Should I say something?
July 12, 2012 8:56 AM Subscribe
I have been seeing my close friend's boyfriend on Grindr
a lot lately. Should I say something? There are complicating factors.
posted by anonymous to human relations (19 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Normally I would live and let live -- I don't know if their relationship is open, for example, and people don't just use Grindr for hookups: some people merely use it as a social app, or just chat with people on there, or trade pics, or just like attention from strangers. HOWEVER...
My close friend (Fred) and his boyfriend (Barney, mid-twenties) have been going through some rough times lately. Barney was hospitalized a couple months ago for something I think was drug related (Fred hasn't told me the details; I know Barney attended a treatment program for a while afterward though, but eventually just stopped going).
Barney's been unemployed for quite a while and it sounds like he's very depressed. Doesn't spend time with friends, doesn't go out, let his gym membership lapse. Stays indoors watching TV. I believe he has gone to a few therapists but hasn't really found anyone that suits him. Fred's really worried about the whole thing but has been trying to just be patient and supportive, and claims that the time they spend together is generally pretty good.
One other thing that gives me pause is I know that Fred will be going out of town this weekend, and soon will be going on a weeklong vacation -- both trips Barney has opted out of, claiming that he just doesn't feel like going and doesn't want to ruin Fred's good time. Obviously I will be keeping watch a bit to see if Barney's online more often while Fred's gone.
I've thought about mentioning it to Fred, but I'm worried that he'll instantly assume the worst (really, the Grindr-ing could be totally innocent) and I don't want to rock the already unsteady boat over what could be nothing.
I've thought about nonchalantly writing to Barney when I see him on there ("Hey Barney, it's me Dino. How's it going?") so that he knows he's not being as discreet as he thinks he is -- my current profile pic doesn't show my face so I doubt he has recognized me on there.
Or should I just butt out? There's no evidence really that anything's amiss. Fred's not stupid, he probably knows the situation better than I do. I worry that depression plus possible substance problems might equal lapses in judgment and furtive not-quite-the-safest sex, and I am concerned about my friend's health. I've known Fred for almost a decade, he and Barney have been together over a year and recently moved in together, right before all the trouble started. I care about them both.
Your insight appreciated.
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