Can we stay this way?
June 14, 2012 7:31 AM Subscribe
How to thwart jealousy and possessiveness in a non-relationship relationship?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Background: I'm a 25 year old female. The guy in this scenario is a 28 year old male. We met in December when we were both in long-distance open relationships, we started dating, and then decided 'friends with benefits' was a better solution than dating given our circumstances. For reasons unrelated to our situation, we both ended up breaking up with our long-distance partners in early March.
Now: since March, we have continued on as 'friends with benefits'. We fulfill a lot of needs for each other so the setup has been great. Towards the end of March, we began to spend more and more time together and the 'friends' part of the equation has since become really strong. We still sleep together, but we also spend a lot of time together outside of the bedroom. We text each other every day at work to chat, we hang out every night (pretty much without exception), we spend weekends together. We're in a relationship, but we're not in a relationship.
So (you saw this coming), I have developed strong feelings for him. I took some time to figure out whether I was just rebounding or whether I have legitimate feelings, and I realized I am in love with him. I realize we're both getting over our last relationships, so the timing sucks.
Anyway, I told him. He wasn't exactly shocked, but he took a day or so to think about it. I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, and my long-term plans are up in the air because I recently got accepted into a Master's/research program in another country. Being in a relationship is probably not going to happen. So why did I tell him? For one thing, to be honest. For another, to let him know that I am starting to feel little pangs of jealousy over silly things, so that he knows why I react the way I do sometimes. He told me he has very strong feelings for me, but he's not where I am right now.
My thinking: all or nothing. Either we try this out and see what happens, or we stop being friends and hanging out altogether. I don't want to be a jealousy, needy, possessive friend.
His thinking: we can figure this out. Why throw away a mutually beneficial setup? He's not sleeping with anyone else, nor is he interesting in dating or pursuing other girls. He doesn't want to make this into a relationship, but he's not looking elsewhere, so why should I be so worried?
Question: Is it feasible to remain friends with him? I really enjoy hanging out with him, in-love-with-him or not. We are really good for each other and we get along well as friends. Am I kidding myself if I think I can keep this up?
Throw away e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org