What's the proper etiquette to ask for a parent's permission/blessing to marry her daughter?
June 26, 2012 6:43 AM Subscribe
Proper etiquette to ask parent's permission/blessing for marriage
Soon I plan to ask my girlfriend for her hand in marriage. We have discussed it at length for at least a year now so I don't doubt she will say yes. Her family is also expecting it and they think we are a good couple so they will not be surprised.
Her father passed away about three years ago. I plan to ask for her mother's blessing for the marriage. I know some people think this is a misogynistic ritual, which I understand, but I think it's respectful and costs me nothing, so I will do it. I plan to ask for "blessing" rather than "permission" in part due to these concerns regarding misogyny.
I had planned to ask Mom after I propose. Not only did I think this most proper (shouldn't my girlfriend get the question first?) but also Mom lives about 650 miles away. I wanted to ask Mom face to face, not over the phone, which would have me asking Mom at Thanksgiving, several months after I propose.
However, some folks think it's best to ask for permission/blessing before proposal, not after. I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. I do want to ask for blessing, and I know her family will appreciate the gesture (her late father certainly would have) so there's no need to question whether this is a good idea; I just wonder what's best regarding timing and face-to-face vs. phone under the circumstances. Thanks.
Soon I plan to ask my girlfriend for her hand in marriage. We have discussed it at length for at least a year now so I don't doubt she will say yes. Her family is also expecting it and they think we are a good couple so they will not be surprised.
Her father passed away about three years ago. I plan to ask for her mother's blessing for the marriage. I know some people think this is a misogynistic ritual, which I understand, but I think it's respectful and costs me nothing, so I will do it. I plan to ask for "blessing" rather than "permission" in part due to these concerns regarding misogyny.
I had planned to ask Mom after I propose. Not only did I think this most proper (shouldn't my girlfriend get the question first?) but also Mom lives about 650 miles away. I wanted to ask Mom face to face, not over the phone, which would have me asking Mom at Thanksgiving, several months after I propose.
However, some folks think it's best to ask for permission/blessing before proposal, not after. I could ask Mom on the phone before I propose. I seek your collective wisdom regarding proper etiquette here, and any experience you might have had on this. I do want to ask for blessing, and I know her family will appreciate the gesture (her late father certainly would have) so there's no need to question whether this is a good idea; I just wonder what's best regarding timing and face-to-face vs. phone under the circumstances. Thanks.
In my limited experience, the parents are told first, and over the phone is perfectly acceptable, especially if you know there's not going to be a problem. When my sisters got engaged, their soon-to-be fiances called my dad to "let him know" that they were proposing, the day they did it, but before the actual proposal.
Side note: I don't think it's misogynistic at all. I think it's a sign that you know you're marrying into a family, not just a person, and you want to establish that respect and love from the start. It's a nice thing to do, and pleasantly old fashioned.
posted by nickhb at 6:50 AM on June 26, 2012 [7 favorites]
Side note: I don't think it's misogynistic at all. I think it's a sign that you know you're marrying into a family, not just a person, and you want to establish that respect and love from the start. It's a nice thing to do, and pleasantly old fashioned.
posted by nickhb at 6:50 AM on June 26, 2012 [7 favorites]
Propose first, then talk with your new fiancee about how to give her mother the exciting news.
posted by decathecting at 6:51 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 6:51 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
My parents understood my feminist insistence that no man I would ever marry would be asking their "permission", but, in not so many words, they made it clear that they would appreciate my future intended asking for their "blessing" at some stage; not necessarily before.
I then made it clear to my now-fiance that there was no way in hell my parents would know he planned to propose before I would -- that is, that he could ask for their blessing after the proposal (and my acceptance), but not before. And that's what happened, and everyone was happy. (and I saved the scratch paper he used to nervously write down his bullet point notes for what he was going to say to my parents. It was adorable.) We did it over the phone, because distances and logistics of our relationship made it impossible to do in person. No one was bothered by that. And after we called my parents, then we called his to share the good news as well. No reason it's only *her* parents that should be giving their blessings!
So I would recommend that aside from what her father would have wanted, what "some folks think", and so on, figure out what SHE would want. Is she very traditional? Then do it beforehand. Is she very modern but with respect for tradition? Then do it after the proposal. Is she extremely feminist? Then *you* don't do anything alone; you call together.
posted by olinerd at 6:52 AM on June 26, 2012 [17 favorites]
I then made it clear to my now-fiance that there was no way in hell my parents would know he planned to propose before I would -- that is, that he could ask for their blessing after the proposal (and my acceptance), but not before. And that's what happened, and everyone was happy. (and I saved the scratch paper he used to nervously write down his bullet point notes for what he was going to say to my parents. It was adorable.) We did it over the phone, because distances and logistics of our relationship made it impossible to do in person. No one was bothered by that. And after we called my parents, then we called his to share the good news as well. No reason it's only *her* parents that should be giving their blessings!
So I would recommend that aside from what her father would have wanted, what "some folks think", and so on, figure out what SHE would want. Is she very traditional? Then do it beforehand. Is she very modern but with respect for tradition? Then do it after the proposal. Is she extremely feminist? Then *you* don't do anything alone; you call together.
posted by olinerd at 6:52 AM on June 26, 2012 [17 favorites]
What does your girlfriend think about this practice? That's where you the 'cost to you' comes into it.
Or on preview, olinerd.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 6:53 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
Or on preview, olinerd.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 6:53 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
Far as I can see, you've already proposed. It's a given. Asking her mother's blessing is nice but at this point everything is just a gesture, so do whatever will make the most people happy.
posted by zadcat at 6:54 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by zadcat at 6:54 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
And for what it's worth, make sure you take into account what her Mom might expect as well. Having made my wishes quite clear to my parents, I dated a guy a long time ago who decided he was going to surprise me with a proposal AND go against my desire to be the first one to know, so he asked my mother. Over AOL instant messenger. Who, knowing me well, and knowing that I was not in a marrying mode, responded, "Um... does olinerd know?" She then started talking to *me* on IM and saying "There's something you need to know." And that led into several days worth of extraordinarily awkward and painful discussions that, at the end of the day, resulted in no engagement and a breakup a month or two later. So again, just because her dad might have liked it, if she does not want it to happen like that and her parents know that, it might backfire on you.
And on preview:
Far as I can see, you've already proposed. It's a given. Asking her mother's blessing is nice but at this point everything is just a gesture, so do whatever will make the most people happy.
No no no no no. I had been discussing marriage and long-term plans with my fiance for a good while before his proposal, but I was shocked at how big a step the actual proposal felt to me. And having to TELL PEOPLE? Like, SAY IT OUT LOUD? It took a while for me to feel fully comfortable with it. Even though I assumed it was "a given" that we'd be getting married, the process of teling my parents it was official was very much tied to the actual proposal event. And again, I wanted my parents to know *after*, not before.
posted by olinerd at 6:58 AM on June 26, 2012 [6 favorites]
And on preview:
Far as I can see, you've already proposed. It's a given. Asking her mother's blessing is nice but at this point everything is just a gesture, so do whatever will make the most people happy.
No no no no no. I had been discussing marriage and long-term plans with my fiance for a good while before his proposal, but I was shocked at how big a step the actual proposal felt to me. And having to TELL PEOPLE? Like, SAY IT OUT LOUD? It took a while for me to feel fully comfortable with it. Even though I assumed it was "a given" that we'd be getting married, the process of teling my parents it was official was very much tied to the actual proposal event. And again, I wanted my parents to know *after*, not before.
posted by olinerd at 6:58 AM on June 26, 2012 [6 favorites]
I've never heard of asking for a blessing after the proposal (especially several months after, as it would be at Thanksgiving.) A blessing of *what*, exactly? Something you've already decided to do and have started planning for? It sounds like your gf's mom is already on board with you marrying, so if there's a "blessing" to be asked for, it's more or less a heads up prior to the actual proposal. I think asking before hand (as you would have had your gf's father been alive) is more traditional and more respectful than waiting several months to get a blessing on a foregone conclusion.
Also, I agree with olinerd's 2nd point. You are not "already" engaged; this is a big deal.
Also also, CONGRATULATIONS.
posted by Flamingo at 7:01 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, I agree with olinerd's 2nd point. You are not "already" engaged; this is a big deal.
Also also, CONGRATULATIONS.
posted by Flamingo at 7:01 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
My vote is for doing it before the proposal. Over the phone is fine, considering the circumstance.
posted by BurntHombre at 7:11 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by BurntHombre at 7:11 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
My husband and I are both feminists so this was a little tricky, especially since my mother died years before he proposed. However, he managed to ask my father in a way where he didn't really ask so much as tell him but my father felt respected and flattered. I think he even boasted after the fact. As far as he's concerned, my husband asked him even though that's not exactly how it went down (and I'm not inclined to correct him).
I think you could do something similarly like call the mom and say that you wanted to ask her daughter to marry you, what does mom think? We were miles away from my father so I think phone is fine as long as you've met before.
You could also talk to your girlfriend's friends to see what they think, if you're concerned. Have her friends or sisters gotten engaged or married? How did they deal with this issue?
Best wishes! I'm sure you'll figure it out and they will all be thrilled.
posted by kat518 at 7:12 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think you could do something similarly like call the mom and say that you wanted to ask her daughter to marry you, what does mom think? We were miles away from my father so I think phone is fine as long as you've met before.
You could also talk to your girlfriend's friends to see what they think, if you're concerned. Have her friends or sisters gotten engaged or married? How did they deal with this issue?
Best wishes! I'm sure you'll figure it out and they will all be thrilled.
posted by kat518 at 7:12 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
My husband asked my dad immediately before he asked me (it worked out just right for this to happen). I'm certain he didn't use the word "Permission", although the conversation has not been relayed to me in detail. My husband would have done it before, even if it had worked out so that he had to do it on the phone. I thought it was an awesome point of connection between my dad and my husband. So, if I were you, I'd call just before you do it.
Exceptions should be made for parents' who can't keep secrets. Then I think calling immediately after is fine.
I would absolutely not wait until Thanksgiving if you're proposing now- that is way too anticlimactic.
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:16 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Exceptions should be made for parents' who can't keep secrets. Then I think calling immediately after is fine.
I would absolutely not wait until Thanksgiving if you're proposing now- that is way too anticlimactic.
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:16 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
In my experience, it's likely that the first thing your future wife is going to want to do after you propose is call her mother and break the news (unless you specifically ask her not to?) - If you want a separate blessing from the mother beyond what she'll say during that phone call, you should call her beforehand.
posted by muddgirl at 7:17 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by muddgirl at 7:17 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I had planned to ask Mom after I propose.
That's Part 1 of the modern way of doing it. Part 2 is asking together: "Mrs Mom, we'd like to ask your blessing of our engagement."
posted by DarlingBri at 7:19 AM on June 26, 2012 [10 favorites]
That's Part 1 of the modern way of doing it. Part 2 is asking together: "Mrs Mom, we'd like to ask your blessing of our engagement."
posted by DarlingBri at 7:19 AM on June 26, 2012 [10 favorites]
Talk to your soon-to-be-fiance. My now-wife told me that had I asked her dad first, she would have been insulted and said "no".
posted by notsnot at 7:23 AM on June 26, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by notsnot at 7:23 AM on June 26, 2012 [13 favorites]
Yeah, make your your girlfriend is on board with this. If my husband had tried to talk to my mom and get her "blessing" first I probably would have said no to the proposal. My parents don't own me and I was certainly able to make life decisions without their permission or blessings (and it would have been slightly ridiculous considering our ages). My answer was really the only one that mattered in that case.
I'd say do the proposal first, then call mom (together) to announce the good news. You can ask for the blessing or however you'd like to phrase it then. Waiting to do it in person is a nice thought, but seems pretty impractical in this case. Is your GF supposed to keep the engagement a secret from her mom until Thanksgiving?
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:35 AM on June 26, 2012 [5 favorites]
I'd say do the proposal first, then call mom (together) to announce the good news. You can ask for the blessing or however you'd like to phrase it then. Waiting to do it in person is a nice thought, but seems pretty impractical in this case. Is your GF supposed to keep the engagement a secret from her mom until Thanksgiving?
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:35 AM on June 26, 2012 [5 favorites]
My wife let me know, while we were dating, that she felt uncomfortable with the idea of anybody "asking her father's permission" to marry her, but I also knew him to be a fairly traditional man with fairly conservative ideas about gender roles, and that not having some sort of conversation with him about it, prior to the proposal, would be taken as a sign of disrespect.
On a visit, he and I were walking the dog after breakfast and I said something much to the effect of, "I'm planning to ask your daughter to marry me, and I would certainly appreciate your thoughts on the matter." Being a bit flustered and nervous meant having a little leeway on the actual phrasing.
We had a relatively short conversation about work and family and how to handle arguments and about divorce and fidelity, and then, as it seemed to have gone well, I asked him if I had his blessing. This seems to have navigated the bases between not asking permission as such and still showing respect.
Of course, my Father-in-law knows his daughter well, so on the walk back he said, "now, when my daughter asks, the deal is that I said you could have her for two cows and six sheep." "No dice," I said, "I'm telling her we haggled until you agreed to let her go for a three-legged goat, and it didn't take long at all."
posted by gauche at 7:36 AM on June 26, 2012 [22 favorites]
On a visit, he and I were walking the dog after breakfast and I said something much to the effect of, "I'm planning to ask your daughter to marry me, and I would certainly appreciate your thoughts on the matter." Being a bit flustered and nervous meant having a little leeway on the actual phrasing.
We had a relatively short conversation about work and family and how to handle arguments and about divorce and fidelity, and then, as it seemed to have gone well, I asked him if I had his blessing. This seems to have navigated the bases between not asking permission as such and still showing respect.
Of course, my Father-in-law knows his daughter well, so on the walk back he said, "now, when my daughter asks, the deal is that I said you could have her for two cows and six sheep." "No dice," I said, "I'm telling her we haggled until you agreed to let her go for a three-legged goat, and it didn't take long at all."
posted by gauche at 7:36 AM on June 26, 2012 [22 favorites]
Congratulations on finding the person you want to share the rest of your life with!
I would prefer to be asked before rather than after a proposal. If you are going to be traditional and respectful, then the correct thing is to ask before. Misogynistic to ask for permission/blessing from the person or persons who raised a beautiful human being? I suppose it could be seen that way if you treat your girlfriend as an object rather than a person, but as my mother had said once before, respect above anything else. If your intention is to show respect, then ask, no one would ever mistake respect for misogyny.
Call her to speak to her before the proposal, you can thank her properly when you see her in person.
posted by Yellow at 7:49 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would prefer to be asked before rather than after a proposal. If you are going to be traditional and respectful, then the correct thing is to ask before. Misogynistic to ask for permission/blessing from the person or persons who raised a beautiful human being? I suppose it could be seen that way if you treat your girlfriend as an object rather than a person, but as my mother had said once before, respect above anything else. If your intention is to show respect, then ask, no one would ever mistake respect for misogyny.
Call her to speak to her before the proposal, you can thank her properly when you see her in person.
posted by Yellow at 7:49 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
This really comes down to the people involved and what they want. The most important people in the equation are you and your SO, so I suggest you two discuss it first. A small number of people are very into making the proposal a surprise, but honestly I think the etiquette today is that both partners should know the proposal is coming, even if they don't know the exact timing. So if you want to know what today's "etiquette" is, I think it's to start by bringing up marriage to your SO unless you know she wants it to be 100% a surprise. Then you can make these plans together.
Once you've talked about how you two feel about getting married, then you can discuss how to talk to parents. Some people want to go to parents together. This could be before the actual proposal or after the actual proposal - it's really up to what you and your SO want and what she knows about her mother. A few think the man should talk to the woman's parents before officially proposing. This isn't necessarily misogynistic (after all, you two already made your decision), sometimes it just comes from a certain idea of romance and doesn't have to symbolize anything deeper.
posted by Tehhund at 8:02 AM on June 26, 2012
Once you've talked about how you two feel about getting married, then you can discuss how to talk to parents. Some people want to go to parents together. This could be before the actual proposal or after the actual proposal - it's really up to what you and your SO want and what she knows about her mother. A few think the man should talk to the woman's parents before officially proposing. This isn't necessarily misogynistic (after all, you two already made your decision), sometimes it just comes from a certain idea of romance and doesn't have to symbolize anything deeper.
posted by Tehhund at 8:02 AM on June 26, 2012
I would also probably say no if someone asked my family before me. My dad would want to be asked beforehand, this is one of the reasons why my dad and I don't get along. (My dad would also be under the misimpression that him saying no would prevent the engagement.)
I think Thanksgiving is too long, though. I agree with calling and announcing/etc. directly after making the actual proposal, as a couple. Then you call your parents or other significant family members.
posted by anaelith at 8:05 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think Thanksgiving is too long, though. I agree with calling and announcing/etc. directly after making the actual proposal, as a couple. Then you call your parents or other significant family members.
posted by anaelith at 8:05 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
Before. It's just a thoughtful little gesture that means a lot to the parents. well, to some parents it is extremely important, to others, meh. Regardless, it's very sweet and considerate of you to think about this.
How you do it, doesn't matter much. Just call her up and say you love your gf with all your heart and want to spend the rest of your life trying to make her happy and that you would really appreciate her mother's blessing.
ta--da!
Don't worry about it, just go for it!
posted by Neekee at 8:07 AM on June 26, 2012
How you do it, doesn't matter much. Just call her up and say you love your gf with all your heart and want to spend the rest of your life trying to make her happy and that you would really appreciate her mother's blessing.
ta--da!
Don't worry about it, just go for it!
posted by Neekee at 8:07 AM on June 26, 2012
Ask before you propose, but get a green light from your future fiancee that it's okay to do so.
posted by Atreides at 8:09 AM on June 26, 2012
posted by Atreides at 8:09 AM on June 26, 2012
If you already know that your girlfriend's family expects this, likes you, and won't be surprised, why are you doing this? You already have their blessing. Unless there is some confusion between what her family as a whole thinks, and what her mother specifically thinks, any asking for blessings/"permission"/whatever is just an empty ritual.
Which means you can do this however you want. If the "permission" part is more important to you (which it sounds like it is, despite your claims to the contrary), then call your girlfriend's mom up and obtain her blessing before you ask your girlfriend to marry you.
If the permission part is not important to you, and you know that you already have your future mother in law's blessing, then that's not really asking, it's announcing. In which case you should do it as soon as possible after you ask your girlfriend, not months later during the holidays. I mean, what are you going to do, wait six months to tell anyone you're engaged?
How does your girlfriend feel about this sort of thing? I don't think it's worth what you yourself know is an empty (if attractive) ritual if you don't know this is something that would have positive meaning for your girlfriend.
posted by Sara C. at 8:11 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Which means you can do this however you want. If the "permission" part is more important to you (which it sounds like it is, despite your claims to the contrary), then call your girlfriend's mom up and obtain her blessing before you ask your girlfriend to marry you.
If the permission part is not important to you, and you know that you already have your future mother in law's blessing, then that's not really asking, it's announcing. In which case you should do it as soon as possible after you ask your girlfriend, not months later during the holidays. I mean, what are you going to do, wait six months to tell anyone you're engaged?
How does your girlfriend feel about this sort of thing? I don't think it's worth what you yourself know is an empty (if attractive) ritual if you don't know this is something that would have positive meaning for your girlfriend.
posted by Sara C. at 8:11 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Just to give you a perspective from the other side, my husband didn't ask anyone for their "permission" before he proposed, but he did talk to my mom because he knows my family is important to me (and would be to our new family, too). From what I understand, he basically said that he wanted to assure her how much he loved me, that he would always do his best to take care of me, and wanted her (and my family's) blessing as he asked me to marry him. The blessing was given.
When I heard, I thought it was really sweet and didn't think it was a misogynistic or paternalistic thing at all--we're just sort of old-fashioned people about sentimental matters and he was trying to be respectful to my family and make them feel included as we forged ahead as a new sub-family. However, we had been talking about marriage for awhile, so the proposal wasn't a total surprise, he felt pretty confident after previous conversations that this would be okay with me, and he also talked to my sister first to see how she thought I would feel about the "blessing-asking".
I think everybody's right about only doing this if you can be reasonably sure your fiancee would be on board, and then a phone call to mom would be fine. Otherwise, asking together after the fact would also be a nice gesture. It's good to be respectful to mom as long as you are also being respectful to your (someday!) wife.
Congratulations!
posted by anonnymoose at 8:15 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
When I heard, I thought it was really sweet and didn't think it was a misogynistic or paternalistic thing at all--we're just sort of old-fashioned people about sentimental matters and he was trying to be respectful to my family and make them feel included as we forged ahead as a new sub-family. However, we had been talking about marriage for awhile, so the proposal wasn't a total surprise, he felt pretty confident after previous conversations that this would be okay with me, and he also talked to my sister first to see how she thought I would feel about the "blessing-asking".
I think everybody's right about only doing this if you can be reasonably sure your fiancee would be on board, and then a phone call to mom would be fine. Otherwise, asking together after the fact would also be a nice gesture. It's good to be respectful to mom as long as you are also being respectful to your (someday!) wife.
Congratulations!
posted by anonnymoose at 8:15 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
The way to approach this is to ask for your future MILs opinion and help in planning the proposal. You can do this on the phone.
"Hi MIL, GF and I are thinking about getting married some time next year, and I want to make my proposal as romantic as possible. Here are some ideas I have, what do you think? Do you have any ideas?"
You get to include her in the planning process, which will thrill her no-end. It's not mysoginistic, it's sweet.
At the end of the call you can ask for the blessing, "So MIL, you've been so helpful, and I can't wait to propose to GF, as a formality, I'd like to ask for your blessing on our marriage."
Again, it's nothing but sweet.
Another thing you can do is to gather the family and propose in front of them. If you're so inclined.
Mazel-Tov!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:21 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
"Hi MIL, GF and I are thinking about getting married some time next year, and I want to make my proposal as romantic as possible. Here are some ideas I have, what do you think? Do you have any ideas?"
You get to include her in the planning process, which will thrill her no-end. It's not mysoginistic, it's sweet.
At the end of the call you can ask for the blessing, "So MIL, you've been so helpful, and I can't wait to propose to GF, as a formality, I'd like to ask for your blessing on our marriage."
Again, it's nothing but sweet.
Another thing you can do is to gather the family and propose in front of them. If you're so inclined.
Mazel-Tov!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:21 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
I've never heard of asking for a blessing after the proposal (especially several months after, as it would be at Thanksgiving.)
My SO and I asked for blessings/permission from my mother and his parents, a few days after I proposed and he accepted - though it wasn't that formal (for my mom, we asked, "Do you think it's a good idea for us to get engaged?" and she was like, "Oh, I thought you already were.") We were a little concerned about the prudence of marrying at that time in our lives and careers, and wished to know what our parents thought.
That said, this was after the proposal, and the "permission" was as much from his parents as my mine -- and I would have been incensed had he asked anyone for permission before the proposal (which was done by me anyways), no matter how "traditional" my parents were, because I am extremely feminist(TM).
You already plan to do this after the proposal. Ask your GF/fiancee then how she feels about it. If she's like me, she might say, "Fine, but I'm calling your parents right after." She might not -- but you should give her the option, as her feelings may not be the same as her parents. My father, for example, may have liked to have been asked for permission, but I would have been incensed had my SO did so -- and I would not have liked any jokes about selling me for cows. The fact that you are thinking of asking her mother may also change the dynamic, but most of all I would say: find out her feelings first.
As for place and time: I would do phone, and shortly after the proposal. You'll want to announce it then anyways. If you wish to be virtual "face-to-face", I would use video-chat/skype, which is nice with relatives even on less important occasions. Don't wait months.
posted by jb at 8:33 AM on June 26, 2012
My SO and I asked for blessings/permission from my mother and his parents, a few days after I proposed and he accepted - though it wasn't that formal (for my mom, we asked, "Do you think it's a good idea for us to get engaged?" and she was like, "Oh, I thought you already were.") We were a little concerned about the prudence of marrying at that time in our lives and careers, and wished to know what our parents thought.
That said, this was after the proposal, and the "permission" was as much from his parents as my mine -- and I would have been incensed had he asked anyone for permission before the proposal (which was done by me anyways), no matter how "traditional" my parents were, because I am extremely feminist(TM).
You already plan to do this after the proposal. Ask your GF/fiancee then how she feels about it. If she's like me, she might say, "Fine, but I'm calling your parents right after." She might not -- but you should give her the option, as her feelings may not be the same as her parents. My father, for example, may have liked to have been asked for permission, but I would have been incensed had my SO did so -- and I would not have liked any jokes about selling me for cows. The fact that you are thinking of asking her mother may also change the dynamic, but most of all I would say: find out her feelings first.
As for place and time: I would do phone, and shortly after the proposal. You'll want to announce it then anyways. If you wish to be virtual "face-to-face", I would use video-chat/skype, which is nice with relatives even on less important occasions. Don't wait months.
posted by jb at 8:33 AM on June 26, 2012
It's not misogynistic (really, how is marrying a woman misogynistic?), but to consider that a man should ask permission from a woman's family, and not the other way around as well is sexist, in the sense of differentiating between the two sexes and implying that one (the female) is not a full adult with the right to make a decision on her own. Asking permission from both families is romantic and equal.
posted by jb at 8:37 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by jb at 8:37 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
I was in a similar boat, and asked for a blessing from my now-in-laws via a letter, before proposing. Everyone understood that it was a respectful gesture (it's not like I wouldn't have proposed if they had said no), and we knew that it would be "yes" all around. Upshot to the letter: it's given my in-laws something physical to remember the experience by -- they treasure the letter to this day. So there's that.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:45 AM on June 26, 2012
posted by craven_morhead at 8:45 AM on June 26, 2012
First, you'd better be sure that your girlfriend is OK with this practice. If she isn't, it might cost you something after all. I didn't ask my fiancee's parents for their blessing/permission, because even though I don't think it would have offended her, my fiancee has a relationship with her parents that is a bit ambivalent at times. It seemed better not to shake things up.
Assuming that your girlfriend is OK with you doing this than, yes, do it after you have proposed. Once she says yes, then the two of you can ask for her mom's blessing together.
Even if you don't do the asking together, it's still more appropriate to do it after you've already proposed (and had her say "yes"). Contrary to popular belief, this is often the way that it was done in the past, when outright asking for permission was more common (this has come up in AskMe before, although I can't seem to find the link).
posted by asnider at 8:51 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Assuming that your girlfriend is OK with you doing this than, yes, do it after you have proposed. Once she says yes, then the two of you can ask for her mom's blessing together.
Even if you don't do the asking together, it's still more appropriate to do it after you've already proposed (and had her say "yes"). Contrary to popular belief, this is often the way that it was done in the past, when outright asking for permission was more common (this has come up in AskMe before, although I can't seem to find the link).
posted by asnider at 8:51 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
You need to ask your fiancee first, even if it's just asking her permission to ask her mother, and then asking her to marry you after. It's respectful of the parents, I guess, but I would have found it profoundly disrespectful of me if my husband had asked my parents if it was ok before he asked me, and would never have been able to see him in the same light.
posted by brainmouse at 8:58 AM on June 26, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 8:58 AM on June 26, 2012 [5 favorites]
If I were you, I'd ask your girlfriend what she thinks for two reasons.
1. You'll want to get her opinion of the practice.
2. She might have some insight into what her mom would want.
When I proposed to Mrs. VTX, I asked her father for his blessing beforehand, because Mrs. VTX wanted me to. But, I asked him not to tell my future mother-in-law because I knew that she would be more excited to get a call from her daughter saying, "We're engaged!" Than she would with me asking for her blessing before hand. My girlfriend knew that she wanted to be the one to tell her mom and that her mom would rather have the surprise than the respectful gesture while her dad wouldn't care about the surprise aspect and appreciated the gesture more. Your girlfriend might be different.
posted by VTX at 9:08 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. You'll want to get her opinion of the practice.
2. She might have some insight into what her mom would want.
When I proposed to Mrs. VTX, I asked her father for his blessing beforehand, because Mrs. VTX wanted me to. But, I asked him not to tell my future mother-in-law because I knew that she would be more excited to get a call from her daughter saying, "We're engaged!" Than she would with me asking for her blessing before hand. My girlfriend knew that she wanted to be the one to tell her mom and that her mom would rather have the surprise than the respectful gesture while her dad wouldn't care about the surprise aspect and appreciated the gesture more. Your girlfriend might be different.
posted by VTX at 9:08 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
but I think it's respectful and costs me nothing
You sure about that? If your girlfriend doesn't approve, it will cost you a lot. I think doing this is disrespectful of your girlfriend, but I'm not her, so no one her can give you sound advice without know her viewpoint.
posted by spaltavian at 9:37 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
You sure about that? If your girlfriend doesn't approve, it will cost you a lot. I think doing this is disrespectful of your girlfriend, but I'm not her, so no one her can give you sound advice without know her viewpoint.
posted by spaltavian at 9:37 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
The only reason I did not ask for my father-in-law's blessing on my marriage is that my wife stated to me early on in our relationship that she would consider that an insult, and that it's an anti-feminist tradition. I definitely understand that point of view, so I didn't ask. However, that was a little tough for me as it's how I was raised that it's polite to do that.
I don't think it mattered in the end. My wife's family loves me more than my own family ever did.
posted by tckma at 10:02 AM on June 26, 2012
I don't think it mattered in the end. My wife's family loves me more than my own family ever did.
posted by tckma at 10:02 AM on June 26, 2012
You say you're doing this for the tradition and respectful gesture aspect, and future MIL lives far away. And YES, I think your girlfriend should get the question first. So, what about a nice old-fashioned note sent via post after the big question is asked: "I have proposed to your daughter and she has graciously accepted. Before we proceed, however, we would appreciate your blessing..." or something like that?
posted by queensissy at 10:32 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by queensissy at 10:32 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
PS - I should have emphasized that I think changing the "I" to "we" in the blessing-seeking is important.
posted by queensissy at 10:36 AM on June 26, 2012
posted by queensissy at 10:36 AM on June 26, 2012
My father (now in his 50's) proposed to my mother and she said yes. Though right afterward she asked "did my father say yes?" to which he replied "why would I ask him if you want to marry me, can't you make your own decisions?". (Metro NY, United States, in case anyone is wondering what sort of cultural issues might be at play here.)
Think of it this way, if you ask a woman's parent(s) for permission (or water it down and ask for their blessing) and he/she/they say "no", what do you do? Dump your GF citing that her parents wouldn't give permission? Or do you say to yourself "it doesn't matter what they think, we're adults and this is the life we're choosing together"? If it's the second choice, then why did you ask if their permission/blessing didn't matter?
Sure the entire wedding thing has a lot of references back to when women were treated as property, you can include or exclude them however you want, though I'd probably do what others have mentioned here and figure out how your wife-to-be feels about all these traditions that have these not so nice origins. Hopefully the two of you are roughly on the same page here (and in other aspects of your relationship).
posted by Brian Puccio at 10:43 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
Think of it this way, if you ask a woman's parent(s) for permission (or water it down and ask for their blessing) and he/she/they say "no", what do you do? Dump your GF citing that her parents wouldn't give permission? Or do you say to yourself "it doesn't matter what they think, we're adults and this is the life we're choosing together"? If it's the second choice, then why did you ask if their permission/blessing didn't matter?
Sure the entire wedding thing has a lot of references back to when women were treated as property, you can include or exclude them however you want, though I'd probably do what others have mentioned here and figure out how your wife-to-be feels about all these traditions that have these not so nice origins. Hopefully the two of you are roughly on the same page here (and in other aspects of your relationship).
posted by Brian Puccio at 10:43 AM on June 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
Check with your girlfriend/soon-to-be-fiancee. Contra many of the posters above, I would be impressed/delighted with the permission-asking ritual thing. Especially because of the number of parents I have to be asked (*).
Anyway, the politics of family relationships do not begin or end here - you need to know how, exactly, your new family unit is going to navigate these sometimes treacherous waters. And that means being a team about it. Your soon-to-be-fiancee is your #1 resource for these matters, and will be for the rest of time. Use her wisely now, to build this very necessary lifelong habit.
Also, dude, congratulations!
(*) I'm now indulging in a bit of vaguely amusing internal dialogue about the order of the asking... the first criterion is, of course, who would be most upset to have not been asked first. I think my dad might be the winner; my stepdad is a pretty low-key guy and my mom respects traditions enough to be OK with being asked second (though NOT third, you'd have to somehow catch my dad on the phone and then immediately turn around and ask my mom before word got to my stepparents.) This is part of why I'd be impressed about a fiance-to-be successfully pulling this off - I still haven't totally recovered from the Sixth Grade Culmination Ceremony Incident of '92.
posted by SMPA at 10:57 AM on June 26, 2012
Anyway, the politics of family relationships do not begin or end here - you need to know how, exactly, your new family unit is going to navigate these sometimes treacherous waters. And that means being a team about it. Your soon-to-be-fiancee is your #1 resource for these matters, and will be for the rest of time. Use her wisely now, to build this very necessary lifelong habit.
Also, dude, congratulations!
(*) I'm now indulging in a bit of vaguely amusing internal dialogue about the order of the asking... the first criterion is, of course, who would be most upset to have not been asked first. I think my dad might be the winner; my stepdad is a pretty low-key guy and my mom respects traditions enough to be OK with being asked second (though NOT third, you'd have to somehow catch my dad on the phone and then immediately turn around and ask my mom before word got to my stepparents.) This is part of why I'd be impressed about a fiance-to-be successfully pulling this off - I still haven't totally recovered from the Sixth Grade Culmination Ceremony Incident of '92.
posted by SMPA at 10:57 AM on June 26, 2012
Take a holiday to Tonga, west of the international date line. Propose to your partner then make a short trip east to American Samoa where it will be yesterday. Phone your partner's family from there to ask for permission. Everyone wins.
Seriously though, ask your girlfriend.
posted by Mike1024 at 12:15 PM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
Seriously though, ask your girlfriend.
posted by Mike1024 at 12:15 PM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
Propose to her, then you can jointly call both sets of parents and tell them what you're planning and ask their blessing.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:22 PM on June 26, 2012
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:22 PM on June 26, 2012
defer to your fiance. it's her family, she knows best what will work well.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:58 PM on June 26, 2012
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:58 PM on June 26, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks all, I asked my girlfriend. She is a feminist but is completely unfazed by having me ask her mom first; she knows marriage is her decision. She knows her mom would never say no and that Mom wouldn't even mind if I never asked at all, but Mom would highly appreciate the gesture of being asked before I ask her daughter. So it will be.
posted by massysett at 5:17 PM on June 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by massysett at 5:17 PM on June 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
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Congratulations!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:47 AM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]