Comments on: Should I tell a friend that a contractor I recommended to her has a drug problem?

Question: Should I tell a friend that a contractor I recommended to her has a drug problem?

eeby — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 10:59:39 -0800

Should I tell a friend that a contractor I recommended to her has a drug problem?

I have this casual friend I'll call, "Janet." She's a person I see around town in coffee shops and we chat about books and movies and whatnot. I don't know her well enough to call her up and say "let's get dinner." It's more like just "hey nice to see you."

Several months ago, she mentioned that she needs some skilled work done. I happened to have an acquaintance, "Greg," a friend-of-a-friend, who does that type of work. I don't know Greg well. I've met him a couple times at parties.

I gave them each others' contact info and from what I understand he did some work for her and she was happy with it. They both thanked me. This was months ago.

Recently, I found out that Greg has a drug problem. As I mentioned, I barely know him. The reason I found out was that someone I do know pretty well just went through a painful process of removing this Greg from his life due to his drug use, lying, stealing, erratic behavior, and all the things that generally go along with drug/alcohol problems.

Here's my dilemma:

On one hand, I feel like I should warn Janet about this. I put Greg in touch with her, so I have a responsibility to let her know that she may be dealing with a dishonest person with a drug problem and extremely poor judgement.

On the other hand, it feels wrong for me to divulge someone's personal problems. There's part of me that's going "You need to just mind your own business." It isn't my place to go around spreading negative information about someone. Janet's an adult. She can decide for herself based on her own interactions with Greg whether she wants to deal with him. It isn't necessary for me to pass along second hand information. I've already created one screwed-up situation. If I involve myself further I'm only going to make it worse. By telling Janet about this I could even just wind up causing more stress and problems for her.

What is the right thing to do here? The morally correct thing?

In terms of personal loyalty, I favor Janet's interests over Greg's. I know her better and I like her and think she's a nice person. So maybe I should let that guide me.

Incidentally, this is that LAST time I will ever recommend someone who I don't know well. That was a bad mistake and I have definitely learned my lesson on that issue.

By: BibiRose

BibiRose — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:02:32 -0800

A pattern of erratic behavior and stealing is not just a personal problem if he has access to your friend's house, place of business, whatever.

By: DWRoelands

DWRoelands — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:03:03 -0800

Objectively, it looks like all you have is hearsay about Greg's drug problem. Unless you have specific first-hand knowledge of the drug issue, I would think that you would be best to leave it alone.

By: kavasa

kavasa — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:08:28 -0800

He did the work and she's happy with it?

I'd leave it alone.

By: carmicha

carmicha — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:08:38 -0800

This is gossip. Don't do it.

Just so you know, people often behave differently in their professional lives than they do in their personal lives. Greg may have behaved abominably to the person who disengaged, while still being taking good care of his clients. And finally, it's only potentially relevant at all if Janet needs more work done and plans to retain Greg and you didn't cite evidence of either.

Keep your own counsel.

By: JohnnyGunn

JohnnyGunn — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:11:27 -0800

Once Janet used Greg for business and had a mutually acceptable transaction, it is her relationship with Greg now. However, if I ran into Janet I might ask casually about the work. When she says thank you again, it went well, then you could sort of off handedly mention you heard Greg was having some personal problems but since he is not a good friend of yours, you do not know the details.

By: ian1977

ian1977 — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:11:37 -0800

It is also possible that who ever is saying this about Greg is full of beans.

By: Mr.Know-it-some

Mr.Know-it-some — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:11:37 -0800

Someone you know well reported Greg's "lying, stealing, erratic behavior." Those are things a past (and potential future) client should know about. Even if she had one good experience, she might not want to risk it again in the future. And if he, for example, did electrical work, she might want to have it checked for safety.

But based on what you've said, once you've warned her about the reports you have heard about his behavior, there should be no need to mention the drug use.

By: carmicha

carmicha — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:14:22 -0800

With respect, I also thing you're taking on more responsibility than necessary here when you said I've already created one screwed-up situation. If I involve myself further I'm only going to make it worse. By telling Janet about this I could even just wind up causing more stress and problems for her.

No, you didn't create a screwed up situation: you created a good one-time situation for both Janet and Greg.

Why would this information "cause more stress and problems for [Janet]"? Nothing went wrong last time. At worst, she decides that next time she'll have to find another guy. She's an adult, she can deal.

I think this bears closer examination. Boundaries.

By: KokuRyu

KokuRyu — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:19:45 -0800

You might want to mention it to her.

By: Iteki

Iteki — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:24:12 -0800

"You know Janet, I just wanted to say that I gather Greg's been a bit erratic recently. You are or course welcome to keep using him if you are happy with the work done, but I just wanted to mention that I am no longer giving him my recommendation."

By: judith

judith — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:29:10 -0800

Someone gave me a similar "heads-up" recently about someone I'd hired in the past and would have hired again. I appreciated the additional information, and was able to use my own judgment to determine if I wanted to continue the relationship - just as Janet will be able to. Because it was someone I would employ in my home (without the additional protections of a business relationship/environment), I was especially grateful for the information. In your position, I'd absolutely let her know that you have learned new information, and that you wanted her to have it.

By: pakora1

pakora1 — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:34:47 -0800

Yes. I is not a question of loyalty but a question of safety. Recommending someone whom you dont know well is a big risk. In this case it is a contractor who will be working with her in her home. That is a safety issue. If let's say tomorrow something does happen, how will you face yourself knowing you could have pre-warned her?

By: readery

readery — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:37:15 -0800

Sometimes someone will give a contractor a key to the house to use or let them know where they keep a 'hidden' key. I would let her know that she should be aware if this is the case.

By: Rock Steady

Rock Steady — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:39:10 -0800

Just so you know, people often behave differently in their professional lives than they do in their personal lives. Greg may have behaved abominably to the person who disengaged, while still being taking good care of his clients.

This would be the thing that stops me from telling Janet anything. If I knew firsthand that Greg's work was being affected I might say something, but it is quite possible for one's life to be a mess personally while keeping things together professionally.

By: Flood

Flood — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 11:55:58 -0800

If the situation was reversed - would you want her to tell you?

By: The World Famous

The World Famous — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 12:08:43 -0800

It is also possible that who ever is saying this about Greg is full of beans.

Indeed. And if that's the case, you'd be defaming him to the detriment of his economic interests. If that sounds like legalese, that's because it is.

(I'm not your lawyer and this is not legal advice.)

By: headnsouth

headnsouth — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 12:09:41 -0800

Incidentally, this is that LAST time I will ever recommend someone who I don't know well. That was a bad mistake and I have definitely learned my lesson on that issue.

You didn't recommend him. You shared contact information of an acquaintance you knew of who does the kind of work that another acquaintance wanted done. Unless you lied and said he'd done quality work for you at a reasonable price and you could personally vouch for his character, all you did was pass a phone number along.

There's no lesson to be learned here and no drama you need to wring out of it.

By: sweetkid

sweetkid — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 12:22:33 -0800

Sometimes someone will give a contractor a key to the house to use or let them know where they keep a 'hidden' key. I would let her know that she should be aware if this is the case.

Contractors are not always people who work on houses. Sometimes it's just the term used for someone doing work on contract. Just saying I don't see anything specific that says this person has access to her house or keys for anything.

By: qxntpqbbbqxl

qxntpqbbbqxl — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 12:27:52 -0800

You did recommend him, even if it wasn't with a strong endorsement. Because, presumably, you wouldn't pass along contact information of someone you didn't trust. Pass this information along to Janet, along with the context ("Someone told me Greg has this problem, and I think this source is trustworthy/untrustworthy"), and let Janet decide for herself.

By: the young rope-rider

the young rope-rider — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 12:59:15 -0800

I would contact her, on the phone and NOT in writing, and say that you've heard rumors that he has been acting erratically and irresponsibly, and that since he might have access to her house you thought that she should know.

It's kinda fucked to "not my business" something that could put someone at genuine risk. It's not "gossip" or "drama".

By: purpleclover

purpleclover — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 13:11:56 -0800

Part of his trustworthiness came from the fact that real-life social networks connected Janet and Greg. If those same social connections are passing along info that he's not trustworthy, it's wrong for you to omit this information to Janet.

Please call her. You don't have to be any more certain than you are here, but it's information she should know.

By: yohko

yohko — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 13:28:47 -0800

The reason I found out was that someone I do know pretty well just went through a painful process of removing this Greg from his life due to his drug use, lying, stealing, erratic behavior

It sounds like this might have been a romantic, family, or roommate relationship which SIDKPW had with Greg. Basically, part of Greg's personal life.

You haven't mentioned any reason why Greg's personal life would be relevant to a professional job he completed a few months ago, so my answer is not to tell her.

Do you even know anything about the specifics of what Greg supposedly did? If he disappeared for the weekend and lied about an affair, that doesn't have any bearing on his professional life.

By: antifuse

antifuse — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 14:06:49 -0800

This all really depends. How reliable is the "somebody I do know pretty well"? I've been associated with a handful of personal situations where somebody removes a person from their lives, and the he said/she said aspect of it makes it very hard to tell who is telling the truth, who is lying to cover up their own embarrassment, and who is flat out lying to ruin the other person's reputation. If you really sincerely think that Greg has become a drug using unreliable thief who might steal from his clients? Then by all means you should let Janet know so that he doesn't steal something of value from her house the next time he does an odd job for her. If you're not sure, then you need to be very careful about how you word whatever you tell Janet.

By: LobsterMitten

LobsterMitten — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 14:08:50 -0800

If you've heard that he has stolen things, jeez yes you should tell her.
You can be clear about any uncertainty included in your information (i.e., tell her it's hearsay and let her make her own evaluation).

By: antifuse

antifuse — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 14:12:05 -0800

(of course, the problem with hearsay is that, even if you tell somebody that it IS hearsay, I imagine that many people are going to err on the side of "Yeah, I think I'll play it safe regardless, there's lots of contractors out there")

By: GeeEmm

GeeEmm — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 16:15:18 -0800

If the job hadn't been done, 'yes'.

As the job has been done, I suggest you don't take any initiative to tell her, but next time you are talking to her relate what you have heard - in case she wants any more work done. Let her decide, since what is at issue here is honesty of a person who has access to her home and (indirectly) her wallet.

This assumes you know the person who passed on this information well enough to trust their version of events.

By: BlueHorse

BlueHorse — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 16:24:50 -0800

Listen to Flood: If the situation was reversed - would you want her to tell you?

"You know Janet, I just wanted to say that I gather Greg's been a bit erratic recently. You are or course welcome to keep using him if you are happy with the work done, but I just wanted to mention that I am no longer giving him my recommendation."

Well said.

By: el_yucateco

el_yucateco — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 07:18:34 -0800

You really know nothing of this situation. You don't know what level of "drug problem" he has... was the guy Greg wronged possibly his roommate? I ask because a pothead roommate stealing your pizzas or the $5 you left on the coffee table is alot different than a heroin addict desperate for a fix.

You may know more about the situation, but with the sparse information you provided, I would not listen to anyone's advice here because you didn't provide nearly enough context.

All that being said, this is really none of your business, you were only responsible for that initial meetup and any future dealing they had is their business.

By: el_yucateco

el_yucateco — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 07:20:59 -0800

Also may mention that if I was in Greg's shoes, and heard that someone I barely knew was going around town ruining my business relationships behind my back, I'd have a pretty big bone to pick with you. You may want to stay out of it for your own self preservation. After all, if he is at all delusional, he's going to blame you for cutting off his cash flow (which would be technically accurate)

By: eeby

eeby — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 10:01:29 -0800

Thanks for the suggestions, all.