How to get my emotions to move on after a break up?

June 24, 2012 8:56 AM

I know what I need to do to move on from a break up, but why do I still feel depressed and upset about it?

I've been reading a lot of the advice on here, and I've been following the steps to break up survival well, but I still feel sharp bites of depression and pain that things aren't going to be okay. A bit of background below.

I dated my GF for 2 years, and we lived together during the final 6 months. Two months ago, she admitted that she was worried that she had strong feelings for her friend, that her life was a mess, and that she needed space. I did not see this coming and thought we had the best relationship ever. So, I was upset and needy. I fought to keep her back, even offering to go to therapy with her, but she didn't want me to. I moved out and after two weeks, I got the picture, and cut off all contact in hopes that one day we'd get back together. Two weeks later, I made the mistake of driving by her house and saw the car of her friend parked outside in the early AM. I knew then that her time was for exploring this person. I immediately understood that I never want to get back with her.

I moved the rest of my things out of her house soon after and she contacted me to finalize ending the lease, etc. I got that sorted, and we haven't spoken since. I have no plans to ever speak with her again. This was about 3 weeks ago.

I've been focusing on work and exercise a lot lately. I’ve been visiting with old time friends, and I've been also focusing a lot on reading about new things and learning. I got rid of everything that reminded me of her and us. So I feel that I'm doing all the right things I need to.

My question is that I know this isn't going to be easy, but when doing the right steps to move on, how can I get my emotions to follow suit? Sometimes the feelings are so strong that I want to sulk and cry, but I know mentally that I was not respected in the relationship and I don't want that person anymore. It’s been very confusing for me, as this isn’t my first break up, and I haven’t had strong negative feelings like this before.

posted by neveroddoreven to human relations (20 answers total)

Oh, honey, this was two years with someone and you only got hit with this about a month ago.

Your emotions go back and forth and jump all over the place and backtrack while you're recovering from a breakup; it's like, each of the different parts of your psyche have their own pace of recovering.

Give yourself time. This isn't an overnight thing. Doing all the things you need to do will help, but giving yourself a lot of time is also one of those things.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:01 AM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

It sounds like you're doing the stuff that's best to do after a breakup - exercise, distraction, no contact.

You can't order yourself to feel or not feel something; emotions don't work that way. If you're in a situation where it would be really not okay to burst into tears (e.g. meeting at work), try to do something that's immediately distracting - even changing your physical position can help.

Otherwise, it's just time. You can't really rush it, but the intensity and frequency of the awful feelings will fade. You just kind of have to get through it to get past it.
posted by rtha at 9:02 AM on June 24, 2012

There seems to be a thoroughly modern notion that you just turn your feelings off when a relationship ends like a light switch. That's crap. You can recognize your emotions and acknowledge them as legitimate without letting them take over your life. Give yourself some time, like an evening, to feel awful and wallow and grieve, and then keep on chugging. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:04 AM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Grieving a loss is part of the healing process. You're being really focused on working through your loss, which is great, but your emotions are going to move at their own pace. It might be a few more months before you're always on an even keel about this, and that's perfectly normal.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:05 AM on June 24, 2012

Being active, hanging out with friends, keeping your mind off it is all great and works well, but you also need to give yourself some space to feel your feelings. I'm not saying you should crawl into bed for the next 6 months and sob, but understanding intellectually that someone is not right for you/the relationship is over is different from feeling so emotionally. That is completely normal. You need some time to grieve the two years you were together, and move on. Discounting your feelings won't work for very long, I promise. On preview, I agree with Ghostride the Whip.
posted by dysh at 9:06 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Honey, you've been broken up for three weeks. It is going to take months, if not a year, to feel better. It just takes time to get over relationships, especially if this is the first one where you've really been in love. (Is it?)
posted by DarlingBri at 9:06 AM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Realizing that you've been pretty profoundly disrespected is, in my experience, one of the hardest things to get through. I've had real horror shows of relationships that haven't hurt as much as realizing that a person you've loved was lacking in the respect for others department. Give yourself time; you're doing the right things.
posted by angrycat at 9:18 AM on June 24, 2012 [10 favorites]

I know what I need to do to move on from a break up, but why do I still feel depressed and upset about it?

It just sucks for a while. Sometimes you have to just let things suck until they stop sucking. You're not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you're doing everything right. It's just that doing everything right doesn't have an immediate payoff, it's more of a long term payoff, and more that things suck less than that things don't suck at all.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 9:33 AM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Feeling bad doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It's natural and actually really healthy given the timeframe & events you've described. It's going to stink for a while, and you're not going to notice that you're feeling less bad until you're feeling a whole heck of a lot less bad - some afternoon you're going to realize it's been two weeks since the last incredibly crappy day, and that'll be awesome, but you won't know when it's going to happen (and there's no schedule indicating when it's going to happen.)

Please just keep doing smart things and have patience with yourself.

(And let yourself sulk and cry for a day or two if that's what you have a strong inclination to do. There's no sin in mourning.)
posted by SMPA at 9:33 AM on June 24, 2012

It is so easy to think "I know it's for the best, I know I'm doing everything right to get over this... so why the hell aren't I over it already." Unfortunately it takes a long time for the heart to heal what the head can accept. Time. Time. Time.
posted by yellowbinder at 9:40 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you feel like you need to sulk and cry, just for a little bit, let yourself do that.

You can intellectually know you're better than this ending of this relationship. That doesn't mean you're emotionally all right.

And it's a terrible cliche, but time is really what you need here. Time, and no contact with her, and letting yourself cry once in a while. You'll move past this. Your heart will catch up with your head.
posted by RainyJay at 9:40 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well, you can't, unfortunately.

I, too, have found myself having very different responses to breakups, and it didn't make sense to me at the time - for example, grieving a short-term, bad relationship I no longer wanted, not being affected much by the slow fizzle out of a long-term romance. It helps to just accept that every relationship is different, and that you are a different person in each one. And to give yourself permission to cry and sulk and feel depressed and angry and all of that. You're not wallowing, this is part of the healing process. May not feel that way but you're doing pretty damn well.
posted by sm1tten at 9:49 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm going through the same thing. Logically/intellectually, I'm solid: I know he's not the one for me. Emotionally, it's been up and down. Like you, this one is hitting me harder than other break-ups. sm1tten's take on that is right. There's also a lack of respect element in my situation. He just doesn't have it in him to act respectfully toward me. It's been frustrating, enfuriating and mostly sad.

I wish I had some magic trick to share with you, but all the other posters are right about feeling your feelings and taking time. Exercise, work, friends, other interests = all good things.

And I hesitate to mention this, because it's not for everyone and it's not something you can necessarily "do" (it was a total fluke), but I met someone recently who expressed a lot of (flirting and sexual) interest in me. The attention did wonders for me. The fact that he's not relationship material and was really upfront about that made it easy for me to take it for what it was worth: a distraction, an ego boost, a reminder that there are other prospects out there, the ex isn't the only one I can have a connection with, etc. Not a long-term fix, but for now I'll take my relief where I can get it.

Anyway, it's been about 2 months since the break-up. The first month was awful: I cried a lot and felt sad all the time, with pinpoints of feeling ok. I think I'm slowly getting to feeling ok, with pinpoints of feeling sad. I wish you the best.
posted by Majorita at 10:36 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Instead of trying to deny yourself these emotions and fighting them off, only to have them keep coming back, you should allow yourself to give into them for a period of time - an hour or two if necessary, and then dialling it back as time goes on and you get fed up with yourself for still being upset. Accepting that you feel a certain way helps a lot in turning it from an emotional, uncontrollable response into something you can examine with rationality.

It's also ok to accept that you did have some good times together, even if overall you know it wasn't a good relationship. Don't beat yourself up by feeling like the whole 2 years was a lie. That causes a lot of mental anguish too.
posted by lizbunny at 11:08 AM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

One more thing: whenever I catch myself dwelling on a good thing from the relationship, a little moment that makes me catch my breath and actually feel a painful twinge, I force myself to dig up a not-so-good memory of him. There are plenty of both, but my tendency is to just remember the good and dwell on what I'm missing, instead of the bad things that I'm happy to be rid of. Hope this helps.
posted by Majorita at 11:21 AM on June 24, 2012

I had something similar happen to me and it took, oh, the better part of two years for me to feel okay again. When you've been disrespected like you have, you have to deal with the loss of control you feel over your own life. You didn't see this coming and you couldn't convince her to respect or value the relationship. That's a lot to take in and understand. Feeling better both is and isn't as simple as concluding "I know mentally that I was not respected in the relationship and I don't want that person anymore". Those are broad statements that bear further inspection before you can truly accept them as a reality and a part of your new life. Can you answer questions like, "Why didn't she fight for or respect the relationship? Does it matter why she didn't?" or "Why did I choose a person like this?" or "How do I keep this from happening again? Can I?" or even "Why don't I want her anymore?"? Some of those questions can't be answered until you've had enough time to view the relationship more objectively; i.e. when you can think of her without pain. And that's why it always takes a long time; there's nothing you can do to get those answers besides living your life. Three weeks isn't enough time for people to adjust to life changes they welcome, like a new baby or a new job. You're facing down a life change you decidedly did not want. I would be surprised if you weren't still confused and upset.

Also, on the subject of "sulking": When someone unintentionally drops a brick on your foot, sometimes it's better just to scream "OW THAT FUCKING HURTS" than it is to pretend that everything's cool because hey shit happens. I mean, yes, shit happens, but I find that screaming and cursing helps me get over it a lot faster. You just got dumped in a bad way. If you want to sulk, whine, listen to sad music, set all the mixtapes she made you on fire, whatever, do it. This is your time to limp around screaming and whimpering while clutching your foot. There will be a point later when people will ask you why you aren't over it yet, because come on, it's just a foot, but not right now. Right now all of your friends are pretty much going to give you a free pass for being upset, so you might as well take advantage of that time and be upset.
posted by rhythm and booze at 11:42 AM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Doing all the right things is like disinfecting the wounds and putting a cast on the broken arm, but the emotional pain is like the broken arm itself, except that it may well take longer to heal than an arm would.
posted by salvia at 12:18 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

I dated my GF for 2 years ...
we lived together during the final 6 months ...
thought we had the best relationship ever ...
This was about 3 weeks ago ...

It will take much more time to redirect your heart to a life without her, sadly. Three to six months from now it may be down to a stable and tolerable ache. A year or two, just a tingle in the past. But you have to live every day between now and then, and right now you just had "the best relationship ever" -- i.e. a relationship you were experiencing in its honeymoon phase, that you weren't even able to see the creeping flaws in -- pulled from under you. That's acutely painful. Go easy on yourself, and keep doing what you're doing.

In the meantime, keep two journals. The one where you gnash your teeth in pain and sorrow, and the one where you write down any non-miserable, fresh-feeling experiences and emotions that peek through the clouds from time to time, as your new life path opens up before you. Eventually you will find yourself writing more in the latter than the former.
posted by ead at 8:56 AM on June 25, 2012

I've been having a hard time getting over a breakup too. Also about a 2 year relationship that I didn't want to end. I'm about 4 months in, and it's only recently, like in the last few weeks, that the clouds have begun to clear, and even now it's moments where I feel better and a lot of time when I still feel like crap.

Like other's have said, you just had something really shitty happen to you, so it's totally normally to feel down and terrible about it right now. It would be weird if you didn't.

Some of the best advice I've gotten in going through all of this has been to think about the way you're feeling now as you might think about the way you feel when you have the flu or some other illness that makes you feel terrible. I know for me at least, when I have the flu, and I feel really nauseous, even though intellectually I know that at some point I'll get over the flu and stop feeling terrible, while I actually have the flu its such an overwhelmingly terrible feeling that it's hard for me to wrap my head the notion that at some point, I'll actually feel better and be fine again. I think breakups work in a similar way. Just like the flu, something has happened to you that you need time to heal from, and you will heal, but it will take time and between now and when you actually do feel better it is going to suck sometimes.

Another thing that has helped me is to read other peoples' accounts of how terrible they feel after a breakup, because I find the same things that I'm feeling and thinking popping up again and again in other peoples stories. For example, feeling hopeless, feeling numb, feeling like you'll never meet someone who will be able to replace her, etc, etc. It's helped me to realize that yes, it is sad that this thing happened, but the way I am reacting to it is just a natural thing that happens to lots of people, and almost everyone gets better eventually with time.

Definitely do the standard things to get better, exercise, be social, try new things, eat right, get sleep, those will all help. But also realize that this is going to take time, and that's ok, and that someday you will be better again. Good luck.
posted by tokaidanshi at 1:47 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

Break ups do blow. My break up hangover cure (well, there is no cure, but the best I've managed to come up with):

1. Writing things down. For relationships where I was mistreated, I wrote down all the specific instances of mistreatment and I wrote them down very bluntly and specifically (i.e., you told me you would x, then you did y, even though I told how much it meant to me, and then you didn't even care that I was hurt -- or whatever situation it may be). It works wonders to make that list, keep adding to it, and then when you think fondly of the person, to read over that list. When you get tempted to text or call, look at the list.

2. Don't blame yourself. Go to counseling if you can. It was good to have an expert basically tell me that I would be okay and give me perspective and confirmation on what was wrong.

3. Talk to close friends and family about it.

4. Meet new women if you can. Not necessarily as rebound but more as a NSA fling, maybe even nothing physical, just a little emotional boost. Just the attention or a cute smile from another woman can give you a nice boost of happiness.

5. Also, before you met this last girl, you probably never expected to have what you did. It stands to reason that the unknowable future will have unexpected pleasant surprises as well.

6. Get involved with a religious organization, if that's your thing. Or join a social club, kickball team for example. A jogging group. Start a long term project -- i.e., hiking part of the Appalachian and so you spend hours researching gear and trails.

Best of luck. And I know it sounds impossible, but you will get through this.
posted by yeahyeahyeah at 7:08 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]