(warning: long w/ summary inside, and drama) We flirted and worked together. We never kissed, but I fell for him. But he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend until later. I backed off and he got engaged. I miss his friendship and want to get in touch. But I recently googled him and found that he is getting married in a month to someone else than who he was engaged to at first. Please help me.
posted by skylines to human relations (31 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
(summary at end if this is too long)
I was fresh out of college and took the first job I could find, in real estate, about 2 years ago. I met him and we just clicked. He is 7 years older and was a supervisor over another area, and I was entry level. He is also a writer, and we even write about the same things that we are so passionate about. I was so happy to know him after leaving school.
We flirted and had great chemistry. He is the most handsome man I've ever seen and was such a good listener and so sensitive. He believed in me and told me to never give up on my dreams. There was emotional eye contact. Once he put his arm around me and looked intently at my face, nervously watching my reaction. That was the only time we touched. We just got each other, finished each other's sentences and could read each other, even without words.
In the beginning, however, he was hot and cold. He is very outgoing and everybody loves him. He would flirt a lot with other girls, but whenever he saw me, he would stop and looked so nervous. Except, whenever he flirted with another administrator (and they flirted much) he ignored me. But sometimes another alpha type would casually talk to me and he got jealous. We never hung out outside of work. We didn't talk about all of the personal details of our lives, but we joked and shared a bond over our similar interests, and it seemed like we always made time in the day to say hi and see each other.
8 months in, he took a business trip out of town, and when he came back, he was a little distant. I began talking to him in one of our usual conversations, and he hesitantly responded and casually told me about his girlfriend, his face turning deep red. I was calm but afterwards was hurt, and later, he kept on looking at me, like he felt bad about not telling me sooner. I should have asked him early on if he had someone.
I didn't want to be the other woman, and from what I could tell it was serious, them being together since before we met, and so I backed off, despite how much I wanted him, even as a friend. It felt like our friendship went too far. I was polite but kept a distance. I think he wanted to still be friends, if I did too, but at the time, it hurt as he was taken. He respected my distance, and I respected his relationship, which I think he understood. We never talked about it.
My feelings made the work situation unbearable. My friend pressured me to leave, and regretfully, I did without finding another job first (but I found one soon after). When he heard, he tried to get me to stay. Then I heard him saying he was thinking of transferring to another branch.
On my last day, he offered me a job there, at least until I found something. He told me that if I was interested, to let him know. I'm assuming he meant at work since we didn't have each other's personal contact info. I was appreciative, but after thinking about it, I knew I couldn't handle it because of my feelings, and so we haven't been in contact. I assume he wanted me to contact him at work if I wanted to do that.
I have missed his friendship so much. I saw that soon after he left, he created a blog with his writings and it has a contact email. I wasn't sure if I should contact him, in case it may be disrespectful towards his relationship with a woman I didn't know he had when I had fallen for him. But I miss his friendship and wonder, should I contact him?
Fast forward to this past Halloween, about a year and a half later, and I saw a pic online of him and other supervisors from our old branch and his new branch at a bar, including the other administrator he flirted with a lot. He was dressed similarly with a scantily-dressed woman who wasn't his fiancée at the time we left. I became distressed, thinking that I sacrificed my love for him so that he could honor his commitment, to find that he didn't even stay with her. I wasn't sure, but it seemed he was with someone new.
I recently googled him and found that he is marrying the girl in that photo in a month. She used to be married but now isn't and is in her late 20s, and as that business is small, they may have already known each other. I don't know the circumstances of how things fell apart with his ex, but I cant help but wonder if I had anything to do with it and it made him realize he was unhappy. I don't know how he got together with his new woman and how she divorced her husband, but it seems like they got together soon after he transferred there, but of course I don't know for sure. So he did end things with his first fiancée (or she ended it with him) and has a new fiancée now. People online fawn about the pictures she posted of him kissing her, they look cute. I am devastated. Have I lost him forever, as friends or more?
*****(summary if this was too long)*****
I met a guy at work, we flirted and have so much in common. I fell for him but he didn't tell me he had a serious gf until after 8 months of knowing him at work. I backed off, and he got engaged. I gave my notice to leave my job, it being unbearable due to my feelings. We didn't have each other's contact info, but he offered me a job where he was going, and I regret not staying in touch although I didn't think I could handle working with him while he was engaged. We both left our jobs and he called off his engagement (or she did, I'm not sure how it happened), and now, he is engaged to someone at his new location, to be married soon, and I wonder if it is still possible for us to be platonic friends.
Thank you for reading. My questions are:
1. Did I do the right thing when I found out he was taken? Was I too cold? Should I have done anything differently, besides asking him if he had someone? Please be gentle, I now know I should have asked him.
2. He was really sad when I was leaving, and it felt like he wanted to be friends. Since I've left, I've wanted to be friends, but was unsure if I should as he would be engaged/ married to a woman I didn't know he was with when I fell for him, but now he's with someone new. I was crippled by uncertainty. Do you think there is any chance he'd want to be friends with me now? I really did feel that he valued me.
3. He has a writing blog with some of his works. He hasn't updated it, but he has a contact email there. Should I contact him, in case we may be friends, or if he doesn't respond, just so I know I did all I could to be platonic friends, aside from seeing him at his work (which I don't think I should do)? Do you think it would be weird, because I'd have to explain that I googled him? I really miss his friendship, as I am a writer too, and he is so talented despite not studying it at all in school like I have. I want to be friends with him, and everybody loves him and his writings. He is a solid person who I think would make a good friend, but I'm not sure if he's open to it or if it's a good idea.
4. How do I come to terms with how he's marrying a different woman than the one he was with when we worked together? I didn't act on my true feelings out of respect for his relationship, only to find that it didn't last between them. I know I don't have control over his relationships, as I'm not in them, but it hurt and made me feel like my sacrifice was for nothing. But maybe he's glad I didn't interfere in his relationship when we worked together?
5. If I had given him my info, do you think he would have contacted me after things didn't work out with his gf at the time? I think if he knew I couldn't take the job, he may have wanted to keep in touch, but perhaps for all I know, he may have left her for his next fiancée. Was I too cold? Should I have given him my info?
6. Do you think I hurt him by not being in touch after I left, as he may have been hoping to hear from me? I go out, and I feel like I have done an awful thing, and that he and all my old coworkers may not like me because I left him like that. Sometimes I wonder if I am a pariah to them. Did I leave my job the right way? They said I left on good terms and that I'm always welcome back, but I can't help but wonder, as everyone loves him and maybe they think I should have at least gotten back to him to just say thanks for the offer, if he told them about it.
7. Should I get back in touch with other coworkers from there that I was cordial with, even if they may talk to him or gossip about it? I miss everyone, although perhaps they have moved on.
Thanks in advance for any advice you may have and/or those questions. He was the man of my dreams. I don't think he is a bad guy, I think he just put off telling me he had someone because he didn't want to hurt me, even though it wasn't best to do that. I miss his friendship and wonder if it is too late to be friends or if I will ever meet anyone as amazing as him again. He was positive and inspired me to follow my dreams. I feel like his friendship is worth it to try one last time, and then I'll have my answer, but for some reason I'm not sure if I should contact him. Any advice is helpful, I'm at work but please keep the responses coming or pm me. Throwaway email: imisshimsomuch (at) hushmail (dot) com.