I love my husband, but I miss what we used to do, so what do I do to help him see?

July 17, 2012 2:15 PM

Married, LIttle with a capital L. How can I get my husband to see what I'm lacking and how it hurts?

I have been married for 6 years years. My husband and I are both professionals-- I work as a clerk, with side hobbies/business with art and music, and he works in IT with a side venture working with a non-profit historical organization/ museum. We met years ago at an ageplay site, so while he knew off the bat, he has or had a strong caretaker streak, and I have a more littleish side. It's nothing sexual for either of us, but is a part and parcel of personalities.

We having a satisifying adult relationship-- neither of us are dissatisfied sexxually, we split household duties, we share emotional support, and also have a healthy social life with others near us. He has been working quite hard for the last year on preserving a local site of historical interest. It's very important to him, so I do my best to support him however he asks, emotionally, logistically, whatever. My "little mode", as we call it is mostly a time for silly kids games or macaroni and cheese and crayons, etc... a way to emotionally recharge my batteries and for him-- at least he said in the beginning-- to indulge his nuturing side. I always make sure to take care of all adult responsibilities before any sort of littleness, and he said he's very happy with our relationship emotionally and sexually, and doesn't feel like my bout of little time encroach on anything.

I have been struggling with some emotional ups and downs, and I woke up yesterday feeling really small and pathetic and the whole day I just wanted to have a spot of "little time". Just he and I, cuddling, maybe reading a story together or coloring or something, like we used to. and I told my husband this but when he got home a call from the mesuem came in and it was an emergency that happened and he had to deal with it so it wasn't his fault but at the same time part of me thinks that even if a museum emergency hadn't happened we still wouldn't have done anything with me... because he keeps saying he will, that he misses it too, and then never does.

it makes me sad cause... well here I am... most of the time it's fine I can ignore these feelings or ease them by drawing pictures or other creative outputs and work and retreating into imaginary scenarios, but it's just weird that I have a husband, we met on an ageplay website and in the beginning he was an amazing caretaker type too, an enthusiatic one, even, and it was something we did every few months and I felt loved and cherished and very very happy and my adult relationship with him is a very happy one...

... but the little/caretkish side of our relationship has been gone for quite a long time now, I'm not talking days weeks or months I'm talking years now, and it makes me feel sad when I think about it so I try not to think about it all that often.

but I don't know what changed in our relationship to make him not like me in that way anymore. I've spoken to him several times about this but nothing changes and I think nagging him about it just makes it worse, so I stopped talking to him about it but I can't fix it if I don't talk to him about it... it's just... this is a part of me. I can't help it. it's not a hobby it's like part of my core and when I shut it away it feels like I'm cutting off all these brilliant emotions and feeling and it just leaves me with this aching heart feeling that hurts so much that it makes my finger joints ache. I love my husband, he means so much to me... but I'm also tired of feeling neglected. Why can I do to express how I feel and what he is doing sometimes hurts or contributes to feeling missed out on without making him upset or thinking I don't value him?

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 answers total)

Just as with any sexual/emotional need that's not being met, you may need to have councelling to really bring forth and discuss any changes in your relationship.

It's possible that your husband isn't into ageplay anymore. People's interests change over time and he may not want to do it anymore. He should be honest with you if that's the case.

No matter what though, it sounds like your husband is not meeting your needs. If he won't go to counseling, I suggest that you do, as feeling neglected and sad is pretty much the reason people go for therapy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:22 PM on July 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

First, it's not because he doesn't like you. He still loves you, It's probably a scheduling/effort issue. I suggest writing out a short letter saying what you want to say here and--this is important--asking him to schedule time for you to be little with no interruptions or other duties.

Good luck and please feel free to mefimail or email me!
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:38 PM on July 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

The most important thing you can do is share how you're feeling with your husband. You've written movingly here of the feelings you're experiencing, and that can't have been easy; you can do the same with him.

It is possible that his interest in ageplay has passed. Here's the thing, though: just because he's not interested in taking in explicitly roleplaying a parent/child relationship doesn't mean that he's not interested in taking care of you any more. If care-taking is a role that he found fulfilling in the context of ageplay, it's one he's likely going to continue to find fulfilling without the roleplay.

If that's the case, you might consider exploring some activities that give you the same feeling of being taken care of that your little time gives you, but that he remains comfortable with. Cuddling, for example, isn't something that you can only do while pretending you're a child. Neither is reading aloud/being read to, and if Goodnight Moon doesn't feel right for him anymore, The Little Prince might (and you'll like the part with the Rose).

But it all starts with an open conversation. That's not easy; but for now the part of you that's little is going to be taken care of, your adult self is going to have to take on some of the responsibility for doing so, and that means opening up with your husband about what you need.

Good luck!
posted by longtime_lurker at 2:39 PM on July 17, 2012 [4 favorites]

Also, you might have been so focused on making him proud of you that you forgot to show how vulnerable you are, how much you need him. Let him really feel that need from you.
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:55 PM on July 17, 2012 [4 favorites]

but I don't know what changed in our relationship to make him not like me in that way anymore.

I would strongly advise you to not default to framing that this way. You don't have any actual evidence - just your own fears - that this is the cause of the problem.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:58 PM on July 17, 2012 [10 favorites]

Maybe the lion's share of his nurturing energy is going to his project right now, instead of you. Projects can be like children, always needing attention. Maybe right now he just doesn't have the reserves to play like you used to.

I would try pursuing these things on your own. Make time for coloring and soothe yourself. Don't make it a requirement that he participate. It's possible if he sees you engaging in these behaviors he will remember why he liked them and join in. But right now, asking for more nurturing energy might feel like a demand when he's all tapped out.
posted by griselda at 3:27 PM on July 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

One of the problems I see here is that you have absolutely no idea of how to negotiate. Please don't feel bad: you're not alone - 90% of the world operates the same way. People often conflate "expressing your needs" to your partner as being the same thing as negotiating, and it absolutely is not. Let me explain how negotiation really works.

Negotiation starts when two people want separate things. Sometimes one partner develops an interest in BDSM, or wants to "open up" the relationship. Sometimes it's something more mundane, like wanting the other person to have a hot meal ready every day. Whatever the case, when one person wants something, and the other person wants something different, this is where you express your needs and begin the negotiation. In this case, you want to indulge in ageplay, and your husband (for whatever reason) just isn't interested anymore.

Every negotiation process has two fundamental operating principles that each party must ask themselves.

1) What can I do for you? (The carrot - ie, how can I make your life happier?)
2) What can I do to you? (The stick - ie, how can I make your life miserable?)

Negotiation, at its simplest core, consists of both parties using these two tools, the carrot and the stick, in conjunction to achieve a compromise. Relationship negotiation differs in tone, but is fundamentally the same at heart. For example: "If you don't meet my needs, I'll eventually break up with you (the stick) but if you make me happy, I'll give you a blowjob each week (the carrot)."

Clearly your emotional needs are not being met, and your husband is not interested in meeting them. What is your carrot and stick? Obviously, you can make his life pretty miserable by breaking up with him, or nagging him to get what you want under the guise of "open communication." (As you've done already.) That's an effective stick. But what's your carrot?

Here's the root of the problem - you don't know. Obviously the ageplay thing doesn't satisfy him anymore. So what does? Maybe he's developed an interest in BSDM, and if you offer to let him tie you up once a week he'll indulge you in your ageplay. Maybe he just needs more space, and you can offer to give him one night a week to be alone. The point is, you don't have a carrot. Instead of investigating what his needs are and trying to arrange an exchange so that BOTH of your needs can be met, you're complaining and getting more frustrated about it. In other words, you're using the stick without offering a carrot.

In my opinion, this is 90% of the problem with the relationship advice people give on Metafilter - they don't negotiate professionally (I do this for my job, with millions of dollars at stake) and they don't understand that you need a carrot also. They'll give tons of stick-related advice like "You need to express your needs, and if he's not willing to meet them, DTMFA" but they completely overlook that YOU need to also investigate what his needs are. The "What can I do to you" negotiation principle is the absolute last thing you should try - if you open up with "What can I do for you" your relationship will be so much healthier.

My recommendation is for you to investigate your husband in a friendly, inquisitive way. Clearly he's changed and you don't know what would make him happy as well as you thought you did. Find out what he likes and how you can contribute to his happiness. Then you'll have a carrot that you can actually begin a legitimate negotiation with.

Or you could instead just get more and more frustrated without expressing it. I can't picture that having good results, but it's your call...
posted by wolfdreams01 at 4:19 PM on July 17, 2012 [93 favorites]

griselda: "Maybe the lion's share of his nurturing energy is going to his project right now, instead of you. Projects can be like children, always needing attention. Maybe right now he just doesn't have the reserves to play like you used to.

I would try pursuing these things on your own. Make time for coloring and soothe yourself. Don't make it a requirement that he participate. It's possible if he sees you engaging in these behaviors he will remember why he liked them and join in. But right now, asking for more nurturing energy might feel like a demand when he's all tapped out."

I dunno-- the OP says they already pursue those things on their own, and it's been years since there was any little time.

I get that you've spoken with your husband about this before, and are feeling frustrated because nothing has changed. But don't doubt that your needs are unreasonable and don't think that he's stopped liking you.

The thing is, I think that the chances that people will end up with a partner whose needs, ideas and interests match up 100 percent all the time are zero. SAnd that means that both partners in a relationship should do SOME sort of give and take (in good faith, obviously) in order to meet both partner's needs-- but in a way that doesn’t leave either of you feeling hurt or neglected or put upon. Does that mean you will both get everything you want all the time, forever? Nope. But I believe that people in a comitted relationship have a right to put their needs out there, to be be able to really, trully express them as well as the hand-in-hand responsibility to meet a partner’s needs if at all possible, and if those needs and requests are at all reasonable.

Your needs?

Reasonable.

Your request?

Also reasonable.
posted by ShawnStruck at 9:12 PM on July 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Your plight has stayed with me since I read your question yesterday and set me off thinking.

Lots of adults keep meaning to do something with the kid but somehow never get around to doing it. For me it was getting the kids outside to the playground. Somehow we never did it - the logistics of finding the missing sneaker or whatever was missing, on top of the distractions of the day's routines, chores and books meant that the poor little blighters ended up doing most of their active play indoors, or when they were taken out for some other reason.

Your situation is compounded by the fact that when I failed to take the time to photograph my kids in the Sunday best outfit that was my grandfather's in 1904 when he was almost three years old they rapidly grew too big for it. Your husband has no such urgency in your case.

Similarly lots of adults truly want to get back to some project or the other but then never find time for it, despite having time for it and even making it convenient. For me this is practicing playing an instrument. I've tripped over my music stand so many times, but the only time I ever touch it is when I move it so I can sweep.

I don't know if you have already tried any or all of the approaches I am going to start throwing at you, but it does sound like you haven't talked the subject to death so if you think your husband would be willing to be approached again perhaps you could try arranging for Little time differently?

How does your husband schedule his time? Is his calendar full of meetings? Or does he get distracted by answering his e-mails and that uses up his evenings? My first suggestion is that using the method he seems to work best with him, propose clearly to him that you book a specific Little time - if he likes appointments set in advance give him a week's lead in, and for a very specific activity that requires a specific schedule. -Not colouring books this time, but a trip to the petting zoo which closes at six.

Be extremely specific: Hand him a list of possibilities and ask him to schedule at least an hour for one of them within the next seven days.

Another thing you could do is try to find a time when the pair of you regularly do something together, and propose that you do a Little activity instead. For example, let's say you like to watch TV together late in the evening, he's watching the set and you drop down on the sofa and watch it beside him. Perhaps you could suggest that your TV watching time either become your Little time, or be the lead in to your Little time, so that when "Third Rock from the Sun" ends it's time to put the Little to bed. Or else you could ask him if he would enjoy watching a nice family cartoon with you, instead of something that only amuses your mature side.

If your guy goes past the bookstore every day on his way from the office to the coffee shop, ask him to stop in and get a nice picture book with nice illustrations that he can read to you. Be specific, and make requests that are not too complicated.

He may have gotten somewhat bored with the things you used to do- colouring books only hold so much charm for a Big, so finding different activities might be a better starter for him. How about you ask him to pick up a set of kindergarten sized Lego and then he can supervise you playing with those?

If he's a fairly articulate guy, you can try asking him questions like, "What did you most enjoy about our Little time?" Then you might have an idea what part of the Little time would most please him and motivate him to do it again. Ask if anything has changed so that certain aspects of your Little time might not work as well for you. For example if he's not getting as much exercise as he used to his back might not be in good shape for demonstrating his adult strength to you.

Have you tried to signal your need the way a very good little person would do so? A brat would sit down in the middle of the floor and shriek, but a very good little person might be found sitting in the corner with her blankie and whimpering quietly that she wants her Daddy. I dunno what kind of scenario would work for the pair of you but kids often take priority because their needs are so unavoidable. If the kid has missed lunch and is overdue for her nap it takes a remarkably clueless caretaker to miss the fact that a biscuit, a cuddle, a trip to the po and a darkened room with a crib are urgent because the kid is loudly going straight into meltdown status. Or alternatively because the kid is in the pantry doggedly trying to rip food packages open and has managed to remove all the labels from all the cans. You don't want to make him frustrated and angry, but you might find that he could respond to a situation where he is being asked to jump right up and look after you right now. As an Little in an adult body you are probably not signalling Look After Me Right NOW, because you don't need someone who can actually operate a can opener or make mac'n'cheese to take over for you. Again, ask him. What scenario makes him happy? Being an unexpected rescuer, or a well scheduled thorough type caretaker?

I don't know if any of these will help but this is where my speculation led me and I am hoping that some part of this rumination could be useful to you.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:57 AM on July 18, 2012 [4 favorites]

Also please consider joining the People from Metafilter on Fetlife group. I'm not sure if you identify with that particular crowd, but we'd be happy to have you there.
posted by the young rope-rider at 11:15 AM on July 18, 2012

I don't know that I have an answer for your question, more just hope that you can find what you're seeking. It doesn't seem to me that you're asking too much, and it sure seems to mean a lot for so much of your life; I'd hate to see your creativity get cut off as you've described.

I don't know about carrots and sticks and all of that, this seems to me to be pretty simple and seems not too much for you to ask, and the benefits to both of you -- in enhancing the intimacy you've described -- the benefits to both of you seem so great.

You're not out of line. You're not asking for too much here.

Perhaps he's angry about something and cannot/will not tell you about it, and the only way to hold to his anger is by cutting away from the closeness -- I don't know.

Please get help if you can't get there on your own -- the Metafilter standby, get thee to a couples therapist; another person can be so beneficial, to bring up both of your needs/wants in the presence of another can be healing, can result in intimacy.

I'm writing to say please don't give up on this, to say it doesn't seem as though it'd be that difficult to get back there, and I damn sure hope for both of you that you are able to do so.

Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:45 PM on July 19, 2012

People in healthy relationships often view their partner's happiness or emotional well-being as a "carrot" in and of itself, which is why partners accompany each other to funerals and take care of each other when they're puking without first requesting a tangible reward.

In the case of this form of caregiver/little relationship, the "carrot" is not only your happiness, but your very vulnerability and neediness. Being needed is generally satisfying for ageplay tops.

Best of luck, and please let us know how it goes.
posted by the young rope-rider at 11:23 AM on July 21, 2012

A couple ideas:

(a) Discuss scheduling some play time. Agree on a reasonable amount (once a week?). As unchildish, unspontaneous as it sounds, if hardworking couples can do it for sex, there's no reason it can't work for this too.

(b) Try meeting other people into ageplay so that you can expand your support network for this need. It does sound like your husband is crazy-busy with his job, and just like how libido suffers, so too this need suffers. If you had a girlfriend-type buddy to hang out with once in a while, it might help balance for your needs while your husband is over-engaged by his job. Hey, it might even enrich this aspect of your relationship too!

Thanks for this post, as I never knew what this term meant before. I have a friend who will really benefit from reading this post, who could really use an ageplay buddy.
posted by human ecologist at 3:15 PM on July 21, 2012