Should I be worried?

June 25, 2012 9:37 AM

What does it mean when things are very difficult rather early on in a relationship?

I started seeing someone in March, and things progressed rather quickly into a serious relationship. He is 26, I am 28. Although being opposites in almost every manner imaginable, we connect deeply and feel as though we were meant to be brought together. After a particularly terrible end to my last serious relationship, I took lots of time to work on myself and figure out what I need and want. I believe I have found it with this man. We are both deeply in love with one another, but our short time together has not been without its share of strife.

He is in a serious state of flux right now (post-grad. school, no real career prospects and some uncertainty about what he'd actually like to do, he hates living in the city we both inhabit and can't wait to get out) and is generally unhappy about his situation, with the exception of his relationship with me.

I have been working at the same institution for 3 years now and have a more established "career", although I have felt for some time that staying here is not something I intend to do. I'm bored and feel underutilized, despite the great benefits. I don't hate where I live, but I'm not tied to it in any real way, either.

We have already talked a bit about living with one another, marriage, and raising children together. He will often bring these things up with me in a positive way (as in, "I can't wait to do these things with you") and later admit to me that he is conflicted about where he stands in regards to these things. I understand that: we're only at the beginning here! All the same, it is hard to hear him bring up these things as though he wants them to happen, only to have him waffle on things later. I wish he'd just stop mentioning them so we can simply spend time getting to know one another more fully.

This is all to say: I am not used to things being this challenging at the beginning of a relationship. I sometimes find myself wondering if I should just encourage him to move to a city he'd be happier in and try long-distance with him for a while. I'd also be TOTALLY up for moving with him wherever he wishes to go, although I'm not sure how prudent it would be given how briefly we've been involved.

Is any of this normal? Have relationships put to the test early-on survived?

posted by singinginmychains to Human Relations (17 answers total)

What is the challenging part of the relationship? I see that he has some instability in his life, but that's not about the relationship, and the only other thing you list is that he says stuff about being excited about your future together but then... waffles? Whatever that means? Honestly I barely see conflict in your post, let alone "the test" that you're being put to?
posted by brainmouse at 9:40 AM on June 25, 2012 [6 favorites]

I don't know that you have problems in your relationship so much as you're in a relationship with someone who has problems.

I mean this kindly. It sounds like your partner doesn't know what he wants from life, much less how to get there. Nothing you do or don't do will make this easier on him.

Meanwhile, all you can do is decide whether this relationship is worth weathering this uncertain and kind of unhappy time in his life. It might be! But it also might be that he never does figure it out, or maybe he will figure it out and it won't be you he wants. It's a gamble, but all relationships are, aren't they?

That said, a relationship can definitely survive some early stressors -- heck, in the early days of my relationship with my now-husband, we broke up once, and only a couple of months after we got back together had a few months of long-distance. We've been together for, what, twenty years, now? And it's been a remarkably drama-free relatioship, for all the dramz on the up-front. So it can happen.
posted by Andrhia at 9:46 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

It does seem a bit early for either of you to be talking about having kids. I think I empathize with this guy; you, and the great connection he has with you, lend him some sense of being able to envision a future for himself when everything else seems hazy. But he's not 100% sold on it because a) you've only been dating for a few months and b) a human needs a reason to be, besides his lady.

Is this normal? Eh. Who knows? Have you told him you support whatever he wants to do and are willing to move with him? If you are 100% sure of this, you might want to tell him. This might actually be the dose of relationship reality he needs to help him make a decision. But only if you're sure.
posted by Miss T.Horn at 9:52 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

If your boyfriend can eventually get his act together, either where he is now, or where he wants to be, then you've got something to work with. If he's paralyzed and doing nothing, he's using his relationship with you as an excuse.

He may be the most awesome guy in the world, he may be your soul mate, but he's not moving forward (at least as far as I can see based upon what you've written.)

Is he looking for career prospects...anywhere? Sure he wants to leave, but is that a pipedream, or is he working to make it happen.

I'd back off a bit, let him work out his day-to-day stuff. Let him move, do the long distance thing (Husbunny and I were long distance for a year before we moved together.) Once he has his life undercontrol, he'll be able to assess what he wants from a relationship with you.

After two months, an unemployed college grad is no big deal. How enthusiastic are you going to be after two years of it?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:52 AM on June 25, 2012

It doesn't sound like the problems with your relationship really are dealbreakers. Having been there myself, you have to consider that perhaps he is waffling on the "long term" stuff potentially because he feels inadquate and unsettled in his life outside of your relationship. In a logical sense, he wants to start a family with you, but he can not be a good provider without an established career. This disconnect could be a big reason why he's waffling. It sounds like he is hopeful most of the time.

Like others above have said, if he's not proactively trying to establish his personal affairs outside of your relationship, that would be the bigger problem.
posted by erstwhile at 9:54 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

Agreed with above - the challenges aren't really about your relationship, they are about him and him figuring out his life. When I read that he can't wait to move I was all "Ohhh there's a problem" but then you wrote you've been feeling the same, so even that doesn't really seem to be an issue. The little bit you said about your relationship actually all sounds fine. The only challenge is that it sounds like you have already figured out what you want to do and have your life more or less figured out, but he is in a major transition period and is having trouble nailing down what he wants to do next.

The question really should be "Is being in a relationship with someone who is in major transition and on an unclear path while I am settled and have already chosen my path?"
posted by gwenlister at 9:54 AM on June 25, 2012

I think him talking about marriage and such this early on may be a bit of a yellow flag, not necessarily a red one; but not for the reason you're thinking.

Talking about marriage and kids seriously after only 3 months is indeed kind of....soon. Y'all just don't know enough about each other yet to know whether you do want to be in the long haul yet. It may be fun to daydream about it and all, and I think everyone does a little bit but...talking about it seriously like it's something you're really gonna do? Not such a great idea.

So this isn't necessarily a sign that the relationship is "facing a challenge" of the kind you describe; rather, it sounds like more of a sign that your boyfriend is really letting himself get really swept up and carried away with the relationship really, really fast. Which is sweet and romantic, yeah, but....it may also be a sign that he's really impulsive, or that he wants so badly to be in a relationship that he's just letting himself get swept up in things really easily.

These are not totally insurmountable things, mind you, but definitely a reason to be cautious and say that you think it's too soon to talk or think seriously about marriage and kids like that, and you want to give it a FEW more months before you know whether you're ready for something long-term and serious.

Andrhia is right about him being the one with the problem; although his problem may not necessarily be "not knowing what he wants," it could also be "he's really afraid of not being in a relationship."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:54 AM on June 25, 2012 [4 favorites]

I wish he'd just stop mentioning them so we can simply spend time getting to know one another more fully.

Tell him that! He can't read your mind. He sounds like he is very confused and directionless and sometimes he thinks promising a future will keep you around and sometimes he thinks it may scare you off, or imply too big of a commitment from him. That doesn't make him a bad guy, or someone out to hurt you. He just doesn't see how all the pieces are going to fit together yet.

Please don't leave a stable job and your current support system to follow a three month relationship with someone that can't quite commit. That would most likely be a recipie for disaster. In no way do I think your relationship is doomed but timing is everything; right now does not sound like a good time for him and maybe slowing down, giving him more space to figure out himself (rather than spending all his energy on you) and being clear in your own communication will help you to have a lasting relationship.
posted by saucysault at 9:57 AM on June 25, 2012 [8 favorites]

I think you should end the relationship if you think he's likely not to get his act together while you are together - and it seems you do fear he won't get his act together.

In other words, I think your concerns are valid. And the grandiose statements + waffling is a red flag, too.
posted by jbenben at 10:07 AM on June 25, 2012

i also don't understand what the major difficulties are. you are 3 months into a relationship. he's 26. cut him some slack. most people don't have the rest of their lives figured out at 26.
posted by violetk at 10:13 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

I agree with saucysault - you need to communicate all this stuff to him very clearly, then live your lives (both as a couple and as individuals) one day at a time. There is no reason you have to make all your decisions right now; nothing at this point is irreversible. Try the long distance thing, if it makes you both miserable and you decide being together is the most important thing, do that. Take the time to continue getting to know each other and seeing which direction you want your lives - as a couple and as individuals - to go.
posted by thrasher at 10:13 AM on June 25, 2012

Maybe his telling you these fantasies are because he is so excited about you and he is jumping the gun because of it. He is young enough to get excited about you and a future with you, but too young to really know his course in life.

Just back up and slow down a bit. Ask him to not share his future fantasies with you until he has a better knowledge of how he wants his future to play out.

I agree that it doesn't sound like there are major problems in the (very new) relationship, just that you met him at a time where he is in the middle of getting his life together.
posted by Vaike at 10:30 AM on June 25, 2012

I have kind of been your boyfriend! I was just a few years older, but in my last relationship I was also in a serious state of flux concerning my career/life path. Our situation was very similar, we were very different people with a strong connection, and things started fast and progressed fast. At times, I was sure that she was the girl I was going to marry. However, I was pretty unhappy with most of the other aspects of my life at the time, especially my career or lack thereof, and this bled over into how I felt about almost everything else in my life. There were times where I think this clouded how I felt about my girlfriend, and everything in my life in general, and made it very difficult for me to commit to her at times.

Anyway, not to ramble on about my situation, but my point is, just from personal experience, given that he's uncertain about his career and other aspects of his life, it may be hard for him to separate those feelings from how he feels about his relationship with you. He probably needs to start getting the other aspects of his life sorted out before he's ready to go all in on a relationship, even if you two are a good match for each other, and even if he knows this.

3 months is short, and things could still change quickly. I wouldn't recommend picking up and moving with him yet, because you don't know how he's going to come out of this period of uncertainty. Like others have mentioned, he may come out realizing that he absolutely wants to be with you and is ready to fully commit (it's what happened to me, although it was basically too late at that point) or he may realize that you don't fit the kind of life he's decided he wants for himself. I would suggest talking to him about all of this though, and if you're up for it, the more you can help him navigate these life issues, the more he may come to appreciate you as a partner. I nth all of the people here saying this isn't really a relationship problem though, it's more about the other problems in his life that affect how he's relating to you. Good luck!
posted by tokaidanshi at 10:47 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

Just wait and see what happens. It's been three months. You don't have to plan out your future with your boyfriend yet.

Don't encourage him to move or do anything. He needs to figure that out on his own.

Don't think about moving or changing jobs unless you want to do it for yourself, for reasons independent of him.

Do tell him you should both put the marriage and future talk on hold for a while, since you're just at the beginning of your relationship, and follow through on that by not bringing it up.
posted by chickenmagazine at 12:13 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

To me, I think the most important factor is that you are clearly not comfortable with how things are going. The terms that you used to describe this are pretty strong, especially given that most of us look at the facts that you've described and kind of get the "meh, nothing especially awful here" vibe. To me, that says that there is a bit more going on here. But whether there is or isn't, you're entitled to your feelings. And they're strong, and I think you should listen to them.

For what it's worth, I understand how frustrating a situation like this can be. I dated a guy in a similar situation. He was a good guy, and we had a lot in common and had a great time together. But he just radiated negativity and misery and confusion, and eventually that just starts rubbing off on you. It is infectious. And I don't have a lot of room for that in my life.

When I was in your position, I chalked this up to bad timing and cut my losses and moved on. Could things have worked out? Maybe. But probably not. It is really hard to get to know someone when they are miserable because they aren't living the life that they want to be living.
posted by jph at 12:28 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have been in this situation as well---great relationship, except for a big external issue on his part (an ongoing legal issue) that was difficult, but not about me and due to end soon. We had some tough times (and still do, although the end is near) where he'd come home upset and depressed and I'd have to deal with him. What's helped me is realizing that I don't always have to engage with his drama just because he's having it. I used to feel like if he was in a bad mood, I would feel compelled to try and use logic to talk him out of it, but that never worked. I used to also get upset when he'd say things like 'nobody understands how hard this is for me' (because my reflex would be 'but *I* understand!) Finally, I learned that some days he's just going to be like this, and that saying 'I don't know how to respond to that statement' or 'I would rather not talk about this right now' did more to end the drama than trying to talk him out of feeling it did :)
posted by JoannaC at 2:04 PM on June 25, 2012

I think sometimes, when people are in very insecure states, they can really latch on to the few things that are secure with unaccustomed tenacity. Is it possible your boyfriend is so invested in this imaginary future with you because its security is comforting for him in a very stressful time, but at stages he (rationally) realises it's way too early to be talking and thinking like that, and perhaps the existential malaise from the rest of his life causes him to back off?

I guess what I'm saying is it's possible forces outside the relationship are making him both declare these committments and resile from them. I think it's difficult when person is in flux, you don't necessarily get an accurate picture of what they're like when life is on its more regular, even keel.
posted by smoke at 5:41 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]