Perhaps moving away from home was a bad idea

July 30, 2012 3:09 PM

I moved down to Austin from Iowa about two months ago now. Things haven't been going so well. Wondering if I should move back home.

I made the decision to move down here because I felt that I needed a change from Iowa. I'd grown up there and the place had grown so small. One of my best friends lives here and they had a room, so I jumped for it. I didn't have much planned other than that. I didn't have a job lined up and I had thought that, given a bigger city, I would have been able to find opportunities more aligned with my skills and wants (editing/writing and non-profit work). I'm realizing now how foolish that was. I haven't had any luck with the job hunt. And I've also been feeling more lonely, more isolated than I was back home.

I've been having a very difficult time making friends and meeting people, in part due to the fact that I'm an alcoholic. Been sober for almost sixteen months. Not drinking makes me feel awkward in most social situations down here where I don't know folks (and this is what I'm most afraid of–slipping up–since my major triggers are loneliness and isolation). But in addition to that, I've been having periods of intense anxiety whenever I go out in public. I clam up, I get queasy, and I feel I have nothing at all to contribute to conversations. I've also suffered from severe depression for a long time now which I'd managed to get under control during my last few months in Iowa. Now the depression is returning, along with feelings of hopelessness, the pointlessness of life.

I've been getting by down here with money from my family, and I hate that. My mom's going through a number of surgeries this year (a hysterectomy so far, heart surgeries coming up soon) and I hate asking her for money with all that going on. I like it down here. I like the larger city, the wider array of food and events going on. But I don't know if I'm capable of doing this yet, having worked so hard on my sobriety and on my depression. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.

No matter what, whether I'm in Austin or Iowa, I'm reapplying for grad school for the 2013 school year and that's my next step for sure. I got into a few places this year but they weren't able to give me enough funding (my fault for making bad choices in the application process on where to apply and with my statements of purpose). So once I hear back this year, I'm going for sure. This place, then, would be temporary.

I dunno, I'm just sort of at a loss. I feel like a failure. The past week, I've felt so angry and frustrated and haven't been sleeping or eating much. I'm exhausted. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

posted by Modica to travel & transportation (23 answers total)

Do you have some support for your depression and other issues back home? Do you have friends either there or in Iowa who you could just discuss these things with? I feel like you're keeping things bottled up.

I really want to suggest therapy, even low cost or sliding scale or students can help with this.
posted by sweetkid at 3:18 PM on July 30, 2012

Back home, I had a therapist and friends from work and from back in the day. Down here, I don't really have anyone. I talk to my friends from back home online somewhat often about this stuff.

I was looking into therapists and I called a couple places today. One of them has a very long wait list, the other I'm waiting to hear back from.
posted by Modica at 3:20 PM on July 30, 2012

that's good, I think just making those calls can really help. You obviously have a clear handle of what's going on with you, but just need some help getting through it and sorting it all out, which is why I think talking to someone can really help you. But making the calls and posting here is a really good first step.
posted by sweetkid at 3:23 PM on July 30, 2012

Congratulations on your sixteen months of sobriety. Are you going to meetings? I am quite sure Austin has a number of AA meetings from choose from at all times of day. That might help if you are not opposed to AA.

Call UT Austin and ask if they have any counseling or psychology graduate students doing clinical work over the summer and if meeting with them is open to the public. It might be a shorter waiting list.

Good luck.
posted by peacrow at 3:25 PM on July 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

Alcoholics in recovery have one guaranteed avenue to friends in just about any large city (and many smaller ones too). So I have to ask-- have you tried the AA meetings there? I would imagine that the (recovered) alcoholics in Austin would be super-fun and (as with alcoholics around the world) would easily relate to the social awkwardness and depression that you're feeling, and welcome you openly. And voilà, instant friends! If you haven't gone yet, try to find one called something like a "young person's" meeting.
posted by mireille at 3:26 PM on July 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Have you been looking for work outside of your interests? Like, waitressing, barista, retail, etc.? It's a lot easier to make connections with people when you have to spend hours with them every day. If you feel like you have a little left in the tank, try to get any job. When you have money coming in and people you're spending time with regularly, you'll have a way to evaluate your next step.
posted by clone boulevard at 3:27 PM on July 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

Are you going to meetings? Please go to meetings. If nothing else, you might get some good recommendations about venues for sober socializing.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:27 PM on July 30, 2012

Would you live at home if you moved back to Iowa? Is that where you were living when you were getting your depresson under control? That sounds like it might be a good place to get back on your feet while preparing for grad school. Does your mom want you to move back? Is supporting you in TX an issue for her?

That said, two months in a new city is not a long time! You really shouldn't beat yourself up for not finding a job and new group of friends in such a short time. It took me years to find a good group where I live now. And people everwhere are struggling to find work. You are not a failure at all in that respect, just in a tough economic situation.

Are there non-alcohol-related activities you enjoy? Where the focus is more on doing something rather than sitting around talking, so you wouldn't have to feel self-conscious? Do you like sports or athletic stuff? Maybe check meetup? If you get out and try something once a week, even if you don't like it, hopefully you'll have a sense of accomplishment at taking action, instead of anger and frustration.

Also nthing AA meetings recommended above.
posted by janerica at 3:28 PM on July 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have a solid crew of AA people and I go to meetings four times a week. Those are pretty much the only friendships I've made here, with one guy in particular. He's the one I usually go to parties/get-togethers with, but even with him to hang out with I still feel awkward as hell.
posted by Modica at 3:29 PM on July 30, 2012

Have you been looking for work outside of your interests? Like, waitressing, barista, retail, etc.? It's a lot easier to make connections with people when you have to spend hours with them every day. If you feel like you have a little left in the tank, try to get any job. When you have money coming in and people you're spending time with regularly, you'll have a way to evaluate your next step.

I was doing barista stuff before I came down here, working at Starbucks. I didn't want to go back to doing that but..

Would you live at home if you moved back to Iowa? Is that where you were living when you were getting your depresson under control? That sounds like it might be a good place to get back on your feet while preparing for grad school. Does your mom want you to move back? Is supporting you in TX an issue for her?

Are there non-alcohol-related activities you enjoy? Where the focus is more on doing something rather than sitting around talking, so you wouldn't have to feel self-conscious? Do you like sports or athletic stuff? Maybe check meetup? If you get out and try something once a week, even if you don't like it, hopefully you'll have a sense of accomplishment at taking action, instead of anger and frustration.

I'd probably live at home for a bit but I'd try to get my own place. I can't stand living at home, which was a large push for my moving down here. As far as other activities...there's some athletic/outside stuff I like doing. I've checked around for MeetUp groups and activity groups, many of which require money to get started (dues and fees and all that) which I just can't afford to do. I've gone to a writing group and a few readings, since those are things I like doing. But even there, when it's a more focused activity, I'm extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable to the point of nausea.
posted by Modica at 3:36 PM on July 30, 2012

Not drinking makes me feel awkward in most social situations down here

this is the alcoholism talking. in reality, no one worth hanging out with cares if you're drinking booze or seltzer water. no one notices, no one cares.
posted by rr at 4:04 PM on July 30, 2012 [5 favorites]

Hi Modico,

Fellow Austinite here. Austin's an interesting place -- tons of opportunities for socializing and getting out, but the city itself isn't structured to push you toward them. I myself don't drive, which is a pretty big issue since Austin is so spread out, so I can somewhat relate to the feelings of isolation.

First off, do you have any hobbies? If you're at all into geek culture, the Dragon's Lair on North Burnet is awesome. There are tons of RPGs, card games, etc. most days of the week. I myself recently started a new Pathfinder campaign, which you'd be welcome to sit in on if you're so inclined.

Second, check out meetup.com! There are tons of Austin Meetup groups for all manner of interests. I know you said you don't have anything to contribute, but that must not be true if you're into writing. If you can write, you can talk. Without a doubt, it's hard to jump into a new group, most most meetup groups are really receptive to newcomers. That's why they're on Meetup.

If you're more of a South Austin hippy type, check out Ruta Maya. It's a funky coffee house that has all sorts of classes and live events. Lots of the people who hang out there are social misfits (or, at least, a couple of standard deviations off from normal) and are always happy to welcome just about anyone with a hug. Equinox is also a nice place for meeting folks. It's really laid back (folks smoke pot in a little nook on the back porch, for example, but you can easily avoid that scene but just not going to the nook and no one would think the less of you).

Are you into dogs? Austin Canine Central is an awesome place where dog lovers congregate for a variety of events.

Into gardening? Let me know... lots of interesting places where you can network with like-minded people.

Into music? Well, gosh... then just show up at any number of places that have live performances and talk to the band once they're ton. Most musicians I've met are more than happy to talk shop with fellow musicians -- especially ones who have good things to say about the performance they just watched.

Now, regarding work... I haven't noticed a lot of writing opportunities available in Austin, but I do know that there are a ton of customer service positions. Lots of tech and video game companies have both call and chat support positions open that usually pay in the range of $10-$12/hour. Many are even full-time and offer benefits after a short period of time. A lot of people get their start at teleNetwork.

I'm a small business owner in Austin (unfortunately, IT-related, technical skills non-negotiable) but I could probably find a thing or two for you to do so that you could have at least a local entry and reference on your resume. That always helps.

If you're either completely stuck or just totally listless, I suggest you get involved in a bicycling group or community garden. These activities will force you to spend time outdoors (and the Austin sun is great for combating depression) staying physically active (also good for depression) and give you the opportunity to meet typically open-minded folks.

Good luck -- and feel free to MeMail if you'd like.
posted by GnomeChompsky at 4:31 PM on July 30, 2012 [6 favorites]

RE: Hobbies: I've fallen out of the habit of most of them. But recently I had been doing a lot of tabletop stuff with friends of mine that did a lot of indie RPGs. I enjoy D&D (and prefer White Wolf and indie RPG games) and have wanted to get back into it. Other hobbies...bicycles, cooking, swimming, rock climbing, ballooning, all of which I have trouble pursuing due to all of my money going to rent or food. I don't know a thing about music, not really that interested in music (except jazz, which I know a ton about and love).

I've signed up in MeetUp and joined a bunch of groups that do things that I'd be into, like a capoeira group, rock climbing, this jazz group. But when it comes time to go to said events, I get real nervous about it and find ways to run out the clock so it becomes an impossibility.

In terms of work, what I have been wanting to do is to get into nonprofit/humanitarian work. I don't see any point to living or working if what I'm doing isn't bettering the world/society/the community. But I don't have much job experience/job skills in anything except barista work and some basic technical work (was a computer tech/repair dude for a while, worked at CompUSA for some time back in the day). I don't want to do that kind of stuff, but I just sucked it up and put in an application to go back to do the Starbucks thing.

I was recently offered a position, actually, to do a call center tech support job with Volt @ Apple. But it required me to not miss a day of training in August, which I could not do given my mom's surgeries and my cousin's wedding coming up, not to mention I'd be unable to attend my AA meetings due to the time of the job and they are the main thing that help me keep it together.
posted by Modica at 4:49 PM on July 30, 2012

Dragon's Lair is a pretty cool store--well lit, doesn't smell like unwashed gamer too much, actually friendly and welcoming staff by game store standards, nice selection--where they do a lot of tabletop and Magic tournaments and that sort of thing.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 4:56 PM on July 30, 2012

Okay, Modica, I'm no therapist, but you're doing exactly the same type of thing I did in my mid-20's when I had a major depressive episode. I don't remember what the appropriate psychological term for it is, but it's something like, "Focusing on every possible pitfall and negative contingency and not being willing to see opportunity."

First, you need to sort out which is more important to you: being at your mother's side for her surgeries or establishing yourself as an independent adult in a new city. There's not necessarily an absolute right answer here. But I can tell you, any employer offering a good job is not going to be very excited about a new hire having to miss work to travel back and forth between Austin and Iowa.

So here's the question you need to answer before you go any further:
Am I willing to miss at least some of my mom's surgeries in exchange for landing a job that could cover my cost of living expenses?

Once you decide the answer to that question, then I recommend you do two things:

1) Stop focusing on what you can't do, what you haven't done, what you wouldn't be good at, etc.

2) Focus on pursuing something that you can make a commitment to. Since you have an interest in D&D, maybe try that. It's a great way to meet new people. If you do try a game,

Do not...
Worry that you won't like the campaign.
Assume people think you're too quiet, too timid, etc.
Stay silent because you're afraid of saying something stupid.

Do...
Introduce yourself to people
Try to find common interests (games, movies, books, current events, whatever)
Force yourself to stay verbally "in the game."

Realize that most geeks are awkward (dear god are some of them awkward) and that's great and okay. If you don't like a campaign, no biggie. If you don't like the people, no biggie. If you end up dying of embarrassment, no biggie. Just try a different group in a few days or next week.

Finally, I'll echo the sentiment of some people here that you should definitely keep working on finding therapy. I'd even go so far as to recommend that you check out Psychiatric Emergency Services. You should plan on spending 4-5 hours there if you go (i.e. bring a book) but they will treat you regardless of your ability to pay.

The main thing here, Modica, wherever you decide to live, is that you gotta focus on what you the possible and what you can do. Decide to do one single thing and keep at it. Don't find a bunch of excuses for you to give up. There will always be risks; there will always be excuses. Don't give in.
posted by GnomeChompsky at 5:50 PM on July 30, 2012 [4 favorites]

Gnome, do people just go there and jump into games? I'd be willing to do a D&D thing, since I've been wanting to for a looong time now. I'd feel nervous about just jumping in, but eh. Gotta do it I guess.
posted by Modica at 6:26 PM on July 30, 2012

I'm from Iowa. I did the exact same thing you did, only to L.A. I've moved a couple of times since then, to other places where I basically didn't know anyone. Here's what I've learned.

+ I finally made friends when I got a job where most of my coworkers were in the same boat as me. In my case that was late-20s professionals w/no kids. I HIGHLY recommend getting a job where you are likely to meet simpatico folks. If you apply for a job and your coworkers will be one 55 year old woman and a couple of dudes in their 30s with little kids at home, RUN. Don't allow yourself to be stuck in that kind of situation all day, every day.

+ I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm not much of a drinker. It NEVER bothers me to drink soda or juice when others are drinking alcohol. It's my body, I get to choose what to put in it, thank you very much. That said, I'd probably avoid the "bar scene" since alcoholism is a factor for you.

+ meetup.com is an excellent suggestion. I moved to my current city in 1999, so the internet was still pretty young, but I have since used meetup to, well, meet up with local folks who share my interests.

+ consider creating a project for yourself, such as learning all you can about Austin itself. Go visit every museum (check for the free admission days!); get a library card and read books about Austin or Texas history. Did you know that Austin is the home to the world's largest urban bat cave?! How cool is that? What else can you find out about the place?

+ I still live in the Midwest, but the hubby and I are actually planning on moving to San Antonio as soon as we can land a job down there (we've got kids, so we can't just move willy nilly anymore). MeMail me if you're interested in "conversing" about Iowa, Texas and all the adjustments we both have to make. I'd love to chat :)

And finally, Iowa is also a great place. Depending on where you're from, I wouldn't hesitate to go back (meaning, small town in the NW, not so much. Iowa City, you bet!). Just remember: wherever you go, there you are. I think Austin could be a great growth opportunity for you, and could help you develop skills you probably thought you could never master (in relation to social anxiety). Turn this attitude on its head and start looking at this like the exciting opportunity it is!
posted by wwartorff at 7:29 PM on July 30, 2012

If you're more of a South Austin hippy type, check out Ruta Maya. It's a funky coffee house that has all sorts of classes and live events.

It's closing really soon, like in the next few weeks, FYI. Plus it's pretty much also a bar, I've played shows there and they give you drink tickets and serve shots like any other bar.

Yeah, it really depends on what you're into, but the big thing here is the music scene and the music scene revolves around bars. That's gonna limit you a lot, sorry to say. I honestly can't think of any kind of social/nightlife type activity in Austin that doesn't involve a bunch of people drinking or smoking pot. If that's gonna be a problem, this may not be where you want to live.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:31 PM on July 30, 2012

Modica: Yes, they do. In fact, that's what most of'em do.

http://dlair.net/austin/austin-lair/calendar/ has a list of a bunch of events. Also, check out the Austin D&D Meetup and the Austin RPG Meetup.

Also, in response to DecemberBoy... there's definitely a lot of drinking and pot smoking in Austin. I have a couple of AA friends who participate regularly in these kinds of "scenes" but I suppose they do have more sobriety under their belt. If being around drinking is a trigger, that does make it harder. Though, if being around alcohol isn't a trigger, my experience is that people won't shun you or think you odd for not drinking. I go to many events where most people are drinking and don't drink and I've never had anyone say anything, look at me oddly, etc.
posted by GnomeChompsky at 7:35 PM on July 30, 2012

Though, if being around alcohol isn't a trigger, my experience is that people won't shun you or think you odd for not drinking

Agreed, that's my experience as well (I've lived here almost 20 years), no one is gonna ostracize you for being a non-drinker/pot smoker/whatever, but if you can't be around alcohol or drugs at all without being tempted, you're gonna have a hard time finding stuff to do.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:40 PM on July 30, 2012

The problem isn't people looking at me oddly or strangely for not drinking.

It's me looking at everyone who is drinking and wanting to be there too, wishing I was able to get drunk, or that I was able to just let go like they could. And then that thought keeps running through my head, the desire to let go and the knowledge/belief that I can't, and it makes me extremely self-aware and self-conscious.
posted by Modica at 8:53 PM on July 30, 2012

Okay, so going to parties where people are drinking isn't a safe option for you now. No problem.

Whenever you move, with or without a job, there's a melancholy feeling you get, you left behind what you knew, and you went somewhere and it's not as easy as you thought it would be.

Part of the melancholy is that you want the life you used to have. The problem with that is that the life you remember in your head doesn't really exist, and probably never really existed.

You picked a great place, Austin. So you get a shit job for now, getting out and working is super-important. Having a place to go day by day will help with the depression.

If you want to go to certain venues, go with AA friends. Do you have a local sponsor? If not, getting one should be a priority.

Right now, you've got to fake it till you make it. Everything is temporary and so are your feelings. The smartest thing I ever heard was, "When you look on your life, you remember what you did, not how you felt." So go do stuff.

Check out the roller derby, go see some live music, get a job with like minded folks and hang out with them.

Even if you feel weird, do it anyway. Pretend that you're comfortable and soon, you will be.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:56 AM on July 31, 2012

I am going to voice an unpopular opinion: I don't think Austin is a great place to live. Doubtless, a ton of people love it, and I know I hold a minority opinion, but I think that there's a pretty big gulf between the perception and the reality of the city.

Look, for all its reputation as a haven of progressive politics and counterculture, Austin is by one metric the wealthiest city in the country -- it has the highest per average household spending per year (ie, more money flows out of a given household in Austin than in any other city in the US). Perhaps wealthiest isn't the right term -- but it is a city where there's a lot of money. It took me a couple of years to realize that the people who love the town often tend to throw a lot of money at entertaining themselves (given how low the general cost of living is compared to other peer cities, you can really start to appreciate how much money gets spent on Having a Good Time). When housing prices were getting ridiculous, you could walk around the north central area -- going west off Guadelupe, near Nasty's or Zen -- and find houses that were on the market for $600k that only would be worth $90k most anywhere else in the country. I'm dead serious -- you'd see bungalows in ratty condition with two or three brand new BMW's in front. There is a lot of money in Austin. And wealth does something to a place. It makes it feel like being poor is something you should be ashamed of.

I can't speak to the alcoholism thing very well, but I do have a related complaint about the Austin social culture. I was in a grueling grad school program when I was in Austin, and it seemed like the rest of the town was on a permanent vacation while I was slogging away in a basement lab seven days a week. It was depressing. Austin's a town that is beloved by people who prize being social and connecting with other people; it's a town that values entertainment and conviviality, and it can be really hard to see everyone else apparently having a much better time than you.

It's a perfectly fine place to live. I know plenty of people from Dallas who think Austin's still the only town worth living in in Texas. I think they might have a good point. And certainly, you can find a niche for yourself there. I got back into rowing, and I spent an hour or two putting boats away and cleaning up at the boathouse most nights, and that got me a free pass to use the facilities at one of the rowing clubs on Town Lake. I made friends with some people who had a stable and learned how to ride. Hanging out in the country, hosing down horses, using someone's Corvette as a stereo is one of the finest pleasures in life. Both of those things were free, other than the cost of gas to get there.

(People will tell you to take advantage of a lot of the free things in Austin -- go enjoy the Greenbelt!; well, yeah, but if you're out there in the early evening, a ton of the people paddling in the creek will be smoking a joint. That's fine for a lot of people, but it might make you uncomfortable. A lot of people in Austin will think you're narrowminded for feeling uncomfortable. These people are assholes who cannot understand that some people have different circumstances from themselves.)

But I never clicked with the city. I loved going to the Alamo Drafthouse to watch Die Hard or whatever; I loved driving out into the J-shaped barbecue belt -- you can while away a great Saturday canoeing and stuffing your face with brisket; I loved the heat in the middle of summer, how the sun seemed to tighten your skin around your bones the moment you walked outside. But I lived there for seven years, and I'm done with that town, and I'm never moving back. If your values don't line up well with Austin's -- which, when I was there, seemed to mean that you needed to either be a lawyer, work for a startup, or play drums in three bands -- then that town can make you feel like shit.

Sometimes it sucks to be at a party where everyone else is having fun. I don't think Austin's the best town when you're struggling. It might not be that you need to go back home instead, but it can be a tough town if don't fit in.

Send me a message if you want to know anything else about the city. I hope my own pessimism toward the place isn't contagious. If you want to stay, get outside. Texas, for all its faults, is staggeringly beautiful. Spend a March outdoors in that area, go running, go bouldering, go play in the countryside outside the city. And forget about anyone who wants to go down to Emo's three times a week.

Congratulations on your sobriety.
posted by samofidelis at 9:02 AM on August 2, 2012