But baby - I've lost my mojo!

July 31, 2005 8:47 PM

MojoFilter: Help - I've lost my mojo! How do I get it back?

To cut a long story short, about 5 years ago I had this incredibly intense BDSM relationship which rather blew my mind. I foolishly thought I could recreate the relationship with my next GF, but even though she was pretty open minded, she didn't quite "get" it, so the BDSM fell away, and with it my sex drive, and finally the relationship. For my next GF, this time I'd come to terms with the idea that I'd never get anything close to what I had in the BDSM relationship, but again, my sex drive just diminished (which is also a real problem as it makes your lover very insecure) and again with it the relationship.

And since then, I've pretty much had no sex drive at all - so how do I get my mojo back? I live in LA, I have been to a Threshold Society orientation meeting, but I didn't join because my thing is not group displays of my sexuality - it's very very private to me.

And please, I will break down and cry if anyone writes that I shouldn't need subversive sexual practices to show how much I love someone - as Elvis said; never judge a man until you've walked in his shoes.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (8 comments total)

There's an astonishing number of BDSM-related chat sites, communities etc on the web. They vary hugely in style but many include people such as yourself who are interested in BDSM as part of a committed relationship or a private event, not as a exhibitionist activity for tarting around fetish clubs.

When you have some quirky, unusual aspect to your sexuality it's pretty hard to try to suppress it entirely, as you've discovered. I think it's a mistake to try. I think if you do try then what happens is the quirk becomes even more compelling to you. You need to be open about it and that isn't aleays easy. And certainly - also as you've discovered - it's never quite right if you're with a lover who - no matter how understanding and well-intentioned - isn't really into it themself. You can't help but feel that they're indulging you rather than truly sharing the experience. Maybe for the best reason - because they love you or find you attractive - but it still doesn't feel "right", does it? Part of the thrill of these things is the sense that the excitement is truly shared.

So, I'd recommend you give some of these web communities a shot. They can be tiresome: you can end up watching endlessly tedious people indulging in long, anal dissections and discussions of site protocol, "correct" site behaviour and "approved" modes of site interaction (sound familiar at all? :-)) but it is a way to interact with people who are far more likely to match your own particular orientation than some random person you meet at work or in a bar.
posted by Decani at 9:53 PM on July 31, 2005

If you like to bottom, it should be pretty easy to find a pro domme. If you top, paying a girl to let you abuse her is a little more taboo, but as long as it's all SSC, don't let that bother you. Maybe you should try advertising for a casual, no-strings-attached BDSM playmate. You're probably picking girlfriends based on more vanilla interests, like taste in movies and the like; the chances that the nice girl who likes Chinese food as much as you do also is going to happen to like flogging as much as you do are slim. You might want to try advertising for a girlfriend based on BDSM as well as other interests, but I think(unless by "private" you mean "intimate and only in a monogamous relationship ") you should try the no-strings-attached way first; it's kind of cruel to put the pressure on a girlfriend to revive your sex drive.
Also, I'm not really clear on why you lost your sex drive. It was because your last girlfriend wasn't into BDSM? That doesn't make perfect sense; you should probably be looking into other factors(stress/diet/depression/etc) that could be affecting you.
posted by Juliet Banana at 10:07 PM on July 31, 2005

"There's an astonishing number of BDSM-related chat sites, communities etc on the web"

Decani: Could you recommend any?
posted by slipperywhenwet at 10:07 PM on July 31, 2005

Have you tried bondage.com? I have a friend who uses it, though he often complains that they alter their... membership tiers needlessly.
posted by dobbs at 10:12 PM on July 31, 2005

Of the "social networking" sites, Tribe.net seems to have a lot of people on there that seem to have a healthy interest in BDSM who also live in the LA area. As far as other internet communities go, I have friends who have praised bondage.com and alt.com.

You may want to rethink joining an organization such as Threshold. Instead of looking at it as a way to publicly display your predilictions, think of it as a venue in which you can potentially meet someone whose interests dovetail with yours. There's nothing saying that you're required to play in public if you get involved with a group of that sort, and you'll have a much better chance of meeting a compatible girl through a BDSM organization than at some random bar. There seem to be a frillion fetish clubs in LA, and you might also try checking those out (again, with meeting a potential partner as the goal).

I've talked with friends who have dealt with similar issues. You can probably find a sympathetic ear through any of the online fora mentioned above, but if you want to email me I'm sure I can put you in touch with folks who have "been there" and would be willing to talk confidentially.
posted by the_bone at 12:18 AM on August 1, 2005

Threshold's website mentions that they hold a munch in addition to their play parties. Now, I don't know that group and I don't know what their munches are like, but you might consider going to one — and if it's not your style, you might look around for other munches in your area.

Some munches have a kinky feel to them. That is, they meet in a back room at a sex store, or at a gay bar, or people show up in leather gear, or the regulars have a bit of an exhibitionist streak and like to talk VERY LOUDLY about their sex lives. But some munches have a very casual, vanilla feel to them: they meet in a neighborhood restaurant, everyone wears street clothes, and the regulars are as likely to talk about movies or football as about sex. If you can find a good casual munch, you might find you feel more comfortable attending — and, like the_bone says, going to a munch is a great way to meet compatible kinky people.

(As a side note: No matter who you meet, you won't recapture the same BDSM dynamic you and your ex-girlfriend had. More likely, you'll find a different dynamic that's just as interesting. Keep that in mind as you're meeting and playing with people.)

Good luck! Enjoy your subversive sexual practice! Here's hoping you meet someone nice.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:51 AM on August 1, 2005

Mistress Matisse had a great piece in her blog about why you should keep going to the community get-togethers, even if there is stuff going on there that's not your thing.
posted by matildaben at 7:06 AM on August 1, 2005

slipperywhenwet: sorry for the delay - I've been away.

You could give this one a shot. They can get a bit anal, but there are some good people here.
posted by Decani at 6:21 PM on August 23, 2005