I'm sorry.
June 21, 2012 2:21 PM Subscribe
I'm a compulsive overapologizer. Help me stop.
I apologize about everything – making mistakes, being contrary, even bothering people when I interact with them. When I have to ask my coworkers a question, I feel like they think I'm the bane of their existence. I worry that I'm just inherently annoying, and that I should rather just let them do their own thing.
Maybe it’s that usually I’m annoyed when other people bother me, so I can’t help but assume that they must be annoyed when I interact with them. But my apologies are probably even more irritating than my regular behavior. I even find myself apologizing about how much I apologize, and then apologizing about that.
Compulsive overapologizers – how do I fix myself? I've been given advice, but I find it hard to follow for very long. It never makes me feel like I shouldn't be sorry, so I revert to apologizing after not-very-long.
I apologize about everything – making mistakes, being contrary, even bothering people when I interact with them. When I have to ask my coworkers a question, I feel like they think I'm the bane of their existence. I worry that I'm just inherently annoying, and that I should rather just let them do their own thing.
Maybe it’s that usually I’m annoyed when other people bother me, so I can’t help but assume that they must be annoyed when I interact with them. But my apologies are probably even more irritating than my regular behavior. I even find myself apologizing about how much I apologize, and then apologizing about that.
Compulsive overapologizers – how do I fix myself? I've been given advice, but I find it hard to follow for very long. It never makes me feel like I shouldn't be sorry, so I revert to apologizing after not-very-long.
I started saying thank you instead of apologizing.
"Thanks for your patience, that was very helpful!"
"Thanks, that makes a lot more sense now."
"Thanks, totally being obtuse there."
posted by rhythm and booze at 2:29 PM on June 21, 2012 [36 favorites]
"Thanks for your patience, that was very helpful!"
"Thanks, that makes a lot more sense now."
"Thanks, totally being obtuse there."
posted by rhythm and booze at 2:29 PM on June 21, 2012 [36 favorites]
Just don't do it. Practice a script. Need to ask your co-worker a question, practice this script:
This is one of those "fake it till you make it" type things. Be friendly but not apologetic, move on. Imagine yourself as a very professional, well-respected person like a professor or an executive with lots of responsibility before you go into one of these scenarios. And anytime you start pondering your self-worth, just tell yourself to knock it off. In time, this will all get easier. But you just have to practice.
posted by amanda at 2:29 PM on June 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Hey, Bob -- I was wondering if you had time to look at that TPS report? ... No, not really a rush, yet, but I need your feedback before I can move on. When do you think you might have a chance? ... Yeah, that sounds fine, I'll check back with you end of day tomorrow. Thanks! [exit stage right]Make up a script and follow it. Axe any apologies from your script. Plan your entrance and exit strategy. I sometimes think I throw in an apology because the person makes me nervous or because I haven't planned a good exit.
This is one of those "fake it till you make it" type things. Be friendly but not apologetic, move on. Imagine yourself as a very professional, well-respected person like a professor or an executive with lots of responsibility before you go into one of these scenarios. And anytime you start pondering your self-worth, just tell yourself to knock it off. In time, this will all get easier. But you just have to practice.
posted by amanda at 2:29 PM on June 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
You didn't apologize for making this post, so you're not compulsive. You're just in the habit of doing it. I used to be the same way, only I'd do what I called "giving people an out", where I'd (for example) make plans with someone, then say "and if you don't really feel like going through with our plans, that's fine, just let me know." Took me a long time (and some helpful feedback) to realize that my behavior resulted in people assuming I wanted them to back out. Realizing it wasn't enough, though; I had to get out of the habit, too. That took longer.
The funny thing is, I still feel like I should give people an out...but I trust the people who said "knock it off", and I trust that if I should revert to my old behavior, they'll guide me. And that helps. So was it a person who told you to stop apologizing? Great! Just check in with them once in a while to say "hey, here are a few things I didn't apologize for, can you validate that I haven't swung too far in the other direction?" and over time, their input will help you readjust.
To that end, allow me to say: if you really feel that you are just inherently annoying, and nobody has actually taken the time to tell you that you're inherently annoying, then you aren't actually inherently annoying. Just...pretend that you're not, until/unless someone specifically tells you that you are, and then you can analyze that for truth.
posted by davejay at 2:30 PM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
The funny thing is, I still feel like I should give people an out...but I trust the people who said "knock it off", and I trust that if I should revert to my old behavior, they'll guide me. And that helps. So was it a person who told you to stop apologizing? Great! Just check in with them once in a while to say "hey, here are a few things I didn't apologize for, can you validate that I haven't swung too far in the other direction?" and over time, their input will help you readjust.
To that end, allow me to say: if you really feel that you are just inherently annoying, and nobody has actually taken the time to tell you that you're inherently annoying, then you aren't actually inherently annoying. Just...pretend that you're not, until/unless someone specifically tells you that you are, and then you can analyze that for truth.
posted by davejay at 2:30 PM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I've had a problem with this my whole life. Used to be MUCH much worse, and I still catch myself doing it from time to time. a couple things helped me:
1. The harder approach: notice when it's popping up in your head, making an effort not to say it, no matter how much it seems necessary (unless you've done something fucked up and need to make an actual apology, in which case see below.)
2. The hard approach: Recognizing when a feeling in your head is about to lead to an unnecessary apology. See, what's probably happening is before you even enter the conversation you're already thinking "he/she probably doesn't want to be bothered but I need to talk to them" or "this is a sensitive topic and therefore I really don't want to..." etc... Now, being mindful of other people is great! good on you for it! but even in less-than-ideal situations, what you're doing is still ok and doesn't merit an apology. So you have to train yourself to recognize when someone very well may not want to be bothered but it's necessary and they know that and you're both competent adults. saying "sorry to bother you but" can be fine, but doing it constantly is unnecessary. Everyone can be annoyed by an interruption, but interruptions are a part of life. Nobody expects an apology all the time when work has to get done. Do the work, and reasonable people will understand. Unreasonable people are being unreasonable and don't merit an apology.
3. recognize that innocent mistakes don't necessarily need an apology. If you say something that's incorrect, most of the time acknowledging it is enough without being overly apologetic about it. saying "ah, you're right." is enough. "ah, you're right. sorry about that, I don't know what I was thinking" makes the conversation about you instead of acknowledging the facts and moving on.
4. the most important part: apologies, when they're deserved, are an important thing that requires its own time to address. if you do something really fucked up, then you take the coworker aside and say "hey, i want to apologize about [REALLY FUCKED UP THING]." if it's not that level of important, then it's not something worth apologizing about. you can simply go about your day, and everyone involved WILL forget about it, if they even noticed it to begin with.
and that's the major thing: no matter how annoyed you are by interruptions, i guarantee you that after they're over you forget about them. how many interruptions from the past week can you distinctly remember and actually still care about? zero? close to zero? then everyone else is the same way if not considerably more easy-going about it. always remember that. you're not a problem for your coworkers if you're just doing your job. so don't act like you are by apologizing.
hope this helps!
posted by shmegegge at 3:08 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
1. The harder approach: notice when it's popping up in your head, making an effort not to say it, no matter how much it seems necessary (unless you've done something fucked up and need to make an actual apology, in which case see below.)
2. The hard approach: Recognizing when a feeling in your head is about to lead to an unnecessary apology. See, what's probably happening is before you even enter the conversation you're already thinking "he/she probably doesn't want to be bothered but I need to talk to them" or "this is a sensitive topic and therefore I really don't want to..." etc... Now, being mindful of other people is great! good on you for it! but even in less-than-ideal situations, what you're doing is still ok and doesn't merit an apology. So you have to train yourself to recognize when someone very well may not want to be bothered but it's necessary and they know that and you're both competent adults. saying "sorry to bother you but" can be fine, but doing it constantly is unnecessary. Everyone can be annoyed by an interruption, but interruptions are a part of life. Nobody expects an apology all the time when work has to get done. Do the work, and reasonable people will understand. Unreasonable people are being unreasonable and don't merit an apology.
3. recognize that innocent mistakes don't necessarily need an apology. If you say something that's incorrect, most of the time acknowledging it is enough without being overly apologetic about it. saying "ah, you're right." is enough. "ah, you're right. sorry about that, I don't know what I was thinking" makes the conversation about you instead of acknowledging the facts and moving on.
4. the most important part: apologies, when they're deserved, are an important thing that requires its own time to address. if you do something really fucked up, then you take the coworker aside and say "hey, i want to apologize about [REALLY FUCKED UP THING]." if it's not that level of important, then it's not something worth apologizing about. you can simply go about your day, and everyone involved WILL forget about it, if they even noticed it to begin with.
and that's the major thing: no matter how annoyed you are by interruptions, i guarantee you that after they're over you forget about them. how many interruptions from the past week can you distinctly remember and actually still care about? zero? close to zero? then everyone else is the same way if not considerably more easy-going about it. always remember that. you're not a problem for your coworkers if you're just doing your job. so don't act like you are by apologizing.
hope this helps!
posted by shmegegge at 3:08 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd add, tell your friends that this is a thing you're working on and ask them to call you on it. If it's a deeply-ingrained habit, you may not even notice it some of the time. (And make sure you're not responding to their callouts with "I'm sorry." "Thanks" is a good idea instead.)
posted by restless_nomad at 3:31 PM on June 21, 2012
posted by restless_nomad at 3:31 PM on June 21, 2012
Watch the movie "Panic" (2000) with William H. Macy. His girlfriend is annoyed by his unnecessary apologizing and finds an effective treatment for it: She slaps his face hard and yells "Stop it!" It's a little gem of a movie, and the scene is well worth keeping in mind when you're interacting with someone. (Of course, you could also ask a close friend to do this to you.) There's also therapy to find the reason you're over-apologetic. It could be the symptom of something worth exploring, to improve the quality of the rest of your life.
posted by exphysicist345 at 5:41 PM on June 21, 2012
posted by exphysicist345 at 5:41 PM on June 21, 2012
There was a great post or comment that someone on MeFi recently asked for help finding. It was a woman explaining that when she stopped apologizing or saying "thank you" in emails, people took her more seriously. If someone can link to it (I spent an hour fruitlessly looking), read that. It made me try apologizing less while looking for evidence of the same thing. As I apologized less, it did seem to me that both I and they felt more comfortable.
posted by salvia at 12:35 AM on June 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 12:35 AM on June 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I may be the exception, but I think apologies benefit the giver more than the receiver. "I'm sorry" doesn't necessarily change anything, and as often as not, ends with the emphasis on making the apologizer feel better about whatever happened.
I find it much more useful when someone -
1) Acknowledges what went wrong
2) Figures out what - if anything* - can be done to improve the situation, and
3) Actually does those things instead of offering empty words
Thinking 'what can I do' instead of 'how do I feel' might help you better sort apology-level stuff from guilt overload, and find you apologizing for being sorry less often. And be kind to yourself in the process, it's not easy work.
*Sometimes nothing can be done and your only recourse is a true heartfelt apology. With any luck, those times will be few and far between.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:56 AM on June 22, 2012
I find it much more useful when someone -
1) Acknowledges what went wrong
2) Figures out what - if anything* - can be done to improve the situation, and
3) Actually does those things instead of offering empty words
Thinking 'what can I do' instead of 'how do I feel' might help you better sort apology-level stuff from guilt overload, and find you apologizing for being sorry less often. And be kind to yourself in the process, it's not easy work.
*Sometimes nothing can be done and your only recourse is a true heartfelt apology. With any luck, those times will be few and far between.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:56 AM on June 22, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't think one or the other alone would have worked. I apologized constantly because I felt like everyone hated me so I had to address the abuse which caused me to feel that way. But it had also become a bad habit. That piece of it was helped by remembering that others found it annoying and reminding myself to not annoy people that way.
posted by Michele in California at 2:28 PM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]