Still waiting...

June 3, 2012 4:22 PM

Looking for a little perspective on communication styles to help ease some anxiety about a woman I've been out with a few times. (You guessed it--snowflake inside)

I recently met a woman on a dating site. We met in person after about three or four emails. It's my first time using a dating site, so I was a little suspicious going in, but I had a delightful time and was catching vibes that she did as well. We made plans in person to meet again soon, which we settled over email a day or two later.

We live in different cities, so there was a two-week gap between when we could meet again. During that time, we emailed a few times. While her emails were fairly regular (every day or every other day) at first, she suddenly went five days without emailing. No biggie, I thought, she's probably busy. As we approached the second date, though, I was worried about her lack of contact and texted her cell phone instead. She replied promptly, said she was still on for date #2, and apologized for not replying. I wrote back and included some questions about details of the date, but no reply until date morning (another couple of days later), in which she just said something along the lines of "Hey, getting on the train, see you at XX time."

At this point I'm thinking, "Well, I SHOULD give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she has been busy, but the truth is that she's probably just not that in to me. But she's coming out to see me, so hey, let's make the best of this." Well, she came and we had a surprisingly fantastic time together. Engaging conversations, good chemistry, flirtatious touching from both sides, you name it. She even suggested that I visit her in her city next week and that we cook dinner together at her place. It was a classic "awesome date."

So, I get home, and text her with your typical post-good-date text: thanking her for coming out and for the great time, making a joke about something we had laughed about earlier that day, saying that I'm looking forward to the next date. She had a two-hour train ride home, so I went to bed expecting that I'd have a reply in the morning.

Well, there was no reply. It's been over 24 hours and still no reply. I'm in my late 20s and have been on plenty of similar dates over the years, but I've never not had a post date email reciprocated within a day of the date. I don't know, in my experience, text/emails after good dates is pretty basic and standard.

The drastically different signals I'm getting between our awesome in-person dates and the no post-date reply (and generally long gaps between emails/texts) has me baffled. I've always associated long or unanswered emails/texts to be a indicator of disinterest, but if this were the case I can't fathom why she would already be inviting me to her house.

So, AskMeFi dating gurus, help me get a little perspective on this. What are your norms for dating communications? I know that there are too many possible reasons and not enough information for you to speculate on my particular situation, so I'm more interested in hearing about your own experience. How did you/would you react in my position?


(I know I am over-thinking this, but I’m pretty into this girl, and the mixed signals are driving me crazy! Also, for anyone interested in venturing a guess about my situation, I should mention that I live in a country where cell phone text is the standard method of communication, not telephone calls, so “why don’t you just call her” doesn’t really apply.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 answers total)

Alack, mefites cannot read the minds of possible new lovers.

However, in my experience in the very early days of dating some folks will go a few days without contact so as not to seem over-eager. Also, some folks are just plain forgetful.

Best option is to wait a few days, then text explicitly to settle on an exact date/time asap: 'Hey, would Saturday be a good evening for our date? There's a train getting in at 7.40pm'. That way, whether you're in constant text contact or not, you know you'll be seeing her soon. If she never replies, then she's flaked on you.

I understand that phone calls are not the norm in your situation, but unfortunately waiting is the price you pay for indirect communication methods.
posted by dumdidumdum at 4:42 PM on June 3, 2012

Well, either she's not that into you, or she's playing hard to get, or she's just not a consistent emailer/texter.

I personally had a semi-LDR with someone who was fine and into me but not consistent about responding to emails and texts and it was super obnoxious and I don't think that I, personally, could deal with it again in an LDR. It's already a situation with a lot of insecurity and potential for deception built in...

If the date in her house never materializes, I'd also consider if she's with other people. Have you talked about monogamy? She might be busy with someone else. It's definitely happened in situations where I was with someone who was also dating someone else--they were like "YOU'RE SO AWESOME BYE" (radio silence) "oh hey I was just with the other person I'm dating". If someone were less honest about that you could get the scenario you have here.

Or...she could have an awful work situation, or she could have a dying parent but not want to share it with you this early on, or, or, or...there's no way of knowing.
posted by the young rope-rider at 4:47 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Maybe she's just a casual, not overly text-y person. Maybe she's dating a couple of people so it's just playing it cool. Like every single commenter is going to say, no one knows. You had two good dates and have a third one lined up. That's good, right? So just wait and see. You sent her a message, she invited you over, now you need her to clarify the details. You have to wait and see. Unfortunately the 'treat them mean, keep them keen' cliche seems to be working on you! Not that she is being mean, but that you are way overthinking this whereas she seems to be taking your dates at face value and doesn't seem to need as much follow-up/reassurance that things are still on or that you had a good time. maybe that's a good thing!
posted by bquarters at 4:49 PM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Try to forget the phrase, "mixed signals." Judge by things she actually does and says. So far you've had a good time together and she's suggested that you get together again. She doesn't communicate as soon or as often as you're used to, but don't try to guess what that means.

And try using the phone. During your next visit with her, tell her you'd like to call her during the week. She'll say fine, after 9 pm is best, or whatever. Talking on the phone is perfectly appropriate after you've had at least one good date.
posted by wryly at 4:51 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I just came here to say that I am a casual non-responsive texter who is SUPER INTO THIS ONE GUY when we get together, but pretty silent when we're not, and I really hope I don't make him feel this way.

Maybe she's afraid of being clingy? Maybe she doesn't know you are expecting a response? Sometimes I feel awkward texting back and forth even though I want to stay in touch, for fear that the guy is just answering because he feels like he has to and then we're both going to get sick of each other even though we have a great time together and are totally into each other. Maybe she's just not at the point where she feels comfortable texting you back and forth Just Because.

I would love it if a guy said to me "HEY, I'm a texter/emailer, and since we can't see each other in person as often as we'd like, hearing from you everyday would be swell!"

There are a lot of possibilities... i'm just throwing this one out there.
posted by sarahnicolesays at 5:07 PM on June 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

The next time you see her, is there some reason you can't just... ask her? "Hey, you seem really weird about returning text messages, what's up with that? I don't mind but it makes it hard to make plans."
posted by DarlingBri at 5:10 PM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Being bad at text/email conversations might be a mild personality fault, but it doesn't indicate anything about what she thinks of you. Take her word if she tells you she wants to keep hanging out.

Some of us just hate having conversations on tiny keyboard. Or even full-sized keyboards, sometimes.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 5:23 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

She could be not into you, but she could also hate texting.
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:57 PM on June 3, 2012

Try to forget the phrase, "mixed signals." Judge by things she actually does and says.

Yeah, definitely. Do not assume she is trying to send you some kind of particular message.

FWIW, I behave like this with people I really like, all the time. There are a million reasons I don't reply to texts. Sometimes my hands are full, and I can read but not type. Sometimes I miss a text for a day or more, and then I'll skip replying because it feels too late. Sometimes my head is elsewhere (usually work), so I'll just kind of smile and then keep doing other stuff. That's especially true if I think replying might lead to a real-time back-and-forth, and I'm not in a situation where I can easily do that.

The point is, if she's like me, it's not personal, it's just texting habits. She could like you a lot, and still not text you back.

If she seems like a straightforward person in general, then she is probably not playing games in this one area. So yeah, you could just ask her. But don't make it about you ("are you not into me?"), because that could seem paranoid. Make it about the behaviour ("do you just not text?").
posted by Susan PG at 6:40 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would think it was weird and a bad sign, too. My guess is that she is managing your expectations and directing this into something casual (maybe because she's not that into you or maybe because the distance makes something more serious a bad idea).
posted by J. Wilson at 6:43 PM on June 3, 2012

I don't think it is a bad sign! I can only speak from my perspective and I can tell you that I am an awful communicator in these ways, especially if I am busy. I would consider a few questions/probing comments:

Are you busy these days?

I love texting, what about you?

I love hanging out with you and staying in touch when we're not hanging out. Is there a reason you don't write back when I text you?
posted by ramenopres at 7:01 PM on June 3, 2012

She may not have even gotten your text (especially if she was on the train). Thanks to AT&T, I flat out miss text messages at least twice a month. I've learned to just call if it's important.
posted by snickerdoodle at 7:09 PM on June 3, 2012

In addition to various scenarios above, it may be that she pays per text or has a limited phone plan. I only get 200 outgoing texts a month on my plan and one of my friends pays 25c per outgoing text. I know other people who don't text at all, if they can help it, because it adds to their calling charges.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:16 PM on June 3, 2012

This scenario happens to me a lot: Someone texts me when I'm at work or class and I DO read the text but am unable to reply for whatever reason. Then I completely forget about it. Not that I don't care, or I don't want to reply to the person... I just forget. It doesn't help that new message icon disappears on my phone once I read a message.*

Basically you don't know if you don't ask. If you feel weird about it, maybe casually ask if she texts much. Not all girls do.


*Maybe I should wait and look at my messages when I know I'll have a chance to reply... but sometimes the anticipation is too much.
posted by littlesq at 8:54 PM on June 3, 2012