiance of 1+ year just left me for a variety of reason that I won't go into here. Suffice it to say we were very different people and that became less than ok for her. I'm dealing with the breakup well and am really excited to start dating again. However I'm worried about things being akward at first, and how to let girls know that I was engaged and it ended recently. I can't imagine anyone wants to be a rebound girlfriend, but I'm well aware that that is a possibility. Any stories, suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total)

I'd go with just getting out there and meeting people. When my long term relationship ended that's a mistake I made. Instead of widening my circle I relied too heavily on the people already in it. Made worse and more confusing by the fact that I'm a lesbian and was friends with people in my dating pool.

You're probably not looking to get engaged right away anyway, so be honest and say that you're really interested in meeting people and seeing where this next phase of your life takes you.

Be honest with everyone, of course, and expect the same from them.
posted by FlamingBore at 4:08 PM on August 3, 2005

I don't think telling any dating prospects that you were engaged is even necessary. Let your new relationships take shape on their own terms. There's no reason to complicate things by stating that you were almost married.

At 28 most of the people you'll date have had plenty of previous relationships and they'll assume that you've had relationships as well. Would you expect a girl to recount all of her serious relationships on your first date? It would be unreasonable. That said, enjoy your new freedom.
posted by quadog at 4:15 PM on August 3, 2005

I agree with the above two responses. Just get out there, meet people (might I suggest on-line?) and let things progress as they do. Don't bring up your history unless asked. I think if you date casually long enough, there won't be one specific girl who's a rebound and will bear that burden.

Good luck! And have fun! That's what it's all about anyway.
posted by Moral Animal at 4:23 PM on August 3, 2005

Don't go out of your way to tell, but if it comes up, or she asks you, say it. Because once it does come out, the fact that you tried to hide it will seem sketchy. Just be honest.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:07 PM on August 3, 2005 [1 favorite]

Be honest, but on the other hand, try not to give off those creepy "divorced person just recently back in the pool" vibes. I was at a thing last week where there was a guy there my age who was in that situation and I totally got the brunt of the weird vibes. Mainly it consisted of him mentioning the end of his past relationship in every third sentence and also appearing a little too enthusiastic and/or desperate. Just go about meeting people for activities/socializing and don't worry too much about "dating" right away.
posted by matildaben at 5:34 PM on August 3, 2005

You are in no different spot than where you were just prior to this last relationship, except that you know so much more now, both about yourself and about relationships. Be strong, enjoy your strength and enjoy your hard won knowledge. It's painful when this happens but the growth can be phenomenal.
posted by caddis at 6:19 PM on August 3, 2005

For the love of God don't mention the engagement or any previous pairings in dating until you're comfortable enough to fart in front of her. No one cares about your past couplings, it's incredibly boring and reeks of "not over it". If you can't go out without talking about it then don't go out yet. Also remember that by the time you realize you're talking about your ex you've talked about her too much, it's somewhat of a paradox but stop immdiately if you do catch yourself talking about her.
posted by geoff. at 6:21 PM on August 3, 2005 [1 favorite]

I worked with two colleagues who offered these pieces of advice:
1. Allow 1 month for every 2 that you were in the relationship. By that point or sooner, you will be totally over it.
2. Date a girl with really big tits. (this came from my boss at the time, who was a surprisingly sensitive man, but had a clear vice that he had no shame about, and frankly, he was right)
posted by plinth at 6:25 PM on August 3, 2005

Just to be clear: I translated his advice to this: be honest with yourself about what you like and find it.
posted by plinth at 6:26 PM on August 3, 2005

I can't imagine it matters that you were engaged. You're just another 28 year old who's dating. There are lots of them. I was one of them. You're going to have a blast!
posted by Mayor Curley at 6:42 PM on August 3, 2005

I completely agree with the getting-out-there advice, but I'd add one notion: make sure your good friends know you're dating, too. A friendish kind of acquaintance was dumped hard last year (after his fiancée found out he had testicular cancer) and I saw him a couple of weeks ago. All of his close friends know his situation and they're practically dragging stray girls home for him to meet. He's having a ball (pun intended).
posted by Mo Nickels at 8:07 PM on August 3, 2005

In my experience, your experience will actualy help. Yes, most women are skeptical about breakup stories. But having been engaged earns you credit. Women tend to be more skeptical of a 28-year-old man who has never been in a serious relationship.
posted by cribcage at 8:21 PM on August 3, 2005

Mefi gold: don't mention the engagement or any previous pairings in dating until you're comfortable enough to fart in front of her.

The fart protocol could be applied to *so* many situations. And I intend to do it.
posted by mecran01 at 9:03 PM on August 3, 2005

That's probably my problem. I'm never comfortable enough to fart in front of a girl.
posted by FlamingBore at 9:17 PM on August 3, 2005

Just be glad you didn't go through with the marriage. Divorce is much more difficult to explain. Enjoy yourself and don't make things too complicated.

I agree with the above two responses. Just get out there, meet people (might I suggest on-line?)

On-line? Why? Unless they're a shut-in, I fail to see any advantage (disadvantages yes, but that's another story).
posted by justgary at 9:20 PM on August 3, 2005

Do you get to fart in front of your partner after marriage, after several decades of such? When is it safe to pass gas without repercussion? I always thought gas was best kept to one's self and dispelled solely in private. Am I wrong?

Pull my finger.
posted by caddis at 11:15 PM on August 3, 2005

On-line? Why? Unless they're a shut-in, I fail to see any advantage (disadvantages yes, but that's another story).

Advantages: don't have to leave the house until you find someone you're interested in (or at all, if you don't); will not be judged instantly by your appearance; can compose your replies carefully instead of blurting out what just springs to your mind when you're nervous.
posted by kindall at 11:26 PM on August 3, 2005

You ask someone out, or are asked out yourself. For you, it represents a big major LIFE thing just now. But for her, it's just the possibility of a nice time with drinks, food or a movie. That's basically all you have to remember: the other person is just hoping to have some fun, some interesting conversation, a pleasant evening, if all goes well. You can do that! Don't worry.
posted by taz at 4:55 AM on August 4, 2005

If you are just looking for something casual, and suspect that this might be a rebound time for you, then make it clear to any girl you date that you date that you are not looking for something serious right now. Having been "the rebound girl" before, I can attest to the fact that it really sucks. Many women in their late 20s have done the casual dating thing and are now looking for something more serious, so don't waste their time by not making your intentions clear.
posted by amro at 6:01 AM on August 4, 2005

Follow Nike's advice and just do it. Date widely. Don't take it too seriously at first: in fact, you may have to look at the first few women you date as "practice dates" (callow as that sounds) just to get back in the swing of things. Internet dating sites are an effective way to find a lot of prospects.
posted by adamrice at 6:44 AM on August 4, 2005

There's no reason to state your intentions. (Particularly if you have no clue what your intentions are.) You don't have to walk around with a warning sign on your forehead. All you have to do is be reasonably honest. Don't bring up your previous break up until (1) she discusses her previous relationship (2) she asks you directly. If you want to spin it well, nothing spins better than the truth: it's over, you learned a lot, you're stronger now, you know what you want. You'll probably even get bonus points since it demonstrates that you're not afraid of commitment. Focus on the having fun and the intimacy part and the rest will fall into place.
posted by nixerman at 7:11 AM on August 4, 2005 [1 favorite]

I'm in much the same situation: long-term relationship that ended (on good terms, but still) and I'm recently back in the dating pool.

I didn't get back into dating until I was sure I wanted to. For me, I knew that had happened when I was making an effort to talk to girls that I didn't know, not necessarily to hit on them but just to get back into the swing of things.

The dating site that I use (and most of them do this, I think) make a distinction between "dating" and "relationships". I'm working under the assumption that the girls I meet in the "dating" pool are interested in just that, dating. You may not get past a first date with a few of them, but that's par for the course. There's no assumption that it will necessarily lead anywhere - if it does, great. If not, everyone involved hopefully had a good time.

All that being said, sure, sometimes the ex is mentioned. It's going to be hard to talk about your life for the past three years without mentioning the person that you did everything with. Like others have said, unless you're dating twenty-one year-olds or a previous shut-in, everyone has relationships in the past that have ended. It's part of what makes us what we are.

One thing I avoid doing is bad-mouthing the ex. And when she is mentioned, it's always in passing - there's never a in-depth discussion about her. Your date is definitely not interested in that, she's (hopefully) interested in you.
posted by flipper at 9:02 AM on August 4, 2005

Get out there. Online, offline, it doesn't matter. Back on the horse, as it were. I agree with flipper about not bad-mouthing the ex. Nothing says 'Run Away!' louder than a person of either gender who has unpleasant things to say about someone they once cared enough about to hang around.

Everyone has baggage. There isn't any reason to unpack all your trunks on the first or second dates. Maybe not even the third, but by that time you should have a fairly good idea of your comfort level. Once you do start to share pieces of your past, pay special attention not to dwell on the negatives. If you don't sound like you've learned anything from your experiences, what's to say you won't repeat them? Listen to your companions for the same clues.

When I started dating again after a long sabbatical, I looked at it as meeting interesting men and getting to know them as friends. Anything else was open for discussion somewhere down the road. I dated like a crazy person for a while, and learned a lot about myself in the process. All of that helped me to figure out what I really wanted and to know it when I stumbled into him.

Oh, and I ended up remaining close friends with several of the guys I dated. Bonus!
posted by Corky at 10:42 AM on August 5, 2005 [1 favorite]