Rediscovering sex with a long-time partner

July 28, 2005 4:42 AM

I've lost interest in sex with my partner.

I'm female, he's male and we're in our late 20s. We've been together five years and our relationship initially started as a sex-thing, though we'd been friends for many years beforehand. Up until the past 1 1/2 years, the sex had been great -- frequent, stimulating, exciting. I'm not sure what changed. I still find him extremely physically attractive and logically sexually attractive, but my body doesn't respond. It's as if he went from being my lover to a very good friend, and I have trouble reconciling being sexual with this image.

This has happened to me before in past relationships -- after a certain period of time, I seem to lose interest in the person sexually, though my interest in sex, in general, stays strong. This is starting to form a divide in our relationship -- he still desires me sexually and is understandably hurt when I don't reciprocate. I feel terrible. Every other aspect of our relationship is great, so I don't want this to be a deal-breaker. Does anyone have suggestions for "re-discovering" your spouse? We've tried the open relationship route and while it went fine for me, he's monogamous by nature and I'm willing to abide by that as my happiness with him outweighs these choices.

As a side, a lot of this, I've discovered, is difference in sexual style, as well -- he prefers to be submissive and I prefer to be dominated. I like things, uh, rough and hard (thank you, anonymous MeFi!), while he prefers slow and gentle most of the time. Is there anyway to make us be compatible again? We're both very sexual people and I'm so afraid of this pulling us apart down the line.

posted by anonymous to human relations (27 comments total)

Why Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You, the sidebar index especially, gave me a lot to think about as a woman about just what it is that extinguishes sexual desire in long-term relationships...I found it helpful, anyway.
posted by Jeanne at 5:48 AM on July 28, 2005

The problem with AskMe is that the follow up is hard.

Has he tried being more dominating, perhaps reading sex blogs and a book or two on it? It seems to me that there's an inequality in what type of sex is happening; he's getting the type he wants and you're being left out in the cold. Understandably, you're not getting what you want out of the situation, so how can you be expected to want to do it as often?

I think your partner needs to be more in tune with the type of sex you're looking for. It's the responsibility of both parties to make sure that sex is stimulating for both and it sounds like you've been making his sex life good without reciprocation.

Perhaps a sex counsellor might help bridge the gap.
posted by dflemingdotorg at 5:55 AM on July 28, 2005

Together for 5 years, with a friendship before that, leads me to guess that sex is (an important) part of a bigger whole. Is anything ticking you off with respect to other factors in the equation? Is that bleeding into your sexual attraction towards him? I'm thinking dishes pile up in the sink, he never gets it right about the toothpaste tube, or you are the only person walking the dog.

In the last month I started keeping an eight-item checklist of little things my wife cares about on an index card in my back pocket. Things like groceries (are we provisioned for the next few days), laundry (have we gone more than a week without washing it), exercise (has she had a chance to get any [exercise!]), the baby (is baby on schedule, ready for the next day), etc. When I'm on top of that list, she seems to want to be on top of me. It isn't a quid pro quo, which would be sort of irritating. Rather, it seems that doing a better job on a few things she cares about makes me more sexually interesting.
posted by 3rings at 7:25 AM on July 28, 2005

I'm assuming you've told him you like it "uh, rough and hard" (teehee), if not be sure to tell him. Does he really dislike being rough with you?

It sounds like he's dissapointed in your lower sex drive lately, tell him he needs to 'work for it' by being more dominating. Tell him you're not a machine and you need him to provide whatever 'cues' it takes for you to get turned on. He can't expect you to just get turned on immedieately whenver he feels like having boring sex.
posted by delmoi at 7:44 AM on July 28, 2005

Wow, Jeanne. Why Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You is powerful stuff. I wish I'd had access to that wisdom 25 years ago, it would have saved me decades of heartache.
Both you and your fella might find it helpful, anonymous.
posted by Floydd at 7:53 AM on July 28, 2005

I've read Why Your Wife in the past, as I found the writing interesting, but the sidebar stuff basically boils down to an amusing rant telling men how awful they are, and that women shouldn't have to contribute to relationships because it's oh-so-hard. While it's entirely possible that does indeed have more than a little bearing on just Why one's Wife Won't Have Sex, it's certainly stretching things to label it "wisdom."

"...after a certain period of time, I seem to lose interest in the person sexually..."

Familiarity appears to have bred contempt, in your case. And contempt is a serious libido-killer, the emotional equivalent of a neutron bomb. It's clear you recognize this as the source of a problem that could reach catastrophic proportions, so you're already on the first step to fixing it.

"Does anyone have suggestions for "re-discovering" your spouse?"

Break the habits of friendship. Don't discard the friendship itself, but stop treating him like your good buddy and think of him as your lover and spouse. Once you've compartmentalized your relationship with him and labeled it as friendly and free of sexual tension, nothing he can do will change your mind no matter how much he desires you.

You're attracted to the lad, so try seducing him -- the mere act of doing so might very well start rekindling your physical response.

Your preferences for sex obviously differ a bit from his, but he clearly still desires you and is disappointed by your non-response. Capitalize on that by enticing him to do things the way you like him; apply the "you'll catch more flies with honey" principle.

All the service journalism out there on this subject amounts to one thing: Start acting like you respect him enough to be physically intimate, and there's a certain possibility you'll find that you do!

If not, do the merciful thing and divorce him. Nobody deserves to be "trapped" in a sexless marriage merely because the other facets of the relationship are functional.
posted by majick at 8:26 AM on July 28, 2005

Great one 3rings!
posted by k8t at 8:29 AM on July 28, 2005

As a side, a lot of this, I've discovered, is difference in sexual style, as well -- he prefers to be submissive and I prefer to be dominated.

I don't think that's an aside; I think that may well be primary. A disconnect like that can easily kill sex drive. I don't think you two have much chance unless one of you can get in sync on this. If he just starts acting dominant and isn't really into it, you're going to have the same problem in the other direction in short order, so I don't think just telling him to butch up or not expect to get any would help.
posted by Zed_Lopez at 8:33 AM on July 28, 2005

i tend to agree with Zed_Lopez. it's a huge mood killer to want someone to act in a way sexually you know they don't get off on--dan savage says this all the time. i mean, are you being honest with yourself about whether that's a sexual dealbreaker? the other advice is good too--figuring out if he's
just your good and warmfuzzies buddy or your hot fuck and not suffering (either of you) pretending if he's not the latter, and that web site (count me in with Floydd; it's surprisingly insightful). i also like the point that sometimes it's little things that build up and keep you uninterested (love that "when i'm on top of things, she's on top of me;" cute and funny). it could be any of these things...only you can know. but personally, the whole "rough sex is what gets me hot and he's just not that kinda guy" is what sent the red flag up in reading your post. but i could just be projecting.
posted by ifjuly at 8:51 AM on July 28, 2005

I bow down and kiss 3rings' feet. Brilliant idea.

As for losing interest, meh, it happens. If life is otherwise grand, wait it out: you'll find your groove again. Talk about it, see a counsellor, agree to a frequency schedule, make time for it, etc.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:57 AM on July 28, 2005

The only solution is to have an open talk about it - that's all sex therapy is. How can anyone improve their sex lives if they don't communicate effectively with their partner?

Of course, sometimes discussing the finer points of kink is difficult. It sounds like you're a bit nervous or uncomfortable about sharing your desire for rough sex. Somehow, you've got to get over that. On the scale of fetishes, it doesn't even register.

I guess the key is to make it fun, and ensure that you reciprocate when it comes to addressing his needs.

I'm not an expert, of course, and am hardly the Lothario I'd like to be. But in my limited experience, talking openly about wants and fantasies leads to their fulfillment.
posted by aladfar at 9:11 AM on July 28, 2005

I have to say I think 3rings's idea, though delightfully charming, is totally off the mark in this instance.

Anonymous says she's not comfortable with him being like a "friend", that she prefers to be dominated and that she prefers sex "rough and hard".

Sexual chemistry wanes after a while and maybe not washing the dishes contributes to that - but the real reason is surely that you don't feel able to submit to him sexually... and he doesn't feel able to dominate you.

This is a shame because a dominant man and a submissive female can be a very powerful sexual combination - and one many find to be "the natural order of things" (cue sociopolitical debate...)
posted by skylar at 9:15 AM on July 28, 2005

This may be going way off the actual problem at hand, but I want to slightly disagree with skylar. With my ex, I had that same desire to be dominated in bed, and it was hard to feel like he was a big strong hot guy when I spent the day acting like his mom -- doing his dishes, picking up his clothes, asking him to help me with dinner, getting annoyed that he wasn't helping me with dinner, etc. When he stopped acting like an equal outside the bedroom, it was hard to see him as equal (or superior) inside the bedroom.
posted by occhiblu at 9:41 AM on July 28, 2005

I'm with Zed_Lopez too - dominance and submission are *incredibly* powerful roles, and not ones to be taken lightly. Have you talked to him about this - even though he prefers to be submissive, you can't always have your cake and eat it: and so too for you. You guys gotta switch it up a little.
posted by forallmankind at 9:42 AM on July 28, 2005

Not to quote Black Eyed Peas, but...

Where is the love?

Nowhere is there mention of love.
posted by achmorrison at 9:45 AM on July 28, 2005

As others mentioned, talking always helps. A couple other thoughts:

1. Sometimes you get caught in a rut in a relationship, for no good reason. Especially frustrating is when one partner has a mistaken perception of the other partner's desires (this has happened to me in more than one relationship), and they both get caught in counter-productive behaviors as a result. Can be solved by a lot of talking, although it's the kind of thing you generally don't get around to quickly because it is ingrained and not conscious.

2. Shake things up in bed. Make yourself uncomfortable. Make him uncomfortable. Or just do something out of character. See what happens.
posted by adamrice at 10:14 AM on July 28, 2005

Does he, uh, eat you? If not, you should make him. His slow and gentle style will probably work out well for this act. Also, buy some wrist and ankle restraints, good leather ones, not cheap velcro. Have him attach your wrists to your ankles while he is having his "box lunch". In this way, you will probably feel dominated without him actually having to do much. Of course, taking a shower might be a good idea to reduce the taste. Astroglide also has a slightly sweet taste and can help cover the taste of your box.
posted by darkness at 11:33 AM on July 28, 2005

Of course, taking a shower might be a good idea to reduce the taste. Astroglide also has a slightly sweet taste and can help cover the taste of your box.

Oh right, because vaginas are just naturally so yucky, and god knows no man could ever possibly enjoy tasting one au natural.
posted by scody at 11:42 AM on July 28, 2005

Oh! and go pick up Delta of Venus or Little Birds, both by Anais Nin, probably the best erotic fiction writer of all time. These books aren't your usual trash porn fiction, but real erotic fiction. They just might help both of you learn to be a bit more sexual (once you get over the '50s terms for anatomy)

Shameless self promotion: I while ago I wrote a little article on erotica vs porn, and at least I think it is interesting...
posted by darkness at 11:52 AM on July 28, 2005

Scody - Well, if I'm going to kiss someones mouth, it would be nice if the teeth had been brushed at least that day. By the same token, anywhere else I'm putting my mouth I would prefer to have more clean rather than more dirty. If you don't mind, great! I'm sure plenty of women enjoy your open-mindedness.
posted by darkness at 11:58 AM on July 28, 2005

darkness: no offence, but that is the worst MeFi answer I've ever read!
posted by forallmankind at 12:02 PM on July 28, 2005

ditto. that's also why i like savage--his comprehension, even as a gay man who admits he himself finds women icky, that it boggles his mind women put up with male sex partners who basically think their girlparts are innately gross and need fixing. why would you look forward to having sex with someone who thinks your sexparts are nasty? no thank you, not hot.

and dominance is an innately male thing? i wonder what all those dominatrixes raking in the dough make of that. but i don't mean to get too offtopic. just get irritated when people naturalize glibly and boringly...

i don't get those saying you should probably just be open to switching power roles. i know there are real honest to god switchers out there, but it seems like people who tend toward one or the other would have a hard time faking they enjoyed the other role. two subs together, if it matters a lot to them to be dominated sometimes, are going to have a hard time.
posted by ifjuly at 12:55 PM on July 28, 2005

Before we go off on a tangent, she never said she was married to the bloke, so "divorce him" doesn't make sense.

I'm tempted to go into how a "5 year relationship" doesn't equal the commitment of marriage, but I'll save that for people who actually care.

The obvious answer is, "tell him how you like it".

If you feel this will risk your relationship...well, there's another reason for marriage, or some other arrangement that provides the comfort of commitment...so you can discuss touchy things like this.
posted by catkins at 1:04 PM on July 28, 2005

I should point out that marriage was strongly implied by the use of the term "spouse" in the question.
posted by majick at 3:54 PM on July 28, 2005

Scody - Well, if I'm going to kiss someones mouth, it would be nice if the teeth had been brushed at least that day. By the same token, anywhere else I'm putting my mouth I would prefer to have more clean rather than more dirty. If you don't mind, great! I'm sure plenty of women enjoy your open-mindedness.

Actually, I'm a (primarily) straight woman, though I'm sure there are plenty of women who would appreciate my open-mindedness nevertheless. My point was simply that given that most of us do shower regularly (it usually happens around the same time as we brush our teeth), the vast majority of us (barring an actual vaginal infection) don't in fact need to do anything extra to make our "boxes" smell and taste "extra" nice.
posted by scody at 5:39 PM on July 28, 2005

I find it utterly infuriating that the default assumption is that women need a hygiene lesson from the internet. I don't see women on the scrotum-shaving thread yelling that men need to make sure and wash their junk if they want a blow job. These threads always devolve into creepy 'women's parts are gross' and I, for one, am over it.

Back to anonymous' question: What strikes me is that you have some significant differences you've been able to overcome with your partner until fairly recently. Overlooking differences in sexual style to the degree you describe and experimenting with an open relationship are pretty big hurdles for a couple to overcome, and you've done that successfully and stayed happily together.

I'd ask myself more closely what changed a year and a half ago when your body stopped responding - I strongly suggest that it's trying to tell you something.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:05 PM on July 28, 2005

Regarding the fact that both of you seem to be submissive... I'm not 100% convinced that this is truly the case with him. Wanting to take things "slow and gentle most of the time" might not necessarily indicate a submissive nature. It might just mean that he's trying to be respectful of you.

If you haven't had the "I like it rough and hard" conversation, you probably should. I'd recommend this book for both of you in that case. If he's just being polite as opposed to submissive, it might help him to realize that the type of sex you want to have can actually be very healthy. If you have had that conversation and he's said outright that he prefers the submissive role, you might try taking turns in that, um, position. Not ideal, but at least that way those needs are being met for both of you to some extent.
posted by the_bone at 11:20 PM on July 28, 2005