Perhaps moving away from home was a bad idea
July 30, 2012 3:09 PM Subscribe
I moved down to Austin from Iowa about two months ago now. Things haven't been going so well. Wondering if I should move back home.
posted by Modica to travel & transportation (23 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I made the decision to move down here because I felt that I needed a change from Iowa. I'd grown up there and the place had grown so small. One of my best friends lives here and they had a room, so I jumped for it. I didn't have much planned other than that. I didn't have a job lined up and I had thought that, given a bigger city, I would have been able to find opportunities more aligned with my skills and wants (editing/writing and non-profit work). I'm realizing now how foolish that was. I haven't had any luck with the job hunt. And I've also been feeling more lonely, more isolated than I was back home.
I've been having a very difficult time making friends and meeting people, in part due to the fact that I'm an alcoholic. Been sober for almost sixteen months. Not drinking makes me feel awkward in most social situations down here where I don't know folks (and this is what I'm most afraid of–slipping up–since my major triggers are loneliness and isolation). But in addition to that, I've been having periods of intense anxiety whenever I go out in public. I clam up, I get queasy, and I feel I have nothing at all to contribute to conversations. I've also suffered from severe depression for a long time now which I'd managed to get under control during my last few months in Iowa. Now the depression is returning, along with feelings of hopelessness, the pointlessness of life.
I've been getting by down here with money from my family, and I hate that. My mom's going through a number of surgeries this year (a hysterectomy so far, heart surgeries coming up soon) and I hate asking her for money with all that going on. I like it down here. I like the larger city, the wider array of food and events going on. But I don't know if I'm capable of doing this yet, having worked so hard on my sobriety and on my depression. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.
No matter what, whether I'm in Austin or Iowa, I'm reapplying for grad school for the 2013 school year and that's my next step for sure. I got into a few places this year but they weren't able to give me enough funding (my fault for making bad choices in the application process on where to apply and with my statements of purpose). So once I hear back this year, I'm going for sure. This place, then, would be temporary.
I dunno, I'm just sort of at a loss. I feel like a failure. The past week, I've felt so angry and frustrated and haven't been sleeping or eating much. I'm exhausted. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.