Dating while inexperienced!?
July 3, 2012 7:23 AM   Subscribe

Getting into dating, but don't have any relationship experience. How, if at all, should I bring this up with the people I date?

(relevant stats: just turned 24 - male - SF Bay Area)

So, I'm thinking about jumping into the dating game, mostly because my life is pretty awesome right now and I'd like to find someone similarly awesome to share it with. However, I haven't got any relationship experience, nor have I so much as kissed a woman (yet!). Otherwise, I'd say that I'm pretty socially well-adjusted for my age: I have a bunch of friends, a job that I love, interesting hobbies, etc.... it's just that I was never able to put much effort into dating or meeting people during college, mostly because classes and varsity sports managed to hoover up all of my awake time. However, I know I'm attractive and I won't have any trouble whatsoever meeting people nowadays if I put in some effort. With that said, while I don't really mind my lack of experience at all, I've got to admit that I'm a little worried about how the people who I end up meeting might react, because it's obviously going to come up sooner or later (or is it?) and I don't want it to be an issue.

Theoretically, I know that if I meet the right person, my history (or lack thereof) shouldn't matter, but most of what I've read on the internet and what I've heard through the grapevine has, for better or for worse, given me the impression that people generally tend to prefer their romantic partners to be more, as opposed to less, experienced. I've also come across some more extreme opinions, wherein inexperienced people are said to be treated by their romantic prospects as "toxic" and whatnot. (That was a little depressing to read, actually.) I'm sure at least some of that is bullshit -- but just how much of it is? Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that it'd really suck to be dropped like a hot potato by someone who otherwise seemed awesome over this, although I'm not even sure if that's something that I should be worried about.

So -- with all that out there, here's what I'd like to have a better idea of: let's say I meet someone awesome and we want to take things further. Should I bring this up, and if so, when? Obviously, I won't let it all air out on our first date, or anything like that, but am I being reasonable in expecting that the people I date will (for the lack of a better turn of phrase) be able to handle this side of me in a mature way? Also, how do I take care of the physical side of things? I think I can handle the kissing part, but beyond that, I'm unsure.

Thanks a bunch, green!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
...wherein inexperienced people are said to be treated by their romantic prospects as "toxic" and whatnot.

You're missing a big chunk of the "toxic" equation there, and that is the reason for the lack of experience. And that reason tends to go hand-in-hand with being unattractive (inside and out), socially maladjusted and generally miserable. You don't sound like any of these things. Hell, as far as good reasons for why you didn't date during college, "varsity sports" is pretty high up there. The "toxic" thing usually applies to dudes who didn't date because they were playing WoW and watching porn to the exclusion of any and all other social activities.

The dating history stuff comes up naturally and hopefully by the time it does, you've hopefully have charmed your date enough for it to be a quirk rather than a dealbreaker. Will there be people going "oh nevermind" when they find out you're not terribly experienced? Yeah, you should probably count on that and try not let it get you down.

As far as the physical stuff goes? Enthusiasm and paying attention can more than make up for a lack of technique (which is, in itself, not exactly rocket science.)
posted by griphus at 7:44 AM on July 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


I would not worry about it, but neither would I emphasize it at any point in a prospective relationship. The dislike of "inexperienced" people (and this seems to be mostly a gendered "problem" and directed at guys more than girls) is more of a signalling thing than anything else. The question that might arise in my mind if a 24 year old guy told me he had never dated someone before would be "Why? Is there something wrong with you that I haven't noticed?" in a curiousity driven kind of way. I have dated guys with much less experience (relationship-ly or sexually) than me, and it has never impacted how much I loved or respected them, or how fun they were in the bedroom.

Luckily, this is a "not-problem" that will fix itself once you put yourself out there. After you've gone on dates with a few ladies, voila, you are no longer inexperienced and have no more need to worry about it or talk about it.
posted by permiechickie at 7:45 AM on July 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


Hi!.

Good luck, and it will all be ok.

Regarding your lack of physical experience - PLEASE don't bring this up to a woman (at all) early on in the relationship before you are actually getting physical. It could put a lot of pressure on the relationship before it's ready, and potentially cause the woman to flee in terror.

What I mean by that is - say you meet someone. Go out for drinks/whatever, and want to make out with them. You drop the line "yeah, i've never kissed anyone before" My internal dialogue (woman, mid 20s) would go "Oh no! Does he think we know each other enough for babies and marriage? If he's never kissed anyone he must take kissing super super seriously and not want to do it with anyone unless he wants a serious relationship with them and we've just met and we're having fun and I COULD really like him but i'm not ready to make that kind of commitment now and probably shouldn't kiss him and ruin his life by giving him the wrong signals and then not reciprocating later so i'm just going to run away now.."

The kissing and the rest of it- well, you're going to have to work on it. Don't expect the first time you do anything to be awesome and wonderful and perfect. Sexytimes are inherently awkward and hilarious and weird. So be relaxed and go into it with an attitude of playfulness. Taking yourself too seriously and worrying that you are doing things right is the worst thing you could do

When you're in the bedroom, ready to, uh, you know.... you can simply say "I just want to let you know that i've never done this before. I want it to be good for you so we'll need to practice lots wink wink" or whatever. The first time with a new person is weird for everyone. It will get better if you keep doing it. so. much. better
posted by sarahnicolesays at 7:46 AM on July 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


I think you're over-worrying this.

First of all, you're 24, so not having been in a relationship, while slightly unusual in the USA nowadays, isn't so outside of the norm that it's "toxic." You sound confident and you consider yourself attractive and you have interests, so that's going to keep you from appearing like a strange duck who just can't get a date.

Physically, there are plenty of people who have lots of experience who are still really horrible at kissing and sex, so just listen to your partner and be open to trying out new things.

You'll be fine.
posted by xingcat at 7:46 AM on July 3, 2012


When I was in my early 20s, I briefly* dated a 25 yr old with no relationship experience and it was totally fine. I had no idea at all until a few dates in, when he mentioned that he'd never had a girlfriend before. We talked about it a bit (this is where you would explain the sports thing) and I don't think it ever really came up again. It's not a big deal, and anyone who makes it a big deal is probably not a great partner.

The way the question is written here, you sound intelligent,thoughtful, and respectful. There's nothing 'toxic' about that at all.

*I moved, there were no problems with him
posted by troika at 8:07 AM on July 3, 2012


You build trust with someone before you go deep into your romantic inexperience if you even want to get into it at all. I mean, honestly if someone's relationship experience isn't something that someone has to share, how is inexperience any different?
posted by inturnaround at 8:18 AM on July 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Don't tell 'em. Well I mean not at first. If you'd had 100 previous partners I'd suggest keeping that to yourself as well. They're dating you, not your 100 previous partners or the Invisible Man. It's kind of not their business, and once you've built some intimacy you should still keep ghosts out of the machine unless there's a genuine need to know.
posted by tel3path at 8:41 AM on July 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


AFTER your first kiss you can say it was your first kiss, in a lighthearted way, like, "I have a confession to make." Not immediately after. Maybe the next time you see each other. Then the rest of the physical stuff won't be an issue.

Re: "toxic" - I think this is someone who just doesn't respect the person they are dating, or who is hurtful. I don't think it has anything to do with experience or inexperience.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:45 AM on July 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Don't worry about this. Several men I dated had zero relationship experience before they were out of college. Just be chill and be attentive to your dates' signals and you will know when or if to share that information.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:21 AM on July 3, 2012


So, I'm thinking about jumping into the dating game, mostly because my life is pretty awesome right now and I'd like to find someone similarly awesome to share it with.

While I don't have any specific advice on your ACTUAL question, I thought I would highlight this line, in case the reason you are ready for dating *now* is that you feel you are now worthy, and you have not dated because you didn't really feel you were awesome enough before.

You are always awesome enough to share you life with someone. If you ever have a job you dislike, find yourself hobby-less, get a scar on your face, whatever - you are STILL awesome, and you know it, and can date people if you want to.
posted by 3FLryan at 9:49 AM on July 3, 2012


I wouldn't see this as as issue necessarily, but I also wouldn't come right out and share it with a (prospective) date, for a while. Chances are, if you are just now giving this a real shot, that you aren't going to meet someone that you really feel like you connect with right off the bat, so pretty much all the dates prior to meeting someone you really feel a connection with are kind of practice, and by that time it won't feel like such a big deal. (I probably didn't start dating, and by relation, kissing, until I was around 20 or so, and that was kind of how it worked out for me at least)

However, that being said, if you do feel like you've met someone special right out of the gate, and feel like you are connecting and have built up some amount of trust between you, that is when I would open up and say "you know, I haven't really dated anyone before now..." The first guy that I ever really dated and I were dating for about 3 months or so, and I don't think I ever really told him because I didn't really feel I trusted him completely with something that private. Which turned out to be the right move. But yeah, I wouldn't really worry about it, it should happen naturally when you feel comfortable, and chances are, if you are feeling that way, she will be too and at that point it shouldn't be an issue.
posted by Quincy at 10:03 AM on July 3, 2012


I understand that two of my teenage friends (one of each gender) used to practice kissing with each other, despite a lack of mutual attraction. Do you have a female friend who might be willing to help out?
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 10:25 AM on July 3, 2012


I don't think this is an issue, and I don't think you need to make it one. Whether you have tons, average, or no relationship experience, IMO, is not a conversation one needs to really have unless you miss some giant social cue that I can't think of, that would not have been missed with more experience. The only problem I have ever encountered with a person who lacked relationship exererience isn't one you seem to have - low self-esteem combined with manipulative behavior and clinginess, trying to ramp the relationship up too quickly so as to experience all the things they'd missed out on... yep, THAT was toxic.

But, you sound great and I bet you'll be fine. Just don't rush to put the cart before the horse.
posted by sm1tten at 12:20 PM on July 3, 2012


When I was a much younger lad, a saying that proved very helpful to me in this specific situation was "Fake it till you make it."

I now pass the torch of wisdom on to you. May it burn brightly!
posted by wolfdreams01 at 1:05 PM on July 3, 2012


If they like you well enough, then they'll be willing to teach you.
I wouldn't really have The Conversation about it right off the bat--heck, make out with the chick for awhile first and see how it goes. (Maybe mention it if things go super badly, like you accidentally give her a concussion...) You don't really have to have The Conversation until the possibility of sex comes up anyway. And then, well, you'll see how it goes.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:01 PM on July 3, 2012


It's none of their business and I doubt it will come up.

If it does come up, your explanation is good, but don't bring it up. I'm not saying you should lie, or even try to avoid the topic, but your date or new relationship is about the two of you, ya know?
posted by J. Wilson at 3:29 PM on July 3, 2012


Why would it even come up? I never talk about my past relationships, and don't ask about my partners'. (As long as the STD test is all right, no questions asked!)

Kissing and having sex really aren't all that complicated. They'll most likely attribute any awkwardness to the usual first-time-with-a-new-person jitters.
posted by martianna at 6:39 PM on July 3, 2012


you don't need to bring it up, but be prepared to talk about it if/when the topic comes up. this will happen usually in the step when you and the other person are talking about your past. here's how it might go down:

her: one time i went on the most epic-fail first date in college .... have you ever had a first date where in went horribly [in a funny way] wrong?

you: Actually, I was never able to put much effort into dating or meeting people during college, mostly because classes and varsity sports managed to hoover up all of my awake time.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:00 PM on July 3, 2012


I dated someone like this and the only problems with the relationship were:

1. his anxiety - whenever we did something physical he requested repeated reassurance everything was perfectly fine. ...this was a problem because as in ANY new relationship - whether you've have 0 to 100 partners - there will always be something new to figure out with your partner, but his need for reassurance since I was his first relationship ended up putting my needs second.

2. his excuses - I'm not huge into holidays, but when he made other plans on Valentine's day he tried to use the excuse that since he's never been in a relationship, he didn't know how to act. Figure out the basic outlines, and then check with your partner for specifics!

3. He didn't understand he had to change in a relationship. I don't mean a huge change in personality - I just mean the overall change ANYone would make when a new person comes into their life. Going out on a Friday, say, may not be a solely individual decision (not saying you'd need permission, but you need to learn how to coordinate). My guy didn't understand this - I was to come and go when he wanted - a "relationship" was just a new hobby for him, not an actual relationship.

....needless to say the relationship didn't last long.

All that said, I wouldn't automatically be put off from being someone's first relationship again - I would simply be more on the lookout for the above three things.

As the above posters said, don't mention this on the first date. When it comes to the physical thing - I think there was an AskMeFi a while ago about a man getting back into sex after quite a long time.... I can't find it though! Some good advice there. I might tell her it's been a while, and she'll chalk any awkwardness up to that. Just go slow and communicate. Later on, when you're at the point of discussing your sexually history (which these days comes after the sex.... :-/ ) you can say she's been your first.

Honestly, I think you'll be fine. Every person is a difference person. Every relationship with a new person is the beginning of a relationship. Try to think of it that way. Instead of "oh my god, this is my FIRST relationship!" simply say, each time, "I'm establishing a new relationship with THIS person!" You're gonna screw stuff up, no matter how many relationships you've had. Cause stuff just happens. So don't worry.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 1:43 PM on July 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


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