Help me be less insecure
June 23, 2012 9:35 PM Subscribe
Insecure as hell. Hope me
posted by 3491again to Human Relations (33 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
I'm in a fairly new long-term relationship with a guy nine years younger than me. He's gorgeous, brilliant, sexually dominant, an entrepreneur and scientist, loving and wonderful -- basically perfect. Also, he's just a fantastic person. He loves to build community, I love his friends, and I love his amazing family.
I'm also insecure as hell because I know he can do a lot better than me. I'm older, I struggle with depression and anxiety, I'm not close with my parents (history of abuse), and I could be in much better shape. I'm getting my PhD; he's already got one, and in a more interesting field. I'm starting a company; his has already gotten funding.
He has low self-esteem because he has really severe ADD and grew up with learning disabilities and is a bit overweight -- but OMG, he's so amazing. I'm afraid he's going to figure this out and dump me.
I think this insecurity actually makes me *less* fun to be around, because I'm afraid to be myself around him. I get really insecure sometimes. I get on his case when he's inconsiderate and sometimes overreact.
He says he wants to marry me; he's been in love with me since a week after we met; he wants to have children with me. Over the past couple of months he has gotten what he calls "baby fever" and thinks a lot about getting married and having children with me. (I've always been ambivalent on the issue of children, only wanting them if I met the right partner, etc.)
I want this to work so incredibly badly. I am as sweet and fun to be around as I can be. His friends really like me and tell him not to "screw it up". I cuddle and hug and am affectionate. I'm conscious of trying to add value to his life, every day, and in every way I can.
Problems we have: We're not as emotionally intimate as I'd like -- our conversations seem to fall flat a lot of the time. His ADD can be very challenging -- he gets distracted really easily and talks over people and has a lot of social anxiety. Our communication is not as good as I'd like and we don't seem to be able to negotiate as well with each other as we each can with others.
- How do I think about this so that I don't get these ridiculous panic attacks at the thought of losing him?
- How can I be myself more around him and not so afraid that I'll lose him?
- How can I communicate better with him and build emotional intimacy?
- How can I make plans that will build emotional intimacy between us?
Talk me down from the ledge, Mefites!