Mayday! Your input for this guy about to crash?
July 7, 2012 8:53 AM Subscribe
I feel like a mess and never thought I'd end up here. I'm broke, headed for eviction, jobless, no insurance, on food stamps, overweight, have panic attacks, can't afford a therapist, have no friends that I can talk to about any of this. Did I mention I am 40 and married with two kids? If I don't get a handle on all this, my family is about to hit the skids. Ideas?
Let me hit you with the bullet points, just so you know where I am coming from:
I was raised in a "religion" that heavily discouraged going to college (Jehovah's Witnesses). I left that at age 26 and ended up going to college for a bit in my 30s, but did not finish.
Married in 1992. Divorced in 2001. Married again 6 years ago. Two kids. Happy with my marriage. Very afraid I am putting my family through far too much strain with my issues.
Have had a few decent jobs, but nothing great. Even moved around a bit trying to find something that fit me and paid well. Wife has been incredibly supportive. We keep hitting runs of bad luck.
A job that started part-time and was to have gone to full was unable to go full due to downturns.
A job we moved 500 miles for a job that was great for me. Once we arrived, they fired a bunch of people and moved me to a new position in a restructure. I had no experience or knowledge of the new position. My new supervisor fired me. My insurance cut off within days of my firing.
I moved back to our home state and got another job. I made the mistake of letting my employer know that I was looking at having surgery to repair a hernia in the coming months. Days before my "sick leave" was to kick in, they fired me. They told me specifically that it was because they did not want to have to pay sick days, that my performance was great, and they would give me a great reference.
None of these jobs paid in on unemployment (non-profits), so I have been unable to collect. We are on food stamps and my kids are on Medicaid. I can't afford COBRA payments to keep insurance. My wife has asthma.
My rent and car payments are so far behind, we are about to lose our one car and be evicted from our house. The water was shut off yesterday. A friend fronted us a bit to get it back on.
I weigh 365 lbs, have a hernia and a sprained knee that will not heal correctly. I went for physical therapy on it, only to find that my last employer messed up my premium payments and got my insurance cut off. So, I am largely physically unfit for most jobs.
I have done some freelance writing, but can't keep enough clients going to pay bills.
I have to read myself to sleep each night because I get panicked that I will die in my sleep, leaving my wife and kids alone to discover my cold corpse.
I always used to be such a positive person, but I feel like I have been smacked down so many times over the past few years that I can't find it in me to get back up. I never contemplate suicide or giving up. I desperately want to get a foothold and power my way out of this hole. My wife is having lots of stress issues with all this. She is also trying to find a job herself. She gave up her last one to move for my "great job opportunity" that tanked.
I feel like a lead weight that is taking my family down with me. I don't know where to start. I literally have $2.66 in the bank and nothing coming.
What the hell? This is like a 12-foot deep hole with sheer, slick mud sides. All I have to work with is a bent teaspoon.
Knowing that my own perspective is likely suspect in all this, and not being able to afford a therapist, I toss all this out here. YANMD and all that. Thanks in advance.