What can you do for an acquaintance in ICU?
June 20, 2012 9:14 AM Subscribe
What can you do for an acquaintance in ICU?
An acquaintance has been admitted into ICU following a bad accident. I called the hospital, and that particular wing does not allow one to send flowers or cards. I'd like to do something to help the patient and partner, because they're both lovely people, but I don't feel comfortable visiting because I don't know either of them too well and feel like it may be an imposition during an already-stressful time.
Is there anything I can do? Should I wait until transfer to a regular ward before doing something?
Is it weird or creepy to send flowers (I was actually thinking of sending a terrarium) to someone you don't know that well? Admittedly, the patient is better friends with my partner, so the flowers be from both of us.
An acquaintance has been admitted into ICU following a bad accident. I called the hospital, and that particular wing does not allow one to send flowers or cards. I'd like to do something to help the patient and partner, because they're both lovely people, but I don't feel comfortable visiting because I don't know either of them too well and feel like it may be an imposition during an already-stressful time.
Is there anything I can do? Should I wait until transfer to a regular ward before doing something?
Is it weird or creepy to send flowers (I was actually thinking of sending a terrarium) to someone you don't know that well? Admittedly, the patient is better friends with my partner, so the flowers be from both of us.
Put together or order some healthy snacks and/or an easily reheatable meal(s) that can be delivered to their home. Having a loved one in hospital is exhausting and take out food doesn't help matters. Bagels & cream cheese; microwaveable soups
A card to the patient can wait until after s/he has transferred to another unit
Support from acquaintances would have been welcome the time we were in a similar position.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 9:30 AM on June 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
A card to the patient can wait until after s/he has transferred to another unit
Support from acquaintances would have been welcome the time we were in a similar position.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 9:30 AM on June 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would send a card and/or the terrarium when they're on the regular wards. I would also send an email or snail mail to the partner now expressing your support and concern and asking if there is anything you can do to help (feed the cats or whatever).
Kindness isn't creepy unless it's intrusive. You sound like you're being attentive to not being intrusive.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:30 AM on June 20, 2012
Kindness isn't creepy unless it's intrusive. You sound like you're being attentive to not being intrusive.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:30 AM on June 20, 2012
Best answer: As Coobeastie said, there's not a lot you can do for the patient at this time. Though by all means send a card that once patient is conscious, they can read and appreciate. A terrarium or anything that requires care is not a good idea, since neither patient nor partner need another "thing that must be cared for" at this time.
The one time I was hospitalized, I wasn't in the ICU but I was in an isolation room due to neutropenia and flowers and food were not allowed (though cards and balloons were).
Concentrate on helping the partner and family. If you are in a position to offer hands-on help, don't ask "what can I do?" but say, "Do you need someone to feed the pets while you're at the hospital all day?" "Do you need the lawn mowed?" "Do you need meal delivery or a casserole?" If partner is preoccupied with the patient's needs, practical hands-on help with daily tasks is a godsend.
If you cannot offer practical help to the partner, send them a card with "Thinking of you." Just knowing that people ARE thinking of you is a wonderful thing.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:35 AM on June 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
The one time I was hospitalized, I wasn't in the ICU but I was in an isolation room due to neutropenia and flowers and food were not allowed (though cards and balloons were).
Concentrate on helping the partner and family. If you are in a position to offer hands-on help, don't ask "what can I do?" but say, "Do you need someone to feed the pets while you're at the hospital all day?" "Do you need the lawn mowed?" "Do you need meal delivery or a casserole?" If partner is preoccupied with the patient's needs, practical hands-on help with daily tasks is a godsend.
If you cannot offer practical help to the partner, send them a card with "Thinking of you." Just knowing that people ARE thinking of you is a wonderful thing.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:35 AM on June 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Hit enter too soon: the reason to couch offers for help in practical "I can do this for you" terms is that "What can I do to help?" is so vague, and it can be so hard for a person under stress to sit and think and figure out what they need. Helpers do better when they make a specific offer, such as meal delivery or pet care. That takes the onus of figuring things out off the stressed partner or family.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:37 AM on June 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:37 AM on June 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
For a friend in the hospital, the thing I've sent that their family most appreciated was a gas card enclosed in a "Thinking of you" card.
posted by hmo at 9:48 AM on June 20, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by hmo at 9:48 AM on June 20, 2012 [5 favorites]
Don't burden their partner with stuff - ICU "rooms" often aren't actual rooms and don't have any storage or flat surfaces, plus it'll have to be moved around with your coworker.
Flowers and gifts are actually really problematic in hospitals. There's still not a lot of flat surfaces in a room, and yet the patient/family looks like an asshole if they don't display all the crap they get sent, even though that is the least important thing they should be dealing with at that time. I don't even understand why you'd stick them with something that required attention; they've got plenty to pay attention to already.
We all have a real primal urge to do something in the face of unexpected change; it is kind of you to want to act on it. Everyone they know feels the same way. If your partner has a legitimate means of providing help - like they have a key to their home and can run an errand - it can be offered now, otherwise it can wait for the longer haul to offer help. And that's fine - the offers tend to dry up right when they're actually needed, so wish them well now and help down the road when you can be more useful.
You cannot visit in the ICU. Once the person is in a regular room, you can send a card (can be taped to a wall, doesn't emit pollen or require water) and include a gift card for money if that feels appropriate to your relationship, but consider how incredibly exhausting visits are to the patient and weigh that against your actual usefulness in doing so.
(After several years of sick and dying grandparents, I do not visit sick people unless I am requested to do so by an authorized representative. It's honestly mean and counter-productive to healing. Under normal circumstances I would not get you out of bed, unwashed and half naked, and make you have a conversation with me while you piss into a bag and try not to catch the germs of my office's entire school-aged-child population, so why would I do that when you're sick? It's just voyeurism - justifiable if it's your beloved aunt or best friend, but it's still voyeurism.)
posted by Lyn Never at 9:58 AM on June 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Flowers and gifts are actually really problematic in hospitals. There's still not a lot of flat surfaces in a room, and yet the patient/family looks like an asshole if they don't display all the crap they get sent, even though that is the least important thing they should be dealing with at that time. I don't even understand why you'd stick them with something that required attention; they've got plenty to pay attention to already.
We all have a real primal urge to do something in the face of unexpected change; it is kind of you to want to act on it. Everyone they know feels the same way. If your partner has a legitimate means of providing help - like they have a key to their home and can run an errand - it can be offered now, otherwise it can wait for the longer haul to offer help. And that's fine - the offers tend to dry up right when they're actually needed, so wish them well now and help down the road when you can be more useful.
You cannot visit in the ICU. Once the person is in a regular room, you can send a card (can be taped to a wall, doesn't emit pollen or require water) and include a gift card for money if that feels appropriate to your relationship, but consider how incredibly exhausting visits are to the patient and weigh that against your actual usefulness in doing so.
(After several years of sick and dying grandparents, I do not visit sick people unless I am requested to do so by an authorized representative. It's honestly mean and counter-productive to healing. Under normal circumstances I would not get you out of bed, unwashed and half naked, and make you have a conversation with me while you piss into a bag and try not to catch the germs of my office's entire school-aged-child population, so why would I do that when you're sick? It's just voyeurism - justifiable if it's your beloved aunt or best friend, but it's still voyeurism.)
posted by Lyn Never at 9:58 AM on June 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Agree with suggestions on offering to help with pet care or yardwork. I bet they would love that.
One other idea of something to send to the partner is a book (maybe crossword or sudoku) or a Kindle gift card if they have a Kindle. There is a LOT of downtime and waiting time in a hospital.
If there is a food delivery website like GrubHub you could see if you could get a generic gift card for that. Hospital cafeteria food sucks.
Very nice of you to ask.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:58 AM on June 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
One other idea of something to send to the partner is a book (maybe crossword or sudoku) or a Kindle gift card if they have a Kindle. There is a LOT of downtime and waiting time in a hospital.
If there is a food delivery website like GrubHub you could see if you could get a generic gift card for that. Hospital cafeteria food sucks.
Very nice of you to ask.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:58 AM on June 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
Having dealt with some surprise hospital stays in the last decade, I agree that visiting the ICU is unlikely to work. Visiting the hospital room is OK -- hospitals are pretty boring and diversion is nice -- but keep the visit short unless you are urged to stay. 15 minutes is a pretty long time when you are on meds, after all. Expect that you may have to wait, the patient may be asleep when you arrive, and your visit may be interrupted by tests.
I am of the "bring nothing but good wishes" school. Moving all that stuff around is a pain, even when you have fully functioning limbs. If you know the patient well, maybe an appropriate magazine, which can be left behind would be nice, but I would suggest not sweating it, especially if the patient has been in a serious accident.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:38 AM on June 20, 2012
I am of the "bring nothing but good wishes" school. Moving all that stuff around is a pain, even when you have fully functioning limbs. If you know the patient well, maybe an appropriate magazine, which can be left behind would be nice, but I would suggest not sweating it, especially if the patient has been in a serious accident.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:38 AM on June 20, 2012
Get a gift card towards their parking and/or the hospital cafeteria. Or for a nearby restaurant or coffee shop. When my grandmother was in the ICU, my mom was spending close to $50/day on parking and meals, just for herself. It added up fast and horrible.
posted by KathrynT at 10:41 AM on June 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 10:41 AM on June 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
Nthing - small gifts of money are very much appreciated, or if there's something you know you can do (cut grass, tend pets, etc.) - ask if you can do that.
Visits work this way - if the patient is in ICU, you're really visiting the family. Sometimes they're kind of stuck in waiting areas all the time themselves. You just have to go to the hospital, look for them, and here's the key - be ready to leave at the first sign it's not a good time. There may be a doctor consultation in progress, or it may be a brief window of time they can see their family member in the room. Call ahead and find out if it's a good time, but don't be surprised or offended if they can't give a straight answer. If it's so far out of your way that it's not convenient to go in those circumstances, don't go.
My hospital experiences are the birth of children to Mrs. RKS and one time when I was in an accident. We appreciated friends stopping by, but keeping it brief is key, and seeing the signs it's time to leave, rather than HANGING AROUND. I had one visitor who just kept trying to stay in my room to talk to me and my wife at a time when I was trying (unsuccessfully) to keep lunch down. Don't be that guy.
posted by randomkeystrike at 10:57 AM on June 20, 2012
Visits work this way - if the patient is in ICU, you're really visiting the family. Sometimes they're kind of stuck in waiting areas all the time themselves. You just have to go to the hospital, look for them, and here's the key - be ready to leave at the first sign it's not a good time. There may be a doctor consultation in progress, or it may be a brief window of time they can see their family member in the room. Call ahead and find out if it's a good time, but don't be surprised or offended if they can't give a straight answer. If it's so far out of your way that it's not convenient to go in those circumstances, don't go.
My hospital experiences are the birth of children to Mrs. RKS and one time when I was in an accident. We appreciated friends stopping by, but keeping it brief is key, and seeing the signs it's time to leave, rather than HANGING AROUND. I had one visitor who just kept trying to stay in my room to talk to me and my wife at a time when I was trying (unsuccessfully) to keep lunch down. Don't be that guy.
posted by randomkeystrike at 10:57 AM on June 20, 2012
Depending on the situation and your relationship to these people, this may or may not be feasible, but you could take the partner out for a meal or coffee.
Earlier this year, I spent a week sitting with my dad in the hospital (both in the ICU, which allowed visitors, coincidentally and in a regular room) and probably two of the best things that I did were to sit outside to have lunch one day and to have a cup of tea (still in the hospital) with a cousin I hadn't seen in 10 years. You probably have a closer connection to the partner than I do to that cousin, but having even the most random person to talk to is a godsend.
posted by hoyland at 12:07 PM on June 20, 2012
Earlier this year, I spent a week sitting with my dad in the hospital (both in the ICU, which allowed visitors, coincidentally and in a regular room) and probably two of the best things that I did were to sit outside to have lunch one day and to have a cup of tea (still in the hospital) with a cousin I hadn't seen in 10 years. You probably have a closer connection to the partner than I do to that cousin, but having even the most random person to talk to is a godsend.
posted by hoyland at 12:07 PM on June 20, 2012
I am a nurse and work in an ICU. My hospital does not have visiting hours - in other words, family and friends are allowed to visit at any time, day or night. We do occasionally ask them to step out if we're performing certain procedures (the rooms are quite small), but otherwise, they may be in the room at any time.
In our hospital, because there are no set visiting hours, it is very common for families to literally spend entire days in the waiting areas, often in shifts. They will come back to the room every hour or so to visit, then return to the waiting area. This means that family members may be in the waiting rooms for hours at a time.
As others have mentioned, when you have a friend in the ICU, the family needs your support arguably more than the patient does. Go to support them, not to see your friend. If the family has been spending hours at the hospital, do what you can to make their stay more comfortable. A small bag of individual snacks (fresh fruit would be a good inclusion), magazines (the ones in the waiting room are usually old and torn), crossword puzzle book, etc. would be thoughtful. Bring things that are easily portable and can be left behind or thrown away if unwanted/unused. Include a card to the family with your gift if you are so inclined. If you are invited to go back to visit the room, my suggestion would be to stay no more than a few minutes.
posted by pecanpies at 12:33 PM on June 20, 2012
In our hospital, because there are no set visiting hours, it is very common for families to literally spend entire days in the waiting areas, often in shifts. They will come back to the room every hour or so to visit, then return to the waiting area. This means that family members may be in the waiting rooms for hours at a time.
As others have mentioned, when you have a friend in the ICU, the family needs your support arguably more than the patient does. Go to support them, not to see your friend. If the family has been spending hours at the hospital, do what you can to make their stay more comfortable. A small bag of individual snacks (fresh fruit would be a good inclusion), magazines (the ones in the waiting room are usually old and torn), crossword puzzle book, etc. would be thoughtful. Bring things that are easily portable and can be left behind or thrown away if unwanted/unused. Include a card to the family with your gift if you are so inclined. If you are invited to go back to visit the room, my suggestion would be to stay no more than a few minutes.
posted by pecanpies at 12:33 PM on June 20, 2012
Do you know the person that might be taking care of the caretaker in this situation? Often, the caretaker (the person's partner, it sounds like) has someone that can help them coordinate things like this. Get in touch with that person if you can and ask, concretely, what you can do to help.
Alternatively, stop by for a very very quick visit and ask the partner what you can do - have a suggestion or two, like someone said upthread. Tell them you'd like to feed their dog or have some dinner delivered, what time will they be home tomorrow night? Or offer to have food sent to the hospital. The partner has to eat, and helping them with food would really be great - much better than a terrarium or flowers, to be honest.
posted by k8lin at 12:34 PM on June 20, 2012
Alternatively, stop by for a very very quick visit and ask the partner what you can do - have a suggestion or two, like someone said upthread. Tell them you'd like to feed their dog or have some dinner delivered, what time will they be home tomorrow night? Or offer to have food sent to the hospital. The partner has to eat, and helping them with food would really be great - much better than a terrarium or flowers, to be honest.
posted by k8lin at 12:34 PM on June 20, 2012
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posted by Coobeastie at 9:27 AM on June 20, 2012 [2 favorites]