Broke up with my gf and I don't know what to make of my feelings. should I get back with her? Should I just move on ? Should I go no contact?
posted by hildegarde89 to human relations (18 answers total)
Dated a girl for 3 years. Things were great between us at first, we moved in together and had plans to make a life together.
But I guess all the arguments ended up taking a toll on our relationship. At first, we used to argue so much, it was crazy. A year in our relationship, we separated and got back together after 3 weeks. She was the one to initiate the break, but she later said she realized I am the one for her, she was miserable without me and all. So, we got back together. For the following months, we barely fought ( we use to fight so much that arguing once in a while felt like not fighting at all!). Yet, I was already feeling that something was missing. Nonetheless, we kept doing our thing. I was hoping my doubts would ease with time.
Few months later, we got into an argument, and in the heat of the moment I broke up with her. I was very stressed out by school ( grad school) and I guess It weighted on my decision. That night she refused to tell anyone it was over and kept talking me into getting back together. After giving it some thoughts, I decided not to go through with the breakup.
I later found out that when she was trying to convince me that we were both just under stress and we should not breakup, she also signed up on dating sites. When I asked her about it, she broke into tears and told me that she just felt worthless as we were talking about the breakup and wanted to see if she was still attractive. She wanted to see if anyone would wink at her, but she was not thinking of doing anything. However, this reinforced my feelings that she was also trying to stay with me because she was just afraid of not finding someone after. I had the feeling she was not really in love with me, but just with the idea of companionship.
She knew that my feelings were not what they used to be, but said we could work on that and take it slow.
A month later, I was studying my butt off for my finals, when she came to me. She wanted to talk about my feelings. SO I told her how I felt, and how things were not getting back to what they used to be. She was understandably upset and decided that she wanted to go somewhere else for a little while to give me some room to think. I wanted to stop her from leaving, but never found the strength to do so. She left, and we kept in contact. I felt like I could not make up my mind and decided few days after, it would probably be best to let her go. I was having such a hard time overlooking the flaws. When we talked, she said she understood, and said she appreciated the fact I was honest about my feelings.
A week later, I found out she was back on dating sites, seeing people and was already being intimate with someone. Needless to say, it crushed me. I understand that we were not together anymore and she was free to do as she pleased. However, I felt like our time together never truly meant anything to her. Besides, she had told me before that signing up on dating sites was silly, and that she was over that and wanted to prove to me that all she wanted was me and no one else. Yet, this is exactly what she did this time around.
The sad thing is, I was starting to miss her a lot and was going to talk to her. I was determined to discuss things with her, and was thinking about taking things to the next level (engagement), had we decided to get back together for good.
Even though I was the one to break up with her, I still did care about her. I wasn’t even thinking about dating someone else or having no strings attached sex.
I still miss her a lot and have been feeling quite down lately. She was like my best friend. She asked me once if there was a chance we could get back together. However,I feel like getting back together wouldn’t do us any good, given what I know.
I’m so down right now. I wanted to get your input on the situation. What does it all mean ?was this her way of exacting revenge ? why does she ask me if there is a chance to get back together, even though she knows I know about what she did?
I feel like she kept clinging to our relationship not because she was truly in love with me, but because she was scarred of losing the companionship and not finding anyone else.
Having said that, I wonder if getting back together would do us any good. I feel like I can’t trust her anymore. I understand that everyone deals with pain in his/her own way. However, I do not think I would be able to put up with someone who might seek affirmation somewhere else every time the going gets tough for the rest of my life! A relationship is hard work ! things go south quite often. How can we make a life together when the trust is gone, when you can’t say for sure that your significant other truly loves you and will be there for you during bad times?
That is probably the main reason I haven’t talked to her about getting back together.
I feel like my judgment might be clouded at the moment because I was so used to living with her, that I feel like I need her in my life. This was by far my longest relationship and the one I felt like would last a lifetime. There are days when I feel like I don’t really need her , I will be fine without her. But then again, there are days when I just feel so lonely. We both didn't have much of a life outside of the relationship. The difference is she has family and friends around, while most of my close friends live in a different state and my family lives outside of the country. It’s just been a month since we split up. Even though I feel so lonely, I do not want to get into a rebound relationship either. I think it is selfish and inconsiderate.
There are days I want to just get back with her, if she still wants to. It would, however, suck to get back with her only to realize this would not work. We have both made some mistakes and hurt each other, and I worry that we may start resenting each other if we get back together. I am just so confused right now. Should I wait few more months to sort through my feelings before doing anything I could later regret ? Things are not going well for me professionally, and that could also exemplify the feeling of loneliness and the urge to get back together to relieve some of the stress. Like I said, I am very confused right now and don't know what to make of my feelings.
she also says she was just dating, nothing serious and no one is like me and she is miserable. She said she wants to hear from me, but when I text her she takes forever to reply, or just use short sentences, like she doesn’t want to talk. But then again, there are days when she seems like she wants to know about how I am doing. I’m so confused. Should I just go no contact for a while ?