For the first time in my life, I feel confident enough to start dating. Thing is, my life situation isn't great at the moment, but should hopefully be better in the next 3-6 months. Should I actually start, or hold off?
posted by anonymous to human relations (23 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
First, the bad things: I'm a 27 year old male virgin. I live with my dad in a disaster mess of a house. I'm about a hundred pounds overweight. I've never even so much as kissed a girl. In short: stereotypical basement nerd. For a long time, I've just been blindly moving forward in my rut, doing a (frankly) mediocre job of running a small web consultancy, playing video games, thinking woefully about myself, and pretty much sticking to my not-particularly-outgoing routine.
However, fueled by a gradual series of realizations and positive experiences, I've finally started to break out of the above. I've lost 40 pounds and am committed to slimming down. I've made plans to phase out the business and take a position with one of my clients within the next several months, improving my money situation to the point I can move out. Most importantly, I believe I have a much more positive attitude about myself and what I have to offer: I've traveled a lot, I've had an unconventional upbringing that gives me a unique perspective, I'm good at conversing with people, and overall I am a positive, helpful person. (Always have been. Just not always towards myself.)
But, still, I know I have a lot of work ahead of me on improving myself. There's a manageable but significant amount of debt I need to pay off, some minor but important health and style issues that need to be addressed, and I really don't know if I can comfortably bring anyone back to this house without some major work. (Not to mention just being kind of embarrassed about never having moved out in 27 years, y'know?)
So, herein lies the question.
As mentioned, I have never been in a relationship before - indeed, I've never had sex or even so much as kissed someone. But for the first time I think I have enough self-confidence to actually start dating, to handle potential rejection, and not to go completely head-over-heels with the first woman who lets me into her bed.
I want to make it clear that this isn't about wanting desperately to be loved or fulfilling some internal need I think I have. I'm just bored with not having dated for so long, excited to be feeling so much better about myself, and really just wanting to finally get out there and meet people. Even if I have some failures, I think I'd really be satisfied to just have the experience. And if a relationship works out on any level, someone to talk to about some of the things I've been going through would be great; while I have good friends and I do talk some about this stuff, none of them are on a level where I talk too much about what I've been going through. (I've had such close friends in the past, though we drifted apart during long periods of travel.)
I actually already started dabbling. I set up a profile on OKCupid, messaged a few girls, received responses, and event went on one first date. That actually went really well, though we wound up not having a second date due to circumstances on her part.
Despite that, I've been having some second thoughts. Not in a "OMG I suck" kind of way - like I said, I'm actually really confident about my future prospects right now, and I'm genuinely eager to get out there. But if my situation isn't going to improve dramatically for another few months, and for now I have this list of things that are traditionally turn-offs… is it better to hold off until I've laid more groundwork and actually have more concrete to show about myself? Or am I making too many assumptions about what others might think - should I just get out there, let people see who I am, and let the chips fall where they may?
Part of me thinks the "wait" side is just self-doubt coming out to show itself again. And part of me thinks the "get out there" side is just being impatient, and that I'd have a much better chance with women that interest me if I weren't still living with family in a messy house while closing a business.
I realize there may not be a "right answer" here, but I feel like I've gone around in circles in my head in the past week! Any additional opinions folks can offer here would be really helpful.
And, finally, apologies for the long-windedness… perhaps I'm being self-centered, but I felt like some of the details here might be important, and as an anonymous question, it's a bit harder to clarify.
Not sure if this is strictly necessary, but if anyone wants to get ahold of me, they can do so at firstname.lastname@example.org.