I want a time machine.
June 5, 2012 6:55 PM Subscribe
It's been 3 months since my boyfriend killed himself.
Just doing the basics takes so much out of me. The first month was a blur and everyone thought I was doing "exceptionally well". My tendencies are always to be very private and keep to myself. The only person I used to share my emotions with is dead. I have family but haven't been close to them in a very long time and even before never felt safe or able to share my personal life with them. Everything is very much on the surface. They were very dismissive when I spoke to them years ago about my depression and anxiety. Initially they were texting me to see how I was doing but I wasn't very responsive. The few family members that I am close to are focusing on me "moving on". And I hate hearing those words. even though they mean well. I have very few friends and I met them as a result of my boyfriends death.
posted by puppup to human relations (19 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
I feel so so sad and lonely. And alone. I would never acknowledge being lonely before didn't even think I could and can only imagine that this loneliness is part of how my boyfriend felt. I'm in therapy. And medicated. I fake it a lot. And then I come home and it all crashes in. When I do enjoy myself for a while I end up feeling even worse afterwards. And I don't know how to move forward. And not just stay under the covers. Logically my brain understands some things. But the guilt and the regret are overwhelming. I have shame over how I was in our relationship. Maybe it would be healthy to direct anger at him but all I can do is turn it inwards. I miss him. I want to stick my face in his armpit one more time. Season 4 of breaking bad is in my netflix queue and we freakin loved that show and couldn't wait. I feel like I can't do anything without thinking of him. He was such a huge part of my life and even though he isn't here he still is.
I guess I thought I would be in a better place by now. But I couldn't make it to work these last 2 days. When it happened I just said that there was a family emergency and that services were being held. And since then I've taken more days than usual. I never told my boss who died or anything. I almost did once and he quickly cut me off saying that there was no need for me to go in to detail. Some people said that I should have said something but I couldn't figure out how and now it's 3 months later.
Please give me some advice. Just do it has never worked for me. Even at the best of times I'm not exactly motivated or ambitious. Some people lose themselves in their work. I am not one of those people. How can I learn to open up to people or just ask/accept help? People say oh if you ever need anything/please let me know if there is something I can do to help you. What does that mean? And what is the appropriate way to respond when someone says some variation of cheer up/move on/get past it? I feel so hateful and ragey and want to kick everyone in the neck.
I hope this makes sense.