Help! My Brain is Trying to Kill Me!

June 3, 2012 3:06 PM

Why did my depression go away immediately after I finally started moving towards treating it? Why did it come back? Is this something that's normal when you're trying to treat depression?

I've been dealing with bouts of depression since I started college. I finally made some progress. I tried therapy a second time. I even met with a psychiatrist who thought medication would be an option for me. She didn't prescribe anything, but we made another appointment. And then suddenly the depression went away. I was happy! I wasn't depressed anymore, so I cancelled my appointments with the therapist and psychiatrist! I made plans! I went out and bought a ticket to a show! I ended up having to drag myself to said show, but I had fun.

And then the depression came back. I stayed up until five a.m. reading random crap on the Internet. I woke up at 1 p.m. I sat on the Internet until 5 p.m., when I finally dragged myself into the shower because I have to go to something later tonight. If I didn't have to leave the house, I would have stayed in all night. I haven't eaten since yesterday. I just wasn't hungry. Meanwhile, I have a project I should be working on that I can't bring myself to touch.

What's going on? What kinds of questions should I be asking my therapist/psychiatrist? I know you are not my therapist/psychiatrist. I'll try and make appointments with them tomorrow when offices are open again.

Throwaway: [e-mail]

Thank you.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (12 answers total)

I think when you go in and talk with your caregivers, you can simply tell them what you've told us here. You can even print it out and take it in with you. It may give them a new piece of information that will help them better treat you.

I know that's terribly vague, but sometimes initial diagnoses may need re-tweaking in the face of new evidence.
posted by quivering_fantods at 3:23 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure how long a break you had from the depression, but there's a reason the usual diagnostic quiz asks you to rate your moods and thoughts throughout the past week, not the mood you're in as you're taking the quiz. Our moods fluctuate, even if we're depressed.

It's great that just starting to do something about it seems to have helped you in the past -- it may give you something to look forward to as you pursue treatment again. Good luck.
posted by asperity at 3:24 PM on June 3, 2012

There are few things that bring me down more than staying up all night surfing the Internet or playing video games and then staying inside all day the following day.

This doesn't address your question, but you should do what you can immediately to get your sleeping hours back to normal. When you wake up, put on some comfortable clothing & shoes and go outside for a walk (even if its only for 5 or 10 minutes). The rest of the day will be easier when you've already taken that proactive step of doing something to battle the stay-at-home blues.

Good luck.
posted by Kevtaro at 3:27 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

The way you say this makes it seem as though all this happened over a fairly short period (like a few days to a week at most). If that's true, then it didn't go away. Depression isn't necessarily a constant omnipresent cloud, most people with depression will have some days better than others just as generally happy people will have some dark days. Think of it not as whether your mood is above or below a certain line of happiness but instead whether your average mood over a longer time is above or below this line.

Go see the therapist, no matter how you feel on a particular day. And follow Kevtaro's advice about the walk, internet and video games.
posted by fearnothing at 3:41 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

This is totally normal.

Depression makes you feel hopeless and despairing. "Oh, I'll never be happy again, I'll never enjoy my life, so why bother trying?" When you seek out treatment, the underlying depression may still be there, but the sense of hopelessness and despair starts to lift. "Maybe I feel shitty now, but it's okay! I'm taking meds now! I'm in therapy! I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow!" Suddenly, you're feeling optimistic for the first time in months! Which is, as you discovered the other day, an awesome feeling and a huge relief. It's just not the same as a permanent cure.

Because the thing is, depression is not something you just cure once and for all. There will be ups and downs. You will have good days and bad days. The goal is to have yourself as many good days as you can. But in the long run, the way to reach that goal is, yeah, to go to your damn appointments and take your damn meds, even when you don't feel like it.

That awesome happy optimistic feeling you had the other day when you thought you had this whole thing licked? I promise you'll get to feel that way again! On a regular basis, even! But the way to get back there is to be consistent and methodical about taking good care of yourself. Go make new appointments with the therapist and psychiatrist (don't worry, they've seen it before, they won't be mad that you canceled on them) and then see if you can convince yourself to eat some real food and get some sleep. You can totally do this.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:57 PM on June 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

Is it just the past 48 hours or so that this has been going on? I sometimes stay up until oh-woe-is-me o'clock on the internet, and then pretty much invariably feel like crap - tired, lethargic, etc - the next day. That's actually pretty normal. The bright side of which is, you might be able to dig yourself out of it pretty fast with food, water, and good sleep.
posted by Lady Li at 4:07 PM on June 3, 2012

I second nebulawindphone. I had the same exact feeling as you. I feel completely cured every time I take a noticeable step forward. It comes back, but less and less as I move forward.
posted by callmejay at 5:20 PM on June 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

Research shows thers something like a 20% reduction in depressive symptoms merely by calling a professional to get an appointment. One of the hallmarks of depression is lack of motivation, and one of the fundamental treatments is to "act as if" you are better. Thus by acting you are temporarily reducing symptoms.
You will see longer term positive changes by seeing a good therapist and maybe by using an anti depressant. The best outcomes generally are shown to be with a combination of cognitive therapy and anti depressants.
posted by johngumbo at 5:38 PM on June 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

You were happy because you were doing something about it, then you got sad because you decided not to do anything about it anymore. It was always there, you just got distracted by the prospect of getting better. Stick with the "doing something about it."
posted by rhizome at 6:42 PM on June 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Follow through with the therapist. Carefully weigh the risks of any pharmaceuticals you might try, seek alternatives, first.

You could have a really serious condition, you could have situational depression caused by stress (homesickness/adjustment issues, a project or other deadlines, etc.,) you could be having problems brought on by taking hormonal birth control if you are female, and lastly, even if you eat a healthy diet, you might have a vitamin deficiency that is contributing to your mood swings. Internet strangers can't know! But if someone wants to give you a prescription without considering all of the options I outlined above (plus others I haven't thought of) BE WARY.

- Work on tools for dealing with adult life with your therapist. You may have just been overwhelmed.

- Take a good multi-vitamin everyday. It will take a month to "kick-in." I work in the food industry - most meals are not as nutritionally dense as they were even 20 years ago. This is a science fact. You are in college, likely eating lots of processed crap. So there ya go. Really. Can't hurt as you pursue other avenues.

- Are you female and taking hormonally birth control? Discuss with your doctor!

- Are you anemic?

When donating blood, they do a quick test. The last time I was allowed to donate blood I was 16 years old. By the time I started to get turned away regularly from volunteer blood drives, I was 18. Turns out anemia causes feeling of panic and depression because your blood is not as oxygenated as it should be.

I had depression for years until I had my first child and realized this was likely a contributing factor. Which leads me to....

- Are you female? Is it possible you have endometriosis or fibroid cysts? Because this will often effect your hormones and mood, and also go undetected.

- Lastly, what is your family like?

If you had a crap childhood and are now in a different, strange, environment - this will cause situational depression for so many many different reasons. THERAPY:)

---

That's off the top of my head. If you are male, I bet there are other weird hormonal things that could apply and are worth consideration. Vitamins even helped my normally even-keeled husband after the stress of having a newborn last year. Good luck to you!
---
I wish I knew now at 42 what I need to know about my body at 22. It would have saved me heaps of blind alley explorations.

That is all. Best!
posted by jbenben at 7:27 PM on June 3, 2012

Others, especially nebulawindphone, have said everything I could have wanted to say already. But when I read your question, I was immediately reminded, sheepishly, of this answer I wrote a year and a half ago to another question about depression. I'll just post the text as well:

I feel compelled to mention to you---

I am a lifelong depressive. As recently as 7 days ago, I was more or less at my worst in my worst and longest episode ever. Ready to throw up my hands. And for seemingly little reason at all, in the space of two days, the symptoms just sort of fell away. Suddenly I was hungry for the experiences that I had been depriving myself of for so long. It has only been a few days, but I think my life may finally be approaching something near normal again. It feels profound, whatever is happening.

The point being I was not expecting this to happen, and had fully reached a point were I didn't even BELIEVE it could happen. But it did anyway. It can to you, as well. Take care of yourself as best you can, take, meds, go to therapy. You don't have to enjoy it, just treat it like work or exercise. With some time and a bit of luck, the sun DOES come out again.

Thank fucking christ. Me and Egypt, baby.
posted by TheRedArmy at 2:33 PM on February 5, 2011 [8 favorites +] [!]

It must have been shortly after I wrote that (and got 8 favorites, if you missed it) that I called my parents to tell them of my cure, and yes I recycled the Egypt line. Maybe without the 'baby.' I didn't know this until I saw my doctor in a few days, but my mom called my doctor immediately after getting off the phone with me because I sounded manic. By the time I walked into the doctors office I was sort of out of the fugue state and back to earth.

I'm not saying you were manic, just that I sort of understand the sentiment. I can only guess that, like seems to be the case with you, I just did a cannonball into the first puddle of hope I had seen in a long time. It's good, vital even, to grab up every scrap of good feeling you can find but you must strive to be rational about it. And treat them real careful like a baby animal or something.

My depression didn't go away at all at that point, but it is being controlled now. And I can tell you that progress was not made suddenly, progress came from knuckling down and working hard to take care of myself and exercising like a lunatic. But NOW, for reals, I can see the path out. It's not exactly with in reach, but I know where it is.

If I could go back and tell myself I guess it would be "Know thyself." But specifically, start questioning your emotions. They are all shady suspects when you're depressed. When you feel anything out of the ordinary you have to form a reflex where you stop, and ask what exactly in the hell is going on here and why. In my experience, when my emotions go somewhat haywire for no reason like it does when you're depressed, if I'm not careful I will start manufacturing causes for the strong emotion. Like sudden aggressive preoccupation with how much one particular person you normally have little trouble with annoys you. Or manic phone calls preaching my salvation to my probably frightened parents.

Strive to learn to monitor your emotions dispassionately, and to know that you really, seriously, as much as I and all my younger selves really hate to admit it, have the power to change how you feel. My medications have worked very well for me this time, but they only work in the sense that they gave me a leg up so I could institute the real changes that will, hopefully, keep me largely in the clear in the future, changes that can only be instituted by my conscious decision.

If you love yourself, that's great, but whether you do or not, first be kind to yourself. Especially when you're really feeling it.
posted by TheRedArmy at 7:45 PM on June 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

Depression does that, as others have said. Sometimes it gives you a little breathing space and you feel like all is better and no worries, then the bullet train it had hiding around the corner smacks you full force.

Also have others have said, your best course is to get in touch with your caregivers and start treatment ASAP.

Since meds take a while to work, I'm hoping you have access to action-based therapy that will give you coping skills (like how to do the check-ins described by TheRedArmy, questioning unproductive thinking, getting moving even when you feel like it will kill you, and tracking your mood).

You can do this. It's really hard to get the ball rolling, but as you begin to feel better in a more sustainable fashion, you'll thank yourself for taking those steps again and again.
posted by batmonkey at 8:33 AM on June 4, 2012