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How to Sext better?
July 17, 2012 10:14 AM   Subscribe

Help me "sext" better.

I'm a little socially awkward, but I love sex, I've just always been bad at TALKING about it.

I've gotten a little better at asking for what I want, or otherwise communicating during sex, but outside of the actual act talking about it just seems... awkward.

Recently my guy was out of town and told me to "text him something dirty"

I made an attempt and the response was "we'll work on it"

I turned it into a joke and said "well, I'm glad you don't say that after sex, or we'd be having a lot less sex!" but I guess it kind of hurt my feelings.

Words like "cock" and "pussy" make me uncomfortable (and just don't sound nice.) and words like "penis" and "vagina" sound overly clinical. The best I ever have are things like "I'm horny" or "I want to rip your clothes off." Anything in-depth is super forced and feels awkward to me, and that comes off in the text I guess.

How do you deal with the awkwardness that is talking dirty, or sexting, and come off looking like you aren't super uncomfortable?
posted by pandorasbox to Human Relations (23 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
I find that masturbating while I talk or type dirty lowers my inhibitions. It makes typing a little tougher, but I get better results.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 10:20 AM on July 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


has he texted what he considers dirty things to you?

also, i can see that "we'll work on it" would hurt your feelings. you were putting yourself out there in a way that made you uncomfortable, so that's understandable.

not everyone likes the same kind of dirty talk. have you guys talked about it since? maybe he could be a little more helpful in telling you what he would like to hear and then maybe it wouldn't be so awkward since you'd know he was comfortable, and turned on, by what you were saying.
posted by sio42 at 10:20 AM on July 17, 2012


Tell him to text YOU something dirty. Criticizing you was a jerk move and he should figure out how to make you comfortable again, plus he should provide more guidance if his standards are going to be specific.

Anyway, I don't know what your boyfriend likes. What turns YOU on to talk about? What do you want HIM to tell you in order to turn you on? That makes sexting a lot easier and more fun than trying to guess what will make the other person hot.

If you're at a total loss just reference a prior sexual act and tell him you're thinking about it and touching yourself or something. "Remember that time in Boca when I went down on you on the hotel balcony? I can't stop thinking about it and how good it felt to have my mouth all over you etc etc etc".
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:21 AM on July 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Ask him what he likes to hear, and then say that, and gauge its effectiveness by trying out things when you're actually on the phone with him, or there in person, and you can hear his breathing and reactions. The awkwardness of certain dirty words, if they're what he likes to hear, is often overcome by knowing what an effect you're having on him. Confidence will overcome a lot.

Think about what you'd like to be doing with him and then describe that.

Don't use clinical terms.

Also his response needs to not be "We'll work on it" if you made an honest attempt. That's shitty. He needs to try to be encouraging.

He also needs to recognize that not everyone's the same, and this is why it's so important he tell you what he likes to hear. For me, for example, the word "pussy" is an instant turnoff. So everyone's different.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:21 AM on July 17, 2012


You would probably be more comfortable with subtle thiings... try starting with what would be the equivalent of foreplay. "I miss your lips on my neck" ... that kind of stuff. Then you can progress, but will probably be more comfortable with the dirtier stuff as you go.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:22 AM on July 17, 2012


What do you want HIM to tell you in order to turn you on?

BTW an example of this is you saying something like "tell me how you're going to make me wet" or some such thing.
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:24 AM on July 17, 2012


Him: "My tongue can't wait to explore every hole and crevice on your body."
Me: "The effect a simple text can have on the human body is marvelous."

Modify for your purposes and go from there.
posted by thrasher at 10:38 AM on July 17, 2012


If he says, "Text me something dirty," start asking him some really graphic questions about what he's going to do when he gets it. Something like, "Will that make you hard?"

The cool thing about texting is that it can be short bursts of information that go back and forth, so you can subtly turn the tables on him and make him do all the dirty work (pun intended) for you. Just keep asking him what he's doing, what he wants to do to you, what he wants you to do to him, etc. He'll write his own script and think you're doing it.
posted by xingcat at 10:49 AM on July 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Fuck is a nice dirty word that isn't so clinical. I think sexting is pretty silly, but you can't laugh at 'fuck'.

Can't wait for you to get home so we can fuck. If you were here we'd be fucking. Just get home and fuck me already.

One's mouth goes dry.
posted by fleacircus at 10:59 AM on July 17, 2012


What dirty words does he use? With a little experience, I found that I don't like "pussy", but "cunt" works great. Not "tits", but "breasts".

I'm usually uncomfortable with sexting unless I'm really turned on. Having the responsibility to accurately describe what I'm imagining is kind of stressful. Maybe you'd feel better about it if he took the lead by example?
posted by WasabiFlux at 11:03 AM on July 17, 2012


Usually, I would take something uncomfortable and make it completely innocent and then open a dialogue to be taught. In other words, my initial response to the request of "text me something dirty" would be something like: "socks dragged through the mud." followed by "dog poop on the bottom of a shoe." and when he says you are being silly, then ask him to give you an example of what meant. From there, you can take what he says and make variations of it.

Most of all, try to have fun because it's about having fun!
posted by Yellow at 11:26 AM on July 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Criticizing you was a jerk move --> troo dat

Does something in particular come to mind when you are having dirty thoughts about him? Put that in language you are comfortable with. I don't think this stuff has to be too filthy, but in a good relationship, honesty should be your friend, and if you are using [memory of perverted sex act X] or [memory of that nice picnic] to give yourself a fuzzy feeling when you think about him, then text away about whatever it is you like to muse on, without trying too hard to be all dirty-wordy. "No, seriously, I get off thinking about [...]" should lead in a positive direction no matter what [...] is.
posted by kmennie at 11:39 AM on July 17, 2012


I hear you. I think women in general have a harder time being sexually explicit, because we are socialized to be Good Girls. We can let go with the actual sexysex times in private (1and even tske some pride in being "a whore in the bedroom" Like the old saying goes), but we worry about coming across as "slutty" or "skanky" in public. So, yeah, your BF was a jerk for his "we'll work on it" comment, though he probably meant it to be funny.

You don't have to use words like "pussy" if you don't want to! Funnily enough, I agree with the consensus that for some reason cunt just seems friendlier to me, and I know a lot of women share my antipathy for "moist". Guys, if you want to turn a girl right off, ask her about her moist pussy. ugh.

So, OP, what do you do while you're working on this sexting stuff? Well, one tactic is to ramp up the Suspense factor and let his imagination work for you:

You: I just can't wait until you get here!
BF: oh, *really*? Why?
You: Just wait and see, Honey.
BF: C'mon. Tell me.
You: Oh but then it won't be a surprise!
BF: that's okay. c'mon. I love dirty talk!
You: Well okay, but just a little. I still have to run out and get us some...special supplies for tonight.
BF: (intrigued) Supplies? like what?
You: Well, you know, nothing special. Candles, matches...
BF: (bored) uh huh.
You: A shower curtain, jalapeno peppers, oil and cinnamon, carpet tacks, a shetland pony...
BF: wait, WHAT?! What do you need all that for?
You: Silly! You need the matches to light the candles! How else am I going to warm up the oil?
BF: Mmm.. Warm oil....I think I'm getting what the shower curtain is for now!
You: oh, good. I really should go get ready now. Those knots aren't going to tie themselves!
BF: Wait! What knots? And what are the peppers for? And that other stuff?!
You: Sorry, Baby. Gotta go.
BF: AT LEAST EXPLAIN THE SHETLAND PONY!
posted by misha at 12:21 PM on July 17, 2012 [9 favorites]


"I was just thinking of that time when [you/I/we] did XXX and it felt so good because your X was going Y and it made me Z. So hard."

"You should have asked me to text you this morning when I was putting on my [describe underwear here] and thinking about your [Y]. I was late to work."

"I've been entertaining the idea of X and been meaning to ask you about it. I like the thought of us doing that right now."

"[Short description of the last time you [masturbated/showered/hung around naked]. I miss your [body part here]"

"Earlier today I saw a X and thought of Y and it made me want to Z."

Seriously, don't overthink things. Dirty texts are really simple constructs meant to evoke an idea. On the surface they can be generic and short, but what makes them special is that the things that fill the X, Y and Z slots (heh) are those that you two already have some sense about...he can picture the underwear, he knows how you like to shower and what that looks like, and then there's that time you did X.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:32 PM on July 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Terrible pickup lines are an easy (and hilarious - well, I think so) way to get into this. The cockier and more overt, the better. The one I came up with this morning: "I'd like to pour some maple syrup on you and make like a stack of pancakes." It's their job to come back with something worse.

Or another one I like: "Are you wearing space pants? Your ass is out of this world."

Just google bad pickup lines. If you read enough it gets easier to invent your own. Then you text them to your SO at tactically beneficial moments.
posted by griselda at 12:39 PM on July 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, dumb rhymes are good:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Finish your exams
Then we'll fuck a lot.
posted by griselda at 12:44 PM on July 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


If you're game, take a pic of a naked body part with your phone and text it to him with no words.
posted by thrasher at 1:29 PM on July 17, 2012


Coming back in to say iamkimiam is right. Don't get hung up on the wording! Even erotica writers spend days arguing over whether pussy is better than cunt (though, strangely, we almost all agree cock beats dick, prick or penis, hands down*).

This is all about the two of you. Just think about how he makes you feel, and run with it! For instance:

Keep getting these weird looks. Been walking around with a big grin ever since we fucked.
I can't wait to wrap my lips around your cock again.
I just want you to tie me up and fuck me red.
God, I can still feel your cock inside me.


Too explicit? Just say the same thing, but in a way that makes you more comfortable.

People look at me like I'm weird now! Keep thinking about last night, and I can't stop grinning.
I've had this craving all day. Think maybe I just really need something to suck on. Again.
So, um...tie me up later? Please don't make me beg! On second thought...that could be fun.
God, I can still feel you inside me.


*Heh. So to speak.
posted by misha at 1:33 PM on July 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Does it have to be text? Would he be okay if you sent him links to carefully selected evocative photos online?
posted by Michele in California at 1:34 PM on July 17, 2012


> Recently my guy was out of town and told me to "text him something dirty"

OK, first he tells you to sext him, then criticizes your efforts? I don't think you should DTMFA over anything like this, but he does deserve notice that people who place uncomfortable demands on their lovers shouldn't be so damned critical.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:33 PM on July 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am told on reliable authority that texting "I'm not wearing any panties/a bra" often can have a good response that can also be a prompt to help you.
posted by corb at 3:38 PM on July 17, 2012


Want to "have lunch together," if you know what I mean - and I think you do.
posted by bendy at 11:13 PM on July 17, 2012


I know of one very successful sext that went like this:

Text 1: I'm leaving work now, so will be home soon.

(count to thirty)

Text 2: be ready to fuck.
posted by prefpara at 5:38 PM on July 18, 2012


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