How to stay emotionally strong after double whammy?
June 2, 2012 7:46 PM Subscribe
How to stay emotionally strong after double whammy?
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I'm very sad as he was my best friend and I could tell him anything and go to him for support. We ended things on a positive note if you will...kind, respectful, etc...he just didn't feel as strongly as I did towards him. Just found out my mom has breast cancer again and will be going through chemo and losing her hair, and I'm scared and sad for her. I want more than anything to turn to my ex, who I still miss, but he's said we can't move on if we contact each other. I don't usually get heavy thing upon heavy thing in my life like this, and I'm trying my best to just keep on keepin' on.
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I'm very sad as he was my best friend and I could tell him anything and go to him for support. We ended things on a positive note if you will...kind, respectful, etc...he just didn't feel as strongly as I did towards him. Just found out my mom has breast cancer again and will be going through chemo and losing her hair, and I'm scared and sad for her. I want more than anything to turn to my ex, who I still miss, but he's said we can't move on if we contact each other. I don't usually get heavy thing upon heavy thing in my life like this, and I'm trying my best to just keep on keepin' on.
I'm sorry, too. Losing your best friend is a heart- breaker, and only time will heal that. You sound like a strong person when you say you're just keepin' on... sometimes that's all you can do while you wait it out. And you have to keep strong for your Mom. Take good care of yourself so that you can do that.
I guess as I'm reading this, I'm just seconding katemcd's good advice, but also know that folks who don't even know you are thinking of you now, sending you good thoughts. It will be okay.
posted by puddinghead at 8:32 PM on June 2, 2012
I guess as I'm reading this, I'm just seconding katemcd's good advice, but also know that folks who don't even know you are thinking of you now, sending you good thoughts. It will be okay.
posted by puddinghead at 8:32 PM on June 2, 2012
It takes an effort to sustain strength and discipline when nothing seems to be going right in your life. That effort can be exhausting and eventually lead to a meltdown. If you let off steam occasionally, you'll be better able to maintain emotional strength.
Every so often, in private, let yourself go. Be a weeping wreck, if that's what you need. Throw a little tantrum about how unfair this all is (because, well, it is deeply unfair. Even if it is "just life".). Sometimes the only way to process pain and keep it from affecting your day to day life is bearing witness to it.
If you can take a day off of work, do that. If you can spend time with undemanding, affectionate living creatures, do that. If you can spend time in nature, do that.
I hope things get better for you soon.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:20 PM on June 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Every so often, in private, let yourself go. Be a weeping wreck, if that's what you need. Throw a little tantrum about how unfair this all is (because, well, it is deeply unfair. Even if it is "just life".). Sometimes the only way to process pain and keep it from affecting your day to day life is bearing witness to it.
If you can take a day off of work, do that. If you can spend time with undemanding, affectionate living creatures, do that. If you can spend time in nature, do that.
I hope things get better for you soon.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:20 PM on June 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
I bet you have a friend (from junior high, or high school, or college) who used to be your BFF. The person you told all your secrets to and giggled over boys and got drunk with. The first person you told when you lost your virginity. They probably live in a different state or country now.
Doesn't matter. Call that person. Tell them that your mom is sick and your boyfriend left. She'll listen, I promise.
I lean on my husband now for most things, but I've realized lately that I've always had good and supportive friends they just didn't necessarily live in the same state as me. I wish when I was younger I'd thought to just pick up the phone. I know they would have been there for me.
posted by bananafish at 10:22 PM on June 2, 2012 [7 favorites]
Doesn't matter. Call that person. Tell them that your mom is sick and your boyfriend left. She'll listen, I promise.
I lean on my husband now for most things, but I've realized lately that I've always had good and supportive friends they just didn't necessarily live in the same state as me. I wish when I was younger I'd thought to just pick up the phone. I know they would have been there for me.
posted by bananafish at 10:22 PM on June 2, 2012 [7 favorites]
I had an unholy amount of instability and scary stuff thrown at me all at once last fall (without making this about me, I'll say that my SO and I weathered major and multiple shitstorms regarding employment, health, our mortgage, and our families). There were a lot of tears on my own time, I didn't take good enough care of myself, I developed some problematic anxiety...
But the thing that I wish I had figured out earlier was that being generous to other people was like a soothing salve. If you're motivated to volunteer for organizations, awesome, but this works within the regular context of our own life and the people you see on a routine basis, too.
Because hell, it can always be worse. Focusing on finding ways to be kind or helpful or gracious or useful or comforting or whatever...that was really satisfying and brought me a lot of joy in a really dark time.
posted by desuetude at 12:53 AM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
But the thing that I wish I had figured out earlier was that being generous to other people was like a soothing salve. If you're motivated to volunteer for organizations, awesome, but this works within the regular context of our own life and the people you see on a routine basis, too.
Because hell, it can always be worse. Focusing on finding ways to be kind or helpful or gracious or useful or comforting or whatever...that was really satisfying and brought me a lot of joy in a really dark time.
posted by desuetude at 12:53 AM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
Don't go to the ex. Not right now at least. Talk to someone else, then come back to them after getting some kind of safety net established.
posted by Slackermagee at 12:56 AM on June 3, 2012
posted by Slackermagee at 12:56 AM on June 3, 2012
I am so sorry. That's two heavy blows fast, and of course you're reeling and unsteady. I hope your mum's diagnosis is promising.
You know the spoon theory for living with an illness/disability? There's a better description here - The Spoon Theory but the idea is that you start your day with a number of spoons. During the day, each activity, e.g. having a shower, answering calls, uses them up. Some people have heaps of spoons, some people only have a few so they have to be very careful with them or they run out of spoons by the
Handling your break-up and your mum's illness means you just lost a lot of spoons. Treat yourself very gently and conservatively. Maybe last month you could do a dozen things in a day and still feel ok at the end. Now, you'd run out of spoons by midday and be exhausted.
Cut out everything that you don't need to do. Don't do anything that doesn't leave you feeling better or that helps you survive.
Ask your mum what she wants you to do, ask who she has helping her. Read up on what families of cancer patients want. When my dad had cancer, I wrote him daily letters about my life and politics and events, and got him a subscription to The Economist. We weren't close at all up to then, but he ended up writing back long letters to me. We rarely wrote about cancer, but he seemed to want to talk about things that weren't cancer, about the world news and to give advice.
Ask people for help for you so that you can help your mum like "Okay, when I have a really tough day, can I call you and just vent?" or "I need to run errands this Saturday and I am freaking out, would you keep me company that afternoon?" People are often happy to help for specific things. If you feel bad asking for help, spread it around so you're asking one favour per person.
Do things that build up your spoons. For me, that's eating regularly and watching really bad TV and reading mystery novels. Do things that nourish your spirit and your health, do them deliberately and often. Think of it as medicine to help you recover faster.
Oh, and get a rapid brainless game for your phone. Bejewelled or Tetris are good. There's research to back it up but essentially playing an absorbing easy computer game immediately following high emotions helps calm you down and block out the immediate distress. This has absolutely been true for me, and I highly recommend it for when you feel overwhelmed with emotion. A good cry helps, but is not always possible.
posted by viggorlijah at 2:04 AM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
You know the spoon theory for living with an illness/disability? There's a better description here - The Spoon Theory but the idea is that you start your day with a number of spoons. During the day, each activity, e.g. having a shower, answering calls, uses them up. Some people have heaps of spoons, some people only have a few so they have to be very careful with them or they run out of spoons by the
Handling your break-up and your mum's illness means you just lost a lot of spoons. Treat yourself very gently and conservatively. Maybe last month you could do a dozen things in a day and still feel ok at the end. Now, you'd run out of spoons by midday and be exhausted.
Cut out everything that you don't need to do. Don't do anything that doesn't leave you feeling better or that helps you survive.
Ask your mum what she wants you to do, ask who she has helping her. Read up on what families of cancer patients want. When my dad had cancer, I wrote him daily letters about my life and politics and events, and got him a subscription to The Economist. We weren't close at all up to then, but he ended up writing back long letters to me. We rarely wrote about cancer, but he seemed to want to talk about things that weren't cancer, about the world news and to give advice.
Ask people for help for you so that you can help your mum like "Okay, when I have a really tough day, can I call you and just vent?" or "I need to run errands this Saturday and I am freaking out, would you keep me company that afternoon?" People are often happy to help for specific things. If you feel bad asking for help, spread it around so you're asking one favour per person.
Do things that build up your spoons. For me, that's eating regularly and watching really bad TV and reading mystery novels. Do things that nourish your spirit and your health, do them deliberately and often. Think of it as medicine to help you recover faster.
Oh, and get a rapid brainless game for your phone. Bejewelled or Tetris are good. There's research to back it up but essentially playing an absorbing easy computer game immediately following high emotions helps calm you down and block out the immediate distress. This has absolutely been true for me, and I highly recommend it for when you feel overwhelmed with emotion. A good cry helps, but is not always possible.
posted by viggorlijah at 2:04 AM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
That really sucks. I agree with viggorlijah about shrinking your universe down to the important things (taking care of your mom - depending on your relationship, including physically being there as much as you can) and the necessary things (hanging on to your job).
The only things not to think narrowly on are self care and friends. Now is the time to reach out, even if you have to force yourself, to speak every day with someone who cares about you and will hear and support you, even if all you speak about is the weather. It's also good to make sure you don't drop the things that seem like extra work but which are actually taking care of you - keeping your home in comfortable shape, showering according to your usual schedule, making it out of the house on a regular basis, sleeping enough (even if it means getting some pharmaceutical help), and not letting your comfort food replace instead of supplement your regular (hopefully healthy) diet.
When I'm in a bad way, what I've written above is a very full plate. Depending on how things go with your mom, and if you are in school or in a flexible work situation, it might make sense to take some time off.
Look into support, either from a therapist, or a group, or even reading, to help you cope with your mom's health crisis, especially if it seems like it may be terminal.
If you find yourself not finishing books, flaking out on activities, forgetting things left and right, procrastinating tasks, etc, don't automatically castigate yourself. There are times in life when things that used to be easy are harder, and that's okay. We don't need to be productivity machines. Keep your eyes on the priorities you've identified, and be your cheerleader, not a taskmaster. Trust that whatever you're doing *is* your best, even if three weeks ago it would have barely risen to slack-off mode.
If you feel like you can't stop thinking about your ex-boyfriend or what you would want to tell him, write it down and later think about who else you can share what you've written with who will be supportive and helpful.
If you feel yourself getting stressed out and angry at your mom, that is normal too. Write that down as well, and then think through with someone supportive what would be a constructive way to address the issues with her, if at all. Illness is stressful and can lead to family fighting but if you can recognize that what you're fighting is really stress and fear and vulnerability, and not each other, it can help make the process, no matter how it ends, easier for everybody.
If things start to get worse for your mom, there are resources. Having a friend just far enough out of it emotionally to find those for you and serve them to you on a silver platter is really worth it. This is especially important if you're alone in this, but even if you do have another parent or siblings, or your mom has a partner or siblings who are also involved, it can get tricky leaning on each other when everybody is a mess.
Hang in there. Feel free to memail me if you want to talk.
posted by Salamandrous at 7:07 AM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
The only things not to think narrowly on are self care and friends. Now is the time to reach out, even if you have to force yourself, to speak every day with someone who cares about you and will hear and support you, even if all you speak about is the weather. It's also good to make sure you don't drop the things that seem like extra work but which are actually taking care of you - keeping your home in comfortable shape, showering according to your usual schedule, making it out of the house on a regular basis, sleeping enough (even if it means getting some pharmaceutical help), and not letting your comfort food replace instead of supplement your regular (hopefully healthy) diet.
When I'm in a bad way, what I've written above is a very full plate. Depending on how things go with your mom, and if you are in school or in a flexible work situation, it might make sense to take some time off.
Look into support, either from a therapist, or a group, or even reading, to help you cope with your mom's health crisis, especially if it seems like it may be terminal.
If you find yourself not finishing books, flaking out on activities, forgetting things left and right, procrastinating tasks, etc, don't automatically castigate yourself. There are times in life when things that used to be easy are harder, and that's okay. We don't need to be productivity machines. Keep your eyes on the priorities you've identified, and be your cheerleader, not a taskmaster. Trust that whatever you're doing *is* your best, even if three weeks ago it would have barely risen to slack-off mode.
If you feel like you can't stop thinking about your ex-boyfriend or what you would want to tell him, write it down and later think about who else you can share what you've written with who will be supportive and helpful.
If you feel yourself getting stressed out and angry at your mom, that is normal too. Write that down as well, and then think through with someone supportive what would be a constructive way to address the issues with her, if at all. Illness is stressful and can lead to family fighting but if you can recognize that what you're fighting is really stress and fear and vulnerability, and not each other, it can help make the process, no matter how it ends, easier for everybody.
If things start to get worse for your mom, there are resources. Having a friend just far enough out of it emotionally to find those for you and serve them to you on a silver platter is really worth it. This is especially important if you're alone in this, but even if you do have another parent or siblings, or your mom has a partner or siblings who are also involved, it can get tricky leaning on each other when everybody is a mess.
Hang in there. Feel free to memail me if you want to talk.
posted by Salamandrous at 7:07 AM on June 3, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry. I can definitely emphasize. I would suggest hanging in there, taking it one day at a time, and don't beat yourself up - remember that you, too, have needs. I hope you have at least one or two close friends you can go to during those rough times.
Hang in there. :)
posted by dubious_dude at 11:01 AM on June 3, 2012
Hang in there. :)
posted by dubious_dude at 11:01 AM on June 3, 2012
I find that penpals are great for this kind of situation. When life is super overwhelming, it can be tough to know how to get the support you want from local friends, or even find time to get together with them. But having a person who who can write honestly to and get a message back saying they understand and care about you can help a lot. This can just be an out-of-town friend or relative who you feel able to open up to, and who isn't the type to send one sentence replies - maybe someone else who's had a family health crisis or bad breakup in the last few years. Writing emails or letters explaining how you're feeling and what's going on is useful in its own right, and because it's asynchronous, the other person can think about what you said and respond when he/she is ready.
It's also a great time to find a new TV show (with several seasons to catch up on) or series of books you enjoy - some other world you can drop into with low effort for a couple of hours when you need a break from your own.
posted by unsub at 11:20 AM on June 3, 2012
It's also a great time to find a new TV show (with several seasons to catch up on) or series of books you enjoy - some other world you can drop into with low effort for a couple of hours when you need a break from your own.
posted by unsub at 11:20 AM on June 3, 2012
Stop the "being friends" approach. That doesnt work and you cant wean away from him and will keep depending on him for emotional support. This in turn makes it difficult to stand up on your own two feet (emotionally).
Sorry to hear of your mom. Use this opportunity to learn some important life lessons,observe, process, cry. Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself for awhile. It is okay to do that. Life can be rough sometimes but you need to pull up your socks sooner or later and make yourself stronger in the process. Good luck.
(as a Buddhist I can recommend my religious practice which will bring amazing changes to your life. I know that is not an ask but read this before you decide)
posted by pakora1 at 1:14 PM on June 3, 2012
Sorry to hear of your mom. Use this opportunity to learn some important life lessons,observe, process, cry. Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself for awhile. It is okay to do that. Life can be rough sometimes but you need to pull up your socks sooner or later and make yourself stronger in the process. Good luck.
(as a Buddhist I can recommend my religious practice which will bring amazing changes to your life. I know that is not an ask but read this before you decide)
posted by pakora1 at 1:14 PM on June 3, 2012
You really cannot go to the ex because it will hurt you more if you do. You want to heal straight and strong and to do that you mustn't look to him for support. I think you need to find a friend. If you don't have a good, true friend who will listen and care about how much you're hurting, then maybe a good task would be to set out to find one. You could go to support groups for family members with cancer or to co-dependents anonymous groups or other such things. When things are really lousy it's important to be around caring people. I think this site is good for that, too, there are big hearts here, but finding some real world people who will be nice to you will make a big difference for you now.
posted by Ventre Mou at 5:33 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by Ventre Mou at 5:33 PM on June 3, 2012
Do you have a therapist or counsellor you trust? If not, perhaps a friend or family member can recommend a good one; or perhaps staff at your mother's hospital can refer you. There are people whose job it is to help you deal with the overwhelming. It's what they do.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:49 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:49 PM on June 3, 2012
So you have other friends, right? This is one of the ways people become best friends, by connecting in times of crisis. Reach out to your most compassionate friends, not to your ex.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:09 PM on June 3, 2012
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:09 PM on June 3, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by katemcd at 8:09 PM on June 2, 2012