Love in the Time of Emergency
June 15, 2012 8:20 PM Subscribe
How can I gracefully accept being excluded from a family medical emergency? A recent surgery has brought up all sorts of family tensions. I'm doing the right things, but I still feel terrible, and need some guidance on handling my frustration, disappointment, and anger.
(Anonymous because it's a sensitive family matter. It's doubtful that they'll see this, but they know I like this site.)
A routine test turned into emergency surgery for my mother. Neither my sister nor my father notified me until 48 hours after the operation, and a full four days after the doctors told them she'd be on the table. The surgery is common, but serious, and there was a non-trivial risk of death. I am hurt, deeply, by my mother's stated preference to leave me out of the loop, by my family's complicity in this, and by the implication that she would have been OK with dying without having said goodbye to me or to her grandchildren.
When I found out, I called her and then went to visit her in the hospital, and have been talking to my dad and rounding up peer support for him. I told my sister that I understood that she was in a bind, and that on one hand I was angry with her for not telling me, but on the other that I understood that she was honoring our mother's explicit wish, and that I'd like to talk about this issue at a later, calmer time. I saw them both, and had a pleasant enough visit with them, given the hospital setting. I plan to touch base with my mother every few days throughout her recovery. So I think I've been doing the right things.
But I feel like shit. We are not a close family. I know that my mother is entitled to her privacy; she added that she didn't want me contacted because I am hard to get hold of (by phone? True. But I'm on email during waking hours, as is my father.). There is a history of her playing one daughter off against the other, and this choice feels like an extension of that sort of emotional punishment. I know I'm good in the clutch, and in hospital situations, and at being a good medical advocate, and I'm pretty sure I'm not a bad person. What can I tell myself to feel less unworthy?
Second, how do I have that conversation with my sister about her failure to disclose, given that I feel strongly that people are entitled to privacy in their decisions? I could have been trusted to play dumb (and could have helped her understand some of the medical stuff, as I am connected that way). And I think that life-and-death situations might warrant breaking privacy (yup, I'm a hypocrite in this matter). Our parents are getting older; how do my sister and I come to terms with information-sharing? Productive strategies for having this conversation with her?
Third...third is that this situation is happening in a broader context of distant and fraught parent-child relations. How do I have those very personal conversations with my parents about updating their wills, organ donation, etc., when it seems to me that they've rejected me in a situation where knowing about all of these things might have become necessary? My sister's located nearby--I'm not--but I have more experience with these matters.
Fourth, and finally: How the hell do I stop feeling like I deserved to be excluded? Like I was appropriately punished by this exclusion because I am a bad daughter? (Although one who has set healthy boundaries.) I love them all. I trust my sister. I have less trust in my parents. I don't want to walk away from this experience in bitterness and rejection, because it's a trial run for more complicated issues with aging parents.
Please help me get through this gracefully, with them, and with strength, inside my own heart and head. I'm hurting.
(Anonymous because it's a sensitive family matter. It's doubtful that they'll see this, but they know I like this site.)
A routine test turned into emergency surgery for my mother. Neither my sister nor my father notified me until 48 hours after the operation, and a full four days after the doctors told them she'd be on the table. The surgery is common, but serious, and there was a non-trivial risk of death. I am hurt, deeply, by my mother's stated preference to leave me out of the loop, by my family's complicity in this, and by the implication that she would have been OK with dying without having said goodbye to me or to her grandchildren.
When I found out, I called her and then went to visit her in the hospital, and have been talking to my dad and rounding up peer support for him. I told my sister that I understood that she was in a bind, and that on one hand I was angry with her for not telling me, but on the other that I understood that she was honoring our mother's explicit wish, and that I'd like to talk about this issue at a later, calmer time. I saw them both, and had a pleasant enough visit with them, given the hospital setting. I plan to touch base with my mother every few days throughout her recovery. So I think I've been doing the right things.
But I feel like shit. We are not a close family. I know that my mother is entitled to her privacy; she added that she didn't want me contacted because I am hard to get hold of (by phone? True. But I'm on email during waking hours, as is my father.). There is a history of her playing one daughter off against the other, and this choice feels like an extension of that sort of emotional punishment. I know I'm good in the clutch, and in hospital situations, and at being a good medical advocate, and I'm pretty sure I'm not a bad person. What can I tell myself to feel less unworthy?
Second, how do I have that conversation with my sister about her failure to disclose, given that I feel strongly that people are entitled to privacy in their decisions? I could have been trusted to play dumb (and could have helped her understand some of the medical stuff, as I am connected that way). And I think that life-and-death situations might warrant breaking privacy (yup, I'm a hypocrite in this matter). Our parents are getting older; how do my sister and I come to terms with information-sharing? Productive strategies for having this conversation with her?
Third...third is that this situation is happening in a broader context of distant and fraught parent-child relations. How do I have those very personal conversations with my parents about updating their wills, organ donation, etc., when it seems to me that they've rejected me in a situation where knowing about all of these things might have become necessary? My sister's located nearby--I'm not--but I have more experience with these matters.
Fourth, and finally: How the hell do I stop feeling like I deserved to be excluded? Like I was appropriately punished by this exclusion because I am a bad daughter? (Although one who has set healthy boundaries.) I love them all. I trust my sister. I have less trust in my parents. I don't want to walk away from this experience in bitterness and rejection, because it's a trial run for more complicated issues with aging parents.
Please help me get through this gracefully, with them, and with strength, inside my own heart and head. I'm hurting.
This sounds like an incredibly hard and painful situation, but it also sounds like you are doing everything right. Your mother, a woman with a history of playing you and your sister off of each other, has managed to do it again. Of course, everyone is entitled to face surgery and major health crises in a way that makes them most comfortable, but it does seem clear that your mother also took it as an opportunity to inflict pain on her children and let you know that your creation of healthy boundaries will be punished.
I'd be interested to know how your sister interprets what happened. Does she feel like she was unfairly put in the middle and used as a pawn to hurt you? Or, is she happy to be passively used in this way? At any rate, a conversation between you both when things have settled down is a great idea. Ask your sister what she thinks the way forward should look like. She may have some ideas of how to stay connected with you if something like this happens again.
Frankly, this sounds like a rotten thing to go through. And, it sounds like you've dealt with it as well as can be expected. While reading this, I got the distinct feeling that, while you were certainly a target, that so much of this dynamic is not about you, beyond you being the focus of punishment for having made the decision to distance yourself from toxic nonsense like this.
You are not a bad daughter and don't deserve this sort of treatment. It sounds like you have your own kids. When you're feeling badly about all of this, remember the family you've created and the fact that you have chosen to make this family of origin toxicity something that you won't pass down. Best of luck and a hug from an internet stranger.
posted by quince at 8:53 PM on June 15, 2012 [7 favorites]
I'd be interested to know how your sister interprets what happened. Does she feel like she was unfairly put in the middle and used as a pawn to hurt you? Or, is she happy to be passively used in this way? At any rate, a conversation between you both when things have settled down is a great idea. Ask your sister what she thinks the way forward should look like. She may have some ideas of how to stay connected with you if something like this happens again.
Frankly, this sounds like a rotten thing to go through. And, it sounds like you've dealt with it as well as can be expected. While reading this, I got the distinct feeling that, while you were certainly a target, that so much of this dynamic is not about you, beyond you being the focus of punishment for having made the decision to distance yourself from toxic nonsense like this.
You are not a bad daughter and don't deserve this sort of treatment. It sounds like you have your own kids. When you're feeling badly about all of this, remember the family you've created and the fact that you have chosen to make this family of origin toxicity something that you won't pass down. Best of luck and a hug from an internet stranger.
posted by quince at 8:53 PM on June 15, 2012 [7 favorites]
I think you'll just have to deal with her mind games. Your mom is being weird, but she's not obligated to tell anybody anything. It was her emergency. Maybe she was busy just coping with having an emergency and couldn't deal w/ more people around.
Whatever the case, you're an adult, she's an adult, and you should gracefully accept her decisions, even if they are unfair or unhelpful. You can only control how you react---you can't control how people decide to act towards you.
posted by discopolo at 9:27 PM on June 15, 2012
Whatever the case, you're an adult, she's an adult, and you should gracefully accept her decisions, even if they are unfair or unhelpful. You can only control how you react---you can't control how people decide to act towards you.
posted by discopolo at 9:27 PM on June 15, 2012
I think you should not discuss this with your sister. You mother put her in an impossible situation and it's not her fault. You know your mother does this so don't take it out on your sister, she probably felt bad enough about it at the time.
posted by fshgrl at 9:33 PM on June 15, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 9:33 PM on June 15, 2012 [6 favorites]
hmm... shades of my own family here - for the past 30 years, my mom and her sister have been working through similar stuff with my grandmother
I think, first, that you should focus on preserving your relationship with your sister. So please don't put her in a position where she feels guilty for doing what your parents ask, because as the "good kid" right now she's probably under enough pressure. Tell her you want to help, but that you don't expect her to break trust with your parents to keep you in the loop.
As for being an advocate and having experience... yeah. My mom is a nurse, but the rest of the family routinely ignores her expertise and abilities when they're making medical decisions. I have NO IDEA WHY - it makes no sense to me - but they seem threatened by her questions and input rather than viewing her as a potential resource. They get defensive fast, as though she's questioning a lot more than just the recent medical situation -- their ability to even make decisions, maybe, or decisions made in the past. For example: My grandmother has been known to snap "You just don't think we have good doctors down here, and we have WONDERFUL doctors" when my mom asks questions about care and diagnoses. I'm pretty sure that goes back to bad feelings over the grandparents' decision to move from my hometown to another state many years ago, despite my mom begging them not to (she was in the middle of a bad divorce and really wanted them to stay close). So my mom's input gets interpreted as a daughter's criticism, not a nurse's clinical interest. You are always the daughter first.
From reading your description of the most recent situation, I think the real question you have to answer and deal with is -- why doesn't your mom want you notified? What does she think will happen? What about your expected response makes her so uncomfortable? What does she want you to do instead? You might not like the answers you get, and I'm sure you will be right about the way things should be. But I think you have the choice for now of either being in the family loop or being right -- not both.
As far as end-of-life planning... hoo boy. Your parents are still your parents, which means they're still the grown-ups in charge. I wouldn't go there. Ask your sister if she knows whether or not there's a plan, and if she knows what the plan is. Don't ask her to share it if she can't, just tell her you'd feel better knowing they have things in order. If she says yes, they do -- then let it go.
And then stop letting your mom manipulate your emotions with this kind of crap. Keep doing what you've been doing (behaving like a reasonable adult), keep lines of communication open, and keep working on changing your behavior so that she doesn't get the reaction she expects when she yanks your chain. After many years of trying, my mom and her sister are finally NOT doing the old behavior patterns that used to mean they were always at odds. They've teamed up so that when one of them is The Bad Kid, the other one keeps an eye on mom. It's a lot less stressful for them both, and I can't remember the last time one of the sisters was giving the silent treatment to either the mom or the other sister. My grandmother has even mellowed. Progress is possible! It can be a long game, though, so hang in there.
Oh - and my mom got a lot out of The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.
posted by hms71 at 9:37 PM on June 15, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think, first, that you should focus on preserving your relationship with your sister. So please don't put her in a position where she feels guilty for doing what your parents ask, because as the "good kid" right now she's probably under enough pressure. Tell her you want to help, but that you don't expect her to break trust with your parents to keep you in the loop.
As for being an advocate and having experience... yeah. My mom is a nurse, but the rest of the family routinely ignores her expertise and abilities when they're making medical decisions. I have NO IDEA WHY - it makes no sense to me - but they seem threatened by her questions and input rather than viewing her as a potential resource. They get defensive fast, as though she's questioning a lot more than just the recent medical situation -- their ability to even make decisions, maybe, or decisions made in the past. For example: My grandmother has been known to snap "You just don't think we have good doctors down here, and we have WONDERFUL doctors" when my mom asks questions about care and diagnoses. I'm pretty sure that goes back to bad feelings over the grandparents' decision to move from my hometown to another state many years ago, despite my mom begging them not to (she was in the middle of a bad divorce and really wanted them to stay close). So my mom's input gets interpreted as a daughter's criticism, not a nurse's clinical interest. You are always the daughter first.
From reading your description of the most recent situation, I think the real question you have to answer and deal with is -- why doesn't your mom want you notified? What does she think will happen? What about your expected response makes her so uncomfortable? What does she want you to do instead? You might not like the answers you get, and I'm sure you will be right about the way things should be. But I think you have the choice for now of either being in the family loop or being right -- not both.
As far as end-of-life planning... hoo boy. Your parents are still your parents, which means they're still the grown-ups in charge. I wouldn't go there. Ask your sister if she knows whether or not there's a plan, and if she knows what the plan is. Don't ask her to share it if she can't, just tell her you'd feel better knowing they have things in order. If she says yes, they do -- then let it go.
And then stop letting your mom manipulate your emotions with this kind of crap. Keep doing what you've been doing (behaving like a reasonable adult), keep lines of communication open, and keep working on changing your behavior so that she doesn't get the reaction she expects when she yanks your chain. After many years of trying, my mom and her sister are finally NOT doing the old behavior patterns that used to mean they were always at odds. They've teamed up so that when one of them is The Bad Kid, the other one keeps an eye on mom. It's a lot less stressful for them both, and I can't remember the last time one of the sisters was giving the silent treatment to either the mom or the other sister. My grandmother has even mellowed. Progress is possible! It can be a long game, though, so hang in there.
Oh - and my mom got a lot out of The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.
posted by hms71 at 9:37 PM on June 15, 2012 [3 favorites]
I remember that pain of being excluded and being considered "the black sheep" of the family, the feeling of being played one sibling against another.
I am very very sorry. I'd like to say here you are not a "bad person." That's rubbish! This dynamic has been in play a long time in your family, and you know what? It isn't personal against you. It's just, well, someone was going to get this role because your parents are kinda dysfunctional and not self-aware, so there ya go.
Honey. They don't even really know you. They don't know you at all. There are not functioning at humane or civil levels. They're just going off programming at this point. It's not as deep for them as it is for you. Their critical thinking skills (and their ability to really see) has left the building a long long time ago.
----
All that stuff about medical advocacy, their wills, organ donation, etc. - yeah - that is none of your business any longer. I mean it.
I'm sure that stings. I am so sorry.
My advice to you on this point is that you should go ahead and mourn the loss of your parents in the most final way possible. Once you are done mourning the end of the ideal relationship that you always dreamed of, you will attain equanimity within, and you'll have made space in your heart and in your life for better relationships to inhabit.
----
I know there are books that deconstruct this type of family dynamic, and I hope folks more knowledgeable than me pop in to point you to them. This is super super common.
Now. About your sister.
You say nothing about it, but I KNOW your sister's life is difficult and compromised because she's the one they favored and stayed close by. Defacto, your sister has a poorer emotional life than you do (trust me) and she likely sides with your parents because she also lacks critical thinking skills and an ability to be self-aware.
You've said enough already to your sister. Move on.
Thank your lucky stars she's there to take the brunt of all this drama.
-------------
I'm going to add one more thing because you have children, and so do I.
Shield your children from this crap as much as possible!
When I was pregnant two years ago, folks who didn't know me well were curious as to why my parents were not involved in my life. The answer was simple....
My parents treated me like crap, and I never wanted my son to see that it's OK to treat family like crap.
Do what you will. This is my best advice, having knocked my head against this particular wall for too many years.
Best.
posted by jbenben at 9:42 PM on June 15, 2012 [24 favorites]
I am very very sorry. I'd like to say here you are not a "bad person." That's rubbish! This dynamic has been in play a long time in your family, and you know what? It isn't personal against you. It's just, well, someone was going to get this role because your parents are kinda dysfunctional and not self-aware, so there ya go.
Honey. They don't even really know you. They don't know you at all. There are not functioning at humane or civil levels. They're just going off programming at this point. It's not as deep for them as it is for you. Their critical thinking skills (and their ability to really see) has left the building a long long time ago.
----
All that stuff about medical advocacy, their wills, organ donation, etc. - yeah - that is none of your business any longer. I mean it.
I'm sure that stings. I am so sorry.
My advice to you on this point is that you should go ahead and mourn the loss of your parents in the most final way possible. Once you are done mourning the end of the ideal relationship that you always dreamed of, you will attain equanimity within, and you'll have made space in your heart and in your life for better relationships to inhabit.
----
I know there are books that deconstruct this type of family dynamic, and I hope folks more knowledgeable than me pop in to point you to them. This is super super common.
Now. About your sister.
You say nothing about it, but I KNOW your sister's life is difficult and compromised because she's the one they favored and stayed close by. Defacto, your sister has a poorer emotional life than you do (trust me) and she likely sides with your parents because she also lacks critical thinking skills and an ability to be self-aware.
You've said enough already to your sister. Move on.
Thank your lucky stars she's there to take the brunt of all this drama.
-------------
I'm going to add one more thing because you have children, and so do I.
Shield your children from this crap as much as possible!
When I was pregnant two years ago, folks who didn't know me well were curious as to why my parents were not involved in my life. The answer was simple....
My parents treated me like crap, and I never wanted my son to see that it's OK to treat family like crap.
Do what you will. This is my best advice, having knocked my head against this particular wall for too many years.
Best.
posted by jbenben at 9:42 PM on June 15, 2012 [24 favorites]
Upon preview, everything quince said above, except for the part about talking to your sister. Unless, of course, the door is still open there - but don't be surprised if it is not. That's the way these things usually work. Sadly.
posted by jbenben at 9:45 PM on June 15, 2012
posted by jbenben at 9:45 PM on June 15, 2012
wait - I take it back, it was The Dance of Intimacy -- I think any of Lerner's books might apply, though
posted by hms71 at 9:48 PM on June 15, 2012
posted by hms71 at 9:48 PM on June 15, 2012
First, when you can, assure your mother of your love and concern. Do not rise to any baiting she might do. Assure her, your father, your sister and anyone else involved that you were "stricken and frantic" or "quite concerned" or "distressed" (whatever language is appropriate in your family to indicate that you are one of them) to learn after the fact about her surgery and that you want to know when everyone else knows about any health concerns whatsoever. Tell everyone that. Don't criticize or blame, just go on the record.
Then set out to establish a gentle and trusting relationship with your sister. (You're gentle and she becomes trusting.) This is far from an automatic development when sisters grow up. As adults they frequently have to navigate some treacherous terrain full of scars from past battles full of unequal power struggles whether due to mere difference in age and ability or induced by a thoughtless parent who traded in favoritism to get her own way. My own journey over this terrain required me to understand my sister more than she understood me. I am stronger than she is and, as the older sister, I sometimes fought battles for her, in a figurative sense.
During our mother's fatal illness, we worked together to care for her and I became much more aware of how much I had to understand her if I was going to have a relationship with my only sister going forward. We had to work around our father; he was a problem. There were also resentments and personality differences. If I hadn't been committed to keeping my sister in my life, I would have spoken my mind and flounced off. I was able not to do that because so much had already been lost. She is a bit passive-aggressive (which she knows and works on) and after our mother died, in her grief she did a couple of hurtful things that I really felt. But, you know what, so did every other member of my family and most of them, I was quite able to simply leave behind. But, because I wanted to have a sister, I kept trying and now I do have her in my life. She's sometimes skittish, but I let her be herself and I try to see who she is and what she needs. I think as long as I don't violate my self, a great deal of tolerance and understanding is absolutely worthwhile in order to have some family in the end. I have a lovely sister, smart, funny, accomplished, and she carries my lovely mother in her, as I do. We are, however, both imperfect.
If you can gently make a pact with your sister, you might have to let her set some of the terms. (She might not want to let you be the expert, for example--just an random example--and you might have to keep quiet when you are perfectly competent to speak up. Your choice not to live close by has made the dynamic different and given her more power.) If you negotiate with your sister, perhaps she will promise to keep you in the loop and feel reassured that you will not "out" her if she has to conceal it from the parents.
This is just an example of strategy. You can't make other adults treat you the way you want them to, even if--especially if--they're your family members. But you can make peace and you probably can get the information you need. My rule is always "remember what you came for" when I'm navigating my way through the family minefields.
posted by Anitanola at 9:48 PM on June 15, 2012 [4 favorites]
Then set out to establish a gentle and trusting relationship with your sister. (You're gentle and she becomes trusting.) This is far from an automatic development when sisters grow up. As adults they frequently have to navigate some treacherous terrain full of scars from past battles full of unequal power struggles whether due to mere difference in age and ability or induced by a thoughtless parent who traded in favoritism to get her own way. My own journey over this terrain required me to understand my sister more than she understood me. I am stronger than she is and, as the older sister, I sometimes fought battles for her, in a figurative sense.
During our mother's fatal illness, we worked together to care for her and I became much more aware of how much I had to understand her if I was going to have a relationship with my only sister going forward. We had to work around our father; he was a problem. There were also resentments and personality differences. If I hadn't been committed to keeping my sister in my life, I would have spoken my mind and flounced off. I was able not to do that because so much had already been lost. She is a bit passive-aggressive (which she knows and works on) and after our mother died, in her grief she did a couple of hurtful things that I really felt. But, you know what, so did every other member of my family and most of them, I was quite able to simply leave behind. But, because I wanted to have a sister, I kept trying and now I do have her in my life. She's sometimes skittish, but I let her be herself and I try to see who she is and what she needs. I think as long as I don't violate my self, a great deal of tolerance and understanding is absolutely worthwhile in order to have some family in the end. I have a lovely sister, smart, funny, accomplished, and she carries my lovely mother in her, as I do. We are, however, both imperfect.
If you can gently make a pact with your sister, you might have to let her set some of the terms. (She might not want to let you be the expert, for example--just an random example--and you might have to keep quiet when you are perfectly competent to speak up. Your choice not to live close by has made the dynamic different and given her more power.) If you negotiate with your sister, perhaps she will promise to keep you in the loop and feel reassured that you will not "out" her if she has to conceal it from the parents.
This is just an example of strategy. You can't make other adults treat you the way you want them to, even if--especially if--they're your family members. But you can make peace and you probably can get the information you need. My rule is always "remember what you came for" when I'm navigating my way through the family minefields.
posted by Anitanola at 9:48 PM on June 15, 2012 [4 favorites]
My mother was in a near-fatal car accident and was in the hospital for two weeks. She mentioned it as an aside a year later ("Oh, I didn't do that thing because I was in the hospital then.")
Yes, I was 100% deliberately excluded from knowledge of this event. Yes, I am the Least Favorite Kid.
But you know what? That's HER problem. A lifetime of this sort of thing hit me really hard for a really long time, but at some point I began to see it as ridiculous - what, I achieved the same accomplishment you bragged about for months when sibling did it, but when I do it it's completely unimportant? Riiiiiiight.
When a parent behaves disproportionately badly to a kid - and especially if it changes sides, as you imply it does - IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. She may be trying to stick this feeling of unworthiness on you, but it's not part of you. It's a bit of a twisted, malfunctioning part of HER.
I don't know if this perspective can resonate with you, but let me tell you it saved my damn life. I managed to go from feeling that I might as well be dead since I clearly didn't deserve to live, to laughing these incidents off as ludicrousness that was 100% her and nothing whatsoever to do with my actual worth. Your mother has lost the privilege of validating your worth. She's not a trustworthy source. You know who you are. You're good in the clutch, and all that other awesome stuff.
As for wills and stuff - do you really need to be involved? My thought on wills is that they're all about the person making them, and I don't need to know about them unless they create a responsibility for me (e.g. so-and-so will manage the trust fund/kids/etc.).
Your mother sounds at least a little toxic, and I get the sense you already know you need some space between you and her. Let this incident be a relief that gives you space to breathe. Let go of involvement in wills and whatnot unless you're asked, and realise that that too is a space that lets you breathe and be yourself without judgement. This can be a truly liberating moment for you.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 10:44 PM on June 15, 2012 [6 favorites]
Yes, I was 100% deliberately excluded from knowledge of this event. Yes, I am the Least Favorite Kid.
But you know what? That's HER problem. A lifetime of this sort of thing hit me really hard for a really long time, but at some point I began to see it as ridiculous - what, I achieved the same accomplishment you bragged about for months when sibling did it, but when I do it it's completely unimportant? Riiiiiiight.
When a parent behaves disproportionately badly to a kid - and especially if it changes sides, as you imply it does - IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. She may be trying to stick this feeling of unworthiness on you, but it's not part of you. It's a bit of a twisted, malfunctioning part of HER.
I don't know if this perspective can resonate with you, but let me tell you it saved my damn life. I managed to go from feeling that I might as well be dead since I clearly didn't deserve to live, to laughing these incidents off as ludicrousness that was 100% her and nothing whatsoever to do with my actual worth. Your mother has lost the privilege of validating your worth. She's not a trustworthy source. You know who you are. You're good in the clutch, and all that other awesome stuff.
As for wills and stuff - do you really need to be involved? My thought on wills is that they're all about the person making them, and I don't need to know about them unless they create a responsibility for me (e.g. so-and-so will manage the trust fund/kids/etc.).
Your mother sounds at least a little toxic, and I get the sense you already know you need some space between you and her. Let this incident be a relief that gives you space to breathe. Let go of involvement in wills and whatnot unless you're asked, and realise that that too is a space that lets you breathe and be yourself without judgement. This can be a truly liberating moment for you.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 10:44 PM on June 15, 2012 [6 favorites]
by the implication that she would have been OK with dying without having said goodbye to me or to her grandchildren.
This is a huge leap.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:02 AM on June 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
This is a huge leap.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:02 AM on June 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Would your sister be willing to tell your parents, now (in a time of relative good health), that she will not keep secrets like that from you in the future? That seems like a reasonable thing for you to ask of her, and a reasonable thing for her to ask of them. They might still put her in difficult situation and ask her to keep something from you, but it would maybe at least put everyone's cards on the table.
I don't get enough of a sense of your relationship with your sister to know whether the two of you would be able to present a united front to your parents in that way. But it seems like it would be a good thing to aspire to.
On the question of wills and organ donation and things like that, I think you probably need to let it go. Yeah, you may be good at that kind of stuff, but maybe your parents don't want or need someone who's good at that kind of stuff. Maybe they don't want to engage with it at all. Should they deal with this stuff? Of course! And if you had a close relationship with them you would have some leverage to get them to deal with it. But ultimately stuff about their wills and organ donation and even DNRs is mostly about *them* and it's their business and it seems like they don't want you in their business.
posted by mskyle at 4:41 AM on June 16, 2012
I don't get enough of a sense of your relationship with your sister to know whether the two of you would be able to present a united front to your parents in that way. But it seems like it would be a good thing to aspire to.
On the question of wills and organ donation and things like that, I think you probably need to let it go. Yeah, you may be good at that kind of stuff, but maybe your parents don't want or need someone who's good at that kind of stuff. Maybe they don't want to engage with it at all. Should they deal with this stuff? Of course! And if you had a close relationship with them you would have some leverage to get them to deal with it. But ultimately stuff about their wills and organ donation and even DNRs is mostly about *them* and it's their business and it seems like they don't want you in their business.
posted by mskyle at 4:41 AM on June 16, 2012
I don't think it's a huge leap re: dying without saying goodbye. The OP is quite clear: The surgery is common, but serious, and there was a non-trivial risk of death. [...] Neither my sister nor my father notified me until 48 hours after the operation [...] my mother's stated preference to leave me out of the loop – emphasis mine, and reordered to make it even clearer.
OP – you've behaved respectfully and responsibly. I have family like this too. My paternal grandmother died in April 2010, and I was neither told of her worsening condition, nor of her death until a week afterwards, and the day after her funeral. My brother was complicit in it all, in spite of him knowing how close my grandmother and I had always been (she and my grandfather had been the only supportive adults in the family), and in spite of what I thought had been open, positive communication with him (brother). I asked him if he would please keep me in the loop with regards to her will, since she'd always wanted me to have some of her dolls (I don't even like dolls that much, but my grandmother loved them, and it meant a lot to her to will them to me, and so it meant quite a lot to me as well). He promised he would.
I haven't heard a word from my brother ever since. Not a single word, in over two years.
All you can do is honor yourself, and express your wishes – they aren't an imposition, and you genuinely want the best. When others behave however they behave, then you can know you did what you could, feel your own emotions, and accept that their behavior is their own. Hopefully your sister will stand up to the plate – hoping and moving towards that would be great. But if she doesn't, know that it's her choice. It's not you.
Same for the wills and so forth. I was mentioned by name in my grandmother's will. I've heard not a peep. I know I could ask for legal help, but it would only mean stepping into the familial hornet's nest. I mean to say with this example: even if you do manage to help them get their wills in order, there are chances none of it could matter anyway, if there are people who change their minds later on.
So sorry to hear you're going through this. It's heart-wrenching, especially when the let-downs continue. I hope in your case they don't, but with a family history of it, unfortunately, the past is the best predictor of the future. The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that the worst could happen. My paternal grandmother often told me she feared it; she did her best (she had dementia) to keep in touch and express her love for as long as she could. I thought our family wouldn't go that far (without saying it to her, because she was convinced, and I respected her opinion)... but I at least have the comfort of knowing that my grandmother saw it, and prepared for it. And she ended up being right. It's an odd sort of comfort, but it is there, and because she accepted the deeper realities of what she'd seen over the years.
posted by fraula at 4:48 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
OP – you've behaved respectfully and responsibly. I have family like this too. My paternal grandmother died in April 2010, and I was neither told of her worsening condition, nor of her death until a week afterwards, and the day after her funeral. My brother was complicit in it all, in spite of him knowing how close my grandmother and I had always been (she and my grandfather had been the only supportive adults in the family), and in spite of what I thought had been open, positive communication with him (brother). I asked him if he would please keep me in the loop with regards to her will, since she'd always wanted me to have some of her dolls (I don't even like dolls that much, but my grandmother loved them, and it meant a lot to her to will them to me, and so it meant quite a lot to me as well). He promised he would.
I haven't heard a word from my brother ever since. Not a single word, in over two years.
All you can do is honor yourself, and express your wishes – they aren't an imposition, and you genuinely want the best. When others behave however they behave, then you can know you did what you could, feel your own emotions, and accept that their behavior is their own. Hopefully your sister will stand up to the plate – hoping and moving towards that would be great. But if she doesn't, know that it's her choice. It's not you.
Same for the wills and so forth. I was mentioned by name in my grandmother's will. I've heard not a peep. I know I could ask for legal help, but it would only mean stepping into the familial hornet's nest. I mean to say with this example: even if you do manage to help them get their wills in order, there are chances none of it could matter anyway, if there are people who change their minds later on.
So sorry to hear you're going through this. It's heart-wrenching, especially when the let-downs continue. I hope in your case they don't, but with a family history of it, unfortunately, the past is the best predictor of the future. The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that the worst could happen. My paternal grandmother often told me she feared it; she did her best (she had dementia) to keep in touch and express her love for as long as she could. I thought our family wouldn't go that far (without saying it to her, because she was convinced, and I respected her opinion)... but I at least have the comfort of knowing that my grandmother saw it, and prepared for it. And she ended up being right. It's an odd sort of comfort, but it is there, and because she accepted the deeper realities of what she'd seen over the years.
posted by fraula at 4:48 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
This might not be what you want to hear but it seems like you are making this all about you. Maybe this kind of dynamic...anyway, it's bad they didn't tell you. My parents didn't tell me when either of them were diagnosed with cancer (thankfully very early, very treatable and now (hopefully!) gone) until months later. Some parents/families are just more secretive or have people they go to first etc.
Wills and so on, has nothing to do with you. Seriously, unless they are incapacitated or have asked for your help, no way. I would never bring up that stuff with my parents unless it was in a joking around way (which is even weirder actually) unless they brought it up first. None of my business. And they definitely believe that too.
Family dynamics are a very weird thing. But there has been some kind of medical event that everyone needs to recover from. This isn't the time for being angry, having heavy conversations or doling out forgiveness. Let it go. Keep your eye on the dynamic and either accept it for what it is or do your best to remove yourself from it with the minimum of drama. (ie don't play into it). Good luck.
posted by bquarters at 5:24 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wills and so on, has nothing to do with you. Seriously, unless they are incapacitated or have asked for your help, no way. I would never bring up that stuff with my parents unless it was in a joking around way (which is even weirder actually) unless they brought it up first. None of my business. And they definitely believe that too.
Family dynamics are a very weird thing. But there has been some kind of medical event that everyone needs to recover from. This isn't the time for being angry, having heavy conversations or doling out forgiveness. Let it go. Keep your eye on the dynamic and either accept it for what it is or do your best to remove yourself from it with the minimum of drama. (ie don't play into it). Good luck.
posted by bquarters at 5:24 AM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
If your mother doesn't care enough about you to notify you when she's going to have that sort of operation and your sister doesn't respect you enough not to let herself by used in your mother's mindgames, no wonder you feel awful. That's not something that should happen in a healthy family.
I'm not sure that the advice given above about staying respectful and adult in this is going to work, because adults don't behave this way. You have every right to be angry at both your mother and your sister and every right to tell them in no uncertain terms about it. Letting yourself fall in the role of the good victim, who accepts her punishment is the wrong thing to do, especially since you say yourself that you're already feeling that way.
Have you got anybody neutral, not part of the family you can talk to about this? A friend or professional confidante?
posted by MartinWisse at 5:37 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure that the advice given above about staying respectful and adult in this is going to work, because adults don't behave this way. You have every right to be angry at both your mother and your sister and every right to tell them in no uncertain terms about it. Letting yourself fall in the role of the good victim, who accepts her punishment is the wrong thing to do, especially since you say yourself that you're already feeling that way.
Have you got anybody neutral, not part of the family you can talk to about this? A friend or professional confidante?
posted by MartinWisse at 5:37 AM on June 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
IS she still in the hospital? They may have a chaplain, and some hospitals have secular chaplains/counselors. This is what they're for, and they've seen a LOT of family dynamics.
posted by Miko at 5:59 AM on June 16, 2012
posted by Miko at 5:59 AM on June 16, 2012
Be blunt with your sister and explain to her how disturbed you were by the way the entire family treated you. She was put in the position to act as an adult by refusing to go along with your mother request, and she failed. She owes you an apology, especially if both of you have realized the mental games your mother plays.
The end of life questions? None of your business. Your parents are adults, reasonably sound of mind, and able to take care of their affairs.
Keep your distance from both sister and parents, and if they ask, tell them why. You don't need this type of abuse.
posted by francesca too at 6:57 AM on June 16, 2012
The end of life questions? None of your business. Your parents are adults, reasonably sound of mind, and able to take care of their affairs.
Keep your distance from both sister and parents, and if they ask, tell them why. You don't need this type of abuse.
posted by francesca too at 6:57 AM on June 16, 2012
I'm going to weigh in on the side of trying to see your sister's point of view - if not now, leaving yourself open to forgiving her for your hurt feelings sometime in the future.
My mom was hospitalised for mental illness when my younger brother and I were in our early twenties/late teens. She told me, and explicitly asked me not to tell him. I told him anyway, because I believed he had a right to know, and I felt that, whereas she had a right to disclose her medical details to whomever she chose, that by excluding one of her two children, she was trying to control her relationship with us and ours with each other, and I didn't want to abet that. So I'm with you on the 'I'm a hypocrite' thing!
She was hospitalised again a few years later - this time she told my brother and I assume asked him not to tell me, because I didn't know about it until she brought it up a few years later again. He made a different decision from the one I made, but I don't judge him for it now, whatever his reasons were, even though it did hurt my feelings, and make me feel less close to him.
As far as advice about how to feel better, continue reminding yourself that you know you are doing the right things, and behaving as you think an adult should behave, even when others around you are not.
Wishing you the best.
posted by mgrrl at 7:12 AM on June 16, 2012
My mom was hospitalised for mental illness when my younger brother and I were in our early twenties/late teens. She told me, and explicitly asked me not to tell him. I told him anyway, because I believed he had a right to know, and I felt that, whereas she had a right to disclose her medical details to whomever she chose, that by excluding one of her two children, she was trying to control her relationship with us and ours with each other, and I didn't want to abet that. So I'm with you on the 'I'm a hypocrite' thing!
She was hospitalised again a few years later - this time she told my brother and I assume asked him not to tell me, because I didn't know about it until she brought it up a few years later again. He made a different decision from the one I made, but I don't judge him for it now, whatever his reasons were, even though it did hurt my feelings, and make me feel less close to him.
As far as advice about how to feel better, continue reminding yourself that you know you are doing the right things, and behaving as you think an adult should behave, even when others around you are not.
Wishing you the best.
posted by mgrrl at 7:12 AM on June 16, 2012
I am just very slightly going to play devil's advocate here ... A lot of what you write indicates that you really wanted to take action and "help" with your mom's care (rounding up support for your dad, being a medical advocate, figuing out wills, etc). It's possible that your mom knew this and felt it would be interfering and stressful, rather than comforting. I think instead of displacing your feelings onto actions ("but I could have done so much to help you!") you should have a very open and honest conversation with your mom about how you love her and want to become closer to her. Because that's what it's about, right? Don't make her defend or explain her recent choice; there's no benefit to that.
posted by yarly at 8:01 AM on June 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by yarly at 8:01 AM on June 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
There is a history of her playing one daughter off against the other
Ugh, yeah. My mom has worked HARD her whole life to not do this, despite having a family history of EXACTLY that. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. This likely goes back years, and is ingrained in the family dynamics. Please don't take it personally, please realize that you are good and work hard in the family and this is likely not personal.
My grandmother did this. Her mother did this to her. My mom is still dealing with fallout from this even though the older generation is all gone now.
Take care of yourself, keep doing what you believe is right, and know this is not your fault.
posted by bibliogrrl at 8:58 AM on June 16, 2012
Ugh, yeah. My mom has worked HARD her whole life to not do this, despite having a family history of EXACTLY that. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. This likely goes back years, and is ingrained in the family dynamics. Please don't take it personally, please realize that you are good and work hard in the family and this is likely not personal.
My grandmother did this. Her mother did this to her. My mom is still dealing with fallout from this even though the older generation is all gone now.
Take care of yourself, keep doing what you believe is right, and know this is not your fault.
posted by bibliogrrl at 8:58 AM on June 16, 2012
It sounds manipulative on your Mom's part. Or perhaps retaliatory. You choose to have distance and good boundaries; your Mom chooses to have more distance.
Years ago, I moved 1000 miles away and was very hard to contact. Over time, I became easy to contact, and always made efforts to have a healthy relationship w/ my Mom. She and I ended up having an okay relationship, but she did often exclude me. I took it as a consequence of my choice, and still felt that my decision to have distance and boundaries was, by far, the better result for me.
posted by theora55 at 11:20 AM on June 16, 2012
Years ago, I moved 1000 miles away and was very hard to contact. Over time, I became easy to contact, and always made efforts to have a healthy relationship w/ my Mom. She and I ended up having an okay relationship, but she did often exclude me. I took it as a consequence of my choice, and still felt that my decision to have distance and boundaries was, by far, the better result for me.
posted by theora55 at 11:20 AM on June 16, 2012
I'm going through similar stuff with my family now. I can't tell you the number of medical developments I've heard about from my sister ON FUCKING FACEBOOK. I went away for the weekend when my father was in the hospital--my sister promised to call if anything happened--and came back to find out he was in hospice ON FUCKING FACEBOOK. Oy.
Anyway, I think the thing that helps me is to actively foster a relationship with both my mother and my sister, so that it's harder for them to think of themselves as sort of a closed unit with me outside. My sister would love to be the go-between for my mother and me, but I make an effort to have a relationship with my mother that's just between the two of us. That way she understands that I care and I do want to know what's happening. It's not perfect, but it helps. I would emphasize to your mother that you want to know these things; she's the one that's responsible for this.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 11:48 AM on June 16, 2012
Anyway, I think the thing that helps me is to actively foster a relationship with both my mother and my sister, so that it's harder for them to think of themselves as sort of a closed unit with me outside. My sister would love to be the go-between for my mother and me, but I make an effort to have a relationship with my mother that's just between the two of us. That way she understands that I care and I do want to know what's happening. It's not perfect, but it helps. I would emphasize to your mother that you want to know these things; she's the one that's responsible for this.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 11:48 AM on June 16, 2012
I am sorry that your mother had sudden surgery and also that she did not include you.
Wouldn't it be great if we could just say - "Yes! You are a bad person, you deserve this treatment, these crazy feelings." But you are not a bad person, you are a person whose mother decided to leave you out of a medical emergency and it hurts. And it's ok for it to hurt and for all those feelings and doubts and worries and family dynamics to be brought up. In times of crisis, and a medical test turning into a surgery is a crisis, people make decisions and they are not always the best, the most thoughtful, or even consistent. You did not do anything or not not do anything to make this happen - it just did.
From here you move forward: yes, tell your mother and father that you were hurt by the decision to not inform you and that next time you want to be in the loop so you can help. Explain to them that you love them and care about them (do not get into that you have more experience or are a good medical advocate). Explain that helping them cooperatively with sister is empowering to everyone and useful for your kids. Ask them, what sort of help is helpful now and in the future? In the end, it is your mother's (or father's) decision about what they want and who they want to inform, but now they know you want to be a part of the process.
For your sister, tell her about your conversation with Mom and Dad and what your wishes are for the future, let her know (again) that you understand she was in a bind, and also let her know (because you want to be this advocate) that you are there for her and her health too. Then she can make decisions based on what she wants with full knowledge of your wishes.
And then, let it go. You will not win anyone over by trying to be "good" (especially in a family setting), only by trying to be respectful of your own needs (keep this up) and helping in ways that your parents request.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 12:11 PM on June 16, 2012
Wouldn't it be great if we could just say - "Yes! You are a bad person, you deserve this treatment, these crazy feelings." But you are not a bad person, you are a person whose mother decided to leave you out of a medical emergency and it hurts. And it's ok for it to hurt and for all those feelings and doubts and worries and family dynamics to be brought up. In times of crisis, and a medical test turning into a surgery is a crisis, people make decisions and they are not always the best, the most thoughtful, or even consistent. You did not do anything or not not do anything to make this happen - it just did.
From here you move forward: yes, tell your mother and father that you were hurt by the decision to not inform you and that next time you want to be in the loop so you can help. Explain to them that you love them and care about them (do not get into that you have more experience or are a good medical advocate). Explain that helping them cooperatively with sister is empowering to everyone and useful for your kids. Ask them, what sort of help is helpful now and in the future? In the end, it is your mother's (or father's) decision about what they want and who they want to inform, but now they know you want to be a part of the process.
For your sister, tell her about your conversation with Mom and Dad and what your wishes are for the future, let her know (again) that you understand she was in a bind, and also let her know (because you want to be this advocate) that you are there for her and her health too. Then she can make decisions based on what she wants with full knowledge of your wishes.
And then, let it go. You will not win anyone over by trying to be "good" (especially in a family setting), only by trying to be respectful of your own needs (keep this up) and helping in ways that your parents request.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 12:11 PM on June 16, 2012
I am the black sheep, too. It sucks. I haven't heard about huge events, which devastated me, until way after the fact.
Could it be partially that your sister is close by? For my family there is no such thing as benevolent distance. They are all so involved in each other's lives, living in the same area, that me living on the other coast is seen as a kind of rejection to them, a failure to stay in the fold. They don't know how to involve me or maintain an emotional connection with me given the geographical distance; after a decade they really don't know me at all any more and would probably distrust any attempts to involve myself in their lives, especially in highly charged medical situations, especially if they thought I would try to exert my will at all. It's like we're not family.
I'm not saying this is logical. It's asinine. But that's the internal logic. When somebody who knew me and my interactions with them very well but was a neutral third party pointed that out (that they peculiarly don't have a concept of benevolent distance, and it's just fucked up), it gave me a lot of peace.
posted by sweltering at 9:15 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Could it be partially that your sister is close by? For my family there is no such thing as benevolent distance. They are all so involved in each other's lives, living in the same area, that me living on the other coast is seen as a kind of rejection to them, a failure to stay in the fold. They don't know how to involve me or maintain an emotional connection with me given the geographical distance; after a decade they really don't know me at all any more and would probably distrust any attempts to involve myself in their lives, especially in highly charged medical situations, especially if they thought I would try to exert my will at all. It's like we're not family.
I'm not saying this is logical. It's asinine. But that's the internal logic. When somebody who knew me and my interactions with them very well but was a neutral third party pointed that out (that they peculiarly don't have a concept of benevolent distance, and it's just fucked up), it gave me a lot of peace.
posted by sweltering at 9:15 PM on June 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Just as a data-point: my family uses FB and email a lot, but it's incredibly secondary to calling/phoning someone. Is it at possible that they sincerely did not try calling you because they knew you would be unavailable?
Also, I really wanted to reiterate this comment:
I am just very slightly going to play devil's advocate here ... A lot of what you write indicates that you really wanted to take action and "help" with your mom's care (rounding up support for your dad, being a medical advocate, figuing out wills, etc). It's possible that your mom knew this and felt it would be interfering and stressful, rather than comforting. I think instead of displacing your feelings onto actions ("but I could have done so much to help you!") you should have a very open and honest conversation with your mom about how you love her and want to become closer to her. Because that's what it's about, right? Don't make her defend or explain her recent choice; there's no benefit to that.
There's a really big difference between being seen as a supportive/caretaker sibling and the bossy/you're doing it wrong!! sibling. There are probably a lot of dynamics at play here, not just the one where your mom is once again playing favorites.
posted by spunweb at 9:40 PM on June 16, 2012
Also, I really wanted to reiterate this comment:
I am just very slightly going to play devil's advocate here ... A lot of what you write indicates that you really wanted to take action and "help" with your mom's care (rounding up support for your dad, being a medical advocate, figuing out wills, etc). It's possible that your mom knew this and felt it would be interfering and stressful, rather than comforting. I think instead of displacing your feelings onto actions ("but I could have done so much to help you!") you should have a very open and honest conversation with your mom about how you love her and want to become closer to her. Because that's what it's about, right? Don't make her defend or explain her recent choice; there's no benefit to that.
There's a really big difference between being seen as a supportive/caretaker sibling and the bossy/you're doing it wrong!! sibling. There are probably a lot of dynamics at play here, not just the one where your mom is once again playing favorites.
posted by spunweb at 9:40 PM on June 16, 2012
Following up on what DarlingBri said, given that the dynamics are pretty similar to my own family, I can make a pretty good guess that your mother did NOT intentionally make the decision that she didn't want to have her goodbyes with you.
Thinking about your own mortality is frightening, so much so that people who are not self-aware often refuse to do it. I would bet a dollar that she was refusing to think of that aspect of the surgery, and so her decision had nothing to do with you or your children not saying goodbye, because that aspect didn't exist for your mother in that moment.
posted by zug at 11:39 AM on June 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
Thinking about your own mortality is frightening, so much so that people who are not self-aware often refuse to do it. I would bet a dollar that she was refusing to think of that aspect of the surgery, and so her decision had nothing to do with you or your children not saying goodbye, because that aspect didn't exist for your mother in that moment.
posted by zug at 11:39 AM on June 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
« Older An Italian Toast (but not the edible kind). | Suggest alternatives to some bands I like Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
So I think I've been doing the right things.
You absolutely have. You're acting more adult and considerate than almost everybody else in the situation. Well done.
Second, how do I have that conversation with my sister about her failure to disclose, given that I feel strongly that people are entitled to privacy in their decisions?
To start with, how strongly do you really feel about that? Do you really think your mother is entitled to the degree of privacy that leaves you out of the loop so completely that if things hadn't gone so well, you wouldn't have even known of the emergency until it was too late to say your goodbyes? I mean, that's a rather extreme degree of leaving you out of family decisions. I understand privacy, but at the same time, major surgery is kind of the time to not be asking for it.
I don't know. It sounds complicated, but at the same time, in your shoes I'd be saying "I know I don't live close by and I know you all have some issues with not being sure how much I want to know or be involved. But take note, I love you all and want to know and want to be involved. I'll respect your choices but I want the chance to be part of the family when it matters most."
As for your sister...strategies? I don't know. There's something strange going on here, and if she and you don't arrive at an agreement you definitely have the seeds of a lifelong estrangement/blaming thing going on here. So I would level with her. "When I heard about this, I felt left out and excluded from the family. I want you to know that in any future situations like this, I want to be included, and I'm depending on you to do that."
It sounds like you have really healthy boundaries. I could understand them keeping you at a bit of arms' length if you were meddling or dramatic --it doesn't sound like you are, it sounds like you just want to do what's right and create peace. Keep talking honestly about your feelings and wishes for your family relationships. You're not wrong here.
posted by Miko at 8:40 PM on June 15, 2012 [4 favorites]