Learning to live with my past

June 27, 2012 5:21 AM

How can I learn to live with regret and self-hatred related to my lack of relationship and sexual experiences?

I'm a 25 year old male. Until I was 23, I had a physical deformity that made me very unattractive. I never had a serious relationship and only had minimal physical contact with other people. I missed out on basic life experiences that are normal parts of other people's lives. No holding another person's hand, never having someone to hug or kiss, never exchanging phone numbers.

I hated myself for that. Truly, utterly despised myself for what I didn't get to experience. My self-loathing would get so intense that I would sometimes have mini panic attacks where it was difficult to breath. Occasionally I would physically harm myself because it felt like I deserved that kind of pain for being so completely undesirable.

Around 23, I had my physical deformity fixed entirely and I was excited to make up for lost time. I intended to have many experiences with many people. Instead, very quickly, I was lucky enough to fall in love. I've been in a wonderful committed relationship ever since. The kind where you sleep in late on Saturdays before going to the farmers market, and where at night under the stars, time seems to stand still.

I occasionally thought about the experiences I thought I would be having, but I was more than happy in my relationship. Recently, my girlfriend brought up the topic of our past relationships and sexual history (she has had several past relationships and partners). I didn't want to discuss the issue, but it was important for her that we did.

I'm not bothered that she has a previous history, but talking about my lack of experience triggered all of my previous self-hatred. I feel like my lack of sexual experience places me outside the bounds of what normal people get to experience in a lifetime. I hate myself that I'm so abnormal. At 25, I know I'm quickly approaching the age where I won't be able to experiment in the way I always wanted to with the type of partners I was always curious about. My girlfriend and I have been discussing our future, and it's been difficult to think that I will always have to live with this regret, shame and personal failure. At the same time, I love my girlfriend and can absolutely see an amazing future with her. I just didn't expect to be so lucky so soon.

My self-hatred has been hanging over all of my thoughts like a dark cloud. I can't enjoy anything sexual because it just reminds me of all the things I'll never be able to experience and how that makes me worthless as a human being (because even high schoolers have been able to experience more than I will be able to in my lifetime given that I'm so undesirable).

I want to stay in my relationship and I was wondering what coping mechanisms people had for learning to live with this degree of personal regret and self-hatred.

posted by anonymous to human relations (32 answers total)

Speaking to a therapist. Although that's not a "coping mechanism," that's more of a "permanent fix." Which is even better.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:26 AM on June 27, 2012 [7 favorites]

Okay, but.....you didn't have any control over this personal deformity. There is absolutely zero reason for any sort of self-loathing or hatred. You didn't do anything to cause that issue. There is no reason to hate yourself for it, or for any problems it caused in your life. Surely at some level you know this? And you know everyone is going to tell you to go to therapy. I don't often jump on that bandwagon so quickly, but that is your answer here. You need to find a good therapist.

As far as your level of experience goes - 23 is not outside the realm of normal for a first relationship. You are not abnormal. You're young! I've been with my husband since I was 17 years old (I'm 35 now). I have no regrets - on the contrary, I feel grateful I was able to find a person who fits so well with me so early in my life, because it means I will get to spend as much of my life with him as possible. The part you missed out on - which includes, if my social circle is any indication - a lot of meaningless sex and drama and regrets - is not nearly as important as a happy, healthy relationship with someone you care about.

Find a therapist.
posted by something something at 5:27 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

I feel like my lack of sexual experience places me outside the bounds of what normal people get to experience in a lifetime.

Sounds like you've had more sexual experience than I had when I was your age. And why this...

At 25, I know I'm quickly approaching the age where I won't be able to experiment in the way I always wanted to with the type of partners I was always curious about.

...should be true is beyond me. Can't for the life of me think of a reason why it would be. Sex is something people have at all ages.

But it also sounds like you're reacting to this rather than anything real about life. Most people don't actually have sex all that much, regardless of their age. Even the married ones. There's far more to life than sex, as it turns out. So while it's a lifelong activity for many people, it isn't a constant activity for almost anyone.

Convincing yourself of that may take therapy or something, but it's true nonetheless.
posted by valkyryn at 5:31 AM on June 27, 2012 [7 favorites]

Speaking as somebody who's been with a lot of partners - trust me, you're not missing out on that much. A relationship with one kinky woman can give you more experience and fun than ten casual hookups.

I recommend being open with your girlfriend about your lack of experience, and sharing your fantasies with her to see if maybe SHE can fulfill them. If you phrase it right, she may actually be flattered.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 5:32 AM on June 27, 2012 [9 favorites]

It must suck to feel terrible about something that you had no control over.

First of all, and this should be no news to you, therapy can do wonders to give you the coping mechanisms that you're looking for.

Secondly, I think you should be honest with your girlfriend, about everything. Let her know exactly how you feel and especially that you feel blessed to have such a great woman in your life. Discuss the regret that you had no wild oats sown and how it makes you feel weird about not having a history to share with her. Explain that you'll always have a curiosity about the "road not traveled" but that you're perfectly happy with your wonderful relationship. A great relationship lets you feel good about being 100% honest about what you think and feel. You are so lucky to be in one that allows you to feel safe talking about this.

As for the rest of it, you really don't have anything to be ashamed of. Lots of us were late bloomers, at 23 you're just beginning. Your experience is your experience. How lucky you are that you didn't have to have a series of relationships where you were dicked around and got your heart broken.

So check out a good therapist and speak openly and honestly with your girlfriend. You won't regret either of those things.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:33 AM on June 27, 2012

Wanting to date more than 1 person in your lifetime doesn't make you a bad person. It does, however, mean that you need to have an honest talk with your girlfriend about your apprehensions.
posted by lalala1234 at 5:35 AM on June 27, 2012 [4 favorites]

If you're compatible with your girlfriend and you guys fall in love and get married and stay together forever, let me assure you that you are getting a GREAT DEAL!

If you and your girlfriend break up in ten years, you will still have plenty of opportunity to make out with lots of people.

In the meantime, your traumatic feelings regarding this matter are bringing you down. I think Mefi can be a little trigger-happy on recommending therapy, but in this case I think therapy might really do you good. Take care, anon!
posted by feets at 5:36 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is your first love? Enjoy it. There's nothing like your first love. And the others are totally right that you can experience a lot more in one committed relationship than you can in a long line of casual hookups or one night stands.
posted by smorange at 5:41 AM on June 27, 2012 [3 favorites]

I feel like my lack of sexual experience places me outside the bounds of what normal people get to experience in a lifetime.

"Normal" is overrated. You may feel you missed a lot of "experiences," but you may have also avoided a lot of the drama that comes along with them. No shame about the past is needed. You overcame a difficult circumstance.

I just didn't expect to be so lucky so soon.

It sounds like you now have something that many other people wish they had.
posted by The Deej at 5:50 AM on June 27, 2012 [4 favorites]

Smorange is right. Causal encounters and random hook ups aren't what life is about - it isn't like in the movies. Being in a loving relationship with someone who is perfect with you is what is it about.

There are plenty of people who have only been with one person and you ARE lucky to have found that person right away. Tell her the truth - it seems like she's a keeper and will understand your frustration.

On a related note: I have a couple who I'm friends with where the husband had no sexual experience prior to his wife (but she did) - when they went on a vacation they actually paid for a sex worker for him - she felt like he should at least see what it was like being with someone else. He did the "deed" but in the end appreciated his wife much more. I'm not saying this is a solution, but just a similar situation and how they dealt with it.
posted by Danithegirl at 5:56 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, therapy. And don't fuck up what may be a good thing just because life used to suck -- which is really what you're talking about, it seems to me. Kinda seems like the "more people" angle is mostly (not entirely) a smokescreen, but then again I've known a few other folks with broadly similar experiences to yours so I may be biased from their lives, so YMMV. If you felt bad before, you're gonna feel a whole lot worse if you destroy a good thing, get nothing in return, and are left alone knowing you screwed up big time just out of self-sabotage. But, again, that's my bias.

...but even if I am wrong about that, I'd still say therapy and make goddamn sure you know what you're potentially destroying. The grass may seem greener, but usually it isn't.
posted by aramaic at 6:00 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

I really don't think you're as far outside the norm as you think you are. I know lots of people (with no physical deformities, fwiw) who have very similar romantic/sexual histories.

Also: everyone has to live with regret and I find it's best to just acknowledge that the past is past and make good decisions for the future. But no one should have to live with self-hatred.* So although I am not generally a therapy evangelist, it does seem like something you should look into.



* Maybe war criminals. Maybe.
posted by mskyle at 6:01 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

The grass may seem greener, but usually it isn't.

When I was 25 I was already six years into a committed relationship. Having accumulated very little sexual experience before I was 19, I often thought about the grass in the neighbor's yard and, like you, felt some regret for not having sowed my oats more wildly. She dumped me suddenly when I was 32 and I was given the opportunity to sow said oats. Said oats were sowed. Wildly.

I should not have been surprised, but I was surprised to realize pretty quickly that I wasn't missing anything.

The sex you have with someone you love, someone to whom you have committed your heart and body, beats the living shit out of any other kind of sex.

The grass is not greener. The best you can hope for is that the grass is as green.

YMMV.
posted by three blind mice at 6:34 AM on June 27, 2012 [16 favorites]

At 25, I'd had only one girlfriend, and I've never had any deformity. I'd just been much too timid up until then. That first relationship didn't work out, but I married the next woman I dated. At times I wondered if I was pairing up too early and missing my chance to play around, but we are good for each other and the twelve years I have been with her have been the best years of my life. I think I will likely die having had fewer partners than average. Once, that seemed important to me. So, I think I understand some of what you are going through, but I urge you not to take any drastic steps or make too much of this. Also, I don't think sleeping around is really going to address years of self-loathing. Sex can be great and I've had friends who really did enjoy periods of promiscuitiy, but I think you need to learn how to better love yourself and I don't see that as being any more likely if you broke up with your girlfriend and slept with a string of other women. Look into therapy and find a way to talk about this with your girlfriend.
posted by Area Man at 6:49 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

You're not abnormal at all. You say that talking with your girlfriend triggered these past feelings. Does that mean that they weren't really present before? Because even though you are saying that you aren't bothered by her past history, it sounds like you are - not the content of said history, but the comparison you are making between her (and everyone else) and yourself. One thing I hope you are very clear about with your girlfriend is that distinction, because it's easy to confuse if you aren't in the know.

While it is possible that your girlfriend won't be able to fulfill every experience you feel you've missed out on, that's kind of par for the course for serious, long-term relationships -- you are giving up the opportunity to experience everyday and unique things with other people for one person. If you really feel like you need to experience these things with other people, while anecdotal evidence is generally going to tell you that you aren't missing out on anything, I really think that this may be something you have to realise on your own. So that's a risk you have to decide whether it is worth taking.

I took a similar risk myself, and I have no regrets, but mileage will always vary.
posted by sm1tten at 6:53 AM on June 27, 2012

I didn't have any physical deformities when I married at age 23 with no sexual experience whatsoever. Still married to the same person. My only physical deformity now, which is scheduled to get worse, is encroaching middle age. Well, that and some scarring from a motorcycle accident.

People screw all kinds of other people, both literally and figuratively, when they're young because they're looking for a real relationship. In a similar way, people work all kinds of crummy jobs hoping to find a career. Sounds like you skipped parts of the interim steps and went straight to the desired end result. Congrats on that.

As for the rest of it, it's pretty normal to feel jealousy over your partner's past experiences. Plain old time may take care of it, or maybe therapy is in order, but you don't have to feel crazy or dumb for feeling it - everyone does. It's not logical but it is human.
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:00 AM on June 27, 2012 [4 favorites]

You're 25 now? I had my first sexual relationship at age 28.

20 years later, I'm happily married and totally content with my sex life.

It sounds like your premises are fundamentally flawed.

Furthermore, it sounds like you are suffering from depression. Depression is a mind parasite. It starts with a conclusion (I'm worthless and I hate myself) and rationalizes backwards to find justifications for that self-hatred. No matter how good a person you are and no matter how good your life is objectively, depression can always find some explanation to demonstrate how you and your life are terrible. Please try any avenues you can to work on the depression - therapy, medication, exercise, sunlight, whatever works for you.

In the meantime, commit the following to memory:

You aren't really that late of a bloomer for relationships or sexual experiences as you imagined.

Even if you had been a super late-bloomer or even if you never had a relationship, it wouldn't make you worth any less as a person. Some totally awesome human beings have gone celibate to their graves.

Quality of relationships is a lot more important than quantity.

You are in a relationship with someone who loves you. Clearly you you are desirable. If this relationship turns out to be the one that you both want to maintain the rest of your lives, then congratulations - you've achieved the fairy-tale ending that many people dream of. If your current relationship runs its course and ends, then you will know a bit more about what you need out of a relationship as you head for your next one.

Good luck!
posted by tdismukes at 8:12 AM on June 27, 2012 [2 favorites]

My email is in my profile; please send me a message so I can reply privately.
posted by desjardins at 8:37 AM on June 27, 2012

I feel like my lack of sexual experience places me outside the bounds of what normal people get to experience in a lifetime. I hate myself that I'm so abnormal.

Okay, statistics lesson!

In the US, the modal number of lifetime sex partners is one. What that means in plain English is, if you divide people up into groups by their lifetime number of sex partners ("Okay, virgins over here... if you've only ever slept with one person, over here... slept with two people, over here..."), the single largest group will consist of people who, like you, have had one partner in their life.

Even if you marry your current girlfriend, never cheat, never experiment with consensual nonmonogamy, and so never sleep with anyone else in your life, your sexual history will be very, very normal: it will follow the single most common pattern for modern Americans.

The next largest group, after people with one lifetime sex partner, is the group consisting of people with zero lifetime sex partners. In some studies, if you add up the group with one lifetime partner and the group with zero, you've already accounted for half the population!

What this means for you is, half of the people you meet have actually had the same amount of experience as you, or even less experience. That's how normal you are!

Sometimes you will read studies telling you that "the average American male" has had some stupidly high number of partners — seven, twelve, fifteen, whatever. How is that consistent with what I'm telling you? The answer is, they're calculating that average in a different way. (In technical terms: they're taking the mean and not the mode.) And the method they're using is easily skewed by a small group of outliers.

We live in a world where most people have a low number of lifetime partners: zero, one, maybe two. But a small minority of people have huge numbers of lifetime partners: fifty, say, or even a hundred. That tiny minority of people pulls the mean up to some ridiculous number like twelve. But it would be a mistake to jump to the conclusion that most people you meet have had twelve sex partners. Most people you meet have had way fewer partners than that, and it's just a few promiscuous oddballs* who are breaking the curve.

(Also, as others have pointed out, someone with a hundred lifetime partners isn't necessarily having more fun than you, and isn't even necessarily better in bed. Sex with someone you know and love is generally the best kind of sex there is. The pickup artists of the world are really missing out in a lot of ways, because they're stuck sleeping with strangers all the time, and that gets boring fast.)

You still probably want to get some therapy and talk honestly to your girlfriend about this stuff. But just acquainting yourself with the facts may also help you come to terms with your feelings about the situation. Because your feelings are based in part on this idea that "normal" people have way more sex than you — and that idea, it turns out, is just wrong.

*There's nothing wrong with being a promiscuous oddball, of course. But it is odd, in a purely statistical sense. Sleeping with that many people just isn't a very common behavior, even though it's perfectly okay from an ethical point of view.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:47 AM on June 27, 2012 [24 favorites]

Many people marry the only person they'll ever sleep with and are not consumed with self-loathing. What you're describing sounds a lot more like a post-traumatic reaction, and treatment for that is widely available (and pretty cutting-edge thanks to the realities of modern warfare).
posted by Lyn Never at 8:55 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

Here is some proof that lots and lots of people feel the way you do.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:06 AM on June 27, 2012

Another thing to think about: everyone has regrets and unfulfilled fantasies. Nobody with an active libido ever gets to a point where they say "Okay, I've had the perfect sex life, and I no longer want anything at all that I can't have."

Sleeping around when you're younger doesn't actually make the regrets and fantasies go away. What it does do, for some people, is teach a certain amount of wisdom and levelheadedness and even resignation about the whole thing.

Let's say you've always wanted a threesome. And one day you have one! Here's what doesn't happen: you don't say "Oh, hey, I can check that one off my list, and I'll never fantasize about threesomes ever again so long as I live."

Here's another thing that doesn't happen: you don't get much happier as a person overall. You get a few minutes of intense pleasure at best (and a few minutes/hours/months of intense awkwardness at worst) and then pretty soon you're back to how you always feel.

Here's one thing that can happen: After a few casual encounters, you might think to yourself, "You know, I always imagined that checking a fantasy off my list would make me feel happier and more contented. Turns out I was wrong. Turns out checking a fantasy off my list actually just feels good for a few minutes and then that's it. Maybe I should just resign myself to having some unfulfilled fantasies and get on with the part of my life that's actually important."

Those people who only settle down after sowing their wild oats? You might imagine that they feel perfectly fulfilled and content. But that's not it at all. They've just resigned themselves to the idea that they'll never feel totally and permanently sexually fulfilled, and decided to go for the next-best thing by settling down with someone they like.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:07 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have had some similar feelings. I hardly had any sexual experience before 25, for many reasons, including religious stuff.

Sometimes I felt like those years were wasted, sexually speaking, but I came to accept it as my own journey through which I did my best. I also realize that it brought me a lot and is a big part of what makes me unique, and I don't doubt that it's the same for you.

Since then I've had a long term relationship followed by some hookups. All of which confirmed to me that I wasn't missing much by not having drunken hookups in university. In that way, it was a useful experience.

So now I'm single and playing the field, but if I could have that really good, long-term relationship back, I would prefer that.

Overall, there is no magic formula for everyone, I take comfort in the fact that everyone has had a bit of a hard/mysetious journey, with a lot of good things along the way too. Yours is no better or worse than someone else's.
Good luck!
posted by beau jackson at 9:15 AM on June 27, 2012

"Yours is no better or worse than someone else's. "

I'm sorry because I realize that this could sound dismissive of your experience, which seems like it was very difficult.
posted by beau jackson at 9:43 AM on June 27, 2012

just dont drag too much self loathing, for whatever reasons, into a good relationship. Thats a very good way to make a good relationship die
posted by Jacen at 10:11 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

just dont drag too much self loathing, for whatever reasons, into a good relationship. Thats a very good way to make a good relationship die

This is spot on. Think of your girlfriend. Whenever and however your self-hatred manifests itself, you are also viciously insulting her taste and judgement in her choice of loving you. It's not just you that is taking damage from your poisoned attitude. She's also in the firing line.

I suspect there's a part of you that really doesn't want to get over this hangup and will never let go of these supposed missed sexual experiences as evidence of your supposed low worth, no matter what relationship you are in. Better to get thee to a therapist and do the hard work to get over it ASAP, because you are losing time better spent being happy and focusing on the awesome relationship you have now, and the awesome things you can do with your partner in the future.
posted by griselda at 10:40 AM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't want to dismiss the understandable challenge of having had issues with deformity, but having one's first sexual relationship at 25 is not at all unusual, at least not here in the US.

I feel like my lack of sexual experience places me outside the bounds of what normal people get to experience in a lifetime. I hate myself that I'm so abnormal.

Several of my long-time sexual partners had their first sexual experiences at 25 or later. I really don't think you're "so abnormal" with this experience.

Now, if you want to have a more varied set of sexual experiences, there's nothing keeping you from doing that when/if you're single again. As for partner experience mismatch, my "number" is more than ten times my husband's. It is sooooooo a non-issue in our marriage or in our sex life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:24 PM on June 27, 2012

Virgin at 30, here. You've done well.
posted by flabdablet at 5:44 PM on June 27, 2012

I didn't want to discuss the issue, but it was important for her that we did.


In the future, be careful about this. Your instincts were correct here.

There is a tendency early on in the relationship to share all kinds of information about our history with other partners. It may give a sense of temporary intimacy and closeness but it opens the door to jealousy and insecurity over past ghosts. Don't open that door. I wish I had learned this earlier. In general, the details of former relationships are not worth discussing.
posted by Pademelon at 7:40 PM on June 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

My girlfriend and I have been discussing our future, and it's been difficult to think that I will always have to live with this regret, shame and personal failure.

it's not clear from what you wrote that she 100% said she would not agree to any kind of open relationship, ever. have the conversation about an open relationship.

or you could break up with her. if you want to fuck two 18 year old girls at the same time you could go to a poor country and hire prostitutes. or you could try to make up for lost time with the gf. but, it's all about your priorities.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:22 PM on June 27, 2012

I think it is really sad that the reality of this gets covered up and instead people, perhaps especially guys, *actually think they are bad and worthless* because they haven't had sex with *enough* people. As if that is a metric by which to judge a person. I'm pretty us you wouldn't think less of anyone else because of the number of people they'd slept with, OP - whether that was high or low. I bet if you take a step back, you'll realize that it's only yourself you hate over this. Supposing every one of your friends and loved ones got a caption over their heads that only you could see, showing their number of lifetime partners. Really think about what that would mean for your opinion of them and why. I think if you examine this properly you will realize that it would only affect your opinion of yourself, not them.

Everything in TV and the media says it is completely normal to have had loads and loads of partners, that this is just something that happens as a person goes through life, like the changing of the seasons. Yet the reality for most people, as pointed out above, is completely different and you will *never* hear that from the TV or the press.

I wonder how many people have been propagandised into thinking as you do - imagine how many people *that you know* could be walking around feeling completely unnecessary feelings of shame and undesirability because they don't know they're just like everyone else.

I wonder if you really want what you think you want - well, maybe you do, maybe if your circumstances were different you would genuinely enjoy putting yourself about a bit. I personally know I would hate to get naked, literally and figuratively, and make myself that vulnerable to some semi-stranger who I wasn't crazy about and who didn't care about me all that much. I just hate the thought of that. Maybe you're tougher than me in that respect, but it doesn't sound like it, it sounds like it would just inflame your self-loathing a lot more. Still YMMV.

Goodness knows if you're ever single again you will have the chance to find out. But what you're complaining about, and seeing as a bad thing, is that the second you got out there on the dating scene you were granted your wish and the wish of most everybody else on the dating scene. I hesitate to say that what we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly, because I don't think any of this came cheaply to you. But you are seeing yourself and your situation as literally the opposite of what it is. You have what everyone wants, you have what you want, and you actually think that you are unlucky. Some gorgeous woman loves you and wants to be with you and no-one else, and you think this means you are undesirable. Imagine how devalued she'd feel if she knew you were thinking, "wow, I am repulsive and no-one wants me... Apart from *you* of course, and *you* don't count." If my loving partner thought that of me I would be as devastated as if he thought *I* was repulsive.

The Devil is the father of lies, you know? Your life is real, don't ruin it by trying to recreate yourself in a false image. I don't even know you and I know you're worth more than that and your gf is worth more than that, and anything that makes you think otherwise is the Devil working inside of your head.
posted by tel3path at 12:26 AM on June 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

You are 25 and you are in a happy relationship. Many 25-year-old guys who have never had a deformity haven't even been kissed. You are a damned sight luckier than many people. Appreciate the fact. And the fact that I am reining myself in here.
posted by Decani at 1:52 PM on June 28, 2012 [1 favorite]