Help me get over myself

July 22, 2012 5:06 PM

How do I get over myself and stop holding others to my behavior standards and being passive-resentful when they don't meet them?

It may sound like going against human nature, but I would like to stop faulting others for not meeting my standards. Even if I don't speak out against them, I resent them in my mind and I believe that shows in my actions and can be incredibly annoying to others. Example:

I am 3 minutes late to meeting a friend. The friend tells me why that's a problem and is a little annoyed. In my mind: I have been early the past times we meet and even when you are late, I don't say anything. In real life: I don't say anything, just acknowledge that I'm late.

The thing is-- just because I don't speak out against others, doesn't mean they shouldn't be direct with me. I can't expect others to avoid confrontation like I do. This mindset has made me feel like the victim/ others are wrong in a lot of situation, and the fact that I keep these thoughts to myself means that 1) Situations don't improve; 2) I start resenting others and others can sense that; 3) people don't know why I am unhappy.

A big part of this is learning to be direct with others and communicate without tip-toeing around feelings. I'd also like to get rid of the mindset that others should be as nice and inoffensive as I am/ a holier-than-thou attitude. My family has addressed this with me, but I need "objective" strangers to be harsh and talk sense into me so I take it more seriously. Thanks and please be straight with me.

posted by ichomp to human relations (14 answers total)

Righteous indignation is a very powerful emotion. It validates your own worldview while making comparisons to others that puts you in a more attractive light. So not only do you get to be upset with people for stating something negative to you, you get to be "better" for not expressing the same sorts of things to them.

I would start by identifying the times when you're judging others and finding yourself the "better" person for the way you do things. Especially if you can catch yourself doing it, you can change the script from something like, "I don't give my friends grief for small transgressions," to something like, "It's refreshing to know exactly where I stand with this person."

It sounds clunky and phony, but re-scripting emotions in your own head can be a part of cognitive behavioral therapy and it can really work to stop the kinds of thinking that you find unhelpful.
posted by xingcat at 5:25 PM on July 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

The more you express how you feel - and I don't think it matters when, it can be some time after the fact, just as long as you actually articulate how you feel - then you'll find that you are far less resentful.

What stops us from doing this is fear - what if that person invalidates how I feel, what if they think I'm being picky, what if they don't like me anymore. I think, though, by not communicating honestly and openly, you're hurting yourself more. And if anyone takes issue with you communicating how you feel, then you have to evaluate whether you want to continue to associate with that person. But you should not be afraid of expressing your feelings out of fear of upsetting someone else. So that is by and large the root of the problem.

Now, it take time to develop so go easy on yourself. But the more you do it, the easier it will be. And CBT will help with that feeling of - it is rude to ask for what I want/it is rude to convey that I am upset with someone's actions. Instead, you will see that it makes you happier to ask for what you want and to express your feelings honestly.
posted by heyjude at 5:33 PM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I can also be holier than though but recently when an always late friend chided me for being late I was like "WHAT?" Don't even go there!

It's probably always better to vocalize your feelings at the time BUT with an appropriate filter.

Also, note, when you are early it makes people seem later- so you will remember waiting for the person for much longer than you did. I grew up with a bit of this "But I did this for you!" and you are thinking "oh, you didn't have to".

So your friend is not beholden to you for anything, nor is your family for the most part. People are different- so I'm punctual (usually) but then other people are better at finding fun things to do.

I'm intense about times and what to eat and other people are more spontaneous- it kills me, but often they're right about things, and taking a risk and trying something new. Just because you have your way of doing things, doesn't necessarily mean it's the "right way". Especially if it's making you unhappy and other people are pointing it out.
posted by bquarters at 5:40 PM on July 22, 2012

*thou*
posted by bquarters at 5:41 PM on July 22, 2012

You seem to have two slightly contradictory goals? One is to stop being irritated and the other is to more directly voice your irritation. I would suggest that you work on number 2. If you tell this friend what you are thinking then you may find that she realizes that she is being unreasonable and then you are all good. Or she may provide a compelling counter argument and you will realize that you were wrong. Again- an improvement.

I think presenting this situation to yourself as 'I need to stop judging others' is a little self-defeating because you're still placing yourself in the superior position of allowing but accepting others' faults.

The second part of your question seems to recognize this as an assertiveness issue, which seems more productive to me. So eliminate the description of this as you becoming more tolerant from the way you see it and speak of it (as bet you can!).
posted by jojobobo at 5:41 PM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I am 3 minutes late to meeting a friend. The friend tells me why that's a problem and is a little annoyed.

Three minutes late, seriously? I'd be asking them why 3 minutes is such a big deal.
posted by BibiRose at 5:46 PM on July 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Are you asking how to genuinely relax and not let minor things bother you?
posted by 99percentfake at 5:46 PM on July 22, 2012

"Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. " Deepak Chopra

This quote has really helped me with my interactions with people lately. I have a tendency to live in my head and to get worked up about scenarios that I have created - that may or may not exist. It's draining.

So I start by relinquishing my need to control, to be in charge of the situation, to find the solution to the world's problems. I've started to signal myself when I start to get into control mode. Just the same way my brain gets a signal when I see 4pm on my clock at work and knows that I can stop now because it's the end of the day. If I feel myself getting antsy because who will feed all these starving children in the world? That's when I look for the metaphoric clock that tells me that it's the end of the day, the weight is off, I don't have to do anything about anything. This works really well if you fake the feeling of relief, because eventually you will feel relieved that whatever it is, it's not your responsibility.

I've stopped being so focused on having the approval of others. So if someone is annoyed that I am late, I do apologize, but I don't go on at length about the times I've waited for them or that my car is on the fritz or that I feel really terrible about being late. I just apologize and leave it at that. Basically what others think of you is none of your business.

If you have negative self-talk, don't just notice it but consistently correct it. I have found that if I criticize myself less, it helps me not to judge others. Give yourself more kindness and understanding. Try thinking of the sensitive side of yourself, the part that gets hurt the most easily, as a defenseless child that you a responsible for caring for and protecting. This may help you to speak up and act as a stronger advocate for the way you wish to be treated.

It may also be helpful to journal what you want to say to others. Start by being as blunt as you want to be, because it's just between you and yourself for now. It is practice for what you want to say and it can give you a much better idea of what exactly it is you want from someone or what is really the heart of the matter.

I hope this helps you in some way.
posted by it's a long way to south america at 5:55 PM on July 22, 2012 [13 favorites]

I have a friend* who does this. In her case it seems to be tied to an overall tendency towards acting like a child: expecting everyone to look out for her, take responsibility for stuff and generally treat her like a favored little sister all the time. She is comfortable in this role and not comfortable being merely another peer in a group.

She tends to choose as close friends people who are willing to take charge, then she becomes resentful when they don't for some reason. It's also a control thing for her, she will deliberately be late or do something like that then resent being called out on it, because she did something nice like 2 weeks ago. This creates a whole round of "what's wrong?" and talking about her feelings and ideally, an apology to her. She will also create situations where she needs advice or looking after in some way when she feels that she's not the center of attention. Again, this is annoying, especially because it often involves her asking advice about interpersonal problems she's having with other people I know and her complaining about things they did to make her feel sad or angry or whatever. Even when she acknowledges they did not do it on purpose (for example being angry at someone who got a job she wanted and asking us not to invite them to a bbq because it would make her upset to see them. Request NOT granted! Lots of pouting ensued).

I'm not saying you do any of this but these are some really noticeable patterns I've noticed in this person's behavior and mutual friends have also mentioned similar thoughts. Her unrealistic expectations are based on the fact that other people in the past have treated her as a precocious child (she dated a professor in college for example, and another in grad school) and she likes that role. But she's 30 now so time to get over it.

*soon to be former friend if she doesn't stop it, because it is very annoying.
posted by fshgrl at 6:10 PM on July 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Humor sometimes helps. My mother was giving me serious grief once when she was sixty and I was thirty. I told her something like "When I am sixty, I will be as good as you are. However, you will then be ninety and will still think I am a loser." She laughed, shut up and walked off. She has been easier to deal with ever since.

Also, express yourself more generally, not just when you are irritated. When my mother was largely not speaking to me, I promptly sent a written thank you note with a short but sincere handwritten note any time she did anything for me. At some point, she kind of criticized me for sending the notes and told me to just call her, that she would rather hear from me. In other words, she was willing to talk to me again. Things have been better ever since. Telling her I sincerely appreciate things she does for me makes it easier to take that I also tell her things like "please don't do x because it's a problem for me." (that was part of why she didn't really want to talk to me for a time -- too many uncomfortable requests to please stop doing x, y and z).

The point: Maybe your friend feels unappreciated or put upon in some way and is making a big deal out of your lateness as a proxy for what is really bothering them. Telling people in your life you care, they matter, you appreciate all that they do, etc makes it much, much easier to say something like "I am normally on time and while I am sorry I am late, I don't see any reason to fall on my sword here either."
posted by Michele in California at 6:35 PM on July 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

One of my greatest accomplishments, even though I doubt anyone else is aware of it, is that I've managed to change the outward expression of how I respond to criticism that really stings. Somehow, and I'm not sure where this came from, I managed to change my reaction to criticism that hurts from "fuck off, asshole", or "I'msorryandI'llneverdoitagain", to a quiet and collected "Thank you".

"Thank you" for pointing out a place where my perception of myself didn't match the reality of myself.

"Thank you" for helping me see some place where I wasn't looking at my own actions honestly.

"Thank you" for making plain that I had expectations of my own performance that weren't met. Because it's not about them complaining that I'm 3 minutes late, I try to be on-freakin'-time and I believe that doing so is a point of respect and I hate when I'm 3 minutes late, it's that they're pointing out to me that on the one hand I might believe that 3 minutes is forgivable, and on the other hand I do believe that punctuality is important and by being late I have indeed let my own standards slip. And they've pointed that out.

Because if it wasn't a matter of my own standards I wouldn't take it so seriously. It wouldn't hurt when they pointed it out. I'd be able to say "yesh, what a dweeb, why do I care what they think?". But when it hurts it points out that there's an internal disconnect in my model of how I should behave, and they've managed to help me to see that disconnect so that I can examine it and figure out how to fix it.

So: "Thank you".
posted by straw at 7:05 PM on July 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

You might want to look into Elaine Aron's ideas on linking vs ranking. It's been a while since I read her book, The Undervalued Self, but I remember the ideas in it were quite interesting. I'm not entirely sure if it will help you, but it's worth looking into.
posted by icanbreathe at 7:54 PM on July 22, 2012

it really helps me in similar situations to keep my eye on the ball - what's the purpose of my being here, what do i hope to achieve, what do i need to do in this moment to achieve this thing? the more i focus on my purpose in the moment, the less tempted i am to take stuff personally. the problem with speaking your mind about how you feel is that (at least if you're me) your feelings are based on total misperceptions about half the time, and you end up having to apologize :-) so i'm not of the "build self-esteem by assertively communicating with others" school, i'm more with the "stick to the text, ignore the sub-text and the meta-text" group.
posted by facetious at 9:21 PM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Please forgive me for questioning you, but I find your example hard to believe. Your friend corrected you for being three minutes late? Are you leaving something out, like, it was the 3:00 flight and they were mad because you arrived at 3:03? because short of that it sounds like other people are holding you to unreasonable standards rather than vice versa.

If the story is accurate as told, I wouldn't bother to say anything but "sorry" because there's just no point in arguing with someone who would correct you over something so tiny.

The second time, if I thought I had a future with them in which this issue was going to bug me, I might say "can you explain why a three-minute delay is so troublesome? It's not like I've even been three minutes late more than once before." If I wasn't satisfied with their reasons, like "it's a rehearsal and there are professional standards here" or "there goes our flight, dumbass" then I'd probably say "well those are your standards, I don't agree, but I do usually arrive on time."

Then the third time I'd say "cut out the criticism".

Again though, I don't see how this is an example of your holding others to your standards and not vice versa.
posted by tel3path at 9:00 AM on July 23, 2012