So. Awkward.
June 7, 2012 3:45 PM Subscribe
Someone I sometimes work with asked me for a favor. I want to say no in the nicest and least dishonest possible way.
Help!
I'm going to be vague even though this is anon, because on the off chance this person reads MeFi I'd feel so horrible. I'll try not to be too vague though. This is someone I have known for a few years and worked with off and on. I'm contract/freelance/self-employed, but in the work I do with this person you could say they're sort of in a "supervisor" role. They see me as a peer/equal, though, as most people in our jobs do. This person is very nice and we get along fine in our professional dealings, which are mainly short emails about work and very occasionally pleasantries about related non-work stuff. I have absolutely no desire to be friends with this person because their personality weirds me out. They're not inappropriate or predatory, just really strange. This is not specific to me, it's just how they are. For this and a few other reasons, they're just not friend material for me. (That might sound cruel but believe me, I'm no perfect social butterfly myself. I don't have a lot of friends, and I'm not judgmental about people being strange. I am strange. But I need to feel comfortable around someone to want to hang out with them socially.)
Getting to the point, because we are in the same line of work and have a few semi-overlapping professional and personal interests, this person has mentioned to me before that they were doing a certain project. I was politely interested, mostly because I'm working on a similar (though not competing) project myself, and I was curious. Not about the work itself but the rather unusual (read: how is that going to get anywhere?!) manner in which they were going about it. They mentioned that the project would soon be at the stage when they'd need friends to critique it. I said something non-committal like 'good luck," hoping that I wasn't included in that group. But I am. This person wants me to look at the project in its early stages.
I don't want to do it for a few reasons. One, I'm very busy right now with work and personal commitments. When I look at my to-do list recently I feel really overwhelmed. In a good way, just that life is stressful. (If it's relevant, a portion of what I'm busy working on is stuff that will pass in front of this person's eyes/desk, even though I am not directly reporting to them in this case.) Two, because I respect this person's work and their attempt at the project (if not their WTF? plan for going about it) I couldn't just say "Looks good!" and have it go away. To do this right would require a fair amount of time and thought and would probably be an ongoing process, not a one-off thing. Three, this is something usually done by friends, or at least others with a strong affinity for the specific content of the project (which I don't have.) If this person was a friend, I'd happily make the time and deal with the inconvenience of doing this favor. If I did have that affinity, and/or wanted to become closer socially with the person over a long span of time, I'd probably do it too. But when I get to this stage of my own project, I would never dream of asking someone on this superficial level of acquaintance to look it over for me unless they first expressed a real desire to do so.
But I don't know how to say no. I can't use my usual (true) excuse for this sort of thing, which is "I know nothing
about [basket-weaving] so I couldn't possibly critique your [baskets] well enough." This person knows that I'm capable of doing this pretty well and I know a lot about the general (if not the specific) content of their project as well as the kind of project it is. In other words I make some form of [baskets] myself, though of a different style, and have collected lots of [baskets] of the type this person is trying to make for years. So I feel like I'm left with "I'm too busy" or "I'll get back to you" (and then not getting back, which is not only unkind but a dumb idea when I'll have to work with them again, right?) or "Too busy now, but maybe later." The last seems the best to me, but I don't know how to phrase it.
I'm not usually one of those people who can't say no, but this is, well, awkward. How do I go about this?
I'm going to be vague even though this is anon, because on the off chance this person reads MeFi I'd feel so horrible. I'll try not to be too vague though. This is someone I have known for a few years and worked with off and on. I'm contract/freelance/self-employed, but in the work I do with this person you could say they're sort of in a "supervisor" role. They see me as a peer/equal, though, as most people in our jobs do. This person is very nice and we get along fine in our professional dealings, which are mainly short emails about work and very occasionally pleasantries about related non-work stuff. I have absolutely no desire to be friends with this person because their personality weirds me out. They're not inappropriate or predatory, just really strange. This is not specific to me, it's just how they are. For this and a few other reasons, they're just not friend material for me. (That might sound cruel but believe me, I'm no perfect social butterfly myself. I don't have a lot of friends, and I'm not judgmental about people being strange. I am strange. But I need to feel comfortable around someone to want to hang out with them socially.)
Getting to the point, because we are in the same line of work and have a few semi-overlapping professional and personal interests, this person has mentioned to me before that they were doing a certain project. I was politely interested, mostly because I'm working on a similar (though not competing) project myself, and I was curious. Not about the work itself but the rather unusual (read: how is that going to get anywhere?!) manner in which they were going about it. They mentioned that the project would soon be at the stage when they'd need friends to critique it. I said something non-committal like 'good luck," hoping that I wasn't included in that group. But I am. This person wants me to look at the project in its early stages.
I don't want to do it for a few reasons. One, I'm very busy right now with work and personal commitments. When I look at my to-do list recently I feel really overwhelmed. In a good way, just that life is stressful. (If it's relevant, a portion of what I'm busy working on is stuff that will pass in front of this person's eyes/desk, even though I am not directly reporting to them in this case.) Two, because I respect this person's work and their attempt at the project (if not their WTF? plan for going about it) I couldn't just say "Looks good!" and have it go away. To do this right would require a fair amount of time and thought and would probably be an ongoing process, not a one-off thing. Three, this is something usually done by friends, or at least others with a strong affinity for the specific content of the project (which I don't have.) If this person was a friend, I'd happily make the time and deal with the inconvenience of doing this favor. If I did have that affinity, and/or wanted to become closer socially with the person over a long span of time, I'd probably do it too. But when I get to this stage of my own project, I would never dream of asking someone on this superficial level of acquaintance to look it over for me unless they first expressed a real desire to do so.
But I don't know how to say no. I can't use my usual (true) excuse for this sort of thing, which is "I know nothing
about [basket-weaving] so I couldn't possibly critique your [baskets] well enough." This person knows that I'm capable of doing this pretty well and I know a lot about the general (if not the specific) content of their project as well as the kind of project it is. In other words I make some form of [baskets] myself, though of a different style, and have collected lots of [baskets] of the type this person is trying to make for years. So I feel like I'm left with "I'm too busy" or "I'll get back to you" (and then not getting back, which is not only unkind but a dumb idea when I'll have to work with them again, right?) or "Too busy now, but maybe later." The last seems the best to me, but I don't know how to phrase it.
I'm not usually one of those people who can't say no, but this is, well, awkward. How do I go about this?
Yeah. "I just don't have the time to give it the attention it deserves."
posted by raisingsand at 3:52 PM on June 7, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by raisingsand at 3:52 PM on June 7, 2012 [15 favorites]
"I'm so sorry -- I'm just too busy with other projects to give this the time it deserves. Good luck, though!"
I definitely would not go with the "I'll get back to you" or "maybe later" approaches. Those just set you up for repeating approaches. I know it's easier initially to leave the door open a crack, but I think it's more damaging over time, as you say "maybe" again and again, but never actually agree to do this.
You have my sympathy. I've been in a similar situation -- and for the record, it's every bit as hard to handle this kind of thing when you *are* friends with the person whose project you're unable to critique.
posted by pie ninja at 3:52 PM on June 7, 2012 [4 favorites]
I definitely would not go with the "I'll get back to you" or "maybe later" approaches. Those just set you up for repeating approaches. I know it's easier initially to leave the door open a crack, but I think it's more damaging over time, as you say "maybe" again and again, but never actually agree to do this.
You have my sympathy. I've been in a similar situation -- and for the record, it's every bit as hard to handle this kind of thing when you *are* friends with the person whose project you're unable to critique.
posted by pie ninja at 3:52 PM on June 7, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'd write in an email:
"I'm really slammed right now. I'd feel terrible about agreeing to do a full-on critique because I'm not sure I can give it the attention it deserves. I'd be happy to take a glance at it and give you my general impression, but I know that isn't very helpful given what you're dealing with."
If they come back and say, "Oh, even if you just take a look, that's great!" Then you can just take a look and say, "Looks good!" or even more nicely, "I really like the way you developed the doodad. Otherwise, solid in general." And you don't have to feel guilty about just giving it a few minutes of your time.
posted by GnomeChompsky at 3:53 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
"I'm really slammed right now. I'd feel terrible about agreeing to do a full-on critique because I'm not sure I can give it the attention it deserves. I'd be happy to take a glance at it and give you my general impression, but I know that isn't very helpful given what you're dealing with."
If they come back and say, "Oh, even if you just take a look, that's great!" Then you can just take a look and say, "Looks good!" or even more nicely, "I really like the way you developed the doodad. Otherwise, solid in general." And you don't have to feel guilty about just giving it a few minutes of your time.
posted by GnomeChompsky at 3:53 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
First, you should consider it a compliment that this person asked you to take a look at their project. It means they respect your opinion. Second, if they haven't offered you any money to do so and you aren't "in Love" with the project then it's just not something you need to be concerned with. However, I fully understand where you're coming from here. This is someone you work with and you don't want to burn any bridges. I think the advice on here so far is pretty much right on. But just make sure to be very positive when you write your rejection email. And yes, I think email is perfectly fine to use in this situation. Simply say, "Hey Bob, I really appreciate the opprotunity to take a look at your project. I have a ton of respect for your work. Unfortunitely right now I'm just incredibly swamped. As a result, I'm not going to have enough time to help you out with this project. Should things change I will definitely let you know. I look forward to staying in touch and joining forces on projects in the future. I wish you all the best...." Something along those lines should work.
posted by ljs30 at 4:12 PM on June 7, 2012
posted by ljs30 at 4:12 PM on June 7, 2012
I'm very busy right now with work and personal commitments.
There is your reason - it's true and it's what you should go with.
And, yes, be appreciative that they've asked you in the first place.
posted by mleigh at 4:18 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
There is your reason - it's true and it's what you should go with.
And, yes, be appreciative that they've asked you in the first place.
posted by mleigh at 4:18 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
You're busy and stressed and don't want to commit to it. So, say that. Be honest. It's understandable and not rude.
For what it's worth, I suspect that you are one of those people who can't say not. For future issues, keep in mind that it's ok to say no. You don't have to have an excuse such as your lack of fluency in an area.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:33 PM on June 7, 2012
For what it's worth, I suspect that you are one of those people who can't say not. For future issues, keep in mind that it's ok to say no. You don't have to have an excuse such as your lack of fluency in an area.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:33 PM on June 7, 2012
I'm sorry I just cannot do it. Between work and my personal life, I just don't have time.
posted by cheemee at 4:58 PM on June 7, 2012
posted by cheemee at 4:58 PM on June 7, 2012
Apologise and give a generic, simple and true reason that can't be argued with. No details, no waffling, no maybe laters. Give them closure so they can move on to plan B.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:12 PM on June 7, 2012
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:12 PM on June 7, 2012
How about, "It's not the sort of thing I can glance at and say 'It's fine', especially knowing how much work is going into it. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to give it the attention it deserves right now -- my schedule is really crammed with work I need to do well. I hope you get great, smart criticism from your other contacts. Best of luck with this."
posted by amtho at 5:31 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by amtho at 5:31 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
I work in documentary film. People send me links to their trailers, their Kickstarters, their Indie-go-go projects. They send me DVDs of their films in progress. All want me to give advice, suggestions, critiques for free. I tell them my day rate, and 99% of them disappear. Even those who might someday hire me.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:46 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 5:46 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
You could claim you did something similar for a friend before, and there were bad repercussions, and you'd rather not have that happen again. Maybe not completely honest, but it may work.
posted by backwards guitar at 6:18 PM on June 7, 2012
posted by backwards guitar at 6:18 PM on June 7, 2012
"Thank you so much for thinking of me. Unfortunately I am completely slammed right now and really can't take on any other commitments. Good luck!"
posted by elizeh at 6:20 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by elizeh at 6:20 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think there's probably a subtext about the person's desire to be friends that's complicating things. So totally leave that out. You stated the reasons in your question:
I'm honored that you would ask me to look at your work, but I have to say No. I'm very busy right now with work and personal commitments.
I respect your work and your attempt at the project. I couldn't just say "Looks good!" and be done. To do this right would require a fair amount of time and thought and would probably be an ongoing process, not a one-off thing.
I feel really overwhelmed; in a good way, just that life is stressful. I hope your project goes well.
posted by Mom at 7:10 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm honored that you would ask me to look at your work, but I have to say No. I'm very busy right now with work and personal commitments.
I respect your work and your attempt at the project. I couldn't just say "Looks good!" and be done. To do this right would require a fair amount of time and thought and would probably be an ongoing process, not a one-off thing.
I feel really overwhelmed; in a good way, just that life is stressful. I hope your project goes well.
posted by Mom at 7:10 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
I came here to write exactly what Mom said. Best way to phrase it is the way you've already have, here and it's both honest and kind.
posted by vivzan at 9:51 PM on June 7, 2012
posted by vivzan at 9:51 PM on June 7, 2012
"Oh, I'm so flattered that you asked! But:
I'm sorry to say that I just don't feel like I could be objective, so I'm really not comfortable with this.
AND/OR
I'm really not good with giving this sort of critique, and it really stresses me out. Weird, i know, but it makes it impossible for me to be of help.
I'm sure you understand. Best of luck, and let me know how it goes!"
posted by desuetude at 11:56 PM on June 7, 2012
I'm sorry to say that I just don't feel like I could be objective, so I'm really not comfortable with this.
AND/OR
I'm really not good with giving this sort of critique, and it really stresses me out. Weird, i know, but it makes it impossible for me to be of help.
I'm sure you understand. Best of luck, and let me know how it goes!"
posted by desuetude at 11:56 PM on June 7, 2012
One thing I've found useful when fending off this sort of request is to point the acquaintance in a different (but useful!) direction.
My version is. "Sorry, I just don't feel qualified to read your script. I know you too well to be objective about it. I tell you what, though. There's this great freelance reader whose opinions I really respect. Hang on and I'll get you her number..."
posted by the latin mouse at 1:37 AM on June 8, 2012
My version is. "Sorry, I just don't feel qualified to read your script. I know you too well to be objective about it. I tell you what, though. There's this great freelance reader whose opinions I really respect. Hang on and I'll get you her number..."
posted by the latin mouse at 1:37 AM on June 8, 2012
I say this as the partner of someone with Asperger's. People who don't know of his diagnosis think he's a bit weird. And for some reason they do not therefore respond to him as they would a Neurologically typical person, making it even more difficult for him to 'guess" what they mean.
If this person wasn't a bit weird I put it to you that you would have used any of the above "really sorry but I've taken on too much at the moment, you my not have noticed because I'm trying really hard not to appear overwhelmed but I'd really appreciate it if you asked someone else?"
I don't know what flavour of really weird your colleague is but if he is anywhere remotely on a spectrum of communicative conditions then the more straighforward the information you give him the better. Please, please do not go into circumlocutions. Be firm and polite and tell them you can't give the time right now. Don't look for additional excuses, that will be seen as an opening for discussion/negotiation, like "I'm not the best person, I wouldn't do a great job....etc., etc., NONE of that. Simply, you don't have time but thanks for asking.
posted by Wilder at 5:59 AM on June 8, 2012 [2 favorites]
If this person wasn't a bit weird I put it to you that you would have used any of the above "really sorry but I've taken on too much at the moment, you my not have noticed because I'm trying really hard not to appear overwhelmed but I'd really appreciate it if you asked someone else?"
I don't know what flavour of really weird your colleague is but if he is anywhere remotely on a spectrum of communicative conditions then the more straighforward the information you give him the better. Please, please do not go into circumlocutions. Be firm and polite and tell them you can't give the time right now. Don't look for additional excuses, that will be seen as an opening for discussion/negotiation, like "I'm not the best person, I wouldn't do a great job....etc., etc., NONE of that. Simply, you don't have time but thanks for asking.
posted by Wilder at 5:59 AM on June 8, 2012 [2 favorites]
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That's it. Don't overthink it. If you don't want to do it, DO NOT say "maybe later," because they will take you up on it.
posted by restless_nomad at 3:49 PM on June 7, 2012 [4 favorites]