What to do about 8 year old stealing

June 24, 2012 11:14 AM

I'm posting for my sister. Her question: I have an 8 year-old daughter, 4th of 6 kids, who is loving and fun a lot of the time, and tempermental and argumentative with her siblings more often than the other kids. I get reports from my older kids often that she has stolen their things and I have found ipods, my jewelry, etc. under her bed on more than one occassion. I hae spoken to her many times, have had her write letters of apology, give up something of hers, etc. Although she has many toys and things of her own, she always wants what others have and has a very dark green streak of jealousy.

I try to give her a lot of attention so she doesn't feel lost in such a big family. In fact, I just started a book club for her and her friends. What happened today, however, has me stumped. I really don't know what to do, but feel it needs to be more than what I have done in the past. A family friend, 11 years-old, came over yesterday and I took two of my daughters and this friend to a local waterpark. We took the friend home on the way back. I then received a call from the friend who claimed to have left her cell phone here. I looked and couldn't find it. This morning I received a text saying, "Nevermind, I found my phone." Great! About 10 minutes later, my 16 year-old walked in on my 8 year-old hiding and playing with the phone. She found the phone, hid it, and texted me that her friend found her phone! I had her call the friend and apologize, but this seems over the top. Help!

posted by ms_rasclark to human relations (11 answers total)

What you've done up til now is what I would have done. I think you shouldn't keep trying by yourself, or just rely on advice here -- even good advice. This is the point at which I'd seek help from a professional.
posted by tyllwin at 11:20 AM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Your child needs help from a professional specializing in children's therapy. The alternative is that the "professional" next involved will be the police.

Take this seriously. Your child is already guilty of several counts of misdeanor theft, at this point, from what you've said.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:24 AM on June 24, 2012 [9 favorites]

Sorry, of course you ARE taking this seriously. What I meant to imply was "don't wait!".
posted by IAmBroom at 11:25 AM on June 24, 2012

I had her call the friend and apologize

Can you describe her demeanour when she is caught and when she is making a call like this? have you actually asked her why she is stealing, using the word "stealing"? I think her responses could be informative in terms of getting you good answers here.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:35 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is the point at which I'd seek help from a professional.

Me too. It sounds like you've been doing the right things. What you're describing seems like a good point to be bring in a therapist. There's nothing wrong with reaching for a professional when the difficulty level ramps up and I think the benefit to the girl and the family would be huge, and way smarter than waiting passively to see what this situation looks like when she's thirteen.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:56 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Agreed that therapy is probably the best thing to handle this, and obviously some serious heart-to-heart talking and consequences need to follow.

On a different tack, most of the petty thieves I knew growing up were into it for two reasons: they wanted what they stole and they loved the thrill. Any way you can create opportunities foe these things in addition to therapy & consequences? Maybe special paid chores (so she has legitimate ways to get what she wants) and encouraging some kind of adrenaline-inducing activity like martial arts (which will also help her self-regulation issues) or some other sport?
posted by smirkette at 12:04 PM on June 24, 2012

I agree that you are absolutely past the point where you can fix this all by yourselves. There's no shame at all in getting outside help.
posted by SMPA at 4:41 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Agreed with the others. It sounds like this has escalated beyond what an untrained person can fix at home.

Kids with impulse-control and decision-making deficits need intervention sooner rather than later, because every day brings a new chance to do something that can't be fixed with an apology. This particular kind of behavior is probably the riskiest flavor in that age range; they're small enough that even an uncontrolled temper is probably less dangerous. It's not just the threat of encountering the legal system, either. Eight year olds are generally not very blackmailable, unless you're committing crimes, and then getting caught stealing a candy bar can easily turn into "you need to come into the back room/get in my car/do X and I won't tell your mom."

I think a private (out of the child's hearing) conversation with her pediatrician might be the first step. Just like the advice we give grown-ups here, if you are finding yourself behaving/feeling ways that seem wrong, you need a checkup to rule out physical issues, and then maybe referral to next steps.

Yeah, I know a lot of people who went through shoplifting stages (usually during puberty, though) and came out okay eventually. But she's 8. And she's stealing what she must surely at least vaguely realize is an adult's property, even if a child was using it. And then she's engaging in some fairly clever manipulation to not get caught. And then! Is not deterred by knowing that if she's caught she'll be forced to apologize. I think, in total, that's a lot to write off as a minor issue.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:31 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

A dark streak of jealousy jumps out at me - I'm nthing getting a decent therapist. I'd go for someone with a cognitive therapy or family therapy background, not a psychiatrist at this point. She's a middle kid, and jealousy can be particularly hard, especially with sibling stuff. Sibling relationships can be way more complex than child-parent relationships, and it's hard as parents to see the reality of it, with two competing narratives from each child. My kids have days where they hate each other more than anyone in the world and the next week, they're best friends suddenly.

As a punishment for that, I would make the kid work to earn the cost of the phone - household chores, probably overpaid so e.g. two months of doing laundry and dishes every night. Or I would have them give up something equally valuable to them (not in cost but value, e.g. collection of dolls) and have them - when they calmed down - write a short letter about how it feels to have to lost something they valued. All stuff you've done, but I would take it to the max.

And lock her down - no more trips outside with friends. She's lost that privilege for lying and stealing. Until she can be trusted which means no thefts at home, she doesn't get to go out and have fun when she might steal again. Be very matter-of-fact and calmly resigned about it - "Oh, it's a shame you can't go to the movies, but you stole Friend's phone and haven't finished paying her back for it. You need to be trusted to go out."

Does she have poor impulse control for other things? Is she frustrated and doing it for attention? Is she trying to hurt the people she steals from? There are so many possible root causes, that all you can do now is redirect and enforce consequences until you get some professional help figuring out why it's so severe.

Lots of kids steal a little bit and are occasionally jealous or overlooked (BTW the book club idea is genius and really sweet) - if your parenting instincts are telling you she's going past the normal range, listen to them.
posted by viggorlijah at 10:23 PM on June 24, 2012

I agree you would benefit from some outside help. In the absence of any follow-up from the OP, one thing I would also mention is that the punishment has to fit the crime. In this case, the child stole and then did something even beyond lying -- something really quite breathtaking -- to cover it up. At that point, in my house you'd be barred from all electronic devices - phones, TV, games consoles, iPods, etc. - for a month.

"Now you call and apologise!" is IMHO appropriate for hiding a book or pulling someone's hair. It is not sufficient to what is described here, either as a deterrent or as an effective communication of "stealing and lying are not acceptable and we are not kidding."
posted by DarlingBri at 5:04 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

In addition to all the great advice given above, you may want to look into how elementary schools use restorative justice in their classrooms, and see if there's a way to do something similar with your family. This pdf may be a good start, assuming I did the link correctly (if not, google "Implementing Restorative Justice: A guide for Schools).
posted by violetish at 9:30 AM on June 25, 2012