Help me get out of my head so I can let a new relationship actually take place in real time.
posted by dekathelon to Human Relations (7 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I've literally closed this tab then restarted posting this about six times by now. It's not implausible he reads this, but fuck it, there will be (almost) nothing in here he wouldn't suspect. Beanplating, snowflakery and sundry inside.
So. After start-fail-repeat dating I'm seeing someone where things might maybe be working. I think. I hope. It's been a month-ish and I'm at the point where I've, for lack of a better word, got a crush on him. I probably visibly light up when he walks in the room. We've done the "are you seeing other people" thing, and neither of us is right now. We're affectionate, we talk a lot and never run out of talk (this has always been the biggest clue for me when I'm not feeling it and it usually kicks in or doesn't around now), we've made some plans, I've met some of his friends, etc. All this should ease the worries, right? NOPE.
What I think is going on is that the above makes me feel vulnerable. It's like I'm already in breakup mode, all the time, focusing on something that hasn't even happened. I'm listening to practically nothing but breakup-y songs, reading stuff under the relevant tags here and comparing that to my situation, etc. He's brought up some life concerns, and it's plausible, like if I were writing a story with those conversations as plot events, that they might soon or eventually be the precursor to "...so I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now," which could mean or not mean "...with you," but then again, it's plausible that they couldn't be. What's most plausible of all is that trains of thought like that will be visible and obvious and end up making things uncomfortable. And I know exactly why this is happening - I'm future-focused in general and worry in general and a lot of (most?) people I've dated/been in relationships with have suddenly been all "nope sorry" out of the blue, sometimes to the point of saying they lied about being into things previously, so I've trained myself to look harder for signs. Knowing why this is happening does not actually help.
Wild card: I dated someone who went to his school for a while. They share interests and are Facebook friends, and they'd probably recognize each other on the street, at least. That situation ended poorly, we're not friends, and it was mostly my fault. (Or, fuck, I dunno, maybe it wasn't, but I feel confident in saying it's at least 75% my fault and I don't want to blame where blame isn't warranted.) If these paths cross, I'd probably look rather bad. (Justifiedly!) Even the best-case scenario here would involve a pretty substantial talk about sex, among other things. (Details deliberately vague, feel free to PM me for more. It's nothing to do with, like, STDs/pregnancy/etc, though, just to head off those interpretations.) It feels like a shoe waiting to drop, and it's not like I can bring it up unawkwardly: "Hey, do you know Frank? No reason."
Anyway. This is a lot of angst. What I'm wondering is how I tell it to fuck off so I don't end up screwing anything up that didn't have to be. Or, alternatively, how to tell legitimate concerns from stress I manufacture out of nothing.